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Original poster

Losing your shit in your 40's

111 replies

LaDamaDeElche · 18/10/2023 08:50

Is anyone else losing their shit in their 40's. I'm 45, I think I'm perimenopausal, I'm drinking too much wine, can't seem to get motivated in life, have a 13 year old who is a nightmare, a DP who also seems to be losing his shit and is so grumpy compared to how he used to be, fed up with my job and just generally feel unsettled and like I can't cope. Is it just me, or is anyone else in the same boat?

OP posts:
Lancasterel · 18/10/2023 12:31

spitefulandbadgrammar · 18/10/2023 10:15

@cocksstrideintheevening I’ve tried ignoring, I’ve tried “dunno, what do you think?”, I’ve tried snapping “stop asking me, I’m not your emotional support brain!” Still keeps at it. It’s like I have zero inner landscape or daydream space anymore because any gap left after the mental load of small children is FILLED with his constant fucking verbal googling.

I keep a list on Notes on my phone called Stupid Fucking Questions.

What time is dinner? (When he’s cooking it, for the DC, who eat at the same fucking time every day)
How much soup should I do for DC?
Shall I post this letter now or later? (It’s his fucking letter, I just hissed at him like an angry goose)
::reading from the meal plan:: Pizza and salad… so shall I put a pizza in the oven and make a salad?
What do we need from the shop? (The stuff on the fucking list)

We have a wall calendar, a shared Google calendar, a shared ongoing shopping list, a meal plan on the fridge, he’s got eyes and a smartphone he’s always looking at, I’m fairly certain it has Google and the weather, but he can’t put a fucking sick on the baby without checking with me first.

Wow I’m angrier than I thought! He also lists his chores at me: so I’m doing a darks wash now and I’ve hung the towels out, I’ll take the recycling out later. Me: I don’t give a flying fuck. Those are his jobs! I have my jobs! I don’t want to think about his too! I don’t send him minutes of my meetings with the dishwasher.

This made me laugh. I can relate!

Sometimes my mum comes over too and adds her ridiculous questions into the mix (how do I reply to an email? Er the same way you have been doing for the last 10 years. Can you order me this from Amazon as I can’t understand how to do it? Yes you can you just don’t want to read the very simple prompts.) and the cats start meowing at me for their dinner whilst the children are asking me where they have put their watch, or their book, or their “favourite fountain pen” and I feel like running for the hills.

Tally00 · 18/10/2023 12:39

Another that says stop the wine, I drank wine until a couple of years ago and could have written your post.
I stopped drinking wine altogether and within 4 months I'd lost 2 stone without trying as it was just wine belly.
I had my energy, clarity and motivation back and felt so much better in my self. To me it was a cure.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 18/10/2023 12:46

Ironically the other day DD was peppering him with questions – did the moon come before the earth? Do farmers have beds? Do cats lay eggs? Can boys have babies? – and I heard something inside him snap as he said, “It’s really hard to think when someone keeps asking you questions!” Think my hollow laugh could be heard from space.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Women's health
BeverlyGoldbergsJumper · 18/10/2023 12:47

Haven’t read the full thread, will have to come back later to catch up, but I couldn’t believe your post. I had been thinking of starting one! It’s like I don’t even recognise myself anymore. I am 46, mid menopause, not allowed hrt and just really struggling. I’m miserable, full of rage, I feel like my kids are horrible, (or they hate me I can’t decide!) my husband is miserable. I’m also now living with a prolapse due to lack of oestrogen and I’m so unhappy all of the time. I’ve just really lost my way. I don’t even socialise anymore as I feel I’m bitter that everyone else seems to be ok.
I have never felt like this before and although I don’t wish it on anyone, I feel a bit less alone thinking there are other people who get it. So Thankyou for that x

LittleMy77 · 18/10/2023 12:59

Ha, yes! I think it’s a combo of hormones (peri) and the age in life where you have more responsibilities-kids, ageing parents, more complex work etc whilst just having to get on with stuff (I don’t mean that in a martyr way)

last weekend I spent nearly all Sunday batch cooking etc and at one point thought “what’s the fucking point? Would anyone notice or care if I didn’t ?” I laid into dh who didn’t lift a finger or offer or even come and chat with me whilst I did stuff (we can’t cook together)

we recently lost my mum and I’ve had enough, but with no space to grieve. I have a new boss with ridiculous expectations and it’s just more of the same shit and having to deal with child like petulant adults at work

im on HRT but that’s not a panacea to all ills - my GP / nurse makes me feel I should be grateful for getting it, even tho i have challenges with side effects and they keep trying to push me to get a Mireya which I absolutely don’t want

Ultimately no one fucking listens, esp as you become more invisible, no amount of HRT will fix that..

