Awful wedding almost 10 years ago, still sad

[Eyecantsee]

Almost 10 years ago I married my DH. We are an interracial couple and neither side was happy about it. My then future mil and fil sent me hate mail and my mother stole money given to her to contribute to my wedding costs, she also later stole wedding gift money.

I was barely 20 and the first among my friends to be married so they didn't take it seriously at all. One friend booked a two week holiday and missed my wedding and another didn't turn up until the start of the wedding so I got dressed alone.

On the day I was going to do my own make up, I had planned every detail because no-one else cared, I even bought my DH's suit and shoes. My DM arrived late and brought a make up 'artist' with her, I stupidly let my guard down and allowed her to do my make up (we have a history of police involvement due to child abuse so I try to avoid anything she offers). It was awful, I looked like a drag queen. I looked at this woman's previous work and it was lovely, I still can't understand what happened that day. I was (and still am) far too timid so just tried convince myself it wasn't that bad. I asked a cousin if it looked bad and she laughed in my face but there wasn't any time to fix anything, I tried to undo as much as I could in the drive to the church. Not one picture from the day is usable. I look hideous and every family member looks like they don't want to be there. I showed a friend who didn't attend the wedding the pictures and she told me not to send her any more pictures. From a guest perspective it went really well, I paid extra for really good food, it was a paid for bar and the venue was stunning. Loads of friends said that it was the nicest wedding they had been to as the guests had clearly been at the heart of my planning.

This will sound absolutely ridiculous especially with all of the pain and suffering happening right now but I think about it every day. I've had therapy. All my friends are getting married now and I'm being the helpful friend going to dress fittings, planning bridal showers and just generally showing up and no-one did that for me. They have beautiful pictures and memories and I just feel deep shame about my wedding day.

Our families pretend that they didn't behave the way that they did 10 years ago and now I have three children they play the doting grandparents to but I can't forget what they did. I was barely out of my teens struggling and they all took such pleasure in making things horrible for me.

What can I do to get over this?

There are always going to be wedding day niggles.

My friend was 30 years old plus....and she hated her wedding day. She hated her hair, the driver got them lost... they arrived over 2 hours late for reception, falling out with her mother in law.

If you consider re-doing your wedding vows, I will only invite a few of your nearest and dearest.

God that's awful, I'm so sorry.

My very first thought was to go renew your wows. But don't have any guests. Spend all your money on being pampered, going somewhere beautiful, amazing food and 5 star hotel. Getting married is about the two of you, it's actually nothing to do with anyone else.

My husband and I eloped after trying to organise a small wedding and my mil being absolutely awful, making demands, fil partner the same!

Just get married all over again and make it about the two of YOU.

Your wedding represents a time in your life where you felt you had no control and no support. It sounds a little as if you thought the wedding would be the catalyst for change in your family dynamics and friendships but instead it compounded the way you were feeling.

There are serious issues within your family to address, but a lot of the things, especially when you are comparing them to your friends getting married now, are part of being 20 and getting married much sooner than anyone else - it isn't personal, honest.

I have a good relationship with my parents now, but at 20 I would have ended up in the situation with my mum taking over and treating me like a child in adult situations - not many of us are treated like adults at 20 or have the confidence to assert ourselves in every situation. My mum and I can laugh about some of the bad decisions I made at 20, but you and your mum have not moved on to an adult-adult relationship, you are still fixed in the same dynamic.

Similarly, I would have struggled to be excited for a friend getting married at 20, it would have seemed really odd and like playing at being a grown up. I wouldn't have known where to start on things like dress fittings. This is more a reflection of how mature everyone else around you would have been, rather than you. It really wasn't personal, please don't compare to the 30 yos getting married now.

I think it would help to separate the things that were real issues and work on them - these are mainly your families and you being expected to play a certain part. Do you see a lot of them?

What’s wrong with being married at 20? I was, and we had 57 wonderful years together until my husband died. But, each to his own and I realise things have changed. Back then, it was normal to get married that young and most of my friends who did the same had long and happy marriages.
As long as you choose the right person, it should be fine.