Being judged for not visiting Dad in care home.

[YouKnowNothingAboutUs]

If you have a relative in a home, do you judge the relatives of other residents if you don’t see them often? Well please don’t!

Just ranting really.

Visiting DF today in his dementia home. A relative of another resident (she was visiting her husband) commented ‘I’ve not seen you before. I’ve never seen anyone visit Richard’.

I actually saw her a fortnight ago and I said hello then.
My usual day to visit is a Friday after work, rather than a weekend, so if she doesn’t visit at 3pm on Friday she won’t see me often.

However, I actually don’t visit often for numerous reasons.

Firstly he didn’t give us so much as a backwards glance after my DP got divorced.
We had little contact from around age 10 and when I was around 18 years old he moved abroad.
He has never known when our birthdays are or how old we were.
She asked if I was Jane. I’m not Jane. Jane is the first born and golden child. Everyone in the home knows about Jane.
He actually has 3 children but no one will have heard about myself or our other sibling.
When he moved abroad I did visit him age around 20.
I then visited him a further 4 times over the years taking DH, then DC to meet him. Expensive, long flights when we are not high earners. He never visited the U.K.
Jane never flew over to visit him, our other sibling went three times.
Finally around 12 years ago he returned to the U.K. for good. He lived quite close to Jane so visited her often. I think in the last 12 years he had visited my house twice.
He never phoned and the only time I saw him was when I drove the 100 mile round trip to see him, the only time I spoke to him was when I called him.
I have a number of chronic health conditions that mean I am in pain, I am exhausted, I struggle working part time, I’m a carer for my terminally ill DH and we have a child with SEN.
So, visiting someone who I happen to be related to, but who never gave me much thought, is never the top of my list.
My siblings don’t visit.
I go as a duty visit.
I go when the guilt I feel about another human being being in such an awful place gets too much.
He is my father who I desperately wanted the father daughter relationship with, that other people have had with theirs, but I will never have. I mourn for this often, and have done for decades, but I don’t need to be judged by someone who very obviously had a different relationship with their father.

Not sure if I feel better or worse for getting that off my chest tbh. All I keep hearing in my head is ‘I’ve never seen anyone visit Richard’.

You don't owe your father anything, he should have treated you properly.
She sounds like a busy body and your family's dynamics are none of her business, shes being a nosy cow and was rude to comment.
You have enough on your plate , when you leave there or if you have already left don't give them a backward glance and enjoy whats left of the day.

You should just say, "and I've never seen anyone visit John."

Ignore her. She doesn't know your family dynamics and she is a tactless fool.

If you see her again ask her how often she visits as you visit every week and rarely see her rellie with any visitors.

If she says anything again I’d just ask her to repeat it, then hesitate slightly longer than is comfortable and just say ‘right’ or ‘hmmm’ or something along those lines. You’re under no obligation to respond to the ignorant and unsolicited opinion of someone with zero skin in the game.

It sounds like there’s a complex history to the situation and I hope you’re ok. That woman may well feel entirely differently if she were to walk a mile in your shoes.

I think you are a saint ever visiting at all. I wouldn’t… ever again. You owe him nothing.

ignore this stupid busybody and spend your precious time and energy on your own little family who you love . Life is too short for duty visits. Much love .

My df is in a care home with dementia. I try to visit once a month. He left my mum when I was 12 (have 4 dbs) and from then on he only visited on us birthdays and Christmas.

Last time I went the manager pulled me into her office and asked why he has no visitors. I explained as best I could. I'm the only one that goes. I don't think he would visit me if roles were reversed though.

people question why I go. I love my df, he's my dad. I go mainly because I don't want to have to live with any regrets when the time comes

You are a lovely person to ever visit. It stings when people judge who have never been in that situation. You are doing more for your father than I would in your circumstances and I consider myself a pretty decent person.

You sound very kind bothering to visit at all. Focus on that - that you are loyal and compassionate despite your father not being a good one.

I think most scape goated children probably are nice people - constantly trying to please.

You are doing really well to visit at all, OP. As for the woman, she's probably going a bit gaga too. Head tilt, smile and 'that's interesting'.

Unless that woman is there 24/7 and logging who all the visitors are, then she has no idea how often any one else goes.
It’s none of her business anyway.

You could suggest she might like to sit with your Dad if she thinks he’s lonely.

She’d made me feel like a terrible person, hence my lengthy justification!
you’ve all brought me to tears with your understanding.
Thank you all.

I have learned that in life some people will judge and criticise you no matter what your do... often because they want to feel superior.

It is your life and you can choose to live it as you wish.

The person who made the comment is a stranger who knows nothing about you and your circumstance and frankly her opinion is of no importance whatsoever.

I had toxic parents and you are doing more than I am: I have not spoken to my mother for years and have no intention of ever seeing her again, elderly or not. No visit from me...

People who treated us poorly when we were children and depended on their care have lost the right to except us to then care for them.

Be gentle with yourself and focus on your own health and well being.

She's forgotten one visit and hasn't been around when you done any others. Try to shrug it off.

