Thought it would be so much easier at this stage ..

[Dontknowhowtodealwiththis1]

I don’t know where to start with this. I have no one to talk to so I hope someone could have some words of encouragement or maybe I just need to vent..I just really want things to get easier .
We have three dcs , all boys , to say they are high energy is a massive understatement… when they were small as soon as they could walk they bolted , if their buggy stopped moving they’d scream , two were absolutely appalling sleepers for years…... It was very tough as although I thankfully have an amazing dh I had /have absolutely no support from family, even with my first who was relatively easy and obviously just one child . I always thought once they sleep through and are out of the toddler stage it’ll all be so so much easier and yes it is in a way with sleep etc but their energy levels are still off the scale.
They are actually 12, 9 and 7 so a lot older but literally still bouncing off the walls , they do plenty of sport as we obviously we realise they need to burn off loads of energy . I’m not remotely into the stereotype of boys will be boys etc and I have from the word go been into art and crafts and reading (I’m massively into these myself ), they like some of it but most of the time the aren’t really interested…. I’ve brought them to the library since they were babies but they have v little interest in reading or books (they don’t have loads of screen time) .
I just feel overwhelmed and down a lot recently, I’m quite introverted too. My dh takes them out loads and goes camping , surfing etc etc but absolutely nothing tires them out whatsoever. We have lovely weather here and honestly they regularly surf or body board for hours and can jump on the trampoline and around after for hours, nothing tires them out.
We actually travel quite a bit as have family from all over and it doesn’t make any difference in terms of the level of activity, late bed- they are all up at the crack of dawn every morning. I’ve never once had to wake them up and I get up early . They are extremely loud also. We are v v firm , consistent if they are behaving too wildly , absolutely follow through on any consequences but nothing seems to work . They are also now highly argumentative with us and each other. It’s so so wearing . I feel stressed a lot as I’m actually quite a quiet person . I’ve thought that maybe they are over tired or over stimulated but it doesn’t make any difference and is far worse if we try “chill out at home days”. I’ve thought about adhd but they are absolutely find in school and can easily sit and do school for long periods (but do have some struggles with academia) .
The thing is they are extremely popular in school, v v v quiet in school, I get constantly told how well behaved from teachers they are, never once been in trouble any of them and they are constantly invited to parties and other peoples houses. Frequently they are described as being an absolute pleasure and so polite and easygoing.
It’s v v v much a case of street angels , house devils . I absolutely adore them and my dh and I do swap over but we never ever get a break for ourselves (our family’s are both extremely hands off , always have been even with one child and I guess now one wants to mind high energy kids) .
In the house the frequency play fight which we break up of course as it ends in tears . We spend lots of one to one time with each of them as we know this is important. We try to mirror calm behaviour. We are v careful with their diet etc etc . They just seem so so manic at home but outside their behaviour is exceptional. It’s such a contrast . Although they are more physical than most kids in terms of running , climbing etc. I know a lot of the traits are positive and I definitely think maybe the fact they are in school is prob not helping with the lack of burning off energy and the weather is bad now. It’s the almost constant agitation , noise and now it’s louder and more physical than ever that we both struggle with . We are both working a lot and in fairness are burnt out . I’m just so disappointed I don’t find the “golden years” easy. I work with teenagers (ironically in what the uk call pru , so something like that ) some I’m acutely aware that it’s probably going to get harder.
I love them with all my heart but i don’t know why I’m struggling so much , I never hear others talk about it , all my friends have tiny kids so keep banging on about it getting easier …

Everytime they argue they get another chore added to their list.

@Elisheva my 9 year old absolutely does , I think he finds it hard to relax and he does love tv and video games but I’d feel bad if they were on it too long but maybe I need to chill about it . Although I did during the holidays and it was all the 9 year old wanted to do so had to stop it and limit it again. He loves baths and I often make one for him. I don’t want to focus on one but he’s definitely the instigator and just finds it hard to play alone (insane amount of Lego which they love ). The older one is v v v preteen so lots of moods etc

Oh yes the perfect cousin comparison is hard!!! Especially because we work with kids, we expect to have perfectly behaved children of our own!! I took my Minded children and my two to the library today. The toddlers behaved better than mine did! So embarrassing. But ultimately I got complimented on their manners and politeness even though they were loud and annoying (maybe it's just me who finds them annoying!!)

I have done this though - this half-term holiday I had a couple of hours with each child by ourselves as a little date. We went for gf cake and a walk and talked... and we felt more connected. Something I want to try and do more of

They just sound like normal boys tbh, I'm not sure there's anything different you can do op as you sound like good parents.

My brother was like this, he was full on all the time, didn't need much sleep, loved sports and did loads of exercise. I'm trying to imagine him x 3 🤪

I think most people would feel completely frazzled op, three energetic boys is a lot!

