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To not know how to help my sister

6 replies

GotMooMilk · 28/09/2023 18:50

She’s 30, has never quite known what she wants to do and has struggled with depression and anxiety. She did a degree in drama age 24, has had unrelated jobs since but flits from job to job. She’s not passed two probation periods, probably because she takes a lot of sick leave with her MH.

Shes in the probation period of her most recent job and has been off sick the last 3 weeks. I’ve gone to hers in the morning and travelled in to work with her to support her (this is very hard as I have two small kids to get to school) but on the third day I couldn’t go she didn’t go in. She cannot afford to be off sick long term- she lives alone in a mortgaged flat and cannot manage on sick pay. I’ve encouraged her, gone with her, talked her down when anxious. She has ended up not telling me things and instead speaking to her housemate and boyfriend who are supportive but facilitate her behaviour. They encourage her to stay off or tell her to ‘take all the time she needs’ which she cannot afford to do.

Shes seen the GP and she’s on anti depressants and had had counselling lots in the past.

Part of the issue is we have a middle class upbringing and she gets frustrated that most people her age are doing well in their careers and starting to earn well while she bounces from low paid job to low paid job. I’ve encouraged her to stay in a role to progress within it but she’s always looking for the next thing or something happens and she spirals down, goes off sick and loses the job.

How can I support her? I’ll admit in private I feel exasperated but I’ve never had A&D and I know it can be crippling. Do I push her to go out? accept she can’t work? She’s young for healthy and she can’t sit around in her flat feeling anxious wasting her life away it makes me so sad for her.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 28/09/2023 19:46

It sounds like you have offered your sister a lot of support but if others in her life tell her to just stay home rather than going in to work she is choosing the easy option of doing as they suggest because they are validating her own thoughts that it's too hard to go out to work. Does she claim PIP if her mental health is this bad? If not she should probably put in a claim. If she doesn't work she will probably lose her mortgaged flat. If she does she will struggle to rent with no work record.

GotMooMilk · 28/09/2023 19:51

@caringcarer no she doesn’t get PIP- she would be too proud for that I know her. She gets jobs, she interviews well she’s very clever and amenable. I worry about her losing her flat and to be honest she’d struggle renting if she couldn’t afford the rent. To meet her she’s a well spoken, well turned out intelligent person nobody she knows realises her MH issues she masks so well. Sometimes I think it partly is laziness too.

OP posts:
GotMooMilk · 28/09/2023 20:12

Bump for anyone else with anxiety and depression who may have any ideas?

OP posts:
NewYearNewUsername23 · 28/09/2023 20:15

I think you may need to accept that the best thing you can do for your sister is care for yourself.

At some point at carers we need to take a step back and consider are we actually helping or are we just stressing ourselves out for no return?

GotMooMilk · 28/09/2023 20:18

Thanks @NewYearNewUsername23 maybe I need to step back. I just can’t seem to tell if she’s severely mentally ill and needs more input, medication, maybe consider PIP etc or whether she’s just a 30 year old with anxiety who needs help to get herself together and crack on with a job so she can sort her life out a bit.

OP posts:
Nettie1964 · 03/04/2024 00:13

You sound very caring snd kind. You can be a support to your sister but not to your detriment or the detriment of your family. Don't enable her please the only person you are really helping is yourself, enabling stops us feeling guilty. It's not working, it's not helping. When people stop bailing you out and enabling you grow up quickly. I did.

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