Thought it would be so much easier at this stage ..

[Dontknowhowtodealwiththis1]

I don’t know where to start with this. I have no one to talk to so I hope someone could have some words of encouragement or maybe I just need to vent..I just really want things to get easier .
We have three dcs , all boys , to say they are high energy is a massive understatement… when they were small as soon as they could walk they bolted , if their buggy stopped moving they’d scream , two were absolutely appalling sleepers for years…... It was very tough as although I thankfully have an amazing dh I had /have absolutely no support from family, even with my first who was relatively easy and obviously just one child . I always thought once they sleep through and are out of the toddler stage it’ll all be so so much easier and yes it is in a way with sleep etc but their energy levels are still off the scale.
They are actually 12, 9 and 7 so a lot older but literally still bouncing off the walls , they do plenty of sport as we obviously we realise they need to burn off loads of energy . I’m not remotely into the stereotype of boys will be boys etc and I have from the word go been into art and crafts and reading (I’m massively into these myself ), they like some of it but most of the time the aren’t really interested…. I’ve brought them to the library since they were babies but they have v little interest in reading or books (they don’t have loads of screen time) .
I just feel overwhelmed and down a lot recently, I’m quite introverted too. My dh takes them out loads and goes camping , surfing etc etc but absolutely nothing tires them out whatsoever. We have lovely weather here and honestly they regularly surf or body board for hours and can jump on the trampoline and around after for hours, nothing tires them out.
We actually travel quite a bit as have family from all over and it doesn’t make any difference in terms of the level of activity, late bed- they are all up at the crack of dawn every morning. I’ve never once had to wake them up and I get up early . They are extremely loud also. We are v v firm , consistent if they are behaving too wildly , absolutely follow through on any consequences but nothing seems to work . They are also now highly argumentative with us and each other. It’s so so wearing . I feel stressed a lot as I’m actually quite a quiet person . I’ve thought that maybe they are over tired or over stimulated but it doesn’t make any difference and is far worse if we try “chill out at home days”. I’ve thought about adhd but they are absolutely find in school and can easily sit and do school for long periods (but do have some struggles with academia) .
The thing is they are extremely popular in school, v v v quiet in school, I get constantly told how well behaved from teachers they are, never once been in trouble any of them and they are constantly invited to parties and other peoples houses. Frequently they are described as being an absolute pleasure and so polite and easygoing.
It’s v v v much a case of street angels , house devils . I absolutely adore them and my dh and I do swap over but we never ever get a break for ourselves (our family’s are both extremely hands off , always have been even with one child and I guess now one wants to mind high energy kids) .
In the house the frequency play fight which we break up of course as it ends in tears . We spend lots of one to one time with each of them as we know this is important. We try to mirror calm behaviour. We are v careful with their diet etc etc . They just seem so so manic at home but outside their behaviour is exceptional. It’s such a contrast . Although they are more physical than most kids in terms of running , climbing etc. I know a lot of the traits are positive and I definitely think maybe the fact they are in school is prob not helping with the lack of burning off energy and the weather is bad now. It’s the almost constant agitation , noise and now it’s louder and more physical than ever that we both struggle with . We are both working a lot and in fairness are burnt out . I’m just so disappointed I don’t find the “golden years” easy. I work with teenagers (ironically in what the uk call pru , so something like that ) some I’m acutely aware that it’s probably going to get harder.
I love them with all my heart but i don’t know why I’m struggling so much , I never hear others talk about it , all my friends have tiny kids so keep banging on about it getting easier …

Sorry it was so long , just a vent I guess

I don't have much advice OP but I would say I can imagine that 3 boys is a big thing and that you are doing a great job.

Just hold in there and look forward to the day you'll have 3 great fun grown up lads to have a laugh with.

Can you get them into gaming? Might give you a bit of a break. Do you have space for their own chill out gaming/play room so at least you and DH could have a bit of time in the evening when they're in a different room.

Is there an element of egging each other on? Do they do activities separately?

That sounds really tough OP. Can you outsource some of the work? Get a manny to take them swimming / body boarding etc?