I wonder on the jobs thing if it would help to make them “bid” on the jobs. What I mean is you have tried being fair and creating a turn taking system but that hasn’t worked. You could try posting the jobs and having them bid on them based on scores of reliability, efficiency, lack of whining. Then there is an element of competition and scarcity.

For example the one who has finished his chore without whining, in a timely snd efficient manner, gets first pick of chores next week. System resets every week. So its not you deciding who gets which chore. Its the system.

Get a dog. Honestly one of the best suggestions I was given for mine who are similar. Keeps them entertained for hours, promotes responsibility etc.

I thought NOTHING would tire them out but a boisterous lab has worked wonders and given me my house back in the summer as they are all outside from morning to night!

In my experience (and this is only my experience) they over use screens at first because of the novelty and because they’ve not been allowed them. They need to learn how to regulate themselves, if you do it for them by telling them what to do and when they’ll never learn, and you don’t meet their needs because you won’t be telling them at the right time iyswim.
My most manic was on his PC from 8am - 10, then he went to the shops and then played table tennis, he watched a screen from 1:30-2:30 then he went to a friends house. He’ll come home about 8 and probably play a game on one of his devices until 9 when it’s supper time, he’ll then watch something until bedtime at 10. Obviously it’s half term, but actually I think that’s quite a balanced day.

Also they have the same chores all the time, daily and weekly, so there’s no discussion each week about who does what.

Slightly different perspective here but sounds like they are having an amazing childhood. Each has two brothers to play with, lots of clubs and camps, a mum and dad that takes them camping surfing, includes them in physical jobs (empowering them) - nice garden, trampoline etc. That is the kind of childhood dreams are made of - they will look back on it so fondly and should be independent, rounded adults as a result. So many preteen/teens these days are zombies to TikTok social media etc so feel feel proud your boys aren’t. I know that doesn’t help with your exhaustion but let the bickering teach them conflict resolution - give them that independence - on repeat “sort it out amongst yourselves” only get involved when behaviour becomes too physical. Literally remove yourself - take up running/cycling if you need to or take off to somewhere to read. I think lots of boys are just built to be physical and remember you’re there to teach methods for conflict resolution - not resolve every conflict 🤷‍♀️

I really appreciate these replies ! They actually brought a tear to my eye . I mean I caught sight of myself before work there and I look like golim with long hair …. But hopefully they might settle down at some stage ..😬

They sound fantastic and you both sound like wonderful parents.
I actually think they will get easier as teens for you - because you’ve put the work in on boundaries and they have proved they can behave impeccably outside the home. They are just going to take on more responsibility for their own activities. They’ll be the teenage boys working as lifeguards or doing Duke of Ed hiking trips or teaching cub scouts to rock climb.
You don’t have to keep up with them really. You just need to keep setting safe limits and encouraging age-appropriate independence.
I actually think embracing the ´boys will be boys’ thing might help you. Not in the sense that boys should get away with bad behavior. Nor in the sense that all boys must be sporty daredevils or they aren’t masculine enough. No. But yes, many children, as more frequently boys, are little dynamos with boundless energy that needs positive direction.
It’s really not a bad thing. Tiring for you, yes. But it sounds like you should be proud of them.

Love this. I'm taking it as if you said it to me 😂🥰

Thanks so much for all the replies , extremely helpful . I am v proud of them and absolutely adore and love them .
I think it’s just I had pre-conceived notions of how kids should be when older and I always thought the primary years would be the easiest but tbh we are now working so much more. We went from 3 small dcs , sleep deprived, house renovations to straight back at work while juggling afterschool care etc (like lots of people ). So the whole it’s so much easier when they are in primary is lost on me a bit.
And it’s all very high octane all the time which really isn’t my natural state at all. I also feel I’ve spent years batting off comments re “they are so busy “ ,” wow so much energy “, it’s just gotten old tbh ..
I am fitter than I was though so silver lining! But will focus on the positives going forward and thanks again.

Thank you @Belltentdreamer , that’s such a nice thing to say and I hope so . Hope they don’t remember me being a big stress head !

Op I have a boy and a girl. Ds is 15 now but when he was younger he was like this. Bouncing off the walls. I took him to the park every single day rain or shine...even Christmas day. I can only imagine how energetic he'd have been with two brothers. My dd is so different. Would sit quietly and play with her dolls house or do some colouring. I had a playdate with three boys who were friends with ds...I genuinely thought my ceiling was going to collapse as they rampaged through the house

Would more responsibility with chores help?
for example could you sit them down and give the three of them the weeks/weekend’s menu to plan.
sort their shopping list, walk to the supermarket/market/butchers etc to get the stuff. Then take responsibility for preparing it, clearing up
and so on.
might not work every day but I’d certainly do it a few days a week and maybe a trial run of a Monday-Friday over half term if yours is the coming week.
want flapjacks/muffins/granola bars? Get your list, off you go!
i feel for you, mine are 5&3 and wild, though my heart sank when you are still manic at your older ages a little.

sounds like they are having a wonderful childhood though and loads of activity

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job with them.

