MIL’s One Upmanship

[Whatashittyweek]

My mother in law is very lovely however there is one aspect of her that drives me mad and it’s regarding grandchildren.

My child - let’s call her Madge, and my nephew, let’s call him Harold (yes I know it’s neighbours reference but wanted to use names so different)

Harold was born 6 weeks before Madge. At this point, in order not to drip feed, Harold was born after a horrible tragedy in our family. That’s as much as I will say but I’m not sure if it’s relevant to this scenario. It had also taken me & DH several years and multiple rounds of IVF to yet pregnant.

sorry that was a lot of background, but the issue I have is that my mother in law is cannot hear anything good about Madge without saying that Harold does it better. So for instance, Madge can now ride her bike without stabilisers, oh Harold did that 2 months ago. Or Madge is doing really well at school, teacher says her writing is amazing for her age, MIL then says oh Harold’s got really good handwriting too - she never says oh wow Madge thats brilliant well done!

It’s tiresome. My sister in law never makes such comments and always gives lovely praise without boasting about DN. And vice versa, I praise Harold without bragging about Madge.

There’s a million more examples but they’re all in the same vain. I feel it’s quite sad. DH has suggested saying something to MIL, I want to but wonder wherever it’s just worth letting it go.

MIL see’s Harold much more than she see’s Madge as we live about 60 miles away.

does anyone else’s MIL do this? Would you say something or just let it go over your head?

Harold & Madge are currently 5 years old

Yes, every two me we see them.

*time

DH's grandmother was even worse than this. She was completely unable to have a conversation about anyone without mentioning one of DH's cousins. 'Tim' was shoehorned into any possible topic. As far as I could see Tim was an entirely unremarkable young man whose main interest seemed to be watching TV. I wouldn't take it to heart - perhaps try and make a game out of how how Elevenerife you can get her to go?

Yes it's the Golden Child syndrome, is Harold the DDs child and Marge the DSs?

Similar issues in DHs family DDs children are top rank, the boys kids are bottom. DH let's it slide, but generally keeps visits to once a month. BIL plays bingo, how long before the Golden Children are mentioned.

An elevenerife we all know one ! I feel your pain

Yep spot on

Ah, that’s what’s going on with my MIL! Same scenario.

I have a son and a daughter; hope I don’t repeat this pattern.

We had the exact same thing with DMIL. DH is her DS and DSIL is her DD.

DMIL wouldn't even wait to be told anything it would go a bit like this:

"Oh you look a bit tired Siouxsie, have you been up in the night again?"

"Yes, DS wakes up in the night".

"Oh really, DN sleeps so well".

I later found out from DSIL that DN did not sleep through for 7 whole years!

How I did kill DMIL off I'll never know. She was so lovely in so many ways but I don't know why she always had to cast DS in such a bad light.

Could it be coming from a place where she doesn't want to show favouritism rather than one-upmanship? Literally showing she is thinking about both of them.

@NigelHarmansNewWife nope 6 GC and its always the DDs two that have to be pick of the bunch. I don't think on our last visit the other sons kids got a mention.

I have the thing but with my own mum. I will compliment my own children and she will have to then say something about how my niece is better (my sister’s daughter).

It’s so strange as my sister isn’t braggy and would find my mum’s behaviour weird. I think my mum just thinks complimenting my own children is conceited and likes to put me in my place 🙄

Don't let it go.

Soon your child will notice it and will start to feel shit about herself in comparison.

Tell her to stop it as it's not only unnecessary but an incredibly inappropriate way to treat your grandchildren.

Yep one of my DD’s is the golden grandchild (which she hates BTW).

On both sides my grandparents had one of my cousins as favourite. My MIL favoured her DD’s eldest, but changes her faves from time to time dependent on if she can brag about their achievements.

All you can do is grit your teeth and get on with it.

I really enjoyed reading about children called Harold and Madge.

but, in all seriousness, you should 100% say something, doesn’t have to be confrontational but poor Madge deserves better from her Grandparent.

Oh my gosh. This is my mil.

Our child is Jack and sils child is Vera.

Every time we mention anything about Jack mil turns it around into something that Vera is doing.

Sil sees pil every day because they provide after school childcare and they live nearby.

We see pil about once a month because we live a bit further away. They cannot see us without also inviting sil and Vera.

They were going to take Jack out once for a day out, all pre-arranged. They decided to invite Vera too but Vera didn't want to do the pre arranged activity so Jack got dropped and they took Vera out instead.

@Myhusbandearns150k
How do you actually say anything without causing a rift?

In my family, my brother is the golden child and his children are the golden grandchildren. It used to really upset me and my children but now we just laugh about it. My mother now has 5 great grandchildren. She only keeps a picture up of one of them! This is my brothers only grandchild, of course.

Yes I can relate. Unfortunately neither myself or DH are the golden children which means our DC are not the golden grandchildren on either side 😂

PIL constantly send pictures of BILs youngest to my DH. Nobody else gets a look in. He is allowed be a brat, they think he's funny, he's not. Allowed jump on their chairs and throw cushions as well as eat in the living room. It's awful, especially when the other grandkids who behave impeccably are told to eat in the kitchen. My kids comment in it now and it's causing resentment.

That’s what I was wondering.

My grandma used to do this - when my mum said something about me or my brother she'd start mentioning our cousins. But my mum later found out that she did the opposite too! (So she also bragged about me and my brother to my aunt.) In other words she was really proud of all her grandchildren and couldn't stop talking about all of them! Could it be something like this going on?

My MIL has four DC with five grandsons and three granddaughters. All adults now.

She only has any time for the first born grandson (my DS) the rest are all ignored. Including her favourite son’s children. She gives birthday money, a card and a personal visit only to her youngest son (53) and my DS (29] and the rest of her DC and GC don’t even get a Happy Birthday on Facebook.

Other way round in my family. Can't mention anything my own (older) children have achieved without having to hear about my brother's (definitely the GC) considerably younger children being so much more amazing. Thankfully I live a good bloody distance away and so can control my exposure to the BS!

I can't see her ever changing but you can take away the sting by turning it into a game getting her to make obviously ridiculous remarks. Make MIL the joke.

My mum always hears news first but will get annoyed if I don't tell her things. So I make shit up and wait for her to tell me she heard it earlier on the news.

Your only going to upset yourself more and more by feeling this way. Yes I do understand how it hurts you, but only you can change how you react...
Sometimes it is just her trying to talk children, so change how you react to her....
Riding her bike, he did it first, well he is older and a boy so his muscles are strong and he is taller. So instead of getting competitive, you could joke and say santa will need to bring new bikes soon.
That he read first , oh that is great , you...or MIL can look round for some new books....

Yes I’d be tempted to turn it into a game too. Oh Madge managed to swim the English Channel the other day all by herself!