Gender disappointment?

[Floridasun]

Not wanting a bashing thread i actually want to understand.

Anyone who had gender disappointments, was that due to wanting a certain sex from when you were a child? Where does the gender disappointment come from? Is it as simple as wanting both sexes? Or did you have preference for a certain sex due to your up bringing?

A family member is having a fourth boy and disappointed it’s not a girl. I’m struggling to understand and what to say (esp as someone who had losses).

I think it’s different for everyone. I’m pregnant with my 3rd boy and I’ll admit I was devastated- not to be having boys, as I love my sons more than anything on this earth- but because I will never have the chance to have a daughter. I will never raise a child with the shared experience of being female. I’m the last in the line of mothers of daughters that has led to me and will go no further.

For some women it’s also to do with the significance of a mother-daughter bond, be it because they had an amazing one with their own mum that they subconsciously hoped to replicate, or they had a dreadful one and wanted a chance to create a beautiful one with their own daughter.

It’s also hard knowing that I will only ever be a paternal grandparent, and we’ve seen enough MIL-bashing posts on here to know that a mother’s parents almost always have more opportunities to have a close relationship with their grandchildren while the father’s parents are sidelined.

People like to bash women who experience gender disappointment (and for women it is often when they were hoping for a girl and only have boys) and say all we want is a little girl to dress in frilly pink dresses like a doll. but the fact is that there is a significance to female-female relationships and dynamics- look at Mumsnet, populated almost entirely by women who come here to converse, to connect, to seek opinions, advice and interaction with other women. If you could have the same dynamic with a male then what are we all doing here?

All my life, whenever I’d imagined raising my own family, I had imagined a daughter. But she will never exist, and that’s hard for me. It particularly hurts as I am the only one out of all my friends not to have a girl. It’s in no way comparable to losing a pregnancy (and I have experienced that too) but it still feels like a loss, and it is still a kind of grief. Don’t be too hard on your friend if she is struggling with it- it’s an awful feeling as there is also a huge amount of guilt and shame as well.

I don’t know why I wanted a girl so much. I just did and I got her. She is adored and cherished as she would have been if she’d been a boy. I wouldn’t have felt disappointed in a boy for a moment, but I would have felt a sense of loss and mourning for the daughter I didn’t have.

Is that wrong? According to MN it is but I don’t personally think feelings are wrong: it’s when they become words and actions that problems arise.

I don’t know that you need to say much… they are feelings she needs to come to terms with herself. It does seem a little insensitive if she is expecting support from you when you’ve had losses.

I had a bit of a preference for a girl. Yes I know it’s a cliche but I think girls are more likely to stay closer to their mums when they are adults than boys are.

1st DC was a boy and I was okay with that. 2nd DC (am pregnant currently) is also a boy. I never want to say I was “disappointed” in my baby, but if I was given a choice I probably would have chosen a girl.

However as mine are both boys I think they might have a better chance of being close to each other in childhood and adulthood than a boy and girl, so that’s nice.

My gender “disappointment” was very mild though and I’ve put it behind me easily. Some people get really upset about it.

Love the pps and really agree with everything. I worried I wouldn't have children (due to age and constant breakups) so I didn't have a preference and I get where you're coming from. Having said that, I did think 2 boys would be nice (had two girls). There was never any disappointment as I was just so grateful but being honest second time round I was delighted with a girl as I didn't have a close in age sister growing up. My older brother and sister have no relationship and this also influenced me although this is anecdotal. For this reason I do kind of get preferences even if I didn't majorly have one.

p.s. part of my feeling was that I know I only want 2 children, so all being well with this pregnancy, thats it.

I would never try again to get a girl. So it does feel quite final that I will never have a daughter. That potential thought/daydream will never happen.

Ps can I also add that the reason I thought 2 boys would be nice is because I do kind of think it's still a mans world and worry about all the things my girls will have to deal with. I'm always surprised this is never a factor on MN where we see female struggles so much.

Honestly in your shoes I'd steer clear of saying anything. Disappointment about the sex is baffling to me, I think it's a bit cruel to have another child if someone has a sex preference (particularly in your friend's scenario). And I don't want to be this one, but gender is a cultural construction and your child can have freedom to express their gender how they choose, especially in this day a age.

