Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

17 year old ds, weed and not going to school

74 replies

losenotloose · 16/10/2023 22:11

After the hundredth time of catching him smoking weed in his room, I've told him absolutely no money from me anymore. He's told me I better not leave money around because he'll take it. He goes to school when he decides to and the school don't seem bothered. I feel like I'm just waiting for him to move out because he's so unpleasant most of the time. I'm providing him with food for lunch but an example of what he is like is today he ate the wrap that was for tomorrow's lunch. He said to me don't worry I'll just rib it tomorrow from Tesco. I feel ashamed of the way he's turning out.

Please be gentle with me. I honestly feel we've done our best.

OP posts:
Eddyraisins · 17/10/2023 07:19

hamstersarse · 16/10/2023 23:30

Unfortunately @Antst lots of kids smoke weed, and also most of them are ok.

I think everyone here agrees that it’s not good for growing brains, but my experience of 2 now young men is not the “just stop” approach

Absolutely. As I have realised the past 2 years.
Sadly it's more prevalent than we think.

redskytonights · 17/10/2023 07:33

Woush · 16/10/2023 23:46

I don't know how you "make" a 17 year old get a job

Teens usually want the money.

Is he having driving lessons?

How will he pay for a car?

In OP's case "get a job" will just give the teen more money to spend on weed.

So not sure it's really the best option here.

The thing that motivated my DS to do something was to provide absolute basics only. He got fed up of that fairly quickly.

losenotloose · 17/10/2023 08:10

@redskytonights this is definitely a concern.

OP posts:
hamstersarse · 17/10/2023 08:41

Having read your updates, things I would do are:

  • Book him driving lessons (can’t be stoned for them but also gives him something to focus on - I.E. get your theory passed)
  • implement a ‘dinner altogether’ rule. Every night you all sit at the table together to eat dinner. No phones. You’ll be amazed how this reconnects people, and it’s such an easy thing to do
  • book some uni visits and make a real trip of it exploring places outside of London - York, Leeds, Newcastle, Bristol

My point with these things is to get him to see life beyond the stoned haze, he’s a young vibrant man with seemingly no purpose in life and if you can help him find one, you’ll see he quits weed on his own

Catchthebreezeandwinterchills · 17/10/2023 09:09

Where is his Father? Do you think this is because his friends do it or do you think it’s masking inner pain?

Does he have any idea about grades required and that engineering almost always interviews it’s not just apply on paper. I agree with getting him to visit some decent Universities. If he can’t see a future then he is just going to chuck it away.

You said you have tried to be reasonable, I have always had a scorched earth policy regarding what’s ok and what isn’t. You are close to parenting an adult now but I would hazard a guess you have always wanted your child to like you. Seems like you had a tough childhood yourself so may have over compensated and been too nice and understanding due to your childhood. Drug addiction does have some heritability, a genetic element unfortunately.

LadyTrunchbull · 17/10/2023 09:38

EDIT: This turned into a bit of a long post so I've done a TLDR.

A large number of the replies on here are completely unrealistic IMHO. All these 'he's a child, ban his pocket money' types of post.

He is a child technically but kids grow up quicker than ever nowadays and ultimately he's less than a year from being legally considered an adult. He can smoke, work, and up until recently would've been able to get married.

The truth is that you can't fully control a 17yo if they don't want to comply. In many cases they're conflicted/challenging authority but still not independent enough to want to fully rebel and burn their bridges so they may relent a bit, but ultimately you can't really control them if they dig their heels in - look at all the threads of even younger teens running away to friend's houses and the police not intervening.

I started dabbling in weed at 16 and gradually increased my usage until I was smoking it daily at 18. Was from an educated professional family and had a good upbringing but always rebelled for some reason, likely because of my overly controlling mother. My sister was the golden child, always did as ordered and ended up going to Oxford uni.

My mum tried taking away my weed on multiple occasions but I just told her to fuck off each time and went and stayed with one of my older friends for a couple of weeks. Ended up locked in conflict with her (my mum) and bombed my A Levels (predicted three A's but dropped a subject and got CD).

Got into a pretty average uni and managed a 2:1 mainly through last minute cramming, and then went into a graduate job. However, after nearly a decade I moved into construction which much prefer.

