Being judged for not visiting Dad in care home.

[YouKnowNothingAboutUs]

If you have a relative in a home, do you judge the relatives of other residents if you don’t see them often? Well please don’t!

Just ranting really.

Visiting DF today in his dementia home. A relative of another resident (she was visiting her husband) commented ‘I’ve not seen you before. I’ve never seen anyone visit Richard’.

I actually saw her a fortnight ago and I said hello then.
My usual day to visit is a Friday after work, rather than a weekend, so if she doesn’t visit at 3pm on Friday she won’t see me often.

However, I actually don’t visit often for numerous reasons.

Firstly he didn’t give us so much as a backwards glance after my DP got divorced.
We had little contact from around age 10 and when I was around 18 years old he moved abroad.
He has never known when our birthdays are or how old we were.
She asked if I was Jane. I’m not Jane. Jane is the first born and golden child. Everyone in the home knows about Jane.
He actually has 3 children but no one will have heard about myself or our other sibling.
When he moved abroad I did visit him age around 20.
I then visited him a further 4 times over the years taking DH, then DC to meet him. Expensive, long flights when we are not high earners. He never visited the U.K.
Jane never flew over to visit him, our other sibling went three times.
Finally around 12 years ago he returned to the U.K. for good. He lived quite close to Jane so visited her often. I think in the last 12 years he had visited my house twice.
He never phoned and the only time I saw him was when I drove the 100 mile round trip to see him, the only time I spoke to him was when I called him.
I have a number of chronic health conditions that mean I am in pain, I am exhausted, I struggle working part time, I’m a carer for my terminally ill DH and we have a child with SEN.
So, visiting someone who I happen to be related to, but who never gave me much thought, is never the top of my list.
My siblings don’t visit.
I go as a duty visit.
I go when the guilt I feel about another human being being in such an awful place gets too much.
He is my father who I desperately wanted the father daughter relationship with, that other people have had with theirs, but I will never have. I mourn for this often, and have done for decades, but I don’t need to be judged by someone who very obviously had a different relationship with their father.

Not sure if I feel better or worse for getting that off my chest tbh. All I keep hearing in my head is ‘I’ve never seen anyone visit Richard’.

She’s a busy body. Pay her no mind.

you’re doing a nice thing visiting at all.

This is nonsense. My father has dementia and would certainly not want any of his family to see him as he is now, he was extremely intelligent and would be devastated (and possibly ashamed, he was quite a proud person, and rightly so) to think he was hurting us by the changes in his behaviour and not knowing who we are now. And this is from someone who adored their parent. Of course we visit - but it is extremely hard for all of us.

i would never want my son to visit me if I had dementia and didn’t know who he was, I would never want to give him that pain, I’d much rather he stayed away and remembered me as his loving mum. You are very wrong.

OP, ignore the comment and don’t beat yourself up, you are doing great.

Please try not to be too upset, I would certainly not judge anyone who does or does not visit an elderly parent as they presumably have their reasons.

Years ago my dd showed me on her Facebook, a local woman was berating the unknown children of an elderly woman on the same ward as her own mother. She made a big song and dance about how ashamed of themselves the children should be for not visiting and how she spent time herself holding the woman’s hand, making conversation etc.

My thoughts were 1) if you want to do something kind for an elderly person go ahead and do it, don’t brag on Facebook about it and 2) you have absolutely no idea why this person had no visitors. I mean yes maybe her kids were horrible and selfish, maybe she was a nightmare parent and anything in between . Nobody knows anyones personal family business and shouldn’t comment.

Went through similar myself and no one had any right to judge me on my relationship with my elderly father.

@Bambooshoot

I have posted in support of the OP.
Her decisions are not based on his dementia and she visits when she can.

So being stressed at visiting a relative makes it ok to snark at or make other visitors feel miserable?

No, anyone dealing with this should get some empathy, especially from those close enough to know how difficult it can be.

How utterly rude of that woman. I’m a big fan of the ‘Paddington hard stare’ in these circumstances and letting her know how rude she was. It might be worth letting the care home know that she’s upset you and they can tell her to pipe down.

