Handling 11plus disappointment

[Purplekettles]

We got my DCs 11 plus results this morning and despite tracking for a comfortable pass all the way through, the results are unfortunately way off what they needed to get in. So far off that we can only guess at what went wrong but either nerves or answering the questions in the wrong places, who knows.

We are lucky in that we have great alternatives and in the long term it’s not the end of the world but I am dreading telling them after school today. My elder DC is already at the school which makes it all a bit more tricky.

So I am after any advice from parents that have been there really. And also thoughts on whether we tell a white lie about their score, making them feel like they just missed it rather than were so so far off the mark. I am just gutted for them really and while they are the kind of kid that is usually pretty resilient I don’t want to get it wrong and destroy their confidence!

It’s such an awful system. Kids stressed and crying. Thinking tuve failed at 10!

We had a similar situation- looked like he would pass all year then had an off day I guess for the test. He handled it so well - was clearly disappointed for a while then was down in school the next day. Probably helped hardly any of his class passed that year.

What I will say is that it has worked out for the best. He is top sets in the local comp and get lots of confidence from that and is really thriving. The local grammar is high pressure and he would not have been even in the middle sets I guess.

We did speak to the school about an appeal but they said his personality would suit the comp more as he does get his confidence from where he sits in the class. Something to think about!

Many move their kids here from the grammar to the comp hue to the pressure and constant testing. You have to think about what is right for the child. Some thrive in that environment. Many don’t

Fine in school the next day

"We never talked about 'passing' and 'failing', we said the exam was about finding the right school for each child."
Be careful with this. Particularly if there's a lot of talk in the area about the schools. I couldn't convincingly tell my ds that the school he went to was right for him, because it did no music and very little drama, which were-and still are- his "things".the other school offered both to a very high level. We just had to go down the "Yeah, it's a shame, but let's make the best of it" route."

Honestly it annoys me when people say its BS because some kids aren't suited to comp ( they need the high pressure environment) and those on