Introversion and joy of missing out

[JOMOnow]

I'm late 40s and for years I did things/ attended events because I felt I should, or tried to be 'friends' with lots of people. However, I now realise I've always been introverted, am very happy in my own company, prefer to keep my social circle/friendship group small and that there's nothing wrong with sometimes just wanting to stay home and read my book.

Now, when I hear of big social gatherings or people I know who have hectic social lives and are always busy, I'm so glad I'm now comfortable with who I am. Don't get me wrong, I still socialise and have good friends and have a hobby that involves a group activity, but I know my limits and don't feel that pressure any more.

Anyone else relate to this?

I'm not a night owl either. I used to force myself to stay out late at events, but not anymore. Even when I was a child, I used to get into bed early with my book!

Really interesting thread.
Even though I'm definitely an introvert (very busy job - need quiet time after that to reset myself, always preferred socialising in small groups and have a small group of close friends rather than lots and lots of friends.)
But the big difference to many of the posters is that I really don't like being on my own for any length. Great for the odd evening where I can eat what I want or watch what I want - but I'm likely to be on my own later in life and that really worries me.

Absolutely. I am reading Quiet, the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking. We are the best.

I relate to you OP regarding the 'obligation' to attend events, and in recent years have become selective, especially when it comes to work based social events. Always decline in good time if I don't feel like going, and no-one seems to mind.

This is such a great thread .

Since getting older I am very selective about what I will and won't go to . Invites from my three different groups of friends are always accepted but work Xmas do's are never excepted. I have realised I don't like large gatherings because what's the point of speaking to tens of people for 2 mins each when i prefer engaging with less people for proper meaningful conversations.

My elderly mum has also hit a wall, she has always been married and now her relationship has broken down she feels lonely . She has no friends having always been of the mindset she didn't need them because she did everything with partner .

I loved being at home through covid lockdown and was never bored but I do think we have to think to the future and have at least a few good friends for company and companionship.

I'm like this too!
I have six friends I see on a one-to one basis intermittently, preferably at each other's houses. I see my sister weekly to go swimming.
At home, DP and I have separate living areas (I converted the dining room). He watches really noisy programmes with murders every two minutes.
My cat and I have a nice peaceful time together.

I have accepted a Christmas meal out with a group of people I don't know that well (a club I've recently joined) and I'm already dreading it. I forced myself to do it because I thought it would be good for me and I couldn't think of an excuse. I should be old enough to have just politely declined!

hattie that's so sad about your mother and it's a timely reminder to all of us not to rely on a husband/partner for a total support net work. My DM was widowed after 60 years of marriage but she had always maintained a strong friendship network .. and the ability to meet new people. At 90 she is hosting bridge afternoons for new friends and embracing new adventures!

People are often surprised that my DH & I lead almost entirely separate social lives ... but it works for us and if I am widowed or left ... at least I have my own friends (same for my DH).

I inwardly cringe when I read posts about 'my little family is enough' ... Or 'I don't need friends, my DH is my best friend'.

Ages ago I went out with someone in the forces - where attendance at mess dinners was pretty much compulsory for partners. they would never sit you near your other half, nor could you leave when you wanted. It was hell, & I swear now that it has given me almost a form of PTSD.
I can only go to things where I know I can leave when I want & sit where I want. even with my closest friends, I am done after about an hour and have to go home.

So true. Thank you for reminding me! There is no missing out for me, usually just anxiety around feeling like I should be going on nights out. In truth I absolutely dread and don't enjoy them. Having used alcohol as a lubricant for decades I'm also sick of getting worked up at social events and drinking just to join in and cope. Usually disastrous. The relief of saying no.

@DottyLottieLou I read that when it came out and did really enjoy it, that and the Highly Sensitive Person book did help me see that I had a right to carve out the time and space I needed to thrive.

I think for a while I really did identify with the idea that I was an "introvert" and I know that I still am but I am not really into labels these days as I don't think anyone really fits into them that neatly. I just try to take what I can learn from it and use, integrate it but I do try to let the label go as I don't really like being boxed in by an idea that I am X or Y type of person.

I absolutely resonate. I’m an introvert and get an element of social anxiety in settings that are filled with new/ awkward people or those whom I know, are probably not the best fit for me.

the thing that I am conscious of, is that right now am busy and so pockets of quiet are valuable. Later, as the nest becomes empty, I don’t want to be alone. I know that it’ll affect my mental well-being. The risk of my saying ‘no’ to social things too often, may mean that later down the line, I am lonely.

As I've got older I've realised that I don't care for endless shopping trips, I have no interest in going to the theatre or gigs/concerts/shows. All things my friends enjoy doing. I have developed a huge aversion to loud noise/ become nose sensitive. I love the sound of the washing machine/tumble drier when I'm WFH, but I generally hate loud noise. I like the safety feeling of being at home. It's comforting. Going to the shops stresses me out with people stopping in front of me, too many people/busy, queues, too much choice. I have had many meltdowns in shops. I now do as much of my shopping online.