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Original poster

Awful wedding almost 10 years ago, still sad

54 replies

Eyecantsee · 02/11/2023 19:57

Almost 10 years ago I married my DH. We are an interracial couple and neither side was happy about it. My then future mil and fil sent me hate mail and my mother stole money given to her to contribute to my wedding costs, she also later stole wedding gift money.

I was barely 20 and the first among my friends to be married so they didn't take it seriously at all. One friend booked a two week holiday and missed my wedding and another didn't turn up until the start of the wedding so I got dressed alone.

On the day I was going to do my own make up, I had planned every detail because no-one else cared, I even bought my DH's suit and shoes. My DM arrived late and brought a make up 'artist' with her, I stupidly let my guard down and allowed her to do my make up (we have a history of police involvement due to child abuse so I try to avoid anything she offers). It was awful, I looked like a drag queen. I looked at this woman's previous work and it was lovely, I still can't understand what happened that day. I was (and still am) far too timid so just tried convince myself it wasn't that bad. I asked a cousin if it looked bad and she laughed in my face but there wasn't any time to fix anything, I tried to undo as much as I could in the drive to the church. Not one picture from the day is usable. I look hideous and every family member looks like they don't want to be there. I showed a friend who didn't attend the wedding the pictures and she told me not to send her any more pictures. From a guest perspective it went really well, I paid extra for really good food, it was a paid for bar and the venue was stunning. Loads of friends said that it was the nicest wedding they had been to as the guests had clearly been at the heart of my planning.

This will sound absolutely ridiculous especially with all of the pain and suffering happening right now but I think about it every day. I've had therapy. All my friends are getting married now and I'm being the helpful friend going to dress fittings, planning bridal showers and just generally showing up and no-one did that for me. They have beautiful pictures and memories and I just feel deep shame about my wedding day.

Our families pretend that they didn't behave the way that they did 10 years ago and now I have three children they play the doting grandparents to but I can't forget what they did. I was barely out of my teens struggling and they all took such pleasure in making things horrible for me.

What can I do to get over this?

OP posts:
curtaintwitchersannonymous · 02/11/2023 19:59

renew your wedding vows? Have a day just for you, nothing expensive, no expectations from friends and family, just invite who you want and do exactly what you want

TeaKitten · 02/11/2023 20:00

Have another wedding and renew your vows?

ThomasinaLivesHere · 02/11/2023 20:00

Sorry that happened. It’s so bad so many acted like that. Could you renew your vows and get dressed up etc and have a wedding you’d want to have? Maybe just the two of you and children or people you’d want there? Hire a professional photographer and get some lovely pictures

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Weddings
Forgotmycoat · 02/11/2023 20:00

oh op, I'm sorry everyone let you down so badly, you deserved a nice day.

Is a vow renewal a possibility or a big anniversary celebration? A day to celebrate all the years together and your children?

Cbt sounds like it may be helpful to help you process feelings about the day.

PastTheGin · 02/11/2023 20:03

That does sound awful! There is no way to undo the past, so therapy to come to terms with it is a good idea.
If you renew your vows or have a fab photo shoot, or both, will it erase some of the hurt?

Angrycat2768 · 02/11/2023 20:04

TeaKitten · 02/11/2023 20:00

Have another wedding and renew your vows?

Yes I think that's the only thing to do. If you haven't had your 10th anniversary yet you could have it for that. You could just have your kids and close friends if you like and get lovely pictures. I also have a disastrous wedding where I look like a clown but I had a civil wedding which was meant to be a formality but I treat as my ' real' wedding because it was sp relaxed, fun and the pictures are better!

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 02/11/2023 20:06

If you are only 29 you are still younger than many many brides! Have another ceremony just for whom you care.

RedHelenB · 02/11/2023 20:08

I think you're being a bit self pitying. You're still martied, 10 years on to presumably a great guy who paid for an expensive wedding for you both. I bet the photos are nowhere near as bad as you're making out, if you managed to wipe the worst of it off

LazJaz · 02/11/2023 20:13

I’m sorry that this happened to you OP. I can see why it’s still eating at you.

You mention that you had low contact with your mother due to child abuse issues. You also mention that now everyone is playing “doting grandparents”. This really surprised me. Are you sure your children are at no risk? Even merely of seeing you treated poorly by your mother? You may like to consider whether this is a healthy and safe relationship to expose your children to.

Hellers · 02/11/2023 20:17

How horrible for you. Your family and friends sound awful. I'd plan something nice for your anniversary, with professional photography, make up, new outfit etc and put a large photo of it in a prominent part of your house so they can all see it. It will be a celebration of your love and marriage which has endured despite everything. It's more important to have a good marriage in the long term than one good wedding day so celebrate that and try your best to forget the actual wedding day itself.

MargotBamborough · 02/11/2023 20:18

I'd go on a nice holiday with your husband and kids and do a vow renewal.

How is your marriage? Are you still happy? Do you love your husband?

