Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Introversion and joy of missing out

63 replies

JOMOnow · 26/10/2023 21:29

I'm late 40s and for years I did things/ attended events because I felt I should, or tried to be 'friends' with lots of people. However, I now realise I've always been introverted, am very happy in my own company, prefer to keep my social circle/friendship group small and that there's nothing wrong with sometimes just wanting to stay home and read my book.

Now, when I hear of big social gatherings or people I know who have hectic social lives and are always busy, I'm so glad I'm now comfortable with who I am. Don't get me wrong, I still socialise and have good friends and have a hobby that involves a group activity, but I know my limits and don't feel that pressure any more.

Anyone else relate to this?

OP posts:
Lavenderosa · 26/10/2023 21:37

Totally! Before I retired I had a very hectic life and that continued for a while after as I always seemed to be out and about. I've realised I like my own company and pottering about at home/in the garden. I only go out to do things I really want to with my family and closest friends and won't be pressurised into 'joining in' with something that doesn't inspire or entertain me. I'm at my happiest when I look in my diary and see a whole week with no engagements or appointments - bliss!

vincettenoir · 26/10/2023 21:39

I don’t completely relate as I like a party.

BUT lockdown really demonstrated to me how happy I can be in with a more stripped down life. Most of the time I am happy with simple things in life like reading, walking, yoga and early nights.

AltheaVestr1t · 26/10/2023 21:40

Absolutely! One of the most important discoveries of my 40s is that it's ok not to do things if you don't want to. It isn't weird, you don't need to feel guilty or ashamed. If you would rather stay at home and read a nice book, then you should do exactly that!

itsmyp4rty · 26/10/2023 21:41

Yes. The amount of effort I put in to being a social person when I was young - mostly enabled by alcohol. Now I have one good friend that I see every week, get on well with the people I work with - and I don't need much more than that.

Original poster
JOMOnow · 26/10/2023 21:41

vincettenoir · 26/10/2023 21:39

I don’t completely relate as I like a party.

BUT lockdown really demonstrated to me how happy I can be in with a more stripped down life. Most of the time I am happy with simple things in life like reading, walking, yoga and early nights.

Reading, walking and yoga are things I like to do too!

OP posts:
40andlovelife · 26/10/2023 21:45

Yes I've always been an introvert. I've attended so many events and parties because I felt I had to. Then in my mid 30's I thought ' f...k it' and stopped attending ones that I didn't want to, even when it was a party being thrown by a family member. I read a small article recently about how being an introvert/ extrovert is actually as a result of your nervous system and brain chemistry. I would love to read deeper in to it though

silentpool · 26/10/2023 21:48

I love having a simple life. I feel like I get enough stimulation and interaction with people during my 3 days in the office a week. After that, I'm happy to do a lot less. I do see people and have social activities but it tends to be less often and in smaller groups.

Lottapianos · 26/10/2023 21:56

'One of the most important discoveries of my 40s is that it's ok not to do things if you don't want to'

Absolutely right

An email came round at work a few weeks ago about possible options for the Christmas do. I have done A LOT of work on myself (people pleaser in recovery!) and I know to respond swiftly and politely. So I replied to the organiser saying that this one wasn't for me, but thanks so much for the invite and hope you have a lovely time

Well the event has been organised and it's my idea of pure unvarnished hell. I spent a whole day feeling smug and proud of myself for saying a polite no upfront, and not having to give it any more thought. And I can't wait to not go!

MorrisZapp · 26/10/2023 22:17

Welcome to middle age! I think we pretty much all feel like this. I have a very dear friend who arrived unexpectedly in town last week, my unguarded first thought was shit, now I have to go out and meet her.

I simply... can't be arsed any more.

Paradiseflycatcher · 26/10/2023 22:23

Oh god yes. I relish the fact that it is the work Christmas party in a few weeks and I feel completely comfortable with not going. I made myself go a few times in my thirties, hated it, then stopped going but worried a little that it was somehow 'bad form ' not to go but now I could not give two hoots!
I'm very selective about my socialising, I know what I like - small groups or one to one socialising, chilled low stress environments, and to hell with the rest of it.

BookWorm45 · 26/10/2023 22:49

Me too! The bliss of not having to go to a big event...

ALongHardWinter · 26/10/2023 23:41

That is me totally! It took me until I was about 56 (I've just turned 60) that I am often perfectly happy with my own company. I used to make an effort to socialise,always going to parties,never turning down an invitation,until I thought about it properly and realised that I wasn't actually enjoying much of it. I'm at my happiest when it's just myself and one close friend,or my DD and DGD. Only then do I feel truly happy and relaxed. No idea why it took me so long to reach this conclusion!

Mum2aTeen · 26/10/2023 23:51

Yes, in this way, I'm sort of happy I had my son young, so I didn't have to go out I've always been introverted and will flat out tell people no I can't go out for various excuses usually my son needs me at home (which isn't a lie).
I'm a couple of years younger, but as I've been like this for years (30+ years), it's just me I love my home I hate going out and socialising which thankfully for me I don't do any anyway so I basically my son's taxi then we are home like talking to my son's teachers/therapists and even my DP wears me down.
There are few people who I will socialise with mainly extended family (we have a small family, so meaning my parents/inlaws, my sister my BIL/SIL and my neice)
and one or two friends, but that's it.

