Can’t support my sister any longer- adult with ADHD. Any advice from people with experience please!

[GotMooMilk]

Just that really. Younger sister is 30 and has ADHD (recently diagnosed). Before this she’s struggled with bouncing from job to job, always looking for new careers or new study. On reflection quite typical of ADHD. Otherwise functions well has a partner, owns a flat with a lodger, goes to the gym has a social life etc. has completed a degree and now doing a masters.

The last 12 months she’s been through 5 jobs I think? She never passes probation periods- she goes off sick with anxiety, goes off regularly with diarrhoea (anxiety related I think), doesn’t really care enough to engage with the work so isn’t great and they let her go. She did temp work and was let go. She’s been to the GP for her mental health in the past and since diagnosis has started ADHD medication and is currently having counselling with a workplace specialist.

Ive spent I don’t even know how many hours the last year helping her job hunt, picking her up when she’s down, paying for stuff as she’s skint, listening to her rant about work. At one point I travelled to work with her every day to support her in going. I’ve supported her so much I’ve never judged but I’m starting to get so frustrated. She applied for another job and I said this time you need to stick with it you’ll lose the flat, her lovely boyfriend will start to reevaluate if she can’t hold down a job or function. And I was told ‘I’ll try but I can’t promise’. I know this is true but it just hit a nerve.

I have 2 kids work 3 jobs and am studying a masters. I’m emotionally depleted and hit a wall where I can’t give her any more support when I’m three months time this whole bloody circus will repeat. Do I just endlessly ‘support’? Does putting your foot down help? Honestly I’m at a loss

Also- my parents are v supportive (paid for all therapy, paid for private ADHD assessment, provide support over the phone and visit lots) but like 4 hours away compared to 5 mins for me. They are also retired so on holiday or travelling a lot so again falls to me.

I think you're going to make yourself ill if you continue to try and run her life for her. She has a partner and your parents (from a distance), so don't feel guilty about taking a step back even if it means she loses things in the long run.

@FluffMagnet thank you- I know her partner is only 26 though and as she often says he’s the best thing going on in her life so I worry if there’s too much pressure put on him he’ll end it and everything will be worse. But you’re right that’s not my responsibility.

I agree, you'll make yourself ill if you continue, then you're no use to anyone. Your kids are your priority imo.

I'm curious about you paying for things - does this include big things like rent? If so then there really is no consequence to her not being able to hold down a job is there, she's not going to lose it all if you're always bailing her out.

Presumably the workplace coach is working with her on how to transfer the skills from her degree etc to a job?

I think it would be a good idea for you to reevaluate from a totally selfish perspective what support you can offer on a long term basis. It's clear you can't continue what you're doing. I would say not financial, not applying for jobs for her, dial back and be more of a cheerleader than an enabler.

I have ADHD and other neurodivergences that can make the workplace quite challenging, but I still manage to hold down a job. I'm very motivated by not wanting my entire life to fall apart though, I don't have people to bail me out if it doesn't.

That said, getting a diagnosis starts a personal journey all of its own, it's a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally for starters as you probably knew it was there and it makes everything make sense, but also you've got to process how your life is going to work now, not least that your difficulties aren't just going to miraculously go away one day like you hoped. I bet she feels pretty confused and crappy about it tbh esp. the not being able to hold down a job part. It's hard in a neurotypical world! But it should be the start of the path to making things better (and that doesn't mean pretending to live a neurotypical life) and she shouldn't need you to keep doing what you're doing.

I should add - I don't mean to sound harsh with the comment I can hold down a job. What I mean really is that as a neurodiverse person you have less energy to expend generally as the world os a bit of a challenge, so there tends to be some areas you put the energy into and some you neglect. For me I'd say I probably neglect social interactions in favour of work, and my house is often a bit of a mess..... for your sister it sounds like working is the messy house she can't get round to organising a bit more because it's really hard to do.

In the nicest possible way op , you need to back off. This mollycoddling isn't doing either of you any good. Your sister is a grown adult who needs to stand on her own two feet. She is flippant about work and this isn't going to change if she can just leave and get another job each time it gets too much for her. Yes she may have ADHD but plenty of people do and they get along fine. You are enabling her flippancy. You have been a great support to her but it's time to focus on yourself and your family and work. The baby of the family often gets special treatment. I feel it's more to do with this than her diagnosis. Would she have given the same support to you? I don't think so..