FunMum2019 · 02/11/2023 20:19

Plenty people who had beautiful weddings are no longer together! You've made it 10 years, well done! Go celebrate, do a photo shoot, and post some super passive aggressive then/now photos (don't really!!). Celebrate where you're at and being in control now :)

alexisccd · 02/11/2023 20:21

Those memories sound tough to deal with. as others have said...Have another ceremony with those most important to you - and get someone to photo shop the original photos

YikYok · 02/11/2023 20:23

Get some gorgeous photos taken. I went to an Asian wedding recently where bride & groom got a professional photographer to take photos of them all over London - then they played them on a huge projector screen during the wedding Reception! It was a bit bonkers but the photos were fabulous.

Lavender14 · 02/11/2023 20:23

Yeah I was thinking do a vow renewal but do it small and intimate, with noone there who is likely to cause any grief.

I'm sorry op, that's very hurtful and you were really let down. It's a big milestone in your life and you deserved to feel special

jlpth · 02/11/2023 20:25

I'd hire some wedding clothing, get a couple of new pictures taken and blow them up and put them on the wall.

HumanSoapbox · 02/11/2023 20:27

I vote for the renewal. I wouldn't bother having anyone but your husband and kids, two friends each maybe, a photographer, and do it for YOU - get some amazing photographs with and without the kids and four friends. It'll be something special your now-marrying friends haven't done, and it's for YOU so it's really special and you'll get to say what's what and if you plan it well enough you'll know which two of your friends won't let you down.

And if anyone asks why you're doing it, you don't even have to answer.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/11/2023 20:27

All of that is AWFUL

They are the WORST sort of utter cunts

Do it all again with your children, don't invite anyone who doesn't wholeheartedly love, support and adore you Flowers

herbygarden · 02/11/2023 20:28

I was thinking renewal too. Fabulous dress, make up just as you want it - only people you really want there - maybe just you two and your kids? Somewhere sunny maybe? Amazing photos?

parietal · 02/11/2023 20:30

I wouldn't do the vow renewal (because people often gossip that is is about recovering from an affair) but I'd do a big 10th wedding anniversary party and wear a great dress and invite only the people you love and have a lovely time and great photos. Invite only friends if that is who you like most.

By making it a 10th wedding anniversary party you are celebrating how your marriage is strong despite the difficult extended family.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 02/11/2023 20:32

I can totally understand why you feel this way, especially with other people getting married and seeing how different it is for them. I got married first of my friends and they didn’t take it as ‘seriously’ as we all did even a year later, so I can sort of relate to that.

Definitely do some kind of renewal, this is a perfect idea. It won’t change what happened but it might layer some beautiful new memories over those old painful ones. You may find it really healing.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 02/11/2023 20:33

parietal · 02/11/2023 20:30

I wouldn't do the vow renewal (because people often gossip that is is about recovering from an affair) but I'd do a big 10th wedding anniversary party and wear a great dress and invite only the people you love and have a lovely time and great photos. Invite only friends if that is who you like most.

By making it a 10th wedding anniversary party you are celebrating how your marriage is strong despite the difficult extended family.

I’ve never heard this! If you keep it small you can tell everyone why you’re doing it. I’d be delighted to support you if you were my friend.

CaramelMac · 02/11/2023 20:33

Why not book a make up artist and have a professional photo shoot with your children for your 10th anniversary, that way you’ll have some lovely photos to look at, you could even have some taken in your wedding dress if you still have it.

LesleyA · 02/11/2023 20:42

You sound lovely and should have had the wedding you deserved. Maybe you’re cross that you didn’t feel like you could use your voice and insist the make up be redone or removed. The behaviour of your relatives says more about them than you but of course it ruined your day. The thing is just because it’s Christmas doesn’t put everyone who isnt in a good mood that day in a good mood or who ordinarily don’t get on suddenly get on. There was so much at play there your mothers history (abusive behaviour), your in laws contempt, your immaturity (not being immature just being young) it was a recipe for disaster abs a lot of it was cloak and daggery with nothing admitted to which makes it a gaslighting passive aggressive sort of thing and their denial just adds oil to the fire. I would suggest a meeting with them (perhaps even individually) have clear examples of what they did and how it hurt you. You deserve at least them to explain on what grounds they are denying everything. You hold the grandkids so really it’s time they think about your well being. I know this isnt the same but a lot of brides are hugely disappointed with their weddings, people getting drunk, taking advantage of the venues, all sorts … start a blog/find a group like an online support group so you can eventually find humour even just to survive it or support and then try remember it’s the marriage not the wedding. But sorry this happened to you

samestyle · 02/11/2023 20:42

I wouldn't suggest renewing vows, people speculate the marriage was on the rocks, recovering from an affair, it's sad they couldn't be pleased at the time, my thinking it was more your age. I would be concerned if my child was getting married at 20, however you have lasted and you should be proud of what you've achieved together, I would look forward than dwell on the past.

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