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Original poster

Handling 11plus disappointment

61 replies

Purplekettles · 16/10/2023 08:39

We got my DCs 11 plus results this morning and despite tracking for a comfortable pass all the way through, the results are unfortunately way off what they needed to get in. So far off that we can only guess at what went wrong but either nerves or answering the questions in the wrong places, who knows.

We are lucky in that we have great alternatives and in the long term it’s not the end of the world but I am dreading telling them after school today. My elder DC is already at the school which makes it all a bit more tricky.

So I am after any advice from parents that have been there really. And also thoughts on whether we tell a white lie about their score, making them feel like they just missed it rather than were so so far off the mark. I am just gutted for them really and while they are the kind of kid that is usually pretty resilient I don’t want to get it wrong and destroy their confidence!

OP posts:
Sundaefraise · 16/10/2023 08:46

I was in this position myself, in that my sister passed for a grammar and I didn’t. I now actually work in one. The tests are so stressful for some children, there were kids crying and being sick on the day we ran them.
Anyway, i would advise doing what my parents did, just brush it off, be honest about the score without going into details ‘ not quite good enough - you obviously just had an off day’ or something ‘never mind we’re lucky enough to have other good schools round here’, and move on. The other thing I would say is that me and my sister got exactly the same grades at GCSE and A-Level (although different subjects) so he can do just as well outside a grammar.

CurlewKate · 16/10/2023 08:47

Just checking-if it's waaaayy off-so far off that he might have screwed up the question boxes-did the school appeal?

DrinkingFreshMangoJuice · 16/10/2023 08:48

Don't make a fuss but keep an open door so they can talk about it if they need to. Be really enthusiastic about the school they're going to be going to instead, sell it that their friends will be going and they can do x y and z there etc. But mainly don't make a fuss.

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MyShinyThing · 16/10/2023 08:48

Sorry they didn't get the result they were hoping for. We went through exactly the same thing a few years ago.

My advice would be to allow them to feel the disappointment and don't try to immediately jolly them along. But later on do talk up the good points of the schools that are now applying for. I wouldn't worry about telling them the exact mark unless they ask directly. Other kids will know their score so if you say you weren't told they'll know you're lying. Depending on how invested they were it might take a while to get passed the disappointment.

Also don't greet them at the door with a huge smile because you're just so pleased to see them after spending all day worrying about them. They'll interpret it as you having good news and the blow will be doubly hard. What a bloody idiot I was!

Mine is now doing brilliantly in a non selective, I think he enjoys being top of the class whereas he might have been middling to bottom in a grammar.

Good luck for later.

DibbleDooDah · 16/10/2023 08:52

Honesty is definitely the best route. Rejection is, unfortunately, part of life but helping your child deal with it gives them key life skills and makes them more resilient.

I would simply buy them a small treat as a reward for their hard work and point out that it’s the effort you value and not the result. The result itself just means that it’s not the right school for them, not that they have failed.

11+ results for us came out on Friday and my DC is the only one who has passed out of their friends. They have all been really supportive of each other - I have been very surprised by their maturity and kindness towards each other. Your

DrinkingFreshMangoJuice · 16/10/2023 09:00

The other consideration is they deliberately failed it. I know many children who were hot housed by their parents who when it came down to the exam purposely failed it by doodling or writing rubbish on the paper. He may not be as disappointed by the result as you are.

KitCatKitty · 16/10/2023 09:04

DrinkingFreshMangoJuice · 16/10/2023 09:00

The other consideration is they deliberately failed it. I know many children who were hot housed by their parents who when it came down to the exam purposely failed it by doodling or writing rubbish on the paper. He may not be as disappointed by the result as you are.

My brother did this I think. My parents were convinced he'd do better in private school and put him forward for the entrance exams but he did insanely badly. He was in top sets for everything so it was very surprising.

Original poster
Purplekettles · 16/10/2023 09:08

I definitely don’t think he did this (and I know I threatened to do the same as a kid when my mum wanted me to move to a grammar mid secondary 😄) as he really really wanted to get in 😞

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elliejjtiny · 16/10/2023 09:09

No experience of this as a parent but I failed the 11+ in 1994. I remember my parents telling me that it wasn't about passing or failing, it was about deciding which school was best for which children.

Original poster
Purplekettles · 16/10/2023 09:48

@CurlewKate I am not sure if it’s something to appeal. Chatting to others this morning the scores seem lower across the board so perhaps it was a particularly challenging exam this year.

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Raineverywhere · 16/10/2023 10:44

Would it be possible to have a chat with the teacher @Purplekettles? They might be well placed to advise if it's worth appealing.
From what you've said there seems to be quite a large gap between what was expected and the actual result. Even if the result is correct it might be helpful to know what went wrong (not sure if they give you this information?) Could be useful for future exams.

MidnightOnceMore · 16/10/2023 10:48

This is why the 11+ is bullshit.

You have to tell him simply that he didn't get in, and then be led by his response. There's no point lying to him if he asks a direct question.

I don't understand why parents willingly do this to their kids.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 16/10/2023 10:49

DrinkingFreshMangoJuice · 16/10/2023 09:00

The other consideration is they deliberately failed it. I know many children who were hot housed by their parents who when it came down to the exam purposely failed it by doodling or writing rubbish on the paper. He may not be as disappointed by the result as you are.

I did this.

My mum put far too much pressure on me. She refused to listen when I said I really didn't want to go to an all girls' school.

