Awful wedding almost 10 years ago, still sad

[Eyecantsee]

Almost 10 years ago I married my DH. We are an interracial couple and neither side was happy about it. My then future mil and fil sent me hate mail and my mother stole money given to her to contribute to my wedding costs, she also later stole wedding gift money.

I was barely 20 and the first among my friends to be married so they didn't take it seriously at all. One friend booked a two week holiday and missed my wedding and another didn't turn up until the start of the wedding so I got dressed alone.

On the day I was going to do my own make up, I had planned every detail because no-one else cared, I even bought my DH's suit and shoes. My DM arrived late and brought a make up 'artist' with her, I stupidly let my guard down and allowed her to do my make up (we have a history of police involvement due to child abuse so I try to avoid anything she offers). It was awful, I looked like a drag queen. I looked at this woman's previous work and it was lovely, I still can't understand what happened that day. I was (and still am) far too timid so just tried convince myself it wasn't that bad. I asked a cousin if it looked bad and she laughed in my face but there wasn't any time to fix anything, I tried to undo as much as I could in the drive to the church. Not one picture from the day is usable. I look hideous and every family member looks like they don't want to be there. I showed a friend who didn't attend the wedding the pictures and she told me not to send her any more pictures. From a guest perspective it went really well, I paid extra for really good food, it was a paid for bar and the venue was stunning. Loads of friends said that it was the nicest wedding they had been to as the guests had clearly been at the heart of my planning.

This will sound absolutely ridiculous especially with all of the pain and suffering happening right now but I think about it every day. I've had therapy. All my friends are getting married now and I'm being the helpful friend going to dress fittings, planning bridal showers and just generally showing up and no-one did that for me. They have beautiful pictures and memories and I just feel deep shame about my wedding day.

Our families pretend that they didn't behave the way that they did 10 years ago and now I have three children they play the doting grandparents to but I can't forget what they did. I was barely out of my teens struggling and they all took such pleasure in making things horrible for me.

What can I do to get over this?

I feel your pain. My DM arrived an hour before my wedding, I had to get changed in their hotel bathroom as her husband was in bedroom. Because they came so late I had to get my hair & make up done alone. When my DSis got married she pulled out all the stops, champagne at hairdressers, getting ready together etc.
its 17 years ago & I still feel sad about it & it is one of the things that has affected my relationship with her. She didn’t agree with my choices in how we got married & so made no effort in making it special for me

You don’t have to have contact with your family ( including in laws) if you don’t want to. They don’t sound like particularly nice people tbh and I’d be worried what messages they’re passing to your children under the guise of doting grandparents. Abusers rarely just stop.

You can’t change your past but you are in charge of your own future!

Forget about any marriage vow renewal for now and spend your money on good quality therapy to help change your mindset from ‘why did this happen to me’ to ‘I’m too good for these family members, I don’t need them so I’m going to ditch them and have a great life’.

I can fully understand why you feel continued grief about your wedding. It should be a day full of special memories that last a lifetime, and that was taken from you. You say you had therapy. Did it help at all?

Of course it’s not only about the wedding but the way you were treated by your family. It’s hard to get over it if they don’t acknowledge it.

you and your husband need to treat yourselves to a beautiful anniversary wedding photography session.

I know how it feels as my DM ruined my wedding day for me in so many ways (DF n/c), and then she gave a speech where she utterly humiliated me in front of all our guests. It was the last straw and we are now NC. I was bitter and so embarrassed for a very long time afterwards, but you must try and move past this. Get more counselling or CBT if you need it. It was one day in your life, and now 10 years on you have your DH and DC - aim to look forwards and not backwards otherwise it will drag you down forever.

You have had some good suggestions - I particularly like a 10th anniversary party with only your most loved and trusted friends and family present, or perhaps a photo shoot of you, DH and DC.

Thank you for all the thoughtful comments and suggestions. I realise that one day shouldn't dictate a marriage and I'm very lucky that DH is lovely and a wonderful dad. I was a bit hesitant to spend money on a renewal as we have children now but I have to do something as I'm still thinking about it. I've half heartedly looked into renewals but I'm going to have a proper look, we don't have many friends so I wondered if they would feel awkward. Our wedding guest list with all our family and friends was only 29 people. And I really like the idea of going away on holiday with just our children to celebrate our 10 years.

Therapy was really helpful and I can talk about things with a counsellor but I struggle to actually make the changes.

It's reassuring to hear that most people can understand my struggle to move through this. I think it's the shame I feel. I couldn't stand up for myself. I went on and on about how I wanted a wedding photo for our home, I just wanted a photo of us after everything we went through to get to the day. I looked really bad, friends went silent when they saw me. My foundation was about five shades lighter than it should have been and to this day I'm not entirely sure how to describe what she did to my hair. I just still feel so stupid for letting my guard down.