I think we do have odd ideas that parenting is easier as children grow up. I definitely just found it different as they get older, not actually easier.

If anything during the middle teenage years they get more annoying, which I think prepares you for them leaving home. As adults mine are lovely and much less annoying.

Hi OP, I just wanted to praise you as it sounds like you are doing exactly the right things to be ok top of these behaviours. I have 2 boys and a girl (but people always think I have 3 boys as my girl was extremely high energy, tomboyish etc). I relate to so much of what you describe, but I also want to say that you sound like you’re much more on it than we were! I look back and cringe and think we could really have been more consistent, but with 3 under 4 we let things slide. I’ve since found out my DD is neurodiverse which explains a lot (not saying yours are, just part of our story). And the positive part is that they are 15, 17th and 19 and all really pleasant and mostly calm. I can really see how you’d hope things would have settled by now, but please do have faith that you sound to be doing your absolute best. I realise now my kids were higher energy than most people’s, but as they became teenagers they focused that energy more either into sports or academic pursuits. Good luck!

I just lost a long reply I’d written because my battery died and I’m sorry OP, I can’t face writing it again but the gist of it was - you can’t pour from an empty cup. It sounds like your boys are fab, but if you feel burnt out, that’s where I think you should look to focus your efforts, not the parenting (it sounds like you’re nailing that!)

Try to build yourself back up in the the form of good self-care (early nights, exercise, book babysitter to go for a long walk alone/read a book in a coffee shop, go for a massage, meditate, whatever works for you) so you feel better able to deal with their energy, and I think your perspective might change a bit.

Also, this sounds weird, but does the sound feel worse in line with your periods? I found this out from someone I follow on instagram - Anna Mathur - and it really helped me, as I now give myself permission to walk away from the sound that feels most stressful, as I’ve realised it’s worse at that point in the month. Could be worth considering!

My neighbour has there boys and they're basically their own little gang. It's the third child that makes the difference.

It must be really tiring op, you're doing a great job

I think some children are just higher energy. I’ve been worried one of mine has got adhd for some time but her teachers look at me like I’m mad as she’s so well behaved at school. I think a lot of children are angels at school and then save their worst for home.

She had been an emotional wreck leading up to this half term. Very manic, lots of strops, melting down at the touch of a button. She has always been a child that needs exercise but also really craves social attention- she’s extremely creative and her play is incredibly messy. My other one is much more docile and quiet (but has her moments). 3 children like my first would be knackering so I can see why you’re having a tough time,

I'm so sorry I don't have any real words of wisdom. I can only guess what I'd do in this case and it'd be divide and conquer that force field .
I just wanted to say how bloody fucking fabulous you sound as a Mum.
You and you partner have put so much thought, effort , time and strategies in place. Ive worked with parents and children for over 30 years and you sound amazing parents.

I think you sound burnt out a bit and you know that.
Could you split up / spot each other more for weekend break for you(adults) separately or with 1 child.?
You are fantastic. Try and find small joys ❣️❣️❣️

Your boys sound fab and you are a great mum. I teach this age and they sound typical of the boys I teach who aren’t given endless screens or junk food. I think that’s just how young boys (and some girls) are! I understand that it’s a huge amount of work and energy though, so make sure you take care of yourself! Your DH sounds amazing, so keep leaning on him when you need a break.

My colleague has 3 boys of similar ages to yours, and she’s just accepted that they are the ‘active family’. Weekend hiking trips, camping, sports etc. She’s an introverted homebody, so sometimes she just gets her DH to take him while she chills at home with a book. But she’s also embraced it and I love hearing about her incredible hikes in the mountains or fishing adventures.

Embrace the noise and the chaos. I have three boys in three consecutive school years and it turned our world and our home upside down. Yes, it was exhausting (We wanted four but three so tiny meant we never had more than a couple of hours alone together so that ruled that out!) and I looked like an exhausted bag lady for a loooonggggg time and we similarly invested a fortune in adventure pursuits and holidays designed to ‘wear them out’ so we could have some respite, but they are teens now and the house is eerily quiet and dare we say, we actually miss it. We look back and say we wish we had had a little more sleep to be able to enjoy those days more, but it’s like the song says, you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone…the good news is, they are thick as thieves and the absolute best of friends and it sounds as though yours will be the same 😃

Oh and if you haven’t already, teach them to cook. It really worked wonders with ours - when they get too much we let them loose in Sainsbury’s and then the kitchen to create something. It was v messy to begin with, but it pays dividends regularly now as we can literally leave them to it and they’ll rustle up dinner from scratch whilst we relax!