17 year old ds, weed and not going to school

[losenotloose]

After the hundredth time of catching him smoking weed in his room, I've told him absolutely no money from me anymore. He's told me I better not leave money around because he'll take it. He goes to school when he decides to and the school don't seem bothered. I feel like I'm just waiting for him to move out because he's so unpleasant most of the time. I'm providing him with food for lunch but an example of what he is like is today he ate the wrap that was for tomorrow's lunch. He said to me don't worry I'll just rib it tomorrow from Tesco. I feel ashamed of the way he's turning out.

Please be gentle with me. I honestly feel we've done our best.

It's your house. He is your child. You get to decide whether to talk to him. If you haven't insisted on discussing this situation, then you're not doing your job as a parent. I just can't understand why your priority is being positive and not saving him from himself. It is your job to raise him to be an independent adult.

I’d make him get a job. Time spent in a no qualification job often sharpens the motivation.
Or, he will see that he enjoys work which could motivate him to apply for an apprenticeship

Controversial opinion but I think I would relax about the weed. He smokes weed. He's not going to stop smoking weed if he hasn't got money or because you flush it down the toilet. Remove access to the money and he's likely to start dealing.

I think you need to work on rebuilding your relationship with your son somehow as I think he sees you as the enemy.

So I would back off about the weed and I would probably tell him that you will back off about it and the condition he makes an effort to respect you back ie not stealing money from the house. Tell him you want a truce. Find a connection again. Is there anything he is into that you can suggest doing together a movie night or something? he will probably be very resistant first but I'd just keep trying

I think he won't listen to a word you say about school whilst he sees you as the enemy. So I'd work on the connection first. Then from there maybe you can explore options with him for his future..

Yes smoking alot of weed at 17 isn't ideal but also he won't stop because you don't want him to so if stop hurting heads about it.

It's not just "not ideal," it's likely to damage his brain. A 17 year-old brain cannot handle regular weed use. The weed issue is not about being square, it's about his basic health.

Do you talk to him? Have dinners together?
Do any hobbies or sports together?
Whats happening with his friendship groups?
Is he thinking of uni? Are you planning visits?

Have you sat down and actually listened to why he thinks he needs to smoke weed? Is he anxious? Depressed?

Your posts seem oddly devoid of any detail or indication that you know anything about him?

Unfortunately @Antst lots of kids smoke weed, and also most of them are ok.

I think everyone here agrees that it’s not good for growing brains, but my experience of 2 now young men is not the “just stop” approach

Yeah but he's not going to stop because Mum doesn't like it so that's by the by atm. There is absolutely nothing she can say or do that will make him stop smoking weed and doing stuff like flushing his weed is just going to drive a wedge futher and futher between them. ATM it sounds like their relationship has broke down so much that if he was unfortunate enough to be struggling with an issue related to his weed use or drugs or anything else there is no way he would be honest and talk to her, and he's 17, he could very easily just do one and then she's got zero influence on anything in his life.

So whilst I hear what you are saying I don't see that there is anything to be done about the weed that will benefit the situation as it currently stands.

Again, I don't know how you "make" a 17 year old get a job.

@hamstersarse we talk a lot less than we used to but have the occasional chat. His friends are similar to him, none of them have jobs or make much effort with school. He's not sure about uni, definitely wants to have a gap year and maybe an apprenticeship after that. But he also says he doesn't want to work!

Yes I've asked him if he's depressed and he says no he just likes getting high. I'm not convinced it's as simple as that and definitely think it's become a problem but he doesn't seem to care.

@Universalsnail actually the day after I flushed it down the toilet (this was after many many times telling him not to smoke it in the house by the way) he hugged me and said I'd done the right thing.

She hasn't tried a single thing yet to get him to stop the weed or start going to school. The British "he'll do it anyway" is why alcoholism is such a problem.

It simply isn't true that parenting doesn't work. If she sat him down and explained how concerned she is, how he's throwing away his health and future, how she won't stand by and let it happen, she'd have more of a chance of success than if she continues to do zero as you're suggesting.

If he has no money for weed, he won't be able to buy it. If he understands he'll have no housing or phone if he continues to use weed, he may decide to do things differently. She can set boundaries from a place of love.

Hmm that is interesting and tbh unexpected.
I was a weed smoking teenager and that's absolutely not how I would have acted. I would have lost my shit 😂

The fact he said that makes me think that he actually sees it as a bit of a problem then. Perhaps he is indeed depressed. Is there anything he used to be interested in but doesn't show interest in anymore you could encourage him to pick up again? Perhaps as a joint activity or something.

I also think rebuilding a connection is the starting point. He's not going to care what you think if he just assumes you are the enemy.

