Would you pay DD's rent?

[Mastmw7g]

We moved away just as DD finished university, so we agreed to pay her rent for a year as long as she was working. She's been making money by posting pictures and videos of herself online, which she says is working.

Now she wants to move in with us in two months. She says she'll get a job. She may stay with us for a long time, but I sent her listings and she said her budget is the amount we agreed to pay for her rent. I feel like the agreement to pay her rent goes away if she moves to where we live, as that wasn't the intent. But, at the same time, I don't want her to live with me as she was so unpleasant to live with before. I really don't know what I'm going to do. What would you do?

If you don't want her to move in, tell her that and why.
Or, allow her to move in and don't charge rent for say the first couple of months so she can build up enough savings to get a place of her own, if she doesn't move out after that, then start charging. Or charger her straight away but at a lower cost so she can save up some money for again, getting her own place.

It seems like she doesn't have much of a plan at the moment but if she's wanting to move to where you guys are I wouldn't ignore that as there might be a bigger reason for this.
I would be agreeing some ground rules if your paying her rent such as she is actively applying for jobs (which starts now), that it's a limited time period etc.
If she moves in with you then much greater ground rules around behaviour, how long she csn stay etc.

Simple you don't let her move in she's and adult and explain why

I would do anything to get my daughter out of being a sex worker. (she isnt but if she was)

Doesn't that bother you enough to try and stop it by letting her live with you?

I don't think living with me would alter her choices. Paying her rent for her hasn't.

I just think that girls in the sex industry are so vulnerable.
It frequently doesn't stay online

'Dd you need to think back to our discussion over rent. We agreed to pay for a year as we moved away. That time frame is up at x date so you'll need to make plans. Whilst we're not thrilled with your job choice atm we accept that you're a grown up and will do as you choose. Re you moving, if your budget is tight you might need to look at house shares. We've discussed you moving back with us but that doesn't seem the right move for any of us, you need to have independence we can't offer. Let us know what you decide. Just to let you know our last payment will hit your account in x month. Speak soon'

Haven't you just posted a thread about this already?

Your daughter is clearly vulnerable. On your other thread, your husband has told her she can move back in with you. I know you've had issues with her behaviour in the past but I think she needs you, and your help and support right now.

I did. I don't know if I'm thinking that circumstances have changed, or that Chat is a better place for this than AIBU. Or maybe I just feel alone because my husband feels so differently than me.

I suppose he just want to protect his little girl from prostitution (and all that goes with it)
You must see that?

How sad for your poor DD that you don't want her living anywhere near you, to the extent you will pay for her to live anywhere else.

I wouldn't pay her rent, no. And she would only be allowed to move in with me if she got a proper job. That would be my condition...she can only move in if she gets a proper job and stops the online nonsense.

I just foresee so much fighting. My two youngest kids were loud today. I imagine her trying to make a video in her bedroom and screaming at them, then them crying in response and me not saying anything to keep the peace but my husband yelling at all the kids.

You: "My DD is horrible to me and only wants money"
Also you: "I taught her by my actions that money is affection and I don't want to emotionally support her or spend any time with her and will hand her money to make her leave me alone and I emotionally neglected her to the point that she is so desperate for affection from anyone at all that she's posting pics of herself online for money and I have NO IDEA AT ALL how she turned out like this."
I mean why did you even have a child?

Where is she posting pictures and videos of herself? Is she trying to make it as an influencer or is she a cam-girl? That would affect my response. If she was unpleasant to live with before she wouldn't be moving back in, end of.

If she's messing around trying to be famous I'd be telling her in no uncertain terms that she's an adult now and it's time to get a real job with regular wages, like everyone else.

If she's got herself into some kind of tricky situation she's struggling to extricate herself from and if I could afford it I'd pay her rent (not bills) in a house share for 6 months in your area, to give her a chance to leave her troubles behind and turn her life around.

But that's it. She's got enough intelligence to go to university, she's got enough intelligence to get a job and house herself. She's a grown up now, I wouldn't be pandering to any more nonsense. She won't be destitute, she'll have to claim UC like every other unemployed person looking for work.

if you have small children at home and she is doing sex work from her room, that in my view becomes a safeguarding concern.

She's not a prostitute! I'm sorry if I gave that impression. Her videos don't even have nudity, according to her, though she does do things like give her car a wash in her bikini.

