Introversion and joy of missing out

[JOMOnow]

I'm late 40s and for years I did things/ attended events because I felt I should, or tried to be 'friends' with lots of people. However, I now realise I've always been introverted, am very happy in my own company, prefer to keep my social circle/friendship group small and that there's nothing wrong with sometimes just wanting to stay home and read my book.

Now, when I hear of big social gatherings or people I know who have hectic social lives and are always busy, I'm so glad I'm now comfortable with who I am. Don't get me wrong, I still socialise and have good friends and have a hobby that involves a group activity, but I know my limits and don't feel that pressure any more.

Anyone else relate to this?

I go through stages. After lockdown I really enjoyed just staying in and pottering about the house. Just lately (for some unknown reason) I have itchy feet and want to be out and about doing things.

I think it's fine to have friendships on your own terms, but it's still important to maintain them. I tend to prefer one on one or small group stuff. There's a woman I know from a community activity we both do who is really into big gatherings. She's currently on holiday with 40 other friends, and the idea of doing that makes me feel quite queasy!

Great to know I'm not alone. As I mentioned already, I do have quite a sizeable number of friends for many years and also family, and I like to invest in them and have no intention of letting them slide! It's more keeping up with acquaintances and events that I'm not really interested in that I'm not keen on any more because it's not really me... I invest this time in long standing friends instead.

@Mummysgogetter I get itchy feet, then go out out and see it was only really FOMO. The pub is virtually empty and we are the only ones there (I like quiet but not to be the only ones in there) or full of drunken idiots. If it's crowded then I'm getting trodden on, beer spilt down my back as people edge past me, I cannot have a conversation if it's too noisy (band on etc) & the pub toilets are a disgusting filthy state. It's then I wish I was at home in my comfy clothes with a cuppa on the sofa and realise that going out out was really not all that and I am missing nothing. This happens most times. I've also wasted money on a taxi/uber and should have just stayed at home

When I was in my teens and to some extent my early 20's I really did try to force myself to go out and do things and I did enjoy some of it but I do remember being at a party at 18 drinking cheap fizzy wine thinking, I'd rather be at home with a nice cup of tea and my book and that thought never went away standing in the rain outside nightclubs or in noisy bars I'd be thinking if I leave now I could get the last bus home and be in bed in less than an hour.

In my 40's now and my favourite "going out" things to do are going to art galleries or second hand book shopping by myself, having a cup of tea and slice of cake alone in a cafe and I think those have been my favourite things to do since my early 20's.

I do have friends I adore but sadly scattered all over the country and Europe so I don't see them as often as I would like but we write which is lovely. I do have a lovely introverted husband also and a big loving family. I am not a fan of going out a lot or parties and I feel like having one engagement a month is enough for me as I do like to be at home all cosied up.

@Mummysgogetter I also think that the majority of restaurants are overpriced for what you are getting. My DH is not a chef but he likes to cook and he can make much better food than most restaurants. Restaurant food is generally mediocre as it's best, unless of course you go to a very expensive restaurant. Drinks/wine is expensive in a standard restaurant. For the price of 1 large glass of wine I could buy a bottle of wine in the supermarket. Mark-ups are ridiculous Overpriced mediocre food.

I'm glad you keep up some social interaction with friend outside work. For years my Mum said that work more than met her social needs and she didn't want to see people outside family away from work but then as she retired and saw nobody she did start to feel very lonely and isolated. I think even we introverts still need to maintain friendships that we value.

@starsandbeyond Interesting point, I have become quite a good cook over the years and I've noticed the last few times we have eaten out that the food was very expensive and not any better and in some cases worse than I would make at home. Still it is nice to go out for a meal sometimes and try something a bit different.

I think we force ourselves to do these things because to do otherwise is seen as "abnormal". It's only once we get older that we no longer care what people think.

I still do the odd social thing, I actually went to a gig this week. But it has to be something I really want to do (the gig was an artist I love). I no longer go out just for the sake of it. That doesn't appeal to me at all, even more so now with the COL being what it is. I don't want to waste money on something that's going to be just blah.

There are options of things to do and places to make friends if I feel lonely once I'm retired. It's not a reason to force myself into things I don't want to do now.

YANBU.
DH says I’m antisocial but I’ve gone to parties / events / gatherings for years due to pressure from others or because I felt I had to.
I simply can’t be bothered any more and have no problem saying ‘no’.
My home is my sanctuary and I’d rather be there than anywhere else.

Definitely not alone.

52, post menopausal and much prefer small groups to large gatherings. I like my own company, have travelled alone during my younger years and now hate noise and loud voices! I work in a SEN school and often find the days hectic and exhausting. When I get home, I zone out and talk to my house rabbits to unwind!

