Page 2 | Gender disappointment?

Floridasun · 2023-10-19T12:54:30+00:00

Not wanting a bashing thread i actually want to understand. Anyone who had gender disappointments, was that due to wanting a certain sex from when you were a child? Where does the gender disappointment come from? Is it as simple as wanting both sexes? Or did you have preference for a certain sex due to your up bringing? A family member is having a fourth boy and disappointed it’s not a girl. I’m struggling to understand and what to say (esp as someone who had losses).

ginandtonicwithlimes · 19/10/2023 16:39

lifeturnsonadime · 19/10/2023 16:38

You wait till she's 14!!!

The horror!

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I will stock up the gin ha. I am one of six girls. 😬

lifeturnsonadime · 19/10/2023 16:41

ginandtonicwithlimes · 19/10/2023 16:39

I will stock up the gin ha. I am one of six girls. 😬

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Classic Film Drink GIF by Warner Archive

Oh you KNOW!

Good luck!

Original poster

Floridasun · 19/10/2023 16:42

lifeturnsonadime · 19/10/2023 16:31

OP I think you do nothing.

Saying something is highlighting it and won't help in any way.

I don’t want to say anything but she’s commenting on it and I feel awkward as I don’t know what to say. Hence im wanted to try and understand it a bit better

OP posts:

lifeturnsonadime · 19/10/2023 16:45

Floridasun · 19/10/2023 16:42

I don’t want to say anything but she’s commenting on it and I feel awkward as I don’t know what to say. Hence im wanted to try and understand it a bit better

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I think all you can do then is listen and make sympathetic noises. You can also point out that having a baby girl isn't a guarantee that that there will be an idillic mother/ daughter relationship if you feel she's receptive to that kind of thing.

She is grieving a relationship she will never experience, I do get that and her feelings are valid.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/10/2023 16:48

Everyone’s allowed preferences

dont engage too much; listen and if you have to say anything, “every baby’s a blessing” “sure you won’t worry about that once your boy is here” will do.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 19/10/2023 16:49

AngeloMysterioso · 19/10/2023 15:39

I think it’s different for everyone. I’m pregnant with my 3rd boy and I’ll admit I was devastated- not to be having boys, as I love my sons more than anything on this earth- but because I will never have the chance to have a daughter. I will never raise a child with the shared experience of being female. I’m the last in the line of mothers of daughters that has led to me and will go no further.

For some women it’s also to do with the significance of a mother-daughter bond, be it because they had an amazing one with their own mum that they subconsciously hoped to replicate, or they had a dreadful one and wanted a chance to create a beautiful one with their own daughter.

It’s also hard knowing that I will only ever be a paternal grandparent, and we’ve seen enough MIL-bashing posts on here to know that a mother’s parents almost always have more opportunities to have a close relationship with their grandchildren while the father’s parents are sidelined.

People like to bash women who experience gender disappointment (and for women it is often when they were hoping for a girl and only have boys) and say all we want is a little girl to dress in frilly pink dresses like a doll. but the fact is that there is a significance to female-female relationships and dynamics- look at Mumsnet, populated almost entirely by women who come here to converse, to connect, to seek opinions, advice and interaction with other women. If you could have the same dynamic with a male then what are we all doing here?

All my life, whenever I’d imagined raising my own family, I had imagined a daughter. But she will never exist, and that’s hard for me. It particularly hurts as I am the only one out of all my friends not to have a girl. It’s in no way comparable to losing a pregnancy (and I have experienced that too) but it still feels like a loss, and it is still a kind of grief. Don’t be too hard on your friend if she is struggling with it- it’s an awful feeling as there is also a huge amount of guilt and shame as well.

I really hope I can reassure you. I have two DD and one DS, though I would have been very happy to have had a third DD. I'm very close to all my DC and also very close to my DIL - she honestly is like another daughter to me, and as close to my DDs as another sister. There's so
much MIL bashing on here, but I don't think we always get to hear the positive stories.

Overthebow · 19/10/2023 16:57

Sometimes it’s completely irrational. I was a bit disappointed when I found out my second is going to be a boy. I already have a girl and I am just used to her and she’s everything to me. In my head I know having a boy will be no different, and I will love him just as much. For me it’s not a big or girl thing, if my first had been a boy I would have felt the same if my second had been a girl.