So, I refused to answer the questions.

CurlewKate · 16/10/2023 10:59

@Purplekettles In Kent it certainly would be if the school thinks it was a seriously anomalous result. However, the school appeals usually happen before the results go out. Certainly worth a chat with the Head.

Rosykitten · 16/10/2023 11:08

Agree with PP to keep it brief and be led by his reaction. Perhaps say there were many applicants compared to the number of places available so lots of other applicants won't have got in either. I wouldn't start it off as "bad news I'm afraid...". Just that the results have come in, and then take it from there.

Preparing for the 11+ is very useful for the discipline of learning even if it doesn't result in a place, and DCs with parents who take an active interest in their DCs schooling and revision no matter which school they go to are boosted by that. I also know people who passed the 11+ flounder when they got to grammar as the parents' support disappeared after the "getting in".

drivinmecrazy · 16/10/2023 11:25

When my DD1 'failed' to get a place at our super selective we told her what her scores were. She'd literally just missed out.
She went to school the next day and came home saying 'sally' was in exactly the same position.
She really wasn't. That morning her mother told me how many points she was down.
I know why the other parent did that but it made me sad for my own child.
This child went through the tears of year six lording it over other kids that she just missed out.
Maybe different to your child as this child was never going to get near the pass mark.
However DD1 went to the local comp and graduated last year and is happy in life.
The other child is still telling the story that if only she'd got one more question right at that particular time in her life things would be so much more different

Nowherenew · 16/10/2023 11:31

And also thoughts on whether we tell a white lie about their score, making them feel like they just missed it rather than were so so far off the mark.

I would definitely do this, just to spare their feelings.

I would say they just missed out on it and they should be very proud for trying so hard but it is what it is and it obviously wasn’t meant to be.

Then start looking at the positives of the school they will be going to.

MadamVastra · 16/10/2023 11:32

My dc failed 11+ but ended up at the grammar school for 6th form for A levels and then on to uni and is now at UCL studying for a masters degree. They look back now and realise it was for the best and they have no regrets

OMGitsnotgood · 16/10/2023 11:41

Purplekettles · 16/10/2023 09:48

@CurlewKate I am not sure if it’s something to appeal. Chatting to others this morning the scores seem lower across the board so perhaps it was a particularly challenging exam this year.

Enough children must have passed to fill the places surely else the pass mark would have been lowered accordingly.

If your DC's mark is way lower than expected, and that is backed by their current school, then it IS worth appealing. They will check that something hasn't gone wrong with the box checking (eg they missed out a question and marked the wrong boxes from then on). Or that they really had an off day at odds with their performance in school.

I had one at grammar and one who didn't pass. We never talked about 'passing' and 'failing', we said the exam was about finding the right school for each child. The DC that didn't go to grammar stood out way more in high school than the one at grammar and left with all sorts of awards and accolades which was wonderful for self esteem. The brighter grammar child seemed average within their school by comparison.

FirstFallopians · 16/10/2023 11:44

elliejjtiny · 16/10/2023 09:09

No experience of this as a parent but I failed the 11+ in 1994. I remember my parents telling me that it wasn't about passing or failing, it was about deciding which school was best for which children.

I think this is the best way.

Telling them they just missed out could make it worse- it would’ve caused me more upset that I’d just missed out- what if I’d read over the paper one more time? What if I’d looked over my notes for thirty seconds longer? What if, what if.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 16/10/2023 11:48

Purplekettles · 16/10/2023 09:48

@CurlewKate I am not sure if it’s something to appeal. Chatting to others this morning the scores seem lower across the board so perhaps it was a particularly challenging exam this year.

I'm not being funny but I actually hope it was. Last year in my area 50% of kids who passed the 11+ didn't get a place at grammar as the local grammars were all full. I think that's a much worse disappointment.

I think you're right not to appeal, as he wasn't close to the pass mark. It will let him move on to getting excited about the other schools in the area and working out which of his friends are applying to the same schools as him.

AlbertCampion · 16/10/2023 11:57

We are in this position and I am absolutely dreading telling my DS. His best friend has got in, so they will be split up. The others in his year are not particularly friendly with him and he has struggled to make friends. He is going to be devastated.

The school he will now be going to is the one which ended my teaching career because the behaviour was so bad. I feel sick with worry for him.

Of course, I won't let him know any of this. Just trying to process it now.

DiminishedSevenths · 16/10/2023 12:21

We are still waiting for our 11 plus results. My son was borderline in mocks etc and I would be surprised if he has passed. However he has his heart set on it and I am sure we are heading for bitter disappointment this week. I wish we had never gone down this road.

Original poster
Purplekettles · 16/10/2023 12:34

@AlbertCampion I am so sorry to hear this. The only saving grace is that their best friend also didn’t score highly enough so they will at least be together. It’s so hard isn’t it 😞 The only thing I do know for sure is that within weeks of being at whatever school they go to this whole disappointment will be a distant memory as they settle in. I hope so anyway!

Frustratingly we live across counties so they had taken 2 county exams. The one we were less fussed about they did significantly better in and have ranked for the grammars - but they are too far for us. Although it will at least soften the blow of the possible ‘I’m not good enough’ feelings. Thanks you for all the advice - it’s a hard lesson in life at such a young age.

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Original poster
Purplekettles · 16/10/2023 12:36

@DiminishedSevenths good luck. Honestly my older DC was borderline and absolutely smashed the exam so you just never know which way it will go!

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