@YouKnowNothingAboutUs please note that my comment below does NOT apply to you. As far as I’m concerned, you’re amazing to even go and see him.

@Bambooshoot im 😳😳 at your post tbh.
What you are saying is that it is normal to you that someone who is ill would feel shame about being ill- that’s ableism.
And that someone who is ill, disabled and going towards the end if their life should put other people first ‘as to not hurt them’. Because clearly seing someone who is ill and disabled will be hurtful.

Seriously, the person who has an issue here is you.
The person who needs support is your dad. He will still crave affection and care. But somehow, you think it’s not ok to go and visit him because it might be hard…

As @McIntire said, there are many reasons why you wouldn’t visit a relative. And the OP has many of them. But the fact he has dementia isn’t one if them.

I don't visit my mum very often. She got diagnosed with dementia age 56. We had a complex relationship before that - she loved me, I loved her, but it was a very intense and challenging relationship - Mum had EUPD and needed 24/7 care. A lot of it I'm having to unpack in therapy.

She doesn't have a clue who I am now, I'm not sure when that stopped but I don't think she has known me consistently for at least 2-3 years, maybe longer. She doesn't know I am not visiting her. She can't speak beyond mumbling. She can't walk. She doesn't really respond to touch. Just stares into space or mutters.

I think of her every single day, I miss her incredibly and I'd give anything for her to come back pre dementia - I find myself in tears during the day quite often. I have a photo of her by my bed, but I can't visit her very often.

It's too bloody hard. Each time takes me another 6 weeks to cope with the emotional and physical fallout and the panic that it might be the last visit - the last time I went, I collapsed on the train home from anxiety.

If I asked my mum she'd say not to go. She would tell me to get on with my life, I'm 32, I missed out on a lot of my teens and twenties and I think my mum would be proud that I am trying my hardest to build a different life, in a horrendously difficult situation.

I do feel guilty yes - I get that moment if I'm laughing at something I suddenly think, 'fuck, what am I doing laughing when my mum...' but I'm surrounded by people I trust telling me not to feel that way so I try not to.

I'm only surprised that you visit at all. You would be better spending that time with your partner and children or having some time to yourself, which sounds like it would be well deserved and needed.

Take care of yourself and don't let the ill thought out comments of a stranger bother you. 💐

You don't owe him anything. Or anybody else for that matter.

Dementia isn't always a cuddly granny or grandad in a nice chair playing with a jigsaw and looking at photos from the 50s. Sometimes it is, and we have to hang onto those because it's a truly devastating disease.

It can also be however - biting, scratching, grabbing, swearing, screaming, inappropriate sexual behaviour, cramming food, hitting out, pacing (my mum could get through 15 miles a day), saying things others would find very hurtful, ignoring the visitor completely, becoming distressed by visitors, asking to go home over and over, sleeping through every single visit and only waking when dinner comes round, stripping naked and going for a walk down the corridor, seizures, falls, double incontinence and not knowing/realising or understanding...

It isn't a case of 'it might be hard'.

You have this person in front of you who looks somewhat like your mother, but they're looking at you with pure hatred whilst they're shouting 'and you can f**k right off, this is all your fault' whilst trying to throw a suitcase at you and being held back by two nurses - that was my experience of seeing my mum in hospital the first time.

That wasn't bloody hard, it was traumatising to the point I walked out shaking - even typing that out has me upset. Realising my mum had no clue who I was and was no longer able to love me back.

Nobody should ever, ever be made to feel guilty or wrong for putting themselves and their mental health first.

In that case you're justified in being pissed off.

I still hold that the PP's piling in on the basis of a tiny snapshot were guilty of exactly the same behaviour that they were accusing her of - judging someone who's in a tough situation harshly without knowing what they're actually doing and what the background was.