The older 2 are old enough to understand that there are times when they need to be quiet inside the house. It's not right that you are turning yourself inside out to entertain them and keep them occupied at that age.
You know that they get a lot of exercise, both formal and free play, so you would not be unreasonable to tell them clearly that the noise levels are unacceptable, and that consequences will flow if they can't pipe down when they are inside. I'm sure you have a range of activities for them to do indoors, but even if you haven't, they need to be able to occupy themselves. You say there is no problem with them behaving at school, so this behaviour at home is a choice, and they need to practice making better choices.
I've got 3 boys too, though mine were not particularly active, which has its own problems. But if they were bored or fighting, they'd be told to do something useful with the excess energy, eg mop the kitchen floor, hoover the stairs or hang out the washing.
I saw that a poster has suggested encouraging them to game - I would avoid that for as long as you can. Maybe something like Lego or Warhammer?

I have 1 almost 5 year old boy like this - I cannot imagine the noise in your home. We actually went as far as assessments (nhs) but apparently he's neurotypical. We have kitted out the flat with crash mats, rocker chairs, wobble boards, etc. It gets messy but the sound is absorbed somewhat at least. Do you have a garden?

It sounds sexist but our younger girl is not like this at all. She does love to play with him, but she also begs for books, stories, colouring, role play with dolls/stuffies. She will actually sit next to me on the sofa and snuggle.

2 live wires I think would have had me constantly on edge, much less 3...

I'm not a huge fan of screen time, but I actually think you need to chuck some screens at the older ones, at least. You do plenty of other stuff. Screens are not the devil's work, and may give you a breather.

They definitely egg each other on , they do all their activities separately as they are in different groups. They each have a great group of friends and honestly are regularly invited to friends houses so I know they behave well as I’ve been told so so often and the fact that they are always asked around .
We honestly are v firm re bad behaviour and we absolutely do what is suggested which is what I always thought would work -consequences for rough play when they hurt each other or for being way too boisterous /loud and we are v v consistent, it works but very briefly and so it feels like it’s constant punishment. It feels as though it’s beyond them , the oldest is actually a lot calmer but it’s the younger two and my 9 year old is extremely challenging anyway at home.
They are also very very argumentative so when given a job always, always resist ; “he got an easier job then me “ “ I don’t want to “ etc etc, I’m totally consistent but it’s a constant battle , my 9 year old has always been tricky but he’d literally argue with the wall . It’s v v v wearing . I actually find it so hard as I really feel we are putting in and doing the stuff we should but absolutely not seeing the results .
We obviously also praise a lot and encourage etc . I think it’s such a vicious cycle now as I feel so uptight and worn down that I can’t be relaxed . I’m actually weirdly super efficient at work as I honestly believe I’m full of basically nervous energy as I feel I’m on the edge at home a lot so obviously at home they could pick up on that and around we go. My dh is a absolutely brilliant with them but he looks absolutely exhausted too as we both have quite full on jobs although I’m working part-time as childcare is extremely thin on the ground where we are so work but also doing all childcare. And work does have extra admin etc .
Honestly babysitters and childminders are rare here , many people here don’t want to do this work , we even struggle to get someone when they are all in bed as there’s just no babysitting websites where we live etc. They do like video games but honestly we have to keep this at a minimum as it doesn’t help behaviour so that’s limited, yes we’d get a break but absolutely can’t have them on for hours.
I really appreciate people taking the time to respond. I just feel like it isn’t easier at all tbh , actually I find car journeys an absolute nightmare now they are older tbh so travelling was actually easier with babies and toddlers . They do spend time away from each other and that helps a bit .

Have you got a garden, and any big tiring jobs to do in it? My 7 and 3 year olds (also boys) will happily spend hours helping my dad whenever he needs to dig up the garden. (The 7 year old is actually helpful, the 3 year old not so much!)

There are positives to it too, my 7 year old got to the top of an alp two autumns ago, we all thought we'd end up giving him piggy backs but he happily skipped up the whole thing. They are also confident at soft play type places, I never need to go rescue them from the middle of a play frame.

(I'm a bid sad DS1 doesn't much enjoy reading though, he can read well for his age but he says it's boring.)

