Would you pay DD's rent?

[Mastmw7g]

We moved away just as DD finished university, so we agreed to pay her rent for a year as long as she was working. She's been making money by posting pictures and videos of herself online, which she says is working.

Now she wants to move in with us in two months. She says she'll get a job. She may stay with us for a long time, but I sent her listings and she said her budget is the amount we agreed to pay for her rent. I feel like the agreement to pay her rent goes away if she moves to where we live, as that wasn't the intent. But, at the same time, I don't want her to live with me as she was so unpleasant to live with before. I really don't know what I'm going to do. What would you do?

From your other thread the housemates she shares with also don't like her or her dog she hasn't bothered to train which behaves badly.

She's the common denominator in this. Why doesn't she get a real job and pay her own rent?

You seem remarkably blasé about your daughter being a cam girl. I'm actually really shocked by your attitude towards her. Imo, you need to step up and get your daughter home. No sex work, no cam work, proper job etc. What is her degree? Why isn't she pursuing work in line with that?

How long is left on the rental contract? Because what with her inconsiderate behaviour re: owning a dog in a house share (especially when she shares a bedroom and the dog barks a lot. Of course she shouldn't leave that for them to deal with!) I can see the rest of them refusing to live with her when the contract comes up for renewal. She's totally selfish and has a massive sense of entitlement with accompanying attitude problem. She should be apologising to housemates for destroying their peace at home with an unruly dog, not acting as though they're in the wrong for yelling at it. I wonder if she had the dog before they agreed to live with her or whether she made a unilateral decision to purchase one and presented it as a done deal so they had no option to refuse?

She is a sex worker- she is selling sexual acts foe money.
Sadly she is probably lying to you.

She won't just be washing cars- As an example- entry level is penetrating various orifices of her body with objects whilst someone at the other end is watching and filming.

Using drink/drugs to manage to do what clients are asking you do do online is common

Meeting your clients 1 to 1 is a very small step.

This is confusing as your two threads are just different information, first she's moving in with you but you don't want her to, now you're paying her rent?
She needs to stand on her own two feet, she is 20.

At 20 I'd probably let her move in for a bit with a clear understanding that she needs to find her own two feet, have plans for how she will do that, and that her current way of earning money may not be conducted from my home as a condition of living there. It sounds like she might need a bit of redirection and support and 20 is really quite young these days.

Bloody hell, that is so callous. I do not understand how people behave in that kind of way to their own child who is clearly vulnerable and struggling emotionally, otherwise she'd not be doing this, would she? Would you genuinely do that to your own daughter, if she was getting drawn into sex work and asking you for help, wanting to move in with you - i.e. stating as clearly as you could likely expect that she is lost and needs the security of family - and your response would be to be cold, show no concern whatsoever, be transactional and make her feel alone, unwanted and unsupported? Or did you just write this because it's the internet when actually - like most human beings - you actually love your children and wouldn't really do anything of the sort and would instead try to support and protect her?

Yes, this. 😔

I wasn't blasé when I first found out, but I've learned to be very measured in my response since then if I want her in my life because she's very sensitive to any hint of shaming. She's cut out her dad because of his response, and he didn't even say anything to her at all. Ignored it completely and they just had a strange and awkward conversation, so she said he was childish.

Only one housemate has a rental contract with the owner. She says DD can leave if she finds someone to take her place, but that isn't written down. There's two other dogs at the house, and everyone knew DD would be bringing a dog.

She doesn't have plans to stop putting videos of herself online, but says she'll get a job if she moves. Her degree is related to art and design. She's not certain what she wants to do. But she's in a good financial position. She has almost three times in savings what I have, and her dad bought her a new car three months ago. So she has choices.

@Nepmarthiturn She is not horrible to me now that there's some distance between us. She's excited to hear from me and we get along well. We talk almost every day. But she's very mercurial, and I have to be careful of my tone and attitude. For example, she called me at 2am wanting to know something and said I had a tone so she wouldn't talk to me for a week after that. She hit something with her car another time and it was fixable without having to take her car in, but she hit a tree at her house with a big stick repeatedly until there was visible damage and later was told by the owners that if she did anything like that again she'd have to leave.

She's not emotionally neglected. She's asked me several times whether I approve of her choices. I know she wants me to say yes. I instead tell her how proud I am of her, which I am. We've gotten to a good place, and I worry that will be difficult to sustain under the same roof.

For example, she called me at 2am wanting to know something and said I had a tone so she wouldn't talk to me for a week after that.

How can you say she's not horrible to you and then type the above. That's the very definition of horrible. Nobody should be calling at 2am unless it's a dire emergency. It's ok to be annoyed at someone for calling at 2am when it's not an emergency, it's perfectly reasonable for that annoyance to show in your tone of voice. Your DD is darned rude if she thinks such behaviour is ok in the first place. Even more rude for thinking you're not entitled to your justifiable emotions. "Punishing" you by not speaking to you for a week is ridiculous, childish and at her age very messed up behaviour. I wouldn't pay her rent, but if I could afford it I'd pay for therapy. She's got major boundaries issues, not respecting others boundaries and possibly having none of her own since she thought sex work was a good career choice to get into. She's also got issues with emotional regulation. Her reaction to having a car crash was so very far removed from normal.

Why you don't want to help your daughter? We don't stop being mums when our children reach 18 years old.

@IAmNeon I can say she's not horrible because we get along so much better now. One of the reasons she prefers talking to me now is because my husband gets annoyed and treats her dire emergencies like minor inconveniences, which of course they are. But I instead am patient and listen which choosing carefully how I respond.

