Tell me something I should already know

[Mumwithqs]

So I imagine this is a relatively normal way for some people to feel, but I'm 7 months pregnant (very happily) and feel as though I don't actually know how to look after a baby.

The general advice seems to be that it'll all just come to me naturally but I'm the type of person who plans everything and hate going into things feeling like to don't know what I'm doing. I will panic if I don't know what/why my baby is doing something.

What's your top piece of advice? Especially re- sleeping, (bottle) feeding, bathing etc

Lower your standards - the washing up will have to wait in the first few weeks!
Don’t have a quiet house, just carry on with radio/music, hoover etc however you normally live and they’ll sleep through anything.
Lots of fresh air, it helps them sleep…

And, when they’re a toddler, wipe up spilt weetabix immediately before it sets like concrete!

If you are going to swaddle research it first. Never use blankets or put a blanket over a swaddled baby. They need to stay cool.

For personal reasons I didn't swaddle

My add on to this would be to keep the bag always packed.

As soon as I came in part of my routine was to unpack any used stuff and "restock", that way the bag was always ready to go and all I had to think about when going out was dressing myself and baby

I don't know what the latest rules are and I know it certainly seemed to change every other week when my 4 were babies, but the best things/techniques I found were swaddling (in a special thin jersey swaddle blanket) and a Moby Wrap.

I even miss wearing a baby in a wrap and the youngest is now 13

You know your baby best. Don't beat yourself up when you have a bad parenting day, children don't come with manuals.

A lot of conflicting advice on here.

OP nobody will know your baby better than you and I promise it comes naturally! I'd never even changed a nappy before I had my son and as soon as he arrived it all just came to me.

This isn’t really practical advice but it’s the best advice anyone ever gave me;

Don’t feel smug when it’s going well but equally don’t feel guilty when it’s a going badly (basically saying most things are beyond your control, just do your best and roll with it).

also something that helped me when I was struggling, people have been doing this for millennia, you can do this too.

A babybreza is fantastic, we never once made a bottle the faffy way. We had to use special formula, but if you don’t use the one thats easiest to buy where you live, the only difference between them is price and packaging.

Footless babygros last longer, our daughter was long, onesies with feet that were long enough completely swamped her.

Get a snot sucker, its best to have it ready as otherwise you’ll be doing the mouth suck and spit out asap method.

The trouble is that things you 'learn' now are not absolutes and may not work for your baby or for you. Apart from the vests going down thing!

It is really hard, in the blizzard of advice you will get, to spot the things that will help - and how can you even know, before you meet this new person?? You'll work it out together.

I think it was a helpful moment when I realised that spending something crazy like 45 minutes changing a nappy (gathering stuff together, getting ds undressed when he hated being naked, avoiding dropping him, putting nappy on, realising it was upside down, taking it off again, finding he'd already pooed a bit on it, getting another one, wrestling outer and liner because we were using washables, getting it on, dressing him, putting the nappy in the laundry) - that was brilliant as far as he was concerned. He'd had my undivided attention and eye contact for all that time. It's not about 'performing'. And with children fir a long long time it's much more about the process than the end result - filling the paddling pool up (watering cans, taps, splashing, running in and out) is a whole lot more fun than sitting in it.

Try to not feel guilty for the things you aren't doing (washing up, vacuuming, baby groups, entertaining family, whatever) prioritise your baby and you. They are small for such a short time, make the most of it. But at the same time it can be hard so don't beat yourself up if you find it hard work.
Also perfect prep machine revolutionised bottle feeding for us.

The arm test.

when baby is sleeping, lift their arm. If it falls straight back down then they are in a deep enough sleep to be put down without their eyes popping open the moment they don’t feel you holding them.

Babies don't need washing every single day, their skin has natural oils and they don't need it, at most a bottom dunk and hands.

Yes bf is much easier but you have to follow babies needs and flow...

It doesn't seem like babies are doing much but their brains are forming and growing at the most rapid rate in their lives and brain synapsis are forming.

Obviously gaze at baby and do all the one to one stuff...

I also believe in the 4th trimester where baby needs quiet gentle introduction to the world.

I bottle fed two because as a part time worker there was no maternity leave and I had to use 2 weeks annual leave and return to work (28 hrs).