MammaTo · 19/10/2023 18:23

AngeloMysterioso · 19/10/2023 15:39

I think it’s different for everyone. I’m pregnant with my 3rd boy and I’ll admit I was devastated- not to be having boys, as I love my sons more than anything on this earth- but because I will never have the chance to have a daughter. I will never raise a child with the shared experience of being female. I’m the last in the line of mothers of daughters that has led to me and will go no further.

For some women it’s also to do with the significance of a mother-daughter bond, be it because they had an amazing one with their own mum that they subconsciously hoped to replicate, or they had a dreadful one and wanted a chance to create a beautiful one with their own daughter.

It’s also hard knowing that I will only ever be a paternal grandparent, and we’ve seen enough MIL-bashing posts on here to know that a mother’s parents almost always have more opportunities to have a close relationship with their grandchildren while the father’s parents are sidelined.

People like to bash women who experience gender disappointment (and for women it is often when they were hoping for a girl and only have boys) and say all we want is a little girl to dress in frilly pink dresses like a doll. but the fact is that there is a significance to female-female relationships and dynamics- look at Mumsnet, populated almost entirely by women who come here to converse, to connect, to seek opinions, advice and interaction with other women. If you could have the same dynamic with a male then what are we all doing here?

All my life, whenever I’d imagined raising my own family, I had imagined a daughter. But she will never exist, and that’s hard for me. It particularly hurts as I am the only one out of all my friends not to have a girl. It’s in no way comparable to losing a pregnancy (and I have experienced that too) but it still feels like a loss, and it is still a kind of grief. Don’t be too hard on your friend if she is struggling with it- it’s an awful feeling as there is also a huge amount of guilt and shame as well.

This is really lovely. Worded so well.

PenguinRainbows · 19/10/2023 18:28

lifeturnsonadime · 19/10/2023 16:30

I've got one of each, the answer to that is easy.

You do the same with each!

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Well no, that’s simply not true at all.

I love purring my girls in marching dresses with pretty accessories. I would never do that with a boy. I love sending my girls to dance and gymnastics. I would never do that with a boy. I love Disney princesses, fairies and unicorns. I would never do that with a boy.

And sure, there will be millions of woke replies of “oh I let my boy wear a dress!” But I would never have allowed that had we had a boy.

Aria999 · 19/10/2023 18:35

There are a lot of threads on this.

I think this

For some women it’s also to do with the significance of a mother-daughter bond, be it because they had an amazing one with their own mum that they subconsciously hoped to replicate

is probably the reason I wanted a daughter, my mum died when I was 30 (before my kids were born)

I am very close to my son and feel no favoritism but I am still glad DD2 was a daughter.

35and3 · 19/10/2023 18:35

I have three kids, 2 girls and a boy. If my first two had been boys, id have been desperate for a girl. But as id had two girls first I honestly didn't mind.

PecanPeach · 19/10/2023 18:52

It's weird, as I know it's such a blessing to have a child but I definitely had a preference for a girl. I can't even explain why, I just did.

Haven't mentioned it to anyone in real life for obvious reasons as I don't think it should be a thing but it clearly is for a lot of people. I have friends who have cried for weeks when they found out what they were having.

Also, and it's a small sample but whenever I've spoken to mums about sex disappointment it's tends to be disappointment with having a boy. I wonder if you asked dads if would be the other way round, and people have a preference for a child the same sex as them?

Needless to say this is prior to the baby arriving, I think as soon as they are here it all goes out of the window.

TheSweetEndOfTheLollipop · 19/10/2023 19:39

I agree, I'm closer to DH's mum than my own!

TheSweetEndOfTheLollipop · 19/10/2023 19:40

Sorry that was for @onlyoneoftheregimentinstep

ginandtonicwithlimes · 19/10/2023 20:03

PenguinRainbows · 19/10/2023 18:28

Well no, that’s simply not true at all.

I love purring my girls in marching dresses with pretty accessories. I would never do that with a boy. I love sending my girls to dance and gymnastics. I would never do that with a boy. I love Disney princesses, fairies and unicorns. I would never do that with a boy.

And sure, there will be millions of woke replies of “oh I let my boy wear a dress!” But I would never have allowed that had we had a boy.

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Why wouldn't you? Most boys go through wanting to try dresses on. What is the issue? Afraid it will turn them gay? I wonder what would happen if you had a girl who wanted to play football and get dirty like my daughter.