I do pay for her therapy, but she says it's all complaining about her housemates and that even in therapy she was told she should move.

And it wasn't even a car crash! It was very minor damage to a mirror and all fixable. Someone visiting the house fixed it quickly after seeing it. I know she was frustrated, but she can get very angry and she definitely has time to work on that, but I've been grateful for the distance between us while she works on it.

@Alohapotato I do want to help her, and have been helping her since she turned 18. I didn't stop. But enabling can hurt more than it helps, and I don't want to do that.

She’s not telling you everything, only what she thinks you will agree with and think it’s ok

if she’s on a adult site, she’s DOING IT

She needs to get a job, anything McDonald’s, pound shop anything
She thinks it’s easy money in front of the phone making videos

if I was you
i would join this site, look her up
and see what she actually does ???

The pearl clutchers on here, she's not a step away from being a prostitute! Loads of women do online pics etc and never take it to real life, and many make a lot of money at it too. Online at least they're in control and not in physical danger.

@Windmill34 I helped her get a job. She did the interview and then they asked for her paperwork and she never responded because she decided it wasn't enough money. I fear she'll do the same thing again just in a different location if she moves here.

Good for them mammy. I don't personally care if someone wants to choose to be a prostitute (which is what I personally think cam work is).

The issue here is this particular woman isn't making enough money to pay her rent (or she is but she's choosing to spend it on other things, like going out with her mates, whilst trying to manipulate/guilt her mother into paying it).

She is expecting her mother to pay her rent, despite the fact she's a university graduate in her mid 20s who could be doing a job that earns her enough to pay her own rent. She's a workshy scrounger.

Or wants for her mother to house her despite having what sounds like significant MH issues, an attitude problem, and being a shit to her younger siblings who would be living in the house with her. What about those children, do they not deserve a happy home where they can feel safe?

That's the issue, not what she chooses to do to earn money. It's the fact she's not earning a living from it and expecting OP to subsidize her. Why should OP help someone who's not willing to help herself? You know, by growing the fuck up and getting a proper job so she can pay her way in life? As well as learning to behave in a civil manner towards others?

OP, therapy only works if a person engages with it. If she's using it to offload about her housemates drama it's going to teach her very little. A person has to be willing to change, otherwise change won't happen. It doesn't sound as though she's using it to sort her life out, learn to manage her difficulties or learn coping skills.

Can you not see how messed up it is to say that you get along fine with her only as long as you tip-toe round her emotions, put up with her demanding nonsense and punishments, walking on eggshells the whole time to try to avoid setting her off? When a person is nice as long as they get what they want all the time, that isn't actually nice at all because there's no consideration for others in their thinking.

Just because a therapist tells her she should move out of where she's currently living, that doesn't mean you have to facilitate it.

Why did you move away when she was nearing the end of uni. Most students these days expect to go home after uni, it can be very difficult to rent straight away.

@IAmNeon
What you personally think doesn't make it fact, it's not being a prostitute.

@FrenchandSaunders We lived in a very expensive area where we couldn't afford much space. My husband's company had other locations, and we chose one that was much less expensive. He asked for a transfer and it was approved. We offered to pay her rent initially because I felt the move was unfair to her. I feel torn about whether we should continue to pay her rent if she moves here. She's excited that the amount we paid for her to share a bedroom in a house could rent a place of her own with possibly two bedrooms. She's just discouraged by the fact that she may have to contend with communal laundry, no garden, walking up stairs after going to the market, and so on. But at the same time I don't want to ruin our relationship by having us live together again.

@IAmNeon She has savings she doesn't want to touch, so she prefers having us pay her rent. But she's not destitute.

I realize that my relationship with her is imperfect, but it's so much improved over what it was. I don't want her cutting me out of her life as she's done to her dad. And two and a half years ago my stepfather said something to her. He didn't like the way she was speaking to us, and she immediately decided she didn't like him and cut him out. And this is someone who's been in her life since birth. So I do have to be careful if I want this relationship, and I do. I just don't know if being careful means not living with her and paying for her rent to live elsewhere in my area.

If she’s on benefits and not working
they will pay her rent if she goes on universal credit.

if you carry on paying her rent, the minute you stop she’s going to fall out with you anyway!

It is in my eyes so that's what I'll call it. Also she's taking the piss and you're a mug. She's nasty and you'd rather have any relationship than no relationship, so you out up with it. You've made your choice then haven't you. Good luck with it

@Mastmw7g I also have a daughter whom I love dearly but us living together again will be a matter of dire need not a whim because she doesn’t want to spend her savings.

Your Dd is an adult now and making her own choices about what to do and where to live. You have to let her deal with the consequences of those choices. She makes enough money by the sound of it to rent in a more suitable accommodation and is not tied to where she lives by her job. Help her to be an adult and be responsible for herself don’t just pay her rent, that won’t allow her mature at all.

Her choice of work isn’t for you approve or disapprove but she needs to be able to support herself going forward. You can support in other ways but frankly if she stops talking to you after a stupid call at 2am then you need to step back a bit and not be such a doormat. You can’t keep tiptoeing around in case you upset her, that’s no way for you to live and it’s teaching her nothing about her own behaviour.

I would do anything for my Dd but if she called at 2am and it wasn’t an emergency she’d get short shrift. If she has tried everything and can’t make ends meet one month I’ll go through her finances with her and help her short term but that’s it. You have to let them fail sometimes in order to learn, if you solve her issues all the term she’s not going to change a thing.