I have 5 boys. I sometimes feel wistful that I will never have a daughter but somehow have always known I was destined to have sons. The disappointment can be really difficult for some people.

What @PinkRoses1245 said.

I think it’s ok to have a preference for one sex over the other for all sorts of reasons, but not if those reasons include outdated gender stereotyping. Neither sex should be constrained by those.

Agreed. I have girls and honestly I would have been disappointed in a boy.

I don’t really know what I would do with a boy 🤷‍♀️ I got lucky I guess.

I thankfully haven’t experienced it, but when you consider that your sex impacts everything from your life expectancy to your potential future earnings, it’s hardly surprising that people might have strong opinions one way or another. The disappointment is a real thing and I think should be acknowledged.

In that specific situation, I wouldn’t say anything.

The reason why one might want a specific sex are extremely varied.
I didn’t really want a specific sex for either of my dcs but for whatever reason, I convinced myself my second was a girl. When we found out, dc2 was a boy, I was disappointed. It took me some time to get my head around it. I was still delighted when dc2 was born and was a boy.
Other people will have their own reasons.

Now in YOUR position, I can totally see it will look really careless, selfish etc..
Probably even more if she knows about your losses too.

And I think regardless of the whys, just acknowledging the disappointment is the best you can do. If that’s too hard (and I get it can be the case, fur very good reasons!!) then I’d stay silent/change the conversation if possible.

My mother had for daughters but really only wanted a boys.
She hated us but adored our baby brother.

I however wanted at least 6-8 boys but i stopped at 2 not risking that.
I do get abit puffffff when i hear that some mums have big family of boys.
Its not that i dont like girls its because i wanted boys.
Now their all grown up but im still the queen in my house.

I've got one of each, the answer to that is easy.

You do the same with each!

OP I think you do nothing.

Saying something is highlighting it and won't help in any way.

You have your own army i wish it was me id love to have had more boys.
They always have mums back when they're older.
I do find that boys are closer to their mums as well.
Your soooooo lucky.

I do find that boys are closer to their mums as well.

My son is definitely more loving and closer to me than my daughter at the moment.

Obviously it's just anecdotal but I remember my neighbour being smug that she was glad she had a girl (I had a boy the same age) because girls are more loving and I did wonder what she was on about.

What is the difference other than genitals when they are little? I have one of each. I don't see why you wouldnt know what to do with a boy other than clean down below differently.

I would have thought after three boys she would know the odds of a girl are pretty low?

I'm excited for my little boy and would be equally excited if it was a little girl!

To me it makes minimal difference. But then again, I love my MIL, she's closer to my DH than I am to my mum. She certainly won't be sidelined in favour of my family. Its all about personality as well. Also my female line is littered with issues such as endometriosis etc which I'm glad my son won't have to deal with. I also guess I don't need to worry about him getting pregnant 🤣 (though will of course be doing everything I can to reinforce principles of safe sex!)

Mine is a mummy's girl but jeeze she is hard work at six. 🤣

It always seems to be a disappointment with boy pregnancies..... I have to admit when I was pregnant with my second I was disappointed with having another boy. At the time, it was because I thought I would have a companion in a girl and could buy cute dresses! The disappointment didn't last long once I found out though. Now I have 3 boys and I love it. They are brilliant companions (and I can buy nice dresses for myself!!) Wouldn't ever change it and wouldn't want it any other way! And I make sure to tell people how lucky I am that I have boys when people tell me to try again for a girl!

I think sometimes 'disappointment' can come simply because someone has envisaged what their life or family is going to look like and it takes time to adjust to a different reality. I know far fewer people who are genuinely disappointed when their baby arrives than people who have had a twinge (or more) of upset when they find out the gender whilst pregnant.

You wait till she's 14!!!

The horror!

I have boys and i think for me its knowing i won't have the mym/daughter relationship again as my mum has died. But thats what i want to replicate, i want my mum again, not necessarily a daughter. I'm happy with my boys.