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Original poster

Gender disappointment?

58 replies

Floridasun · 19/10/2023 13:54

Not wanting a bashing thread i actually want to understand.

Anyone who had gender disappointments, was that due to wanting a certain sex from when you were a child? Where does the gender disappointment come from? Is it as simple as wanting both sexes? Or did you have preference for a certain sex due to your up bringing?

A family member is having a fourth boy and disappointed it’s not a girl. I’m struggling to understand and what to say (esp as someone who had losses).

OP posts:
Houseplanter · 19/10/2023 22:52

What @AngeloMysterioso said. 30 years on I am still sad my life has not included a daughter, despite having the bestest sons ( and daughter in laws)

But then I've never had a lot of things. I can still be happy with my lot

MillicentBystander2022 · 19/10/2023 23:37

@FlyingHighFlyingLow Yeah, I know it's common within some communities. I don't think we're in an area where that applies, though. However, I feel exactly the same about this person as I would in any other circumstances. Makes you wonder just how much girls/women are really valued in the world 😐

lifeturnsonadime · 19/10/2023 23:48

PenguinRainbows · 19/10/2023 18:28

Well no, that’s simply not true at all.

I love purring my girls in marching dresses with pretty accessories. I would never do that with a boy. I love sending my girls to dance and gymnastics. I would never do that with a boy. I love Disney princesses, fairies and unicorns. I would never do that with a boy.

And sure, there will be millions of woke replies of “oh I let my boy wear a dress!” But I would never have allowed that had we had a boy.

Show quote history

You'd never have coped with my daughter.

Refused dresses / skirts from the age of 4 and has worn neutral clothes since and plays cricket at county level.

Do you think children are dolls?

Lavender14 · 20/10/2023 00:03

I thought from the moment I was pregnant that I was having a boy. Then about 3 weeks before our big scan, I convinced myself they were a girl and was looking at dresses etc online. Ds was a boy and I felt really thrown initially. I was raised in a house of all girls apart from my dad and the dog. I'm a real girls girl, never really had friends who were boys etc. So I really worried what I would be like as a mum of boys and would we bond as they got older etc because I'm not remotely into any stereotypically masculine things.

Obviously that's all a load of utter nonsense! But it's the panic I had at the time. Now ds is here and none of that matters. I do feel a lot of responsibility in raising a boy to be a good kind and gentle man that treats women well but doesn't mean there isn't equal responsibility behind raising daughters just maybe in a different way.

I think if you were really convinced it was x and that's what you pictured for 20 weeks to then find out it's y, it can be a little jarring. But for me the feeling went away pretty quickly when I talked to dh about it.

CurlewKate · 20/10/2023 00:53

I thought I was only going to have one child and I wanted a girl so badly. I convinced myself and everyone else I was having a boy because I couldn't bear the thought of any disappointment in the room if it was a boy. I have no idea at all why I felt so strongly. For me there was something primitive about it. I wanted a daughter. Oh, and it wasn't anything about pretty dresses. My dream toddler dd was in Levi's and Timberlands! Sadly my real life DD's first sentence was "I not wear that!" and she was in head to toe sparkle and pink from the moment she could express a preference.....

Cantbelieveit101 · 20/10/2023 01:41

I would acknowledge her feelings and offer your support throughout the rest of the pregnancy.

Littlelionroar1982 · 20/03/2024 08:15

pear6782 · 19/10/2023 16:37

It always seems to be a disappointment with boy pregnancies..... I have to admit when I was pregnant with my second I was disappointed with having another boy. At the time, it was because I thought I would have a companion in a girl and could buy cute dresses! The disappointment didn't last long once I found out though. Now I have 3 boys and I love it. They are brilliant companions (and I can buy nice dresses for myself!!) Wouldn't ever change it and wouldn't want it any other way! And I make sure to tell people how lucky I am that I have boys when people tell me to try again for a girl!

This is my favourite response, I’m really going through it at the moment. 28 weeks pregnant with my second boy and I’ve only just confessed to family I’m heartbroken at not having a girl as this will be my last child, I’m grieving a life I will never have - the relationship I have with my mum sister and grandma is the best and I’m sad that won’t continue with a daughter. This and everything with my pregnancy health has resulted in me being referred to the crisis midwifery team and sadly I’m getting anti depressants later today as I’m so low. I’m convinced the gender disappointment is what’s triggered it but I hope when I hold my baby in my arms it will all go away and it was just hormones messing with me.

Boymum2019 · 10/06/2025 10:12

AngeloMysterioso · 19/10/2023 15:39

I think it’s different for everyone. I’m pregnant with my 3rd boy and I’ll admit I was devastated- not to be having boys, as I love my sons more than anything on this earth- but because I will never have the chance to have a daughter. I will never raise a child with the shared experience of being female. I’m the last in the line of mothers of daughters that has led to me and will go no further.

For some women it’s also to do with the significance of a mother-daughter bond, be it because they had an amazing one with their own mum that they subconsciously hoped to replicate, or they had a dreadful one and wanted a chance to create a beautiful one with their own daughter.

It’s also hard knowing that I will only ever be a paternal grandparent, and we’ve seen enough MIL-bashing posts on here to know that a mother’s parents almost always have more opportunities to have a close relationship with their grandchildren while the father’s parents are sidelined.

People like to bash women who experience gender disappointment (and for women it is often when they were hoping for a girl and only have boys) and say all we want is a little girl to dress in frilly pink dresses like a doll. but the fact is that there is a significance to female-female relationships and dynamics- look at Mumsnet, populated almost entirely by women who come here to converse, to connect, to seek opinions, advice and interaction with other women. If you could have the same dynamic with a male then what are we all doing here?

All my life, whenever I’d imagined raising my own family, I had imagined a daughter. But she will never exist, and that’s hard for me. It particularly hurts as I am the only one out of all my friends not to have a girl. It’s in no way comparable to losing a pregnancy (and I have experienced that too) but it still feels like a loss, and it is still a kind of grief. Don’t be too hard on your friend if she is struggling with it- it’s an awful feeling as there is also a huge amount of guilt and shame as well.

I really feel you. I found out today I’m pregnant with my second boy and I’m heartbroken but couldn’t put my finger on why. This is my last baby so I know I’ll never have a daughter now and it’s hurts so much. I know this is an old post but I just wanted to thank you as reading this really helped me understand what I was feeling and to hear from someone another woman and mother that it’s ok to feel this way. Rather than to get slated for it. So thank you. I hope you are all doing well xx

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