Being judged for not visiting Dad in care home.

[YouKnowNothingAboutUs]

If you have a relative in a home, do you judge the relatives of other residents if you don’t see them often? Well please don’t!

Just ranting really.

Visiting DF today in his dementia home. A relative of another resident (she was visiting her husband) commented ‘I’ve not seen you before. I’ve never seen anyone visit Richard’.

I actually saw her a fortnight ago and I said hello then.
My usual day to visit is a Friday after work, rather than a weekend, so if she doesn’t visit at 3pm on Friday she won’t see me often.

However, I actually don’t visit often for numerous reasons.

Firstly he didn’t give us so much as a backwards glance after my DP got divorced.
We had little contact from around age 10 and when I was around 18 years old he moved abroad.
He has never known when our birthdays are or how old we were.
She asked if I was Jane. I’m not Jane. Jane is the first born and golden child. Everyone in the home knows about Jane.
He actually has 3 children but no one will have heard about myself or our other sibling.
When he moved abroad I did visit him age around 20.
I then visited him a further 4 times over the years taking DH, then DC to meet him. Expensive, long flights when we are not high earners. He never visited the U.K.
Jane never flew over to visit him, our other sibling went three times.
Finally around 12 years ago he returned to the U.K. for good. He lived quite close to Jane so visited her often. I think in the last 12 years he had visited my house twice.
He never phoned and the only time I saw him was when I drove the 100 mile round trip to see him, the only time I spoke to him was when I called him.
I have a number of chronic health conditions that mean I am in pain, I am exhausted, I struggle working part time, I’m a carer for my terminally ill DH and we have a child with SEN.
So, visiting someone who I happen to be related to, but who never gave me much thought, is never the top of my list.
My siblings don’t visit.
I go as a duty visit.
I go when the guilt I feel about another human being being in such an awful place gets too much.
He is my father who I desperately wanted the father daughter relationship with, that other people have had with theirs, but I will never have. I mourn for this often, and have done for decades, but I don’t need to be judged by someone who very obviously had a different relationship with their father.

Not sure if I feel better or worse for getting that off my chest tbh. All I keep hearing in my head is ‘I’ve never seen anyone visit Richard’.

How ridiculous! My DM has two regular visits each week on different days for an hour at a time. Anyone visiting outside those two times probably wouldn't have seen her with a visitor. I have a friend whose MiL is in the same home and over the course of two years we have bumped into each other twice even though we both visit every week.

Don't feel guilty about your visits to someone who has treated you so badly and don't let the words of a stranger who doesn't know you add to any stress or upset you feel.

I work in a care home and never judge a family who don't visit. If I hear anyone judging I mention that you never know how someone was with their family in the past, they could have been an awful parent, even if they are now nice in their twilight years. So don't judge you never know.

What a vacuous woman she is. OP I think you are wonderful going at all. That your siblings sing go really speaks volumes about DF.

If you see her again you could always go on a tirade as above. Or smile knowingly to yourself and say something along the lines of how is Johns wife, she didn't look well when I saw her yesterday

Better still walk away safe in the knowledge that her opinion of the collective universe is about as important as her opinion on HP or ketchup.

Chin up OP

She’s hit a nerve. You don’t owe her any explanation.

People should never judge ,they don't know the circumstances, my estranged Father in law died in July and my dh has reluctantly had to deal.with his estate sand his belongings I have no.doubt my Late father in law ,s neighbours judged Dh ,for never having visited his Dad when. he was alive and only meeting Dh,when his Dad died
What they won't know of course is his Dad couldn't be bothered with either of his kids once he split from.their.mum and met a new much younger partner and had never met any of his six Grandchildren ,in fact he didn't even go to his Daughters funersl when she died suddenly a few years ago My Dh, as only dealt with his estate because there was no.one else willing or able to.and he was his next of kin ( his dads partner left a few years ago.)

Don't worry about it. If you want to it's fine to tell her he was a terrible father and is lucky I visit at all.
Hospitals are full of old men that were shitty to their families, and get no visitors

Its not selfish at all.I worked in Dementia care for many years its must heart breaking for your parent not to recognize you
Even if you did visit who would it help.?They sadly have no idea who.you are and it wouldn't do.your mentsl.health much good .

I got along fine with my dad. Since his dementia advanced, my visits ended up distressing him, and therefore distressing me. I no longer do the "duty" visits. Sympathies for everyone else in that position, and the dementia is 100% relevant here.

I didn't visit my grandpa much when he went in to a home following a severe stroke. Mainly because it somehow damaged his memory and cognitive fuction so much he thought he was in his early fifties again. He couldn't recognise his young adult grand children or understand why these people were visiting him. Our visits used to really upset and distress him and us.

Really? If you went into a care home and were still more or less compos mentis you'd be perfectly happy for your husband to bugger off and never see you again?

I do think the other visitor is getting far too much abuse for a single comment in passing that the OP has chosen to interpret as a personal attack. If your life revolves around visits to a nursing home it's natural to wonder about the lives of other residents and their absent families, and a simple statement of fact (albeit mistaken/forgetful) can accidentally come out as a dig.

Just as she doesn't know what's going on in the OP's life, nobody on this thread knows what's going on in hers, but the odds are that it's a probably bit shit.

A simple "oh, I normally visit at a different time of the week so I guess we never overlap" would have been a good answer if you understandably didn't want to go down the full "some parents reap what they sow" route.

