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Original poster

17 year old ds, weed and not going to school

74 replies

losenotloose · 16/10/2023 22:11

After the hundredth time of catching him smoking weed in his room, I've told him absolutely no money from me anymore. He's told me I better not leave money around because he'll take it. He goes to school when he decides to and the school don't seem bothered. I feel like I'm just waiting for him to move out because he's so unpleasant most of the time. I'm providing him with food for lunch but an example of what he is like is today he ate the wrap that was for tomorrow's lunch. He said to me don't worry I'll just rib it tomorrow from Tesco. I feel ashamed of the way he's turning out.

Please be gentle with me. I honestly feel we've done our best.

OP posts:
Original poster
losenotloose · 16/10/2023 22:12

*rob not rib

OP posts:
Antst · 16/10/2023 22:38

Really, it's your best to let him ruin his brain with weed and ruin his future by not attending school?

You have the power here because you've been providing him with a place to live. If he had had to pay for accommodation and food, he wouldn't be able to afford weed and he might care more about doing well in school.

Where is he even getting the money from for weed? You should be taking it away from him so he can't afford weed. You should be going to the Tesco and telling them to ban him from the store. If he can't get food or afford weed, he might be more respectful to you and buckle down at school or get a job.

Original poster
losenotloose · 16/10/2023 22:44

You have the power here because you've been providing him with a place to live. If he had had to pay for accommodation and food, he wouldn't be able to afford weed and he might care more about doing well in school.

Are you suggesting I should have kicked him out? He's 17. We live in London, if I go in one shop and tell them to ban him he'll go in another.

I have been giving him pocket money and lunch money but no more.

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Original poster
losenotloose · 16/10/2023 22:44

How do you make a 17 year old attend school?

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ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/10/2023 22:46

The school should be chasing much more. I have a 17 year old who is in ASD burnout. She’s not going to school. I have to text every day and they send an inclusion person round every 10 days.

You need the school to be more involved.

Original poster
losenotloose · 16/10/2023 22:51

I actually cannot believe how useless the school are being. I've emailed them this evening asking what their attendance policy is since he's had 13 unauthorised absences since the beginning of October (morning and afternoon are counted separately) and they haven't even contacted me to say he's been absent. If I didn't have the school app I wouldn't even know!

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Antst · 16/10/2023 22:52

losenotloose · 16/10/2023 22:44

How do you make a 17 year old attend school?

You tell him that he is either in school or working full-time or supporting himself. I mean, come on. This is a basic.

I'm frustrated here because what you and his father have done is not fair on him. How is he going to have a stable future when he's frying his brain with weed and not getting a basic education?

If you are letting him avoid school, not work, and spend money on weed, then you are 100% to blame. You need to tell him he can't live at home if he isn't in school or working. If he has money for weed, he's getting it from you (!!) or you're letting him get it elsewhere and are not taking it away. You don't have to wrestle it off him. Don't pay for his lunches and dinners or anything else (including transportation) until he stops wasting money on weed and damaging his brain.

Stealthtax · 16/10/2023 22:52

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Thelnebriati · 16/10/2023 22:54

Back to basics - have you put clear rules and boundaries in place? Have you explained - literally spelled out - the consequences of his behaviour, that he will be jobless and homeless? And have you warned him that you won't enable him or allow him to abuse you?

x2boys · 16/10/2023 22:54

What can school.do really?
At 17 he doesn't have to be there and I assume if he carries on they will.ask him to.leave soon.

Wolfiefan · 16/10/2023 22:56

This hasn’t started at 17 though. What’s led up to it?

smartiecake · 16/10/2023 22:56

If he is 17 I assume that's post 16 education/6th form?
I think they will probably ask you to come in for a meeting soon to tell you they are telling him to leave. Its not mandatory that he attends with them.
Do you have a drug support service in your area? Can you make a referral?
I would stop paying for everything for him, no money, phone etc. I think you may need to take a hard line as he is taking the piss

Original poster
losenotloose · 16/10/2023 22:58

The school should have thrown him out long ago and I wish they had. Right now he gets to not get a job (his excuse is I'm doing my a levels) and not really try. I'm not trying to place blame on the school but it hasn't helped.

It's been a really difficult 18 months, I have struggled with how best to deal with it, trying to keep the peace etc. Clearly it hasn't worked. When I smelt weed last time I went into his room and flushed it down the toilet. And have told him no more money

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Original poster
losenotloose · 16/10/2023 22:59

Maybe cutting off the phone will have to come next. This is so hard. I would never have behaved like this and neither would dh.

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loseweightpleasegod · 16/10/2023 23:01

How is he doing in his A levels? What are his predicted grades?

Original poster
losenotloose · 16/10/2023 23:03

He did very well in his GCSEs, predicted grades were A, C and nothing for third subject as he missed the exam.... twice. He's clever which is part of the problem as he doesn't think he has to try

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Antst · 16/10/2023 23:06

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KeepTheTempo · 16/10/2023 23:07

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and ignore pps who are putting the boot in. One of my cousins was like this - he had 3 diligent siblings, very hardworking and loving family, mum was beside herself.

In my cousin's his case it was mental health issues, in others it seems to be autism or ADHD - I'm sure there are cases of lazy parents who don't care, or feckless kids who just need tough love, but many caring families are left at their wits end.

Agree about the money to a point, but cutting off completely can just end in dealing or more petty theft, or him moving out and sofa surfing with the worst of his mates. A mix of carrot with the stick might be more helpful - giving him the scaffolding to be able to turn it around, but also a firm timeline to do so, and commitments from him on what he will bring. School can help with this, if that's still the right path for him.

What does he say he wants to do?

Original poster
losenotloose · 16/10/2023 23:09

Thank you @KeepTheTempo. He has always said he wants to be an engineer.... until about the last year. He's become really unrealistic, saying he doesn't want to be part of the system, wants to start his own business but no idea doing what. He talks about having a gap year. I've told him that's fine but he'll need to find a job.

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x2boys · 16/10/2023 23:12

losenotloose · 16/10/2023 23:09

Thank you @KeepTheTempo. He has always said he wants to be an engineer.... until about the last year. He's become really unrealistic, saying he doesn't want to be part of the system, wants to start his own business but no idea doing what. He talks about having a gap year. I've told him that's fine but he'll need to find a job.

What about leaving school.and looking at different courses ,there are loads of options post 16 and with decent GCSE,s he might find a, level 3 course he enjoys and motivates. Him ?

Woush · 16/10/2023 23:13

Is he Y12 or Y13?

Does he have a connection with you? He's got to respect you as a first step to establishing rules.

Original poster
losenotloose · 16/10/2023 23:15

I'd be happy for him to do anything as long as he's being productive! He wants to get his a levels.

He's in year 13. The connection is not great at the moment as you might imagine. I try and be positive but it feels almost impossible. He spends most of his time in his room so not a lot of time for conversation.

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Squeakypipster · 16/10/2023 23:16

Have you tried instagiting talks with the school? Although they sound shite for not picking up on the attendance.

Original poster
losenotloose · 16/10/2023 23:20

I had a meeting when he was in year 12 (called by me) regarding his attendance and lack of effort. I told them about the weed use and they didn't seem that bothered. They put him on report for 2 weeks, he stuck to the rules for the duration then went back to old habits. I don't get it.

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Wolfiefan · 16/10/2023 23:21

It didn’t start in Y 12 either. You seem completely focused on his behaviour and the school response. Not how you are parenting your teen.