I moved to room temp bottle feeds as soon as possible. I also used to make up the feeds ahead of time and calculated how much boiling water would bring them up to temperature so baby didn't have to wait for it to cool (my sisters did this and it took ages with a crying baby and IMO was unnecessary). 4oz bottle with 3oz of fridge temp water and 1oz boiling water = blood temperature feed kind of thing.

Keep it simple clothing wise.

Try and look after yourself. If trusted people visit get a shower or a nap.

Don't entertain. Ask visitors to put the kettle on.

If you intend to breastfeed, buy nipple shields and nipple cream in advance. Also buy a bottle and a ready made bottle of formula just in case you have difficulties. If you have to mix feed early on, it's not the end of the world and you can gradually move back to exclusive breastfeeding. Kellymom is the best site for advice on breastfeeding. It's factual and pragmatic. Look up breast pumps in advance and know where you can buy one from quickly if you encounter problems feeding. Buy breast pads whether or not you intend to feed.

Put the moses basket mattress in a pillowcase. If they spit up in the night and it gets a bit wet, just flip the mattress and deal with the next day.

If you have a c section, put a sanitary towel across the wound. It will keep it clean and dry it out/help it heal. It will also make it easier for you to see any discharge or signs of infection.

A clip on coffee cup holder on your buggy is one of the most important purchases that you can make.

Don't wait until the last minute in labour before asking for an epidural. If you need one, then make sure that you let them know in plenty of time.

Buy spatone iron supplement in advance for after birth.

After you have given birth you will still look and feel pregnant.

After you have given birth you will have a nice long period/bleeding that will last for a few weeks, just to cheer you up. It's usual to also pass clots in the first few days. If they are bigger than 50p, talk to your midwife.

After you have given birth you will do the biggest wee of your life. You will also sweat like a pig at night for a few days. Everything leaks.

If you have a c section, you may well have terrible constipation.

If you are on any prescription drugs, sort them out in advance. The hospital might be able to obtain them for you if you run out.

Stock up your freezer with ready meals in advance (Cook is your friend). Also buy lots of snacks (ideally healthy) and have a glass of water close at hand if feeding.

Accept that some nights you won't sleep. Embrace those nights and switch the tv on. Enjoy a good series instead.

Rest up and recover completely in the first few weeks after birth. Fill up your freezer from now with some meals that you like that can be frozen.
When you have visitors, let someone else get the tea and snacks or they can do it themselves

When you feel recovered, get out every day if you can. Join baby groups, go to places you want to go and just take baby with you. Meet your friends, make new ones.

No one ever looks back on the newborn phase and thinks "I wish I had cuddled them less"

Ignore all the bullshit about breast vs bottle. As my Health Visitor said "at their first day of school, GSCE results day, uni open days you will not give a stuff what went in their gob when they were a baby" . Likewise the neo-natal nurse (we were back in hospital as jaundice setting in/breast feeding not work) "Just love and feed your baby. It really doesn't matter if it is breast or bottle."

Enjoy it.

Be very careful of the language around birth and terms like "less intervention, doing it naturally" and so on.

Birth has become medicalised for a very very good reason. Babies and mother's died.

When it comes to birth we are animals perpetuating the human race. Many sheep get stuck lambs and need help. Don't be worried or think twice about intervention.

First time I had a so called classic birth being massaged with oils and so on... Very short established labour.
Text book perfect no stitches. But that was my animal body side. My thinking spiritual me, was traumatised.

I still found it horrific and spoke to a consultant who specialises in Birth trauma who laughed at the idea of oils in labour.

When I innocently said I was in too much pain.

She oked an elc which was brilliant for baby 2.

I did nct classes for baby 2 abd again this idea that candles and oils are the key to a good birth to release oxytocin appalled me.

If I baby is back to back or turned or has a cord around it's neck no amount of good hormones will help you.

My friend lost her baby.

Things may have changed since mine were babies approx 10 years ago but I bottle fed didn't even think about breastfeeding as it made me feel like a goat and I never had one bit of guilt. Infacol takes 5 days to work! If you think they have wind or constipation move their legs in a cycling motion. The advice was to also feed every 4 hours with bottle. Clean under their neck it can get so sore from the milk leaking under it

...Oh and don't let anyone near them with coldsores dont let them kiss the hand the cheek norhing

The advice upthread about sleep when baby sleeps is good particularly in the early days.