@youveturnedupwelldone thanks so much for your experience- I agree she’s focussed on her non work stuff currently and thinks work is a sort of minor inconvenience. No I don’t pay rent etc- she has a lodger who covers most of her mortgage and some student loan from studying part time but without a wage she can’t really afford to live to be honest. I pay for meals or coffees out, a takeaway to cheer her up etc.

This is all so true

What was her ADHD treatment plan? What were the main issues identified by the report? This should be her main areas to focus on.

My DP has ADHD and it definitely caused issues and I said I would stay only if he addressed them. Otherwise life is too chaotic and stressful.

The onus is on her.

I say this as someone with adult diagnosed adhd, you need to take a step back and focus on you and your immediate family. Your sister is unlikely to change, regardless of how much effort you put in, it’s just not how her brain works.

She needs appropriate therapy and support for her anxiety, and her work coach needs to help her identify roles that will suit her (everyone with adhd has different challenges).

I'm reading a book by Dr Russell A. Barkley which she might find helpful, “taking charge of adult ADHD”.

You sound wonderful and like you’ve been an incredible support to your sister, and I’m not saying to cut her off, but you cannot continue as you are, it’s not good for either or you.

Ive spent I don’t even know how many hours the last year helping her job hunt, picking her up when she’s down, paying for stuff as she’s skint, listening to her rant about work. At one point I travelled to work with her every day to support her in going. I’ve supported her so much

I would stop doing any of that apart from listening to her her rant. If she needs cheering up, invite her round to yours for a cuppa but it’s not on you to provide takeaways or lunch out.

Back off a bit-she’s 30 and she needs to start taking some responsibility.

Shes Got a degree and is now doing a masters, so she is capable.

i hate to say it as well, but however well meaning, you are enabling her attitude. She’s got to stand on her own two feet. Stop bailing her out. Maybe if she hasn’t got you to prop her up, she’ll start taking responsibility for herself.

I know that sounds harsh, but as a previous person says, stop mollycoddling her. She’s thirty, got a flat, boyfriend, doing a masters, has a social life etc. she needs to grow up and realise you don’t just chuck a job in. I’m wondering also whether she was spoilt as a child.

Wow you are an amazing sister and I am sure she appreciates all your support but like others say step back abit and let her figure it out. I am similar to your sister but undiagnosed, your sister is very lucky to have such a supportive family. I find working for myself much for motivating so maybe she should look at setting up her own small business.

I’m late diagnosed ADHD/Autistic. Diagnosis and meds for the ADHD have helped me massively. It does sound like she’s quite dependent on you and like you’re struggling to keep supporting her at the current level.
if she’s a student, I’d suggest her contacting Student Services about support. They can be really helpful. Another book recommendation- Dirty Laundry by Richard Pink and Roxanne Emery. They are a couple - he’s neurotypical and she’s got ADHD (late diagnosed). They talk about issues from each of their perspectives, what helps and what doesn’t. It’s available as an Audio book too - I joined Audible and used my free credit to listen to it. I’d suggest you, your sister and her partner all read/listen to it. I found it really helpful and so did my DP. It might help you to step back a bit.

Thanks for the advice and book recommendations. I’m glad most have said it’s ok to step back especially those with ADHD. If I ever get frustrated she gets very ‘it’s not my fault, stop blaming me I just need support’ so I think permission to pull back is what I needed.

Ahh, so she’s not taking responsibility for herself. Blaming others etc. she’s got to learn to live with her diagnosis, and move on, and not to use it as an excuse.

I have ADHD and relate to your sister's story. I didn't have anyone like you to help, so a lot of areas of my life were a mess for a long time - not being able to hold down a job, messy house, not being able to organise myself to socialise or exercise.

I think I had to hit rock bottom before I could change and become much more strict with myself re healthy habits and daily routines. I have to conserve energy where I can and not do too many dopamine inducing activities, where all my excited ADHD energy will get depleted, and there won't be any energy left to do the "boring" stuff of life.

Re jobs - I was like your sister, going from job to job, hated them all, off with anxiety etc. I am now in my forties and for the first time have found a job I love - it's working in mental health (which I'm interested in, which is important), it's a mixture of home and office working, and also meeting clients out in the community and going to events. I love the variety - I used to hate going to the same office/ workspace every day and seeing the same people, I felt so stifled.

You sound like you have been such a lovely, supportive sister, but as PPs have said, stepping back so she has to take responsibility is probably a good idea.