BrownTableMat · 18/10/2023 13:04

I’m another one who’s had the joint pain. Arthritis-like pain in my hands and feet (actual arthritis in my big toes). Last year I had to stop knitting as it hurt my hands too much. After a year on HRT the pain in my hands has gone completely and I can now knit again, and my feet are a lot better. I’m 44.

Original poster
LaDamaDeElche · 18/10/2023 13:04

Tally00 · 18/10/2023 12:39

Another that says stop the wine, I drank wine until a couple of years ago and could have written your post.
I stopped drinking wine altogether and within 4 months I'd lost 2 stone without trying as it was just wine belly.
I had my energy, clarity and motivation back and felt so much better in my self. To me it was a cure.

Quite a few people have said this. I think I'll give it a try. It will be quitting drinking all together as I don't drink any other alcohol, so I'm at least going to do it at home. I'll probably still have a glass of I go out, but I don't go out much, so it will basically be like going teetotal anyway 😁

OP posts:
Original poster
LaDamaDeElche · 18/10/2023 13:06

BrownTableMat · 18/10/2023 13:04

I’m another one who’s had the joint pain. Arthritis-like pain in my hands and feet (actual arthritis in my big toes). Last year I had to stop knitting as it hurt my hands too much. After a year on HRT the pain in my hands has gone completely and I can now knit again, and my feet are a lot better. I’m 44.

That's the main think I want HRT for. Mine has been in my hands, but also in my knee too. I've been taking a collagen supplement which has helped, but not completely cured it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaDamaDeElche · 18/10/2023 13:09

LittleMy77 · 18/10/2023 12:59

Ha, yes! I think it’s a combo of hormones (peri) and the age in life where you have more responsibilities-kids, ageing parents, more complex work etc whilst just having to get on with stuff (I don’t mean that in a martyr way)

last weekend I spent nearly all Sunday batch cooking etc and at one point thought “what’s the fucking point? Would anyone notice or care if I didn’t ?” I laid into dh who didn’t lift a finger or offer or even come and chat with me whilst I did stuff (we can’t cook together)

we recently lost my mum and I’ve had enough, but with no space to grieve. I have a new boss with ridiculous expectations and it’s just more of the same shit and having to deal with child like petulant adults at work

im on HRT but that’s not a panacea to all ills - my GP / nurse makes me feel I should be grateful for getting it, even tho i have challenges with side effects and they keep trying to push me to get a Mireya which I absolutely don’t want

Ultimately no one fucking listens, esp as you become more invisible, no amount of HRT will fix that..

The worst thing with me is that my responsibilities haven't really changed, apart from DD's ADHD has be one more challenging as she's become a teen. My parents are young (62 and 64) and still working, my job is stressful, but the same as it has been for the last 8 years - I'm a language teacher, so pretty much the same thing year in and year out. It feels more overwhelming now than it did a couple of years ago though and causes me much more stress, even though the nature of the job hasn't changed.

OP posts:
BrownTableMat · 18/10/2023 13:13

LaDamaDeElche · 18/10/2023 13:06

That's the main think I want HRT for. Mine has been in my hands, but also in my knee too. I've been taking a collagen supplement which has helped, but not completely cured it.

Show quote history

Thanks. Is there a particular collagen supplement you recommend? I might give that a try to see if it helps the arthritis in my feet

Original poster
LaDamaDeElche · 18/10/2023 13:16

@BrownTableMat Mine was prescribed by the doctor. May have a different name in the U.K.

Losing your shit in your 40's
OP posts:
Barbarianmumsy · 18/10/2023 13:33

@Treacletoots unforturnately a lot if this will be caused by the wine ( speaking from experience)

ClematisWren · 18/10/2023 13:51

I had all of this! It crept up on me from around 42years old. I couldn’t work out why the hell my brain didn’t work anymore, or where all the anxiety and insomnia was coming from. I had the cognitive/mood symptoms way before the physical symptoms, so didn’t realise it was peri.

I stopped drinking alcohol and caffeine, which helped, but HRT has been life-changing and I feel like myself for the first time in years, although sadly I can’t seem to lose any weight.

Autumny · 18/10/2023 13:56

Magnesium glycinate is meant to be the best.

I'm struggling too, I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel and can't get off. Sick of being everything for everyone when I'm not fucking well myself. I feel especially bad with my hormones now everytime I ovulate or get a period. I feel like I'm having a breakdown every time and the shorter cycles bring it closer.

Whatthechicken · 18/10/2023 13:58

I'm 45 and very sweary and very angry. I've never been this angry before and I'm trying to channel it. My feelings of anxiety and being unmotivated over the last few years seem to have been replaced very recently with anger and determination - not quite sure what to do with that determination yet. My sleeping patterns are all over the place.