Not so much for a first baby but we found on our second it helped if we split the routines i..e my wife would wake at 5:30 to feed the younger one and then go back to sleep. I would stay asleep until 6:30 or so and then get up to deal with the older one when he awoke. Was helpful for a few months

Oh I was this parent! I bought a parenting book that covers the first year. It was brilliant can't remember was it was called.
I adored bottle feeding so try and not let society pressure you into doing something you don't want either breast feeding or bottle feeding or sleeping training or not etc

I am a child psychologist
It's virtually impossible to put a baby down to sleep. They sleep better on you. This is because for almost all of human history, a baby left alone to go to sleep would be severely in danger of being eaten by a prey animal. They are designed to seek closeness to a human and be distressed when alone. Accept this and then, if necessary, do a gentle sleep training when baby is over six months old. Use a sling and get used to transfers. A rocking seat, bouncy seat, or rocking crib helps.

Babies often feed more often than every 4 hours, they will almost certainly do so if breastfed. Cluster feeding is a thing; you will have nights where they scream constantly to be fed.

Babies can't tell the time. They don't know if it's 1am, 3am or 6:30am. You need to show them the difference by your behaviour. Keep lights and voices low in the "night" and be purposeful, breezy, chatty in the "day", open curtains etc.

A routine is useful after about 3 months because it allows you to establish earlier sleep. If you do bath, singing/story, bottle, bed, you can start that routine with baby in bed at 11pm and move the elements forward 15 min each night to a point where bath is at 6:15, and they are in bed by 7.

If you end up cosleeping (it's not advised, but many many people do it including me - again, it would have been typical in ancient human society, it's the beds we use that make it unsafe) make it as safe as possible. adult duvets low on bed and tucked in bed base. Baby in sleeping bag on top of duvet (which should be low, no higher than their legs). No pillows near baby. Never cosleep after alcohol or drugs. Baby not at edge of bed. Never, ever cosleep or fall asleep on a sofa.

Babies cannot be spoilt. They never hate their caregivers. They cry because it is their only form of communication, not because you are doing it wrong and they are angry or upset. The first couple of years are about trying hard to give your baby a secure base and to meet their needs. You are going to be their anchor. There is plenty of time to build their boats so they can go off and be independent. Babyhood is not that time. In babyhood, babies need to be held, sang to, cuddled, interacted with, loved. No cleaning, no phone notification, no TV series is more important than teaching your baby you are there for them and they can rely on you to try to help if they (baby) have a problem. That sets children up for life and provides the pattern for their future relationships. That's really all you have to do - love your baby and respond when they are upset.

Don't have any expectations.

Putting baby down awake to self soothe is a lovely idea but not all babies play by those perfect ideas. I've had 2 (currently enjoying a sleeping, post feed, cuddle with no2), neither would be put down awake to settle. No2 is only 3 weeks old and can be put down once asleep, but when tired and needs to get to sleep, will scream his lungs out, hoarse cries, and no way would self soothe and settle. No1 was worse.

Sleepy cuddles are amazing. Enjoy them.

If you get something like a perfect prep machine, clean inside regularly. Those things develop mould inside.

Accept help if you have it. DP / DH, mine is brilliant supporting me, not only helping with the baby but making sure I'm fed and hydrated too. That bit is much harder for me to manage when he's at work.

If you have any kind of difficult birth, need stitches etc, don't push yourself too much. I'm a pain for coping and trying not to bother dh. Knowing if I let him sleep he functions better and I cope better with less sleep than him. But I popped a stitch coping instead of calling him to help. Fortunately all was OK as it was a few days they'd done what they needed to already.

Don't get hung up on milestones and developing, when they "should" be doing things. Babies are individuals, they'll develop when they're ready.

Sleep deprivation can make you feel depressed and hopeless. Be prepared.
Caring for a baby is exhausting at times but the practicalities are pretty simple. You don't need most of the gubbins marketed to new parents.

Most of it is easy and doesn’t require the “stuff” people buy. Make sure you know how to sterilise bottles and have a routine for doing it and get the formula that is easy to buy in your local supermarkets. Everyone has highlighted that bf is actually easier but I presume there’s a sensible reason you want to bottle feed so do it calmly. Read all the instructions now and make sure you know about different types of teat for different ages etc. Only get a few little bottle’s because the bigger ones are used for ages. Think about if you want to bf colostrum in the first days because it will help the baby enormously (and also help shrink your womb back after birth). You can still exclusively bottle feed afterwards.

You don’t need to not cuddle the baby, in fact that’s a crazy idea. Hold it as much as you can and keep it as close as you can when sleeping.