MillicentBystander2022 · 19/10/2023 20:14

I was slightly disappointed for a second when my scan showed I was having a girl, but only because I always wished I had an older brother and so wanted a boy first. I wasn't disappointed to be having a girls full stop.

I know someone who last week was suppose to be having an abortion. They had left it really late (17 weeks). The abortions was cancelled when she had a private scan to check the sex and it was a boy. 😪 made me really angry.

ShowOfHands · 19/10/2023 20:21

I was worried about having a girl as my only experience of a mother daughter relationship had been fraught and I didn't feel that I'd navigated it and escaped unscathed.

My first was a girl and she is the person I was meant to raise. She has reframed my experience of mother daughter relationships and I am endlessly grateful to have loved her first.

Now I love her brother too and he has taught me different lessons.

It's worry about that which you cannot yet parse or fear about your previous experiences being echoed or not echoed through your future. Parenting is about legacies: carrying them on; breaking them; avoiding them. We are human and try and make sense of things by predicting patterns. Sometimes, that translates into fixating on an ideal. Happily, parenthood doesn't fit into those neat boxes and I like the fact that our children teach us this.

It is also different raising boys and girls respectively. I am fiercely proud of my womanhood and it's an experience to share it with my own girl. But, equally, I am fiercely committed to raising a boy who can navigate the world as it is presented to him. It's different. Equally magnificent, but different.

SahliJ · 19/10/2023 20:29

PenguinRainbows · 19/10/2023 18:28

Well no, that’s simply not true at all.

I love purring my girls in marching dresses with pretty accessories. I would never do that with a boy. I love sending my girls to dance and gymnastics. I would never do that with a boy. I love Disney princesses, fairies and unicorns. I would never do that with a boy.

And sure, there will be millions of woke replies of “oh I let my boy wear a dress!” But I would never have allowed that had we had a boy.

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My boy dances, sings, acts, dresses up.

He loves house plants and shopping, especially charity shops.

He enjoys sewing, using my machine. He crochets, bakes and cooks.

He is fantastic company.

Like any of us, he is an individual.

You have a very stereotypical view.
What if your daughter hadn't liked ‘pink and princesses’?

Unless you are joking, if course…🤔

FlyingHighFlyingLow · 19/10/2023 20:29

MillicentBystander2022 · 19/10/2023 20:14

I was slightly disappointed for a second when my scan showed I was having a girl, but only because I always wished I had an older brother and so wanted a boy first. I wasn't disappointed to be having a girls full stop.

I know someone who last week was suppose to be having an abortion. They had left it really late (17 weeks). The abortions was cancelled when she had a private scan to check the sex and it was a boy. 😪 made me really angry.

In some trusts they won't tell you sex of the baby at all. They are often in areas with high levels of residents from cultures which hugely favour boys, in case they abort if they're told it's a girl.

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 19/10/2023 20:38

I had a boy first and when I was 20 weeks pregnant with my second baby I found out I was having another boy. I was very upset and I was fighting back tears when the sonographer told me and it took a good week before those difficult feelings started to ease.

My upset wasn’t because I didn’t want another boy, but it was because I knew this would be my last baby and I felt sad that I would never experience having a daughter.

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 19/10/2023 21:05

I didn't experience it but I wonder if I would have if my twins hadn't turned out to be one of each. My first baby was a boy and I adored and adore him, so I felt kind of relaxed about baby 2. Then when I found out it was twins (and at least one boy because I had genetic testing at 10 weeks), I knew they would be my last babies. I sort of convinced myself it would be 3 boys and was happily surprised when they told me one baby was probably a girl. Not overjoyed but definitely happy, maybe a little relieved.

Would I have been disappointed with 3 boys?? I don't honestly know. I was so happy with my first son that I couldn't imagine caring about it that much. But then there was that flush of happiness to have a girl ... Why? I also think it's because I hope to relate to her in a unique way, perhaps be there for her one day as she experiences pregnancy and motherhood. But no guarantee of that!

She's nearly 4 now and I love her just the same as my sons. And so far really very little difference apart from a collection of hair bows and a unicorn obsession gleaned from school. They're each their own unique personalities and I can't imagine any of them other than how they are.