He's much more lax about what she's doing than me, but she's his stepdaughter and I think he's missing that thing where she was a baby, a stranger the parent loves without knowing. Like I don't want her dancing on a pole in videos because it's sexualized and he just doesn't want it in our house because he thinks the pole would get in the way and there's no space for it. He does love her, but that grew over time instead of it being instant.

We talk almost daily, and our relationship has really improved since we stopped living together. She even says she's begun preferring to talk to me over my husband, which was never the way before. And we have a visit planned and I organized all her travel and am anxious to see her because I do miss her, but at the same time it's been nice to have the opportunity to miss her in absence of all the anger and fighting.

@IAmNeon She is on a subscription platform that mainly is used by sex workers for pornography, but she says there's no nudity on her videos. It's possible she just said that after I found out through her social media.

(She didn't tell me what she was doing. She posted it online and all her extended family learned, so I do worry about her safety because if she wasn't intelligent enough to prevent her grandparents from learning how will she prevent strangers from learning where she lives.)

I don't think she's in a tricky situation. She had a housemate who did this and she wanted to do it, too, so she did. She has said she would get a job after moving. It's hard to know if that's true. I think she finds the search process daunting. But she's very unhappy with her housemates, and says she's miserable.

You're being naïve. "No nudity" could mean a thong and nipple tassles. She's a sex worker (ie basically a prostitute, she's selling herself regardless of what activities she takes part in). People aren't going on that platform with the intention to pay money for fully dressed pics that show nothing.

So, what's the reason she wants to come live with you?

@IAmNeon She says she wants to live with me because she's miserable where she lives. There's drama with her housemates, she has a lot of acquaintances to go out with but no one to really talk to, which is why she calls almost every day. She is also really isolated because she doesn't have regular hours or a place to be at a certain time, so she's been setting alarms to remind her to do basic things to care for herself and her dog. She's scared to leave her dog alone at the house because it is loud and her housemates yell at the dog. She's also in an expensive area, which is why we moved and she chose to share a room rather than other options, but is unhappy with the reality of sharing a bedroom.

We agreed to help dd with rent whilst she did a course (covid stuffed up her previous diploma & affected employability) but once she was eligible she was expected to work/claim UC.

things didn’t work out and she recently moved back in with us but she pays us a weekly rent (contribution towards her food & bills). It’s only £45 per week but it’s a condition of her living here plus she has to adhere to house rules.

I would absolutely draw the line at paying my daughter's rent while she makes adult videos or have her living with me while she did so, either. I also wouldn't have her living with me, aged 21, if she caused trouble in the house.

As for your husband - her stepfather - there's something really horrible about him thinking the only thing wrong with her pole dancing for money is that the pole gets in the way.

She needs to grow up then. It's time to realise most decent people aren't going to want to be close friends with a sex worker. The drama with her housemates is likely to be either a) a normal part of life in a houseshare or b) that they have issue with her being a sex worker. Or they have issue with her being in competition with them! If they're all at it. Plus possibly her bad attitude in thinking that her "job" is the most important thing going on in the house and everyone should fit round it, if her behaviour when she lived at home is anything to go by.

Other people won't tolerate her nonsense but she knows her family will because they did before. Tell her no.

If after a year she has failed to make her chosen form of self-employment successful enough that it will provide her with enough to live on, then it's a failed venture and she needs to accept that. She can claim UC and look for a job. As most landlord won't accept people on benefits that's going to mean staying where she is and building her new life step by step. She's a university graduate FFS! Too old to be running home to mummy because she's had a falling out with her housemates. She needs to learn to get along with people, even those she doesn't like, how else is she going to get on in the workplace?

It won't so much be the search she's finding daunting, more the fact it involves actual effort and hard work. Then she'll have all the knock backs to deal with because she's made herself virtually unemployable I should think. She's not a 16yr old looking for a basic job with training, where employers don't mind because the min wage for that age group is so low, and of course they've no experience having just left school. She's mid 20s with a degree and is supposed to already have experience of the world of work. It won't look very clever that she's spent the last year doing only fans or whatever. She'll struggle to get people to take her seriously, I should think. She'll need to not consider any job as being beneath her or too low paid compared to what she gets now, she needs to focus instead on getting a foot in the door of some industry other than sex work and accept she's starting from a disadvantage compared to everyone else her age.