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Original poster

Please tell me how great it is to have just one child

106 replies

Kojaki · 24/10/2023 22:22

I have one and 80% sure we'll stop there.

There's a small part of me though that would like another but then I mentally list all the reasons why it's a bad idea (finances, mental health, even saggier belly).

I suppose I worry I'll regret it later but the thought of doing it all again is a lot.

Can the one child parents out there tell me why it's a great decision if its worked for you?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kojaki · 25/10/2023 04:30

Thanks for all the responses. A lot of them were as I imagined in terms of more time and resources for the only child. I can see the benefits of that for my dd and I think I wouldn't want to go through another pregnancy again to be honest. I'd be late 30s if we tried again.

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 25/10/2023 05:47

It’s easy to get quality time with your DC and have time to yourself.

Holidays are easy. Next year DH and I are both taking DS away separately as well as having a family holiday.

JustKen · 25/10/2023 06:52

One DD(17). I nearly died having her so I decided, no more. Can't fight biology imo.

Advantages: no fighting with siblings. (I fought with my brother constantly) I have more patience. Less costs, generally. I feel like I can be a decent advocate for her in difficult times without worrying about any siblings problems too. I have more time to attend to her needs. She has a band of "sisters" (bf) whom she sees constantly and has cousins who text occasionally. She's very independent, more than her older cousins were at the same age. Erm, I think that's it!

Disadvantages: she says she was sometimes lonely when younger but we've always encouraged friendships and links with family near & far to help alleviate this.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Unabletomitigate · 25/10/2023 07:03

I am one of four and see my siblings as a fact of life. We were never close.
Now I have 1 and he will be an only child, due to medical complications. I understand in my head how people can see only children as problematic, but I see freinds with multiple kids and count myslef lucky. On a purely selfish level, I have more time and energy for me!

Unithorn · 25/10/2023 07:14

TheSnootiestFox · 24/10/2023 22:26

I can tell you that as an only child dealing with an elderly mother with dementia on their own it's bloody horrific, sorry if that's not what you want to hear. I just wish I could magic up a sibling or two to help make decisions or do the shopping one day when I'm really too busy. I've hated being an only child full stop actually.

The reality is not all siblings get along for a start, and it's not the case that all siblings support their parents equally in old age. invariably from people I know the daughters do the bulk and it causes a lot of resentment and bad feeling. Sorry for your situation and I can see why it seems that siblings would make things easier but they don't always.

OP we have one and love it, I wouldn't want to have another in a million years. Perfect balance for us, love our wonderful DS and aren't financially, time or resource stretched. DS is very social and doesn't miss out.

Beezknees · 25/10/2023 07:18

An1ta · 25/10/2023 00:09

I grew up with 3 siblings. Had an only child for 14 years and honestly say I wish my daughter could have had the childhood I had. I wouldn't say we were poor but we definitely didn't have money for holidays or expensive clothes. We played together, we fought together and we laughed together. Moreover we shared everything and looked out for each other. We had friends but we also didn't need anybody. We also argued all the time over every stupid little thing. Kinda love and hate relationships. Money was never an issue for us. We just understood there's not enough money to buy 4 new pairs of shoes. So each month or whenever possible one of us would get what they needed. We never argued about that.
¹
My daughter is so different from us and it's not just her. I have many friends with only one child and they're all very alike. She's selfish, doesn't want to share, have absolutely no sense of what anything costs or how hard I had worked for everything she has. Yet it's still not enough. Very ungrateful and doesn't appreciates anything. Please understand this is not due to my parenting. I've tried to teach her from very young age to no avail. Nothing is enough. I've seen lots of u commenting u can give your child more financially. I used to think that but not now. Unless it's branded clothes, trainers, make up, money to go out or some other freakishly expensive thing she's not interested. We're talking £300 + trainers!!! Hell no, she ain't getting that even if I had the money to waste. Yet every birthday or Christmas I do what I can to get her what she wants.

But even that is not the reason why I wish she had siblings growing up. I watched my daughter cry her eyes out, depressed, shut in her room, cutting herself, do all sorts of stupid things to navigate friendships, puberty and trying to fit in all on her own. She struggled so much and I believe the reason why she struggled so much was due to not having any siblings to either watch and learn from them and go through things together. Support each other. After 14 years I had another child and can't believe the change in my daughter. She is happy to come home to her little sister, she's interested to know whether the baby and I are OK. She spends her pocket money to buy little things for her sister. She's asks whether the baby has everything before she asks for something for herself. She's present, she's involved and she's happy. She's looking forward to seeing the baby grow up, wants matching outfits and helps put wherever she can. She matured so much and at the same time is acting like a little girl again. Honestly I couldn't be happier.

I realise that's probably not the answer u were looking for. That is just my opinion from my experience. I always wanted only one child but now regret I didn't have them all at once.