I'm shocked at posters with parents who were good to them who say they wouldn't or don't visit if their parent has dementia.

I think I'd have to visit to make sure they were well cared for. It seems really heartless never to see them at all.

I'm not talking about posters who have awful parents, here.

Good point. Even if they don't recognise you many dementia patients will welcome a visit from a cheerful chatty person even if they haven't a clue who they are, but even if they don't enjoy your visits it's important to check that they're being cared for properly.

@OhComeOnFFS It might seem heartless. I'm sorry if it does. But it's also really distressing to see your dad upset when a "stranger" interrupts his day. He's been in the home for nearly 10 years and I know it's a good one. Thankfully his financial situation is (now) OK but I have a separate thread about that.

People are so so judgemental especially when they don’t know the full story. I hear this a lot from nurses re visitors and I have said we have absolutely no idea of the background and relationship behind each person . I felt something similar recently. I have a pretty much non existent relationship with my mother , I wish it wasn’t like this and I’ve tried hard . I was frequently ignored for weeks as a teenager over minor teenagery behaviour, had some awful things said to me when I was young and as a teenager . I had thrush once as a result of using antibiotics and was called a slut amongst other things , v v odd behaviour. Some minor physical stuff too. I was fckn miserable as a teenager and largely down to being on the receiving end of awful behaviour. Now my mother is a mellow , lovely older woman. Funnily enough she spent absolutely no time with me and my dcs , when I had three under 5 no one helped ever , had to bring kids into a dental experience with dry socket , smears etc , no one helped .
I know some plp think I should visit more as my parents are older . I’m more than happy to help physically or with cleaning (I was always v well looked after physically) but there’s a big awful emotion gulf there especially now as my dcs are getting to the age I was when I remember some awful behaviour and ironically I can’t usually due to no childcare .
I know there was a comment from a cleaner they had about noone helping them (this isn’t true anyway ) and I just thought how judgemental of them when they know nothing about us.
Sorry to go on . It’s v v hard op but others can think what they want . You already have enough on your plate.

I'm sorry she upset you OP. You're doing a lot more than I probably would under the circumstances. Especially hard as I know care homes of the type are not easy places to visit

I used to visit my Mum about three times a week in her dementia care home -- I'm not boasting here, it was nearby but nontheless it was a real chore and I used to get away as quickly as I could.
I felt judged by the care home staff. (And plenty of the residents had no visitors at all! ) But little and often worked for me.
It's a very difficult situation, I feel every sypmathy for you. I would have said something back to the lady like 'oh, are you John's relative? I haven't see you before. I'm usually here on Fridays after 3 pm.'
But it's so galling having to justify yourself!

Gran had dementia.

At one point she was telling people we never visited (we lived 300 miles away) when we came every weekend.
Another period when we were on holiday and didn't visit at all she told all the visitors we came every single day and they'd just missed us.

Things are confused with dementia.

She is a busybody, but also a busybody with a bad memory! I suspect that the combination has probably made her unpopular before now.

Don't let this awful woman have you doubting yourself. Those of us with unfortunate childhoods, or even just some kind of imagination can imagine there could be many reasons people do not appear to visit often.

Well done for even visiting at all in the circs. Many people wouldn't

Nonsense. It's a very valid consideration when deciding how to spend one's limited time.

The other relative would have to be there a lot to catch you visiting ! So it's a bit daft for them to say that.

Aside from that people do seem to think old people are all nice especially when they become vulnerable through illness. Obvs this can make you re evaluate some stuff but just because somone is old it doesn't change how they've treated you. You don't owe him visits.

I.think unless you have been in that situation you have no.right to.judge anyone
My parents do.not have dementia although they are elderly and frail.and I visit them often but when I was a nurse and worked in Dementia care I often saw relatives some came often ,some didn't ,to see their relatives who were at end stage dementia and didn't recognize them ,the patients are sadly to.far gone for the visits to.be in anyway meaningful for them ,its often heartbreaking for relatives if they can't cope with seeing their loved ones like that who are you to judge ?
It,s very much an individual.decision..

Oh @YouKnowNothingAboutUs that sounds tough. So many fathers don’t realise that they reap what they sow with their children - your father is lucky to have you!

I think you could just ignore the other visitor, or perhaps a short sharp answer” I see my father most Fridays but my husband is terminally ill , so sometimes it’s difficult. “

That should stop prying judgement

I do think the other visitor is getting far too much abuse for a single comment in passing that the OP has chosen to interpret as a personal attack

It wasn’t the only comment, we were chatting for a couple of minutes. She even directed some comments to DF. I’m angry. She’s opened up a lot of old wounds when I’m already dealing with enough with DH’s health. She’s had a lot more years with her DH than I’m going to be getting with mine. Yes, it’s pretty awful she has to deal with it, but at least I didn’t actively choose to make her day more awful, like she did with me.

Dementia is appalling cruel, I’ve already had 2 grandparents suffer. When, or if, it gets to the point he doesn’t know who I am, I will at least feel able to not have to go at all.

I’m sorry there are so many of you who totally understand what it feels like to have parents who have been lacking in some way , or even downright cruel or abusive. Thank you all for being so sympathetic and for offering kinds words and sharing your experiences. It really has helped.

My god this volunteer should have had an absolute bollocking. It should be a part of all training that you do not, ever, make these comments, for all the reasons mentioned- just like you would not, ever, give less care to someone because they don’t have close family. You don’t assume.