My main point in mentioning the above is that I encounter a lot of young lads in the trade sector that smoke weed. It's obv not ideal but I think it's much less of a handicap than in a corporate role. In the latter, you often need to be an effective networker and good at communication (presentations, speaking in meetings etc). You need to come across as 'the right type of person'.

I found a lot of my mates that smoked weed into their 20s weren't really the most dynamic and didn't really advance as well as others in graduate jobs as they weren't as ambitious. However, my mates who went into trades didn't seem to be as affected as they were able to go about their day half baked - once you're adept at digging trenches with the digger or pumping cement etc it's not rocket science. And people don't care how 'dynamic' you come across as long as what you build is decent or your plumbing is good etc. They were on generally higher salaries in their 20s and didn't have tens if thousands in debt.

I noticed a lot of young lads smoke weed every day whilst working but then tend to give it up when they settle down with a girlfriend and get a house etc.

TLDR: I'm an ex weed smoker who did the uni/corporate job thing before moving into construction sector and working with tradies, and I found that lads that smoke weed often do far better in non office/corporate jobs.

lifeturnsonadime · 17/10/2023 09:40

Do you do things like pay for his phone contract or gaming packages or anything like that?

Stop.

Stop cooking for him or doing his laundry.

Tell him that unless and until he either goes back to full time education or gets a job this is how it will be.

LadyTrunchbull · 17/10/2023 09:43

lifeturnsonadime · 17/10/2023 09:40

Do you do things like pay for his phone contract or gaming packages or anything like that?

Stop.

Stop cooking for him or doing his laundry.

Tell him that unless and until he either goes back to full time education or gets a job this is how it will be.

Edited

What if he just decides to get a job in KFC and continues smoking weed every day?

lifeturnsonadime · 17/10/2023 09:44

Well that's up to him and it's up to OP if she then wants to continue keeping a roof over his head.

LadyTrunchbull · 17/10/2023 09:49

Trying to out-stubborn a teenager is a losing game IMO. If his mates all smoke it he won't stop, he'll just find ways around it. I just bought an electric vaporiser and used to use it in bed as it didn't stink like smoking a joint. Was extremely proud of myself for 'getting the last laugh'. 😂

Ferniebrook · 17/10/2023 09:52

That sounds so tough. Unlike others I don't think this is your fault. One of my siblings was like this and eventually my dad had to make him move out because of the impact on the others. He is the most successful and stable of all of them now. These things do turnaround. In the meantime he needs boundaries - has to get a job if he wont study. Sounds hard - stay strong

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/10/2023 10:04

I see the just make him,get him told, get it done,enforcement rules are being trotted out. Useless verbosity that adds nothing to your difficulties with him
How do you make a 17yo obtain and retain a job? Answer you don’t. You can’t make him attend or be conscientious etc.
How do you make him attend school? Answer you don’t. You can’t physically restrain or manoeuvre him into school. Even if you get him to school, he’ll simply leave of his own volition.

so, you discuss consequences. He will likely do badly in exams, have to resit
At 17 with no capital no entrepreneurial experience he’ll not be setting up a business. so what will he do

socially his school peers who’ve maintained school will go uni and college, he won’t

try support him, and calmly discuss the likely outcomes

I wish you both well going forward, he’s being daft and not understanding or thinking regard consequences or impact upon him

is his mental health or wellbeing ok. Any concerns? Any events or trigger that’s impacting. Any change in relationships or friendships

ExtinguishTheLight · 17/10/2023 10:11

OP, this isn't your fault. I was a heavy weed smoker at 17 and I didn't have any parents around for it to be their fault.

I do think he'll grow out of it as pretty much all the people I knew then have. But I think it's unlikely you'll be able to punish him out of it.

And no, I don't think kicking him out will work either. He'll likely end up pushed into taking harder drugs and it'll also ruin his chances of getting his act together with school.

One thing that might help is saying he needs to be out of the house during school hours, regardless of whether he's going or not.

losenotloose · 17/10/2023 12:51

Thank you for the encouraging words. I think cutting out his money is the right thing because at least I'm not paying for his lifestyle. I had a conversation with him this morning about what he plans to do after 6th form. He still thinks he'll get 3 As. He wants to work for a year and then attempt to get a good apprenticeship in engineering. We'll see!