I am an only child myself and this is nothing to do with being an only child, it's a personality thing. I was fine as an only.

LividTwunt · 25/10/2023 07:36

I have an only by circumstance, not by choice.

I’m recently single and a tiny part of me is secretly glad because leaving his dad with another would have been even harder, and scraping by financially with two would be even more impossible.

I try to cultivate cousin relationships as much as possible, because I’m aware that I lean on my siblings much more than I ever thought I would as an adult, and I want him to have family closeness as much as possible for when I’m infirm/gone.

It also means I pay more for insurance and whatnot because I want him to be provided for. He won’t have siblings if I pop off early, so he’ll need money at least.

Some of my friends have had a second and admitted they regret it. They love the baby, obviously, but find managing more than one small person difficult.

I admit to being glad I’ve not had to manage the sleeplessness and brain fog of the early years a second time, because it really was tough.

Like all things, you’ll regret whatever you don’t do. But try to find the joy in whatever you do end up with.

CalistoNoSolo · 25/10/2023 09:16

Dd is an only. She's 18 now and at university and has always been an absolute delight from the moment she was born. She's never wanted a sibling, has had some fantastic holidays and opportunities that wouldn't have happened if she'd had siblings. She went to an excellent grammar where she excelled, which she wouldn't have been able to do if she'd had a sibling (uniform, bus, outings etc all v expensive). She now goes to one of the best universities in the world (fee paying) that wouldn't have been possible if she had a sibling.

In addition she is very confident, generous, articulate with all age groups, self-sufficient and hard working. A lot of that is down to the amount of time and support I (single parent) have been able to give her. I haven't regretted for a second having just one. As for what happens when I'm too old to look after myself - I have my own plan for that and it doesn't involve dd at all.

CalistoNoSolo · 25/10/2023 09:23

An1ta · 25/10/2023 00:09

I grew up with 3 siblings. Had an only child for 14 years and honestly say I wish my daughter could have had the childhood I had. I wouldn't say we were poor but we definitely didn't have money for holidays or expensive clothes. We played together, we fought together and we laughed together. Moreover we shared everything and looked out for each other. We had friends but we also didn't need anybody. We also argued all the time over every stupid little thing. Kinda love and hate relationships. Money was never an issue for us. We just understood there's not enough money to buy 4 new pairs of shoes. So each month or whenever possible one of us would get what they needed. We never argued about that.
¹
My daughter is so different from us and it's not just her. I have many friends with only one child and they're all very alike. She's selfish, doesn't want to share, have absolutely no sense of what anything costs or how hard I had worked for everything she has. Yet it's still not enough. Very ungrateful and doesn't appreciates anything. Please understand this is not due to my parenting. I've tried to teach her from very young age to no avail. Nothing is enough. I've seen lots of u commenting u can give your child more financially. I used to think that but not now. Unless it's branded clothes, trainers, make up, money to go out or some other freakishly expensive thing she's not interested. We're talking £300 + trainers!!! Hell no, she ain't getting that even if I had the money to waste. Yet every birthday or Christmas I do what I can to get her what she wants.

But even that is not the reason why I wish she had siblings growing up. I watched my daughter cry her eyes out, depressed, shut in her room, cutting herself, do all sorts of stupid things to navigate friendships, puberty and trying to fit in all on her own. She struggled so much and I believe the reason why she struggled so much was due to not having any siblings to either watch and learn from them and go through things together. Support each other. After 14 years I had another child and can't believe the change in my daughter. She is happy to come home to her little sister, she's interested to know whether the baby and I are OK. She spends her pocket money to buy little things for her sister. She's asks whether the baby has everything before she asks for something for herself. She's present, she's involved and she's happy. She's looking forward to seeing the baby grow up, wants matching outfits and helps put wherever she can. She matured so much and at the same time is acting like a little girl again. Honestly I couldn't be happier.

I realise that's probably not the answer u were looking for. That is just my opinion from my experience. I always wanted only one child but now regret I didn't have them all at once.

I know plenty of only children and not a single one is selfish, ungrateful or grasping, quite the opposite in fact. They all seem to have very robust mental health too. I think your experience with your daughter has coloured how you see all only children.

crumblingschools · 25/10/2023 09:27

@TheSnootiestFox I have a brother, he was absolutely no help when DF had cancer, didn’t bother turning up to the funeral. Phones DM once in awhile but that is it. She is now very elderly and assume he won’t be around as her care needs increase.

Think it is harder to do everything on your own when you have a sibling that does nothing.

We have an only, has never expressed a desire to have a sibling. Can be quite introverted but so am I and DH. We all like our own space at times, but he also has friends and is pretty independent. Some of his peers have siblings who really don’t get on, and I know I would have struggled parenting squabbling siblings.