However, it's also possible, as you refer to everybody hearing about the eldest, that he doesn't actually reliably remember having three children or is confusing things after you go with you being the one he 'knows' he has - something like 'She visited and called me Dad. That's Jane'. Or 'This woman visits. She's nice.

GMIL had gaps in her memory as her condition progressed - at one point, she could remember DP, but not that he had divorced (cue a 'You've GOT A GIRLFRIEND? What would your wife say?' conversation at Christmas), then forgot he'd been married, as she thought he was visiting from University (calling me by his XW's name and then declaring she didn't know why she'd done that, she'd never met anybody with that name that wasn't a nasty piece of work)...bit of a gap where he was thought to be the Dad of the 'lovely little boy and girl that used to come to the house on Saturdays'...and then he was back as her adult grandson, but there was no memory of his sister ever existing (despite her visiting far more frequently due to distance). This then changed into him being her son and his Mum who visited most of all being forgotten or thought to be at school; all because she was fighting to fill in the gaps in her understanding and memory.

Doesn't change the fact that he wasn't the father you needed, but he might not be deliberately excluding you now - he might be genuinely unable to remember who you are or that you existed.

Dementia's a bastard disease.

An elderly woman, presumably, visiting her husband with dementia makes a passing comment and you want to alert other elderly women visiting their husbands in a care home to think about a passing comment they might make to another resident's relatives?

I think they might be a bit stressed themselves and possibly not at their very best. She doesn't remember you from two weeks ago - it's not a great sign really, is it?

Maybe if they were on mn they would post something asking other relatives not to judge them too harshly on a passing comment and trying to start a conversation with someone?

There's obviously a lot going on for you. It's bound to be pretty awful and re-traumatising and I hope you can see a grief counsellor or similar professional that you can talk things over with. Turning it outwards and being upset or pissed off with other visitors isn't going to bring any healing.

Honestly, don't beat yourself up about it. She hasn't got a clue about your life and you don't owe her an explanation. I'd totally ignore her. FIL was an awful father to DH and when FIL was dying DH refused to see him (they'd been NC for years) and make him feel better about being a terrible person. It sounds harsh I know, but you do reap what you sow. I think you are a wonderful forgiving person for visiting as much as you do.

It's a dementia home. Everything is muddled and confused then gets forgotten about before starting again. That's day to day life. Don't take comments like this to heart especially when it seems to be a conversation starter.

@YouKnowNothingAboutUs you are not a terrible person. People don’t know your back story. You don’t owe it to your father.

When our mother went into a home, DSis and I visited out of duty and almost always together. We could not bear to be there when she passed. We felt guilty but she was a difficult person and reaped what she sowed. The grandkids had very mixed feelings about her but that’s because she engaged well with some and badly with others.

There's usually a back story when an elderly person ends up with no or rare visitors in a nursing home. Not uncommonly it will be something like yours, when a person has not made time for others, is it any surprise that others don't choose to make time for them?

Sadly there can be other situations where it is circumstances that lead to rare visiting. We've had such due to distance within my extended family. Also my godmother (a 2nd/3rd cousin or somesuch), didn't have children, lost her husband too young, and outlived her sisters several years. Her funeral was delayed and tiny due to covid (I videoed it to share), but also, she'd outlived the vast majority of her friends as well.

I think sometimes people don’t always understand that dynamics are different in different families, and it may be that your dad has been talking about how he never gets visitors.

You should never feel that you have to justify yourself or explain, but I wonder if having an answer ready for this if it comes up again might be helpful.

You could go for something like “We aren’t close because he didn’t raise me, but I like to visit sometimes” or “I spend more time with him now than he did with me as a child, but I guess that doesn’t equate to many visits” or “all families are different, we aren’t close, my mum raised me”

I don't visit. No backstory; good parent etc, but they have absolutely no idea who I am, or the kids, and haven't done for at least a year.

I'm sure lots of people think I'm an absolute cunt for not going. I know it's selfish and that all my reasons sound like excuses (home is an hour away; i work until 7or 8 most nights etc). But as far as I'm concerned, the parent is already dead to me, it's just a case of the body catching up. I've done my grieving.

I am sorry that this has upset you and you have every right to find it an unpleasant comment. Sometimes people should learn to keep silent and they don't know what relationships are like between relatives for many different reasons

Just before covid I had a colleague and her MIL was dying in a hospice. She spent every evening with her MIL at the hospice supporting both her husband and children.

On the Saturday afternoon she popped in with something she had taken home to launder - was there literally 20 minutes as they had been there most of the morning.

As she was leaving, she signed out - the volunteer took it upon themselves to comment on what a short visit it was with a snotty voice.... This upset my colleague as she was run ragged with everything and a dying MIL who she loved and wanted to take care of. People need to stop and think about the fact they might not know the full story and best to keep thoughts to themselves for that very reason

Some people just talk and talk and talk, they have to fill the air with something. Just mmm and ahhh and don’t let it consume you.

Your decision to visit a relative can be based on many things such as your relationship with them and distance, but whether they havr dementia or not should have no bearing on that decision.