But I'd also build in some rules. Compromised rules though. For example:

• no weed in the house, ever. But the Compromise is you won't hassle him about smoking weed outside the house.
• Money is always earnt (you can decide if thats through chores at home, or a weekend job), but it's his to spend as you please when he has it.
• No unearned money for anything. No bus fares, no lunch money (packed lunch instead), no shopping money, no phone money - unless he earns it. He could 'earn' his phone contract cost by not swearing at home, or whatever rule you apply to increase respect.
• Switch the WiFi off at 11pm. Teens have no self control with gaming so take the control for them.
• is he having driving lessons? Make them a reward for something.

Re attendance at school- are you sure he's required in every day? If he's only doing 2 A Levels, he'll have a lot of non contact time and many Y13s don't come in for free periods. That might be why school aren't chasing.

@Antst I don't know why you assume I haven't done anything. I've taken his pocket money off of him then given him second chances. And believe me I've spoken to him until I'm blue in the face about us being worried about his mental health, lack of motivation. Have you had a teen who's addicted to weed? Do you think alcoholism is uniquely British?

He might need a counseller or something to get down to why he is smoking weed does he not have anything better to do, and or have a lot of pressure on him or stress, he needs to learn healthier coping mechanisms

I don't know how you "make" a 17 year old get a job

Teens usually want the money.

Is he having driving lessons?

How will he pay for a car?

I didn't say she should do zero. I said she should work on building a connection with him again as a starting point then have influence over other issues. If she hasnt got a good strong connection with him he probably won't care what she says. She is more likely to have influence over his decisions if he respects her as a person.

Have you got much experience with drug use? As I think some of your post comes across well intentioned but fairly naive. I smoked weed heavily in my teens and quit in my mid 20s. I absolutely would have just got angry with my parents for trying to get me to stop and would have just avoided my parents home and them entirely and stayed out elsewhere. My boyfriend at that times Mum used to really kick off if she smelt us smoking weed in his room, we just eye rolled at her and I had a far better relationship with my Dad (whose was pretty unfazed about it and focussed on a harm reduction response) and felt I could talk to him and I valued his opinion far more then my boyfriends mum cared about what his mum had to say.

Also pretty niave to think if he has no money for weed he won't buy it. He'll just tick it, or even tick a larger amount to sell a few bags to his friends at profit to make the money for his own.

As someone with three close males in my life who all developed some form of paranoia alongside weed smoking (started smoking around mid-late teens), the fact OPs son says he 'doesn't want to be part of the system' is a red flag. I wouldn't take it lightly.

You can't make him do anything, but you need to stop enabling him. Tough love. You need to cut crap. Cut the phone. Cut the money. Cut the easy life. Let him deal with consequences (so far, he's mostly talk anyway), but you need to ensure he knows your position on this: you love him, you're not going to enable him to sabotage his own future, but you're always going to be ready to support him whenever he is ready to talk or change his behaviour. There really could be something more to current behaviour, whatever you do, keep an open invitation for him to talk, once he's ready. For your sake, hopefully it's just a phase/blip that he outgrows.

What @Stealthtax says all the way. What a nightmare for you. I wouldn’t be having mine up in their room doing what they like.. does he have any hobbies? If you suspect MH or learning needs you need to speak to the school/health professional. Simply doing what he wants is unacceptable and is a VERY slippery slope at his age. My dad always said the weed is a gateway drug.

That might actually have the opposite affect
First of all there is nothing wrong with having a minimum.wage job if that's what your implying but also t's quite.a lot of money for a 17 year old with no financial responsibilities and he might decide he prefers the money .

Do you think he could have ADHD?
He seems to want to stop smoking the weed.

Like what's going on with him?
No kid sets out to be a dope smoking waster, they really don't.

He's self medicating with the weed. Would he see a counselor?

Can you afford a private addiction therapist? This is what he needs. He needs to understand he has developed a dependency on weed and he needs to work out why. Do any of his relatives have substance dependency problems?

Do you work OP?

I'd withdraw him from school because if he gets a 'Level 3 qualification' funding for it stops and that qualification could be 2 grade Es.

He needs to contribute to the house in some way, attending a course, working or working around the home.

No driving lessons. We've talked about it but he doesn't seem to have any ambition at the moment. None of his friends are having lessons either and I think that's how he determines if he should bother.

I've got lots of experience with drug use in other people. My mum was a dealer, dad and step dad heroin addicts. And I've tried to be reasonable with him. When it was clear he wasn't going to stop I said not in the bedroom but you can do it in the shed. Look where that's got us! He still smokes in his room anyway.

I'll suggest counseling but I honestly think he'll laugh at that.

@sashh yes, I work.

Good post.

Posting on Mumsnet isn't helpful. Lots of people are too ignorant to understand and think it is simple. It isn't laying the law down can actually make things worse.

Op join parenting mental heatin Facebook and read the book. It is an education and not as ignorant and judgmental as some posts on here.