Laurdo · 25/10/2023 09:37

My DSD is 5 and although not an only child it feels like she is as her brothers are now adults.

I think people worry about only children being lonely. I arrange lots of play dates for my DSD and in a way I think that's sometimes better because she has chosen her own friends, they are the same age with similar interests. She also goes to dancing and gymnastics too.

DH and I have no desire to have any more children but honestly I don't think my DSD would want that anyway. I think she likes that all our attention is on her.

HorribleHisTories15 · 25/10/2023 10:14

That is a very sobering and lovely post @An1ta . An amazing turn around with the little sibling too! You made the right decision for your family

An1ta · 25/10/2023 10:27

@CalistoNoSolo
I did say my opinion from my experience.

lollipoprainbow · 25/10/2023 10:51

The ones who tell you how great having an only child are those who have children with 'loads of friends' or cousins etc. My dd has neither and is incredibly lonely, I wish things could have been different.

PinkRoses1245 · 25/10/2023 10:53

TheSnootiestFox · 24/10/2023 22:26

I can tell you that as an only child dealing with an elderly mother with dementia on their own it's bloody horrific, sorry if that's not what you want to hear. I just wish I could magic up a sibling or two to help make decisions or do the shopping one day when I'm really too busy. I've hated being an only child full stop actually.

But you have zero guarantee they'd help. They might live in Australia, or just not want to help.

PinkRoses1245 · 25/10/2023 10:54

You shouldn't frame it as giving them a sibling. If you want another child, that is for you and your partner to decide, for yourselves.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 25/10/2023 10:56

My dd is an only and honestly think she is v happy - she can pick and choose when she wants company but is also very independent.
It's not what l would have chosen for her but it is fine and she has a lovely life.

muimper · 25/10/2023 10:57

I only ever wanted the one and I have absolutely no regrets. I've been able to invest my time and money into my son and still pursue my career. My son has never wanted a sibling.

He's 20 now - confident, popular, smart, brave, independent and funny.

TheBigTVonWheels · 25/10/2023 10:59

DD is an only. Half term has reminded me how nice it is! Calm train journeys and days out which are a pleasure, not an exercise in herding cats.

TempsPerdu · 25/10/2023 10:59

The ones who tell you how great having an only child are those who have children with 'loads of friends' or cousins etc. My dd has neither and is incredibly lonely, I wish things could have been different

My DD isn’t. Only one cousin (much younger, opposite sex and lives a 12 hour flight away) and, although she’s pretty confident socially, not that many friends. She’s an introvert , who hates chaos, enjoys quiet downtime and only needs a couple of close friendships to be happy.

There will always be endless variations on this, depending on a huge range of factors including the natural temperament of the child. No particular family size or dynamic is the ‘right answer’.

muimper · 25/10/2023 10:59

In addition she is very confident, generous, articulate with all age groups, self-sufficient and hard working. A lot of that is down to the amount of time and support I (single parent) have been able to give her. I haven't regretted for a second having just one. As for what happens when I'm too old to look after myself - I have my own plan for that and it doesn't involve dd at all.

I could have written this (minus the generous bit Smile). My son communicates with all age groups seamlessly

bookworm14 · 25/10/2023 11:02

If your child is that awful, An1ta, that’s down to you I’m afraid. If it’s even real - seems very far fetched to me.

TheSnootiestFox · 25/10/2023 11:55

lollipoprainbow · 25/10/2023 10:51

The ones who tell you how great having an only child are those who have children with 'loads of friends' or cousins etc. My dd has neither and is incredibly lonely, I wish things could have been different.

This, and again, I can only go on my own experience and even if said sibling was in Australia I could at least pick up the phone as they exist. I agree that only people with onlies will be extolling the virtues if an only child. I have two and would have had more if ex dh would have let me. It's selfish and short sighted to plan an only and for all those saying to me their sibling won't help/be around, at least there is another human being that would be just as liable for mum's welfare as me. If I go under a bus or get ill there is noone and I really resent the amount of pressure I'm under especially as I know that she terminated my sibling through choice rather than medical advice. Again only my lived experience, and I'm sure yet again on mumsnet I'll be told I'm wrong!

bookworm14 · 25/10/2023 11:58

It’s always the way on here. OP asks for positive experiences of having an only and the thread is inevitably invaded by people telling them
why it’s shit and selfish and their child will end up miserable and maladjusted.

Tdcp · 25/10/2023 11:59

I have one, I've been back and forth about having more for years but we're finally at a point where I can enjoy having time to myself, sleep etc. I think I would have liked more but I don't think I'd have one now DD is 9. She gets loads of quality time, we have a bit of spare money to do day trips etc. It's nice. I have 2 brothers, we haven't talked in years.