Is she taking medication?

Yeah she started on it around a week ago so very recent.

"her lovely boyfriend will start to reevaluate if she can’t hold down a job or function"

Her boyfriend will need to understand the reality of being in a partnership with someone who has adhd. DH is diagnosed, medicated and very open to learning about it, trying new techniques etc and life together is still very challenging at times. You can't sugarcoat it or soften the reality if he is going to be in it for the long haul.

I have ADHD. By accident I discovered over the years that it is really well suited to self-employment if she can find an area that she excels in that is reasonably well paid. Through trial and error I learned I just can't cope with the overarching structure and office politics of being employed full time (though I do have one regular employer who books me every year for a couple of months).

Your sister could pick her own hours - power down when she is overwhelmed and power up when she is coping. Sometimes I do 60 hour weeks and sometimes 2-4 hours a week, depending on how capable I am - it can be seasonal.

Is she on medication? A low dose of sertraline could help with anxiety and anxiety-related health problems. Something like ritalin could stabilise her racing thoughts.

Meanwhile, it is important for your own sake to have a loving honest conversation with her. Say you have your own stresses and needs and they aren't being met so you need to focus on them. Tell her she deserves proper support from professionals, so that her relationship with her partner and with you can stay just that - you're not health professionals and it is not your role in her life to provide that support: you won't do it well, you are liable to give mistaken advice, to get deeply drained by the experience because you can't put up professional barriers. It's just not appropriate or in the best interests of her, yourself or her partner. I'd say these things extremely gently and considerately as though you are musing on the best outcome for her, not as though you have thought in advance how to shake her off from being so needy.

I think you've done enough.

She sounds very much like my ex. It was me that encouraged him to seek an ADHD diagnosis, knowing a lot about it, as I and several of my family members also have it.

I hoped it would be a turning point (and it's too early to say that it isn't for your Dsis) but for him, it was the worst thing I could have suggested.

Now, he had a reason for why life had been hard, but also a reason to not put in any effort whatsoever and not accept any criticism at all for his behaviour.

He got involved with a lot of 'ADHD-ers' online who basically all seemed to think they were a bit too special to work or do anything that they didn't want to do or weren't interested in. So aged 50, he's quite happy now to just smoke weed all the time, potter about doing the things he does enjoy and doesn't find boring, and bemoan how terribly awful and ableist everyone else is, including his adult children, to have any expectations of him at all.

I enabled him for a decade but realised in the end that he had used and continues to use, his potential and later confirmed diagnosis, as an excuse for him just really being an arse.

I have 2 other middle-aged friends in the same situation with their DP/DHs.

There comes a time when all the help you've given doesn't help, all your suggestions are met with a 'I can't' and it becomes evident some people are just taking the piss unfortunately.

The medication should make a big difference but ADHD is a major hindrance to holding down many jobs. Partly because of the lack of ability to remain focused and partly because she will be overhard on herself when she goes awry. The ups and downs are hard to deal with too. I would love to know what kind of work best suits someone with ADHD.

OP I recently dated someone with ADHD. I've had depression and anxiety for decades and I see some similarities eg burnout, masking, dopamine mgmt

I had to keep on working and I never had a cheerleader. I'd argue no one should have that task because they'd be exhausted!

How did your sister buy a home? Is her masters needed for work and how has she funded that?

Full disclosure - my parents loaned me money for a work qualification, which I did at evening classes after full time work.

Your sister sounds like she is being enabled. One reason I left the boyfriend isn't his ADHD but his attitude of "everything will get sorted". I sure as hell wasn't going to sort it. I suspect he thinks his family will. But yes, that attitude of "someone else will sort it" is so off putting.

Stop the constant emotional support, you'll be shattered and she won't learn anything. Don't pay for "cheer up takeaway" etc.

edit - I've never had a job I love. Most of us don't, is reality. Bills need paying.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at 48 and started meds in June. They help a lot but are not a panacea, and in my experience the first few months whilst you and your healthcare provider try out doses etc are a bit rocky. As is coming to terms with everything. I have been fortunate that I have had a successful career despite my difficulties - my job mostly plays to my ADHD strengths - and I have also worked my ass off all my life to compensate for my difficulties in all areas of my life including marriage and parenting.
It has to come from her at the end of the day, but the next few months will be challenging for her I expect. You sound like an amazing sister.