FreddiesTeeth · 19/10/2023 21:09

AngeloMysterioso · 19/10/2023 15:39

I think it’s different for everyone. I’m pregnant with my 3rd boy and I’ll admit I was devastated- not to be having boys, as I love my sons more than anything on this earth- but because I will never have the chance to have a daughter. I will never raise a child with the shared experience of being female. I’m the last in the line of mothers of daughters that has led to me and will go no further.

For some women it’s also to do with the significance of a mother-daughter bond, be it because they had an amazing one with their own mum that they subconsciously hoped to replicate, or they had a dreadful one and wanted a chance to create a beautiful one with their own daughter.

It’s also hard knowing that I will only ever be a paternal grandparent, and we’ve seen enough MIL-bashing posts on here to know that a mother’s parents almost always have more opportunities to have a close relationship with their grandchildren while the father’s parents are sidelined.

People like to bash women who experience gender disappointment (and for women it is often when they were hoping for a girl and only have boys) and say all we want is a little girl to dress in frilly pink dresses like a doll. but the fact is that there is a significance to female-female relationships and dynamics- look at Mumsnet, populated almost entirely by women who come here to converse, to connect, to seek opinions, advice and interaction with other women. If you could have the same dynamic with a male then what are we all doing here?

All my life, whenever I’d imagined raising my own family, I had imagined a daughter. But she will never exist, and that’s hard for me. It particularly hurts as I am the only one out of all my friends not to have a girl. It’s in no way comparable to losing a pregnancy (and I have experienced that too) but it still feels like a loss, and it is still a kind of grief. Don’t be too hard on your friend if she is struggling with it- it’s an awful feeling as there is also a huge amount of guilt and shame as well.

You've written exactly what I have felt and wanted to say. Thank you.

IsThePopeCatholic · 19/10/2023 21:36

I love purring my girls in marching dresses with pretty accessories. I would never do that with a boy. I love sending my girls to dance and gymnastics. I would never do that with a boy. I love Disney princesses, fairies and unicorns. I would never do that with a boy.

wow! Is this for real? Did feminism never happen?

AnotherSkipper · 19/10/2023 21:39

I knew I wanted children my whole life, and that positive pregnancy test didn’t arrive until after a long long time of trying and heartache. And I was terribly anxious and had a lot of scares along the way, so of course all I wanted was for the pregnancy to continue and for a healthy baby to arrive safely at the end of it.

But honestly, somewhere deep down I knew I really wanted a girl. I would only be having one so I wouldn’t get to try again for my girl. I don’t know why, it wasn’t even really a conscious thing. I adore both my nieces and nephews equally, had no desire to dress her up like a doll and wasn’t imagining particularly ‘girly’ things. In fact I knew I’d want to really avoid any of those stereotypes. But when I pictured myself with a baby I pictured a girl.

It’s why I didn’t find out the sex - I didn’t want to risk being disappointed but knew once the baby safely arrived I wouldn’t feel that way.

Hugely close to my own mum and had a great relationship with her, so maybe wanting to recreate that was part of it - she died ten years ago and even just being able to use her name as a middle name was something I really wanted. Also very close to my sisters, whereas my brother was always that bit more distant with both us and my mum. I certainly know that sons can be incredibly close to their mums though - my husband is as was my ex, and my grown up nephews all absolutely adore their mums and spend loads of time with them.

But honestly it wasn’t really rational and there’s no logical explanation that stands up to much scrutiny. It was just how I felt and I felt bad for feeling that way. I managed to entirely convince myself I was having a boy whilst pregnant, and I was actually looking forward to that by the end, so obviously I did have a girl! And she’s utterly adored and it’s everything I hoped - but she would have been if she was a boy I know that now.

Strokethefurrywall · 19/10/2023 22:46

When I found out DS2 was a boy, I grieved. Not because I was having another boy, but because I figured I was only having 2 children and I was mourning the picture in my head that I'd created, with a daughter.

I had not attributed any pre-conceived notions on the sex of my babies, rather I just thought it would be nice to have one of each and now I won't get to experience that. It was never about dressing a baby in frilly dresses or having a "mini me"

But then it changed again because when I considered a 3rd, I would wholeheartedly want another boy to add to the tribe, not a girl.

I was not then, nor will I ever be disappointed in the second son I was blessed with. But I allowed myself time to let go of the imagined picture in my head of what I thought I wanted.