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 17/10/2023 15:39

All is not necessarily lost he may recalibrate and get sorted
unlikely he’ll get A grade so need to resit and apply for an apprenticeship
Adolescence is a fraught time for some he is having a wobble and hopefully get back on track
don’t kick him out, it’s brutal,And potentially increase risks

Eddyraisins · 17/10/2023 16:42

Finally some sense in the last few posts.

losenotloose · 17/10/2023 18:10

Right, so I've just got home from work. He hasn't been to school and there's a sink full of washing up (from him). Shopping is about to be delivered so I went up and asked him to wash up so the sink is free. He said when are you going to give me my money back and I said I won't be (because I've given him so many second chances). So he's refusing to wash up his own stuff even though he's been sat on his arse all day. I just don't know how to deal with this, I don't want it to end up being tit for tat nonsense. I've always given in and I feel he's carrying on like this because he thinks I'll back down in the end.

OP posts:
lifeturnsonadime · 17/10/2023 18:13

I've always given in and I feel he's carrying on like this because he thinks I'll back down in the end.

Then you have to stop doing it.

You need firm boundaries, he will likely sulk a lot, but he will eventually stop walking over you and expecting you to do everything in return for nothing.

ExtinguishTheLight · 17/10/2023 18:50

losenotloose · 17/10/2023 18:10

Right, so I've just got home from work. He hasn't been to school and there's a sink full of washing up (from him). Shopping is about to be delivered so I went up and asked him to wash up so the sink is free. He said when are you going to give me my money back and I said I won't be (because I've given him so many second chances). So he's refusing to wash up his own stuff even though he's been sat on his arse all day. I just don't know how to deal with this, I don't want it to end up being tit for tat nonsense. I've always given in and I feel he's carrying on like this because he thinks I'll back down in the end.

Put the cutlery and crockery in your room and give him one set of each thing to use himself?

I had to do this myself when I shared a house with three boys. They were literally eating out of measuring jugs to avoid washing up!

Woush · 17/10/2023 20:36

losenotloose · 17/10/2023 18:10

Right, so I've just got home from work. He hasn't been to school and there's a sink full of washing up (from him). Shopping is about to be delivered so I went up and asked him to wash up so the sink is free. He said when are you going to give me my money back and I said I won't be (because I've given him so many second chances). So he's refusing to wash up his own stuff even though he's been sat on his arse all day. I just don't know how to deal with this, I don't want it to end up being tit for tat nonsense. I've always given in and I feel he's carrying on like this because he thinks I'll back down in the end.

The focus isn't not doing chores because he's been home. Thr focus needs to be why he isnt attending school.

The basics of human psychology is that people, generally speaking, want yo be good people and gave purpose.

Have you had a 'adult to adult' type conversation about future plans? Does he want to give up on his A Levels? If so, support him applying to jobs if that's his aim. He will need support, lots of it. Don't fo it in a judgy way. You're helping him find purpose

losenotloose · 17/10/2023 22:26

He tells me school is a waste of time, he can do most of the learning at home. He's got exams at the beginning of November so it will be interesting to see how he does. He doesn't want to give up a levels, I have suggested that as an option before and he's adamant he doesn't want to.

OP posts:
loseweightpleasegod · 18/10/2023 22:33

See how he does in his mocks.

Unfortunately, you can’t make a 17 year old do anything.

You can stop giving him money and if he doesn’t respect family life and his home you can provide him with the basics of food and shelter. This may make him understand that his life is in his control and he is responsible for his actions and how his life turns out is up to him not you.

I think you have to accept ultimately it is his choice and he’s old enough now to comprehend the consequences.

piesforever · 18/10/2023 22:39

Do any of you perfect parents actually have a teenager?! Judging a poor woman for "not parenting" is really mean and unhelpful. Think she came to the wrong place for supportive lovely women and practical advice! Playing sports with and a movie night ain't gonna work for a challenging 17 year old boy! I don't have the answers but I'm not mean!

Eddyraisins · 21/10/2023 14:00

piesforever · 18/10/2023 22:39

Do any of you perfect parents actually have a teenager?! Judging a poor woman for "not parenting" is really mean and unhelpful. Think she came to the wrong place for supportive lovely women and practical advice! Playing sports with and a movie night ain't gonna work for a challenging 17 year old boy! I don't have the answers but I'm not mean!

Exactly this.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread