MIL’s One Upmanship

[Whatashittyweek]

My mother in law is very lovely however there is one aspect of her that drives me mad and it’s regarding grandchildren.

My child - let’s call her Madge, and my nephew, let’s call him Harold (yes I know it’s neighbours reference but wanted to use names so different)

Harold was born 6 weeks before Madge. At this point, in order not to drip feed, Harold was born after a horrible tragedy in our family. That’s as much as I will say but I’m not sure if it’s relevant to this scenario. It had also taken me & DH several years and multiple rounds of IVF to yet pregnant.

sorry that was a lot of background, but the issue I have is that my mother in law is cannot hear anything good about Madge without saying that Harold does it better. So for instance, Madge can now ride her bike without stabilisers, oh Harold did that 2 months ago. Or Madge is doing really well at school, teacher says her writing is amazing for her age, MIL then says oh Harold’s got really good handwriting too - she never says oh wow Madge thats brilliant well done!

It’s tiresome. My sister in law never makes such comments and always gives lovely praise without boasting about DN. And vice versa, I praise Harold without bragging about Madge.

There’s a million more examples but they’re all in the same vain. I feel it’s quite sad. DH has suggested saying something to MIL, I want to but wonder wherever it’s just worth letting it go.

MIL see’s Harold much more than she see’s Madge as we live about 60 miles away.

does anyone else’s MIL do this? Would you say something or just let it go over your head?

Harold & Madge are currently 5 years old

‘Madge got her first period ..’

“Yes Harold …. Err… Cup of tea dear?”

‘Yes, Harold is fab, but I’m talking about Madge at the moment’

DH could say ‘Mum, do you realise that when we tell you about Madge you always compare her to Harold? You must be so proud of Harold, of course, but we like Madge to know she is getting recognition for her own achievements’

Don’t make a row of it, just pleasant relaxed observation.

My dm doesn’t do this but she cannot seem to pass a comment on either of her gc (both my dc) without referencing the other one.

Gd drew me a beautiful picture today which isn’t to say gs isn’t good at art but then he’s marvellous at lego and gd might be good at lego too if she spent as much time on it as gs but she spent a lot of time on this picture, which isn’t to say she isn’t good at lego.

It’s exhausting sometimes and it’s not even as if the dc are listening.

Mil does similar to yours op, but there’s a 12 year age gap between her other gc so it doesn’t hit as hard. And in the context of my own dm’s version of grandmadness, I just don’t listen too closely.

My DM did exactly this, with my brother's second son. I'd always be told, 'oh, Oscar does xxxx now,' when at least a couple of my children did the same, as though Oscar's average achievement superceded anything my kids could do. Oscar was name-dropped continually, until my kids actually said 'wow, Grandma really likes Oscar, doesn't she?' There was no other noticeable favouritism though, just this mentionitis.
My kids turned into very high achievers, while Oscar is pottering along, doing his thing but not exactly breaking records. My mum is long gone, but if she were still here I'm sure she'd managed to make Oscar's part time job somehow the best thing ever.

I don't see how "My other grandchild is better than your dc" will achieve that though, do you?

I'd probably just say 'Of course he did. Silly me,' in a weary tone every, single time she said it. And hope she got the message.

We have this with MIL even though there’s eight years difference between the children. BILs DD Can do no wrong is the first child to ever done anything. Even though my two children were very different from one another, and still are as late teenagers. There’s always a comparison made where really there just doesn’t need to be. DN is the golden child but BIL always was and still is compared to DH.

How about following each Harold comment up with 'well obviously!' In a slightly sarcastic tone

She might notice if each time she gets the same reply. I'd think of loads of things dd has done and keep listing them. See what happens...

If she says what do you mean 'well we've noticed that each time we tell you something amazing that dd has done you tell us that dn has already done it better. It's getting tiresome. We'd appreciate it if you can just tell dd well done. We see dsil and know how dn is getting on and tell him well done for the things he's done!'

My dm does this with my db and my DH! They had/have the same job, so I’d tell dm what my DH had been up to and she’d immediately tell me what my db used to do, even tho he left the job years ago! She still does this, I keep telling her the job is very different nowadays, things aren’t the same, but no, she knows best! Drives me nuts.

It sounds like Harold's parent is the favourite sibling. So he is the favoured GC. Not fair, but oh so common.

My MIL used to be like this. A lot! It died away once the kids were in high school and became their own people and took different paths in life.

The reason I mentioned the tragedy is that Harold maybe represented healing and a new focus. Of course I was pregnant at the same time with Madge but I’m not MIL’s DD 😞

My uncle was like this. My parents didn't even have to say anything about how well I'd done. I was already a born failure in his eyes because I was a girl and whenever we saw him (which was rarely), he'd launch into how much better his son was than me and how I'd never reach his level of achievement but if I tried really hard I might get close.

We are not in contact with him now.

worse when you see it going from golden child syndrome, to golden grandchild syndrome then on to golden great grandchild syndrome!! all straight down the line! yet my mother did not understand why the other siblings resented the golden child even after she became a grandmother!!!!! it just got worse and worse! it was my mother and not my mother in law, that is the only difference

Definitely tell her. She is setting up a lifetime of bias, which is what I lived through as “Madge”, though “Harold” was my brother - I was too fat/my hair was too thin/I wasn’t ever enough - my relationship with this awful woman finally terminated the day I got into my university of choice (after working my arse off), and she told me it wasn’t as good as “Harold’s” and she was allowed her preferences. Your child will grow up hating her, and it was very hard for my mother and me when she died and I found it difficult to sympathise.

We had this too, we had the Madge. One time PIL we’re visiting us as we lived overseas and FIL spent so much time uploading photos and videos to send to Harold in the end my DH said to him, hey Dad, how about trying to enjoy the grandchild right in front of you?

Fil was also downright awful to Harold a few times. They were playing boggle one Xmas when Harold was 5 FGS and FIL kept choosing words he knew Harold would have, and when I said “why did you choose that word, you can’t have it if Harold has it?” He said “so Harold can’t have it either cause I’m trying to take him down a peg” 😤

My MIL wrote a little potted history of her family and mentioned all the grandkids apart from my youngest!

Awful.

Ours also flowed down - my DH got a really amazing promotion and all FIL could say was “well your brother didn’t keep changing jobs and he’s having a great career”

My DGM was just like this. Everything we did, my cousin had done better, or stronger, or higher...

It was only at DGM funeral when we were all talking that we realised she did this to all of us, with each other. We thought cousin K was the golden child, she thought cousin D was the golden child, who thought that we were the favoured children.

😦😦😦😦😦😦 That's absolutely APPALLING!!! I hope you never spoke to the bastards again

It's tiresome my ex mil always wanted a grandchild we gave her two she ignores them in favour of her sons (their dad) new girlfriends child (who happens to be a girl unlike her grandchildren) as babies she prioritised her other child's DOG over them literally having toys for the dog none for her grandchildren but the pettiest she got was with car buying her son wanted a particular car a land rover (for example) nothing special but he wanted one and was saving so they hussled out and bought one and then told everyone he was copying them (yes they are adults) so he decided he wanted a different car they traded theirs in and fucking bought that in the end he bought something else entirely but the constant nonsense was unbelievable

Weirdest dynamics in a family EVER they seemed so normal till we got married then the switch flipped and stayed flipped even today nan doesn't recognise her own grandchildren she hasn't seen them for almost five years

I think you can say something neutral like

"MiL you probably don't notice but often when we tell you something DD has done you immediately reference Harold.
Harold is lovely and it's wonderful he can juggle/speak 6 languages but I think its important to recognise each child as individuals and not compare them
I would hate to see a scenario where they felt they were competing with eachother rather than they were cousins and friends.
As I said I'm sure it's unintended but it's worth being mindful of it"

If you don't want to challenge it simply stop telling her anything.

And the comparison between her grandchildren is insane ds is dyspraxic he walks into everything he is also a couple of years older than her step grandson ds did something really good academically she turns it into how step gc can ride a skateboard.....well that's nice nan what about congrats to your grandchild? Who is sitting right there? Looking at you dismissing him? NADA

They were going to take Jack out once for a day out, all pre-arranged. They decided to invite Vera too but Vera didn't want to do the pre arranged activity so Jack got dropped and they took Vera out instead.

That is bloody awful.

I have a PITA father in law, who I’ve posted about many times. He is obsessed with his daughter’s children to the point I think it’s fucking weird. Especially the granddaughter. My children are compared and found wanting.

Nope. I would not be putting up with that.

Next time she does it say ‘why do you do that?’ ‘You always diminish Madge’s little milestones by mentioning Harold. I don’t like it and it makes me feel sad for my little girl that her grandmother has such blatent favouritism.’

Hopefully she’ll be mortified as she doesn’t realise she’s even doing it.

OMG I've found my people! MIL is obsessed with my DN, who is her DD's child and shoehorns her into every single conversation. It was bad enough before our kids were born her constantly mentioning them but now we have children, it's even worse! (My husband is her DS)

My poor DD can't even say she has a headache without MIL piping up "oh DN had a headache the other day"

My DD starts ballet... "OH DN did ballet when she was her age, bla bla bla 15 minute story nobody asked for about ballet lessons DN did 7 years ago!"

It drives me mad, I don't think she means anything malicious by it or even realises she's doing it but sometimes it really makes me feel she's playing favourites.