I'm so sorry. I completely understand that feeling of bitterness. I'm glad that you're free of her now. I'm trying to keep my perspective that it was just one day.

For clarity, my DH did not pay a single penny towards our wedding.

Can you go to Las Vegas and do a wedding renewal there? Or choose a holiday destination. Friends did a vow renewal and it was only them and their kids, no one else. Still really special for them.

Who paid for your wedding then?

Lots of people have amazing and ‘perfect’ weddings and the marriage doesn’t work out.

I would choose one bad day.

And like others suggested, you can always redo it, but I don’t think you need to. Can you all go and get your photo taken on the anniversary , get your make up done and all get dressed up and look at your lovely family now and how far you have come from that wedding day years ago.

I agree with this. Book a special holiday, just you, DH and the kids. Do a vow renewal there and book a photographer for some lovely photographs.

My parents and inlaws were truly awful to me but now that the children are here it's like it never happened. I've kept everything piece of hate mail my in laws sent and I still feel like I'm owed an apology but I don't think it will come. I don't that my parents in particular deserve my 'forgiveness' but I'm very low contact and probably see both sets of parents a maximum of four times a year.

My children also don't spend nights away at their grandparents homes. If they were to return to their old behaviour they would be cut off immediately. My older sister has gone no contact with my my parents after the abuse they put her through so it is something I think about.

Op how about a professional photoshoot of you and your children in your finest partywear to display on the walls? and also some of you and dh?

@Eyecantsee I dont think the issue is the wedding.
The issue is the way you were treated by your mum. That it wasn’t a one off but one of the many times when she didn’t treat you well.

You keep saying that somehow it was your fault for putting your guard down and letting g that make up artist do the job.
It wasnt.
It was YOUR MUM’S fault for stepping in and giving completely unsuitable guidance to that woman.

The fact she is now playing the nice and lovely grandma now will be even more hurtful p. Because she is proving to you that she COULD have been the nice and loving mum you needed then.

My inlaws did something that really upset both myself and DH. He did confront them at the time but even several years later they will say or do something that essentially picks the scab on that old wound. Not bad enough to stop it slowly healing but to bring back some of the pain. Going no contact would be an over-reaction for my situation, but I wonder if seeing your parents (especially them being nice and denying what happened) does re-open your wound and if going no contact would be helpful?

Do you think it’s really about the wedding or more about the treatment of the people who came to the wedding/your inability to challenge them/their failure to acknowledge how they behaved? I would suggest you’d be more likely to be able to move on if you were able to have a discussion with them, tell them what impact they had on you and ask for an apology

Both families sound awful, and I'm sorry you went through this.

However, your marriage has lasted so you should be proud and focus on that. I wouldn't go for a renewal of vows, as I really don't see the point of that, but have a professional shoot if you want some nice photos.

Honestly, many people I know don't have their wedding photos on show - mainly due to the era they got married in.

--^

Well done on your 10 years of marriage. I hope you find some peace. I vote for a big 10 year party and leave the haters out of the whole affair.

I think a destination wedding with just your kids present would be wonderful- book a lovely hotel, get married on the beach with gorgeous dress and celebrate being a family.

If it's a nice photo you want, can you not get the best photo of the bunch and have it altered/ touched up by a professional?

I'm sorry you are so unhappy about the wedding day but it sounds like you have a good husband and lovely family. Please try and focus on that.
Some people have a fantastic wedding and a bad marriage.

Are you financially comfortable now? Could you and your husband buy some beautiful clothes and have a photo shoot? Maybe as part of a holiday, country house, private dining for the two of you while your kids have a babysitter in a seperate room. Hire someone to do hair and make up for a photo shoot, the two of you and then also with your children. The right person would be able to help pull all of this together for you.

Closure / counselling etc all takes time and it may take finding just the right moment and just the right time to pack it all up and move it away. Therr are neuro linguistic programming techniques that if carefully matched to your needs, can help with this.

I read something yesterday... "Be radically self compassionate'.

You can't fix other people but you can take the best care of yourself.

I’d do a 10 year anniversary bash, get glammed up, have photo’s taken. That would work all round. If you do a vow renewal everyone will be asking who played up on who, and/or think you were separating but decided to stick it out together instead, hence wedding mark II.

I’m probably going to have an unpopular opinion here, but if my DD announced they were getting married at 20yo, I wouldn’t be thrilled (and yes, I have adult kids). I’m sure people will swamp in to say they got married at 20 and are fine, and that’s great, but it’s just not what I would want for my kids, and I don’t know anyone personally who would be thrilled about it. Of course, I would never sabotage hair or make up or send hate mail, but I’d be hard pressed to turn up and pretend to be happy with a smile plastered in my face and wouldn’t do anything to facilitate it either such as arranging stuff/being helpful. Maybe that’s a factor with your parents or maybe not, who knows.