Friendofdennis · 26/10/2023 23:57

Yes I love my own company. I never want people to ‘drop in ‘ ever Have always hated parties even as a young woman

WeightWhat · 27/10/2023 00:00

I think 40s ‘finding I love being home’ quite often turns into 60’s ‘isolated and lonely’.

There’s risks and benefits to saying home and just pottering.

unsync · 27/10/2023 00:25

If I have to attend large gatherings, I often need a lie down after. The effort of being sociable is just too much. I never get FOMO, lonely or feel isolated. Other people are overrated, give me an animal anyday.

GoodToBeHome · 27/10/2023 06:29

WeightWhat · 27/10/2023 00:00

I think 40s ‘finding I love being home’ quite often turns into 60’s ‘isolated and lonely’.

There’s risks and benefits to saying home and just pottering.

This.
I have colleagues in their 20's that have decided they are far too introverted to bother with other people. They are single and can't understand why they haven't found a spouse.....I pointed out the other day that Prince charming is unlikely to knock on their front door in the next couple of days!
It's each to their own of course however I am certainly not ready to give up on my social life in my 40's, I could potentially have another 40 boring, lonely years ahead of me!

Lottapianos · 27/10/2023 07:15

'I think 40s ‘finding I love being home’ quite often turns into 60’s ‘isolated and lonely’.

There’s risks and benefits to saying home and just pottering.'

This is very true. Like so much in life, it's finding a balance between not forcing yourself into events that you really can't face, but also making the effort with people who mean something to you

GarlicGrace · 27/10/2023 07:26

WeightWhat · 27/10/2023 00:00

I think 40s ‘finding I love being home’ quite often turns into 60’s ‘isolated and lonely’.

There’s risks and benefits to saying home and just pottering.

True, and it's happened to me. Not by choice, as it goes, but I did find lockdown remarkably easy because I've already cured my need for external validation and ensured I rarely get bored.

I am isolated and alone. Sometimes I'm lonely but, honestly, it's pretty rare. The main 'problem', I think, is the absurd amount of time I spend online (HELLO MUMSNET!) to fulfil the need for some kind of conversation.

Critics used to tell me, in tones of dire warning, "You'll end up all alone with only a cat for company!" They were right ... thank goodness 😂

Fulshaw · 27/10/2023 07:31

You do what makes you happy.

My only caveat is that you may find some friends drift away if you never go to anything or organise anything. This may or may not bother you but remember that you may need them one day.

Ragwort · 27/10/2023 07:35

Weight ... I guess it depends .. I am mid 60s and absolutely don't feel isolated and lonely just because I don't go to parties or 'big' social gatherings. I have a wide circle of friends I meet for coffee, lunch, days out etc. I do volunteering and belong to a Book Club and other organisations. I meet a lot of people through Church and enjoy that. But I am also happy to spend time at home on my own.

I don't accept invitations to things I know I won't enjoy ... like Christmas parties, dinner parties (esp with 'couples' ... I am married but hate socialising as a 'couple'.).
I agree with a PP who described the joy of (politely) turning down an invitation.

Potentialmadcatlady · 27/10/2023 07:40

One of the positives to come out of shielding was this! I very quickly worked out who my true friends were, what I really liked doing and what I was happiest doing… I have amazing friends who stuck by me and over lockdown made some new friends for life who really understood me. The other friends who drifted away because I couldn’t be the ‘fun friend’ for a while.. well I wish them well but I don’t miss them… my true friends and me socialise when we want, doing what we want and we understand when one of us isn’t up to it or needs quiet time..
I’m the most content and happy I have been on my life

starsandbeyond · 27/10/2023 08:27

I have found my thread. Lockdown showed me that I like being an introvert. Not 100% but I mostly prefer to be at home. I don't want to be around crowds. I don't mind going to a local quieter pub or a friends house for dinner/drinks. I also recognise that this could be a phase of my life and I cannot let my friends drift as I may decide in the future that I want to be more sociable. As a result, I find myself doing things with friends that I don't necessarily want to do, although I enjoy being with my friends.

None of my friends know I prefer quieter nights or nights at home. One of my closest friends is a huge extrovert, I think boarder line ADHD, just listening to her non-stop plans leaves me exhausted.

I do worry that I am becoming boring. I'm happy with a friday night in or quiet night in the local pub (every now and then & if I can be home reasonably early) or at home, with a nice drink, pjs/comfy clothes. Saturday is food shopping (click & collect ! the supermaket is too busy/crowded for me at the weekends) and spend the morning making the house look nice, afternoon is pottering around/chilling and maybe see family or do some baking with a film on, sunday maybe go for a walk.

Ohwhatlarks · 27/10/2023 09:29

I just don’t enjoy big group get togethers and never have really. I just prefer one to one interactions. I do not like it when there is a lot of noise it literally hurts my ears though not physically if that makes sense and I find it overwhelming. I hate feeling crowded and if there is no escape route, it’s the reason I have never been keen on flying. Last time I flew I wore noise cancelling headphones and it was so much better.

40andlovelife · 27/10/2023 09:31

I'm not one bit bothered about ' losing friends' . When I'm older ( currently mid 40's) I will just join lunch clubs ect to make new ones, it's not difficult. But I definitely won't be accepting invitations to things now, in an attempt to hold on to people . That's just me though! God even the thought of sitting in a car with my friend who often wants to travel together to an exercise class can sometimes fill me with feelings of ' ugh' . I'm a teacher and teach around 120 pupils a day , I think this has something to do with not wanting to speak to others in the evening !

Swipe left for the next trending thread