I would be happy doing 1 social thing a week, and ideally that would be just going to a friends house or them coming to me. As it stands, I am batting away invites left, right and centre and struggling to finds ways to say 'no'. My friends expect me to do things with them and want to know the reasons why I can't go to things. I am not going to say 'because I prefer to be at home in my quiet space' (or similar). I would rather not go out regularly and instead spend my money on a nice, worthwhile meal/restaurant which might cost a bit more money but is better than the understated food that most restaurants in my area serve up.
My friends have a lot of expectations for me to go out out. I struggle to manage and feel under huge pressure, to the point it is making me ill.

my DC are all young teens, is it boring that I like to spend my weekends making the house look nice for them, stocking up the larder for the family, baking for the family, giving the DC lifts, researching/planning nice treats & surprises for them, running the house and then enjoying our lovely house in the eves. Am I boring ? I am age 43. I also go to the gym a lot.

You could be me!
I was always sociable and busy. I found it mentally draining. The older I got (now 48) the more I realised I'm happier with a much smaller circle and enjoy my own company. It's like I suddenly found peace within myself.
I absolutely hate large group gatherings, I often wonder if this comes from me being an only child.
Work get togethers and forced fun social events honestly fill me with dread and make me anxious. I learned the art of saying 'no' to invitations i knew I'd regret at a later date if I ageed to attend.
I think being comfortable with who you really are comes easier over 40. It's a kind of peace of acceptance without feeling the need to people please anymore.

Nothing makes me happier than being at home with my dog!!!

This is so me now. I was outgoing and sociable teen/20s but now not so much. Health issues play their part but not drinking does too. I realise now that much of my youthful outgoingness was down to booze. I much prefer staying in now. And yeah, reading my book!

Yes this is me too - I'm sociable but I prefer one to one meet ups or small groups and I like one day a week when I'm not working to go off walking / reading / coffee by myself. Work Christmas parties are a no for me as would be team away days (but unfortunately they are mandatory and actually when I'm there I quite enjoy them!).

I do agree with what pp said about getting too comfortable staying in - I do agree to nights out and then wish it was cancelled but again once I'm there I enjoy it so I think I need to push myself out of my introverted comfort zone now and again.

People become self absorbed as they get older, I have found. More tiredness/health problems.

I totally understand feeling introverted and loving not having plans, but I also get a lot of happiness from seeing good friends and I’ve had enough good friends move away that I know I have to put in efforts with a pipeline of “new friends that can turn into good friends” rather than just be complacent and rely on the same 3 people, as over time they could be whittled down to no people!

This means that I’ll always have my eye on a few potential new friends, and will set up drinks etc to meet them or invite them to join something with my current group. I

’m not fully comfortable with them yet as they’re new, but I know they have the potential to be wonderful relationships so I fight through the JOMO and put the effort in.

I've always felt this way, personally. You aren't missing out on something if you don't want to do it.

I absolutely agree. I loved parties and clubs in my 20’s aided by alcohol and drugs but now I just like to meet a few friends for dinner and home by 1030 the latest, I have always needed time by myself too

I love time on my own. I have a friend who always need to be around people. I told her I went to central London and looked around the shops and had lunch by myself. I throughly enjoyed it, she replied why didn’t you tell me I would have joined you. She can’t comprehend that this is enjoyable and felt sorry for me 😆

I have declined the Christmas work party and when asked why I was honest I don’t enjoy big parties so now I don’t attend them. This has apparently upset the organisers but I don’t care anymore

Like pp it’s great reaching the age where you no longer care

Absolutely. I think lockdown helped.

I enjoy regular low-key interaction with others - by going to the office a couple of days a week, going to my weekly running club and going to the gym. If I go too long without doing something more 'formal', I'll ask a mate if they fancy meeting for a coffee/glass of wine, but I will make it last 90 mins, tops.
I also love a party or gathering.

But I need ACRES of time alone to be happy. I'm taking a few days off of work soon to repaint our kitchen units. I'll have a blissful time on my own with the dog, doing something practical whilst listening to podcasts, and will love every second.

What I've also come to terms with, after DECADES of beating myself up for it (I'm 39) is that I want social interactions, mates and acquaintances, but NOT deep friendships - and I have none (bar my DH) and I'm now comfortable with this.

The idea of having deep chats, sharing lots of information about my private life, seeking others' advice, listening in depth to peoples problems, having someone think they can offer opinions on any aspect of my lifestyle, or being expected to give more of myself than I want to - is NOT for me.

I DO make sure though that I flex my sociable muscles often, and if DH dies I'm comfortable that I would manage to keep busy enough.

I have also come to realise and accept that I am not a late night person - I am fed up by 11pm and not good company. So I avoid anything that's likely to be a late one. I sometimes need to travel for work, and there's always a dinner, which I go to and enjoy. However, these days I have no qualms about dropping out after that, before people start faffing about with where to go for post dinner drinks. I just say "I'm not great company after half ten, have a good evening!" and slope off before people start that irritating "persuading you along" gubbins.

Yes agree with this. My MIL is very introverted and has always been happy with her own company and not one for joining in with activities, but in her early sixties she retired and FIL died within the space of six months and she found it incredibly tough. She is very lonely and is now having to try and rebuild her network and it has been really hard for her.