Moredarkchocolateplease · 18/10/2023 14:02

OP the rage doesn't come from drinking too much one night a week. It comes from the crashing of your hormones.

I had it too went to the GP aged 39 as my PMT lasted so long and was so bad.

I'm now 45 and on mirena, patches 100mcg, testosterone and magnesium glycinate tablets every evening.

Sleep like a baby, all the rage has gone, no more crying.

After 6 years I'm a new woman.

Original poster
LaDamaDeElche · 18/10/2023 14:05

Barbarianmumsy · 18/10/2023 13:33

@Treacletoots unforturnately a lot if this will be caused by the wine ( speaking from experience)

How much were you drinking? I don't think a bottle a week is that much, although granted probably not great in one evening. I have six alcohol free days per week.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaDamaDeElche · 18/10/2023 14:05

Autumny · 18/10/2023 13:56

Magnesium glycinate is meant to be the best.

I'm struggling too, I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel and can't get off. Sick of being everything for everyone when I'm not fucking well myself. I feel especially bad with my hormones now everytime I ovulate or get a period. I feel like I'm having a breakdown every time and the shorter cycles bring it closer.

Shorter cycles are a nightmare!!

OP posts:
Original poster
LaDamaDeElche · 18/10/2023 14:08

Barbarianmumsy · 18/10/2023 13:33

@Treacletoots unforturnately a lot if this will be caused by the wine ( speaking from experience)

Sorry, realised you were replying to someone else!

OP posts:
stayathomer · 18/10/2023 14:10

43 and yes, trying at the mo to cut down on screens, eat better and drink more water so I can sleep better but when I read your title I simply said ‘yup!’

Madat54 · 18/10/2023 14:11

I was like you mid forties. Now mid 50's and the symptons aren't so severe aches and pains come and go. However insominia seems to be here for good. No HRT here just magnesium and SAGE.

DeathRattleDazzle · 18/10/2023 14:21

Joint pain is an interesting one - this has crept up and up for me but I thought it was the result of having babies and being a bit unfit.

I'm 39 and have spent the last 2 years on sertraline, which was helpful. I stopped around a month ago and thought I was doing ok but have slowly crept down and down in mood. I'm finding it hard to look forward to anything, or be bothered with anything just now, or be grateful for anything, or to feel happy and relaxed. Unsure what's just low mood and what could be hormonal or if it's some unholy combo of the two.

picturethispatsy · 18/10/2023 14:23

DeathRattleDazzle · 18/10/2023 12:13

@spitefulandbadgrammar

God that is so accurate. The questions. From everyone. All the fucking time.

DH asking me everything obvious like the 'shall I put the pizza in the oven?' type stuff. And it's the pizza I've shopped for, collected, put away, got back out, suggested for tea, got out the fridge and left by the cooker, turning the oven to heat up, and reminding DH to cook it at 5pm because I have to do X. Then 5pm comes and he asks if he should put it in. Yes! Yes put it in the fucking oven! Fucks sake!

3 kids who ask me everything, constantly, even when DH is there, even if he is more likely to know, even if they're halfway through a conversation with him, they'll ask me.

Relatives who ask about everything. What to get for birthdays, and Christmases, and what to bring, and what to take, and what to wear and what to eat and where we're going and what we're doing and where we sit and where we stand and how it works, and how much it costs, etc etc ad nauseum. As though I'm the only person in the universe who can organise anything, or find out any information.

I was cooking fried eggs for breakfast on a recent family holiday (I did all the cooking for 15 people) and my MIL asked me if the egg shells go in the bin. 🤯 Maybe it's genetic.

God this made me laugh so much I even read it out to DH. You just described my life in questions. I’m putting my foot down on this from now on. I don’t know how yet but I am.

DeathRattleDazzle · 18/10/2023 14:35

😁

I've started sometimes saying 'asked and answered' when the kids ask the same stuff over and over. I feel a wee bit bad about this as sometimes they look slightly crestfallen.

DH I've just started shrugging and brightly saying 'you decide darling' when he asks what should be put in the baby's backpack (eh, fecking nappies and wipes maybe, like we've been doing for 8 years now??? Just as a suggestion)

The relatives i don't know. Avoiding them is probably the safest course of action!

CreationNat1on · 18/10/2023 14:38

Some of this is the extra work women do in life in general. I remember being on holidays and random kids with grazed knees coming up to me seeking plasters or solutions in general.

Please find your own parent!!! Grown men and women randomly asking me for plasters, directions. They want a mother figure to mind them.