If either of my parents go into a home,I won't visit or have anything to do with their care

My mother is a narc,my father her enabler and I'm the scapegoat who was only bred to grow up and be their carer in their old age

Fuck em-and if anyone wants to judge me,then fuck them too

I've drawn my line in the sand and my golden brothers can do the donkey work (which will be a shock for them as its been made clear from childhood,it would land on me)

When my darling fil became ill,two years ago,dp and I dropped everything and shot down there (140 miles away) and helped mil to nurse him

He died and we tried to give him the best send off we could

When (if) its my mils turn to get ill or go into a home,I will move heaven and earth for her-nothing will be too much trouble for her (she's the strongest,most warm and loving lady I have ever met-we adore her)

Ditto when it's her time,we will give her the best funeral we can-and like my fil,I will tend her gravestone and plant flowers like she's done for fil and their dd who died before I met her

I won't bother to go to either of my parents funerals-i wouldn't care if my brothers dumped them somewhere grotty and walked away

I'm not getting involved-they've reaped what they've sewn

People can judge all they like-but I don't care

Just ignore the silly cow-when I was 14,my darling and much loved by me grandad ended up in a home

I used to go see him about 4/5 times a week-other family went,maybe once a month

In his notes that where pinned to the wall it read 'Leonards family don't visit much'

What the fuck was I?scotch bloody mist?

My family read this and stepped up to twice a month (big of them) and I still got comments about how I didn't visit enough from the staff

I went as often school allowed-i was 14 years old-and they still commented

Fuck em

I havent read the thread, but you shouldnt be giving this person headspace

And you dont need to justify yourself to this forum.

I stopped visiting when family member no longer remembered who I was. People can judge away if they wish. It was too difficult.

My dad had some incredible years seeing his grandkids growing up. I'd rather they remembered him as cuddly grandpa than the frail shell who can't hear or speak, and who gets distressed and angry when he sees anyone but the nurse, to be honest. I wish I could forget some of the visits I made (without the kids) before I stopped going.

I get that some posters can't imagine that. Judge away.

That's heartbreakingly stoic.

My FIL has dementia, bless him, so I completely understand where you're coming from.

I thought this was going to be about a carer, not a visitor.

I visit my mum infrequently, for similar reasons to you. If a carer said anything, I'd tell them why (not that I'd need to as she treats them like shit, so they'd probably guess). I couldn't care less what any visitor says though, and I'm not sure why you do.

My lovely MIL, 2.5 hours away, however, I continued to visit as often as I could, long after she'd forgotten who I was, and even when she didn't even know there was someone sitting next to her.

Well said @cantstopflashbacks - and sorry you went through that.

My dad went through a sweary and aggressive phase, he is now much calmer but just falls asleep all the time.

I hear you OP, I only visited my DM a handful of times, usually when my DF asked me to.

She didn't really know who I was, she couldn't speak or communicate properly by the end, but before she was in a home I would sit with her if my DF wanted to go out.

She had been pretty unkind to me when I was young and openly preferred my brother and honestly I begrudged the time. I got a few comments along the lines of 'I haven't see you here before' and 'Do you live far away?' (I don't, I lived 10 minutes away), but I just shrugged them off (not always easy I know). I took the view that my DF was my priority and I did whatever it took to help him and make him happy. His was the only opinion I cared about.

Not for you, maybe. Judgy much?

@cantstopflashbacks

DH had a very similar experience with his DM, he bore it stoically - much more than I could have done. A woman from adult social care once visited when he was being scolded and commented that if she had been on the receiving end of such vitriol form her mother she would have found it very hard to ever visit again.

There no 'should' about it. That implies it's wrong to not visit someone, if the only reason for not visiting, is they have dementia. People can not visit someone for any reason at all. For some people, the person having dementia will be enough for them not to visit.

It is none of her business but if anyone says something like that again, I’d say “I visit him more each week than he visited me in the ten years before he moved in here”. That’ll shut them up.

Oh it's so hard when these comments come, and it's always from randoms who don't have a clue. The dreary guilt goes on and on, even though it's amazing you visit at all.

Do what you can and find someone, anyone, who has your back and will listen to your rants (here is good!)

Just to say my greatgrandmother went into an institution aged about 50 and she got one visit a year (she had six children and four siblings). I'm not saying that's all fine but the fact is that people don't go into a home because everything is tickety boo. These are hard, blood sweat and tears situations. Solidarity.