(Just realised I used happily twice and made them sound like they are happy all the time...they have plenty of grumpy moments when I make them do unreasonable things like homework or take a bath)

If they don't like reading could you try audio books? My 8 year old will happily listen to Harry Potter for an hour or so. What about educational screen time? Said 8 year old watches endless science videos about space and chemical reactions and physics. It doesn't have to be mindless screens or games. There are plenty of games you can do using your body or brain.

We cut gluten out of our boys diet and it has calmed them down somewhat.

Every start of term we reset the house rules, the boys write them out themselves. Previously we had a reward chart based on these rules that would result in a treat at the end of term. Long goals to work for, all based on how helpful they'd been, etc. I haven't done that for a while as their behaviour is overall better.

Solidarity though. I also work with other children and it's exhausting to parent when you're drained from work.

Could you draw up a rota for chores? That way the argument isn't 'You've given me this to do....' it's 'The rota says it's your turn.'

Thanks so much for the responses, they do help with garden jobs etc (my 9 year old is actually brilliant with physical jobs like that ) buuuut it’s changing as they get older tbh..they were more enthusiastic when smaller ..
We do have a rota but they still argue to death every.single.time.even with them choosing what they’ll do. They listen to audio books but at home they just wouldn’t sit and listen . I read to them every night individually as they all love this and I think it’s a really good thing to do but even if they are grounded in their room (which they have been occasionally for v rough behaviour) they’d rarely pick up a books (they have piles in their rooms), they’d prefer to kick a sock around as a ball.
I honestly do adore them and they are wonderful boys but my energy levels don’t match whatsoever and tbh even when younger i wouldn’t have the same energy .
I just feel a bit shit about it all tbh and it can be such a contract (not with their friends ) but with relatives kids that I sometimes feel self conscious, btw this is with them at an event playing separately away from people, not rough but maybe like football and they are always like “wow, they have so so much energy “. Honestly my sil kids are younger and barely move in comparison and I just feel that in society this is “better” or seen as “better”

Gluten is interesting, we actually tried this before with one child as he literally never slept , it didn’t work re sleep or behaviour and it was so so tricky as they and we love food and I find gluten free pasta and bread awful tbh . But it may be worth relooking into , thanks

Thanks @ZoChan yes it’s a full on job too

I think it's how healthy boys are. Our kids are super healthy and therefore they're energetic. If we fed them crap, then they'd be more docile and "better behaved" because they'd be happy to just sit and watch screens. It is hard this way, but you're not the only one!!

The gluten pasta really isn't bad now, just needs cooking for less time. Bread wise, try the schar frozen rolls or a tiger loaf, they're the best we've found.

@Blessedbethefruitz thank you so much , this is exactly it tbh . I never bought into the stereotype boy stuff at all and I certainly don’t lump them in together as “boys all the same”. I spent so much time doing art , they do love cooking and baking as they love food (they burn so much energy so are always hungry ) but the fact is they are all extremely physical and massive live wires and I do feel on edge tbh , a lot …. And that makes me feel shit as I don’t want them to think I don’t love them , I’m just very different I guess.

Thanks @ZoChan , do you use it because of behaviour or allergies ?

Actually it sounds like at least one of them might be having a hard time regulating. Sometimes being on the go all the time keeps them at such a high level of stimulation that they can’t relax and unwind.
I think screen time is definitely worth exploring, obviously within limits, but it might help one of them switch off a bit.
I also think you can back off a bit and let them sort themselves out. So what if fighting ends in tears, as long as it isn’t one picking on the other all the time then let them sort it out between them. Don’t get drawn into arguments about their jobs, be very boring.. this is your job and it needs to be done, repeat ad infinitum.
Them can look after themselves for an hour, tell them to go away.
I have three dc age 9, 13 and 16.

I think you’re right @ZoChan , a gp said that exact thing to me before . I guess I just find it so exhausting. They’ve been like this since being in the womb. I just have a relative with v v docile dcs and there’s comments here and there and it makes me feel self conscious or something we are doing wrong but like I said they moved constantly from the beginning

My husband first decided to cut out gluten because he'd never had healthy bowels. We realised our youngest was the same and when both boys went gluten free, the eldest became less manic and more focused. Still have their moments but they are much calmer than they used to be. They have also matured a bit (10 and 7) but still in the throes.

Don't forget at seven and eleven, boys have hormone surges - I definitely noticed the seven year old change!