Answering "how are you" with "fine" is such a lie

[Snowboat]

Is anybody actually fine when answering this question? I say "fine" whilst inwardly screaming and shouting "I'M NOT FINE".
If you answered honestly to "how are you?" what would you say?

@Catsmere yes you're right. I think when people ask 'how are you?' It's actually more of a greeting than a question. Odd now I come to think of it!

I know that part of my hatred for the question is probably rooted in ASD. I know intellectually it is nothing but a social convention. People are not allowed to answer the question honestly though. I can’t help but think less of people who ask it.

I don't think it's a hard and fast rule that you have to answer "I'm fine", is it? What's appropriate as an answer will depend on the person asking and the context they're asking in.

If you're meeting a friend you've not seen in a while, then "How are you" is likely to prompt quite a lot of detail about what they've been doing recently and how they're feeling, and further conversation develops naturally from there.

If a colleague who you don't know well personally asks you, then you probably want to keep it much briefer, especially if you're both quite busy just then. Still, there's no reason to have to say you're fine. Some answers- "I'm currently experiencing relentless existential dread", and the like- aren't going to be appropriate, obviously, but there's still probably a fair amount of scope in answering.

The only times I'd reflexively go "I'm fine" are if I really don't want to make conversation or if it's people I've just met and have absolutely no connection to. Even then, if I feel like shit, then I might say something along the lines of "could be better".

There's no one right answer. I know plenty of people who, if asked, will launch into great detail about how they're doing, even if they barely know me. And, unless I'm in a hurry or something, I don't usually mind. I'm obviously not as invested in their lives as they are, but I usually find it interesting to get to know more about people (most of whom don't seem to care that I'm "making a mockery of empathy").

What are you supposed to say when you are asked by a dentist or doctor?
It seems wrong to say 'fine' but seems rude to tell them what is wrong until they ask what is wrong. So, what do you say?

How are you ? Is a greeting it's been around a long time and is generally met with Fine thank you and you?

There can be situations where theres a more significant meaning behind the words. Such as in a counsellor office or two friends/relations who have already greeted each other chatting.

I use to work for Samaritans and there was a fantastic advert about mental health which showed a woman running through a dark wood, there's monsters and people chasing her and she is terrified. She reaches a clearing a man sees her and says "Are you alright?" To which her demeanour totally changes she smiles brightly and says "I'm fine thank you" he walks away, the monsters reappear and begin to chase again.

I say "fine, I think". My niece told me off last time I saw her.

I hate being asked how are you. Maybe it's because I'm autistic, but I find it so hard to reply - I always say fine regardless of how I'm feeling - and have to force myself to ask them back. But if I didn't it'd be seen as rude?! It's just such a non-thing to say that no one replies truthfully but then I'm forced to ask the same question to receive the same lie in return?

I don't understand people sometimes!

If I were to answer honestly…

overwhelmed and on the edge of both coping at all.

but “well, thank you” usually covers it.

my DH knows how I am feeling and is supportive. And my manager knows about the work context stuff and we are working on easing the workload overwhelm.

so it’ll improve. Because I try and be honest with those who are in a position to support me. I save the “fine” answers for those who are only asking to be polite.

I agree with good morning and leave it at that. Anything else really does come across as insincere if you don't know someone well.

"Hanging by a thread" is one I trot out a lot usually around school holidays.

All of you saying that no one wants to actually know... Is that how you feel when you all the question?? Because I don't feel that way.

I only ask if I actually care. So people I genuinely care about, not strangers.

Exactly this.

Only one's therapist wants a truthful response.

Such a big assumption! Don't you care when you ask your friends and family??

If I'm stressed in work, I will say something like, oh you know, living the fucking dream. It depends really, who asks and the circumstances you are in at the time. I genuinely hope people are fine and sometimes people do open up completely. I was at a work outing on Friday and a woman I had never met before proceeded to tell me her whole life story in the 10 minute window between when I was introduced to her and before I had to move on to the next part of the agenda. Her story was heartbreaking and I am still thinking about her. I don't mind that she told me such detail, I just feel helpless as there is nothing I can do to support her, but glad I had 10 minutes to just listen and empathise.

In reply I sometimes say "walking, talking, breathing, eating, that's just about it really".

Plus why are you all being so nice?
At work I hear other colleagues say all of the below:

I've been better.
Same shit, different day.
Another day, another dollar.
I'm fresh out of fucks to give.
Shit. You?

'Fine to middling'

I usually say “good thanks, you?” But lately I feel shit and might throw in the occasional “so-so”.

It depends who is asking , my close friends get the truth (and want the honest answer), people in shops get "fine" etc.

I've been the person who asked and the customer told me their wife had just left them. What was I supposed to say to that?

In Ireland it's grand rather than fine, but yes agree no one really wants to know.

"Grand!" means middling to good. "Oh, y'know, grand, the usual" means not great but I don't want to talk about it and you don't want to listen.

I agree. I hate these insincere social pleasantries, and as I have chronic health issues 'Very well, thank you' is often manifestly untrue.

I usually am fine though so I am answering honestly. I'm lucky to be in good health and don't have much stress in my life.

If I am having a bad day I resort to a sarcastic tone and say "living the dream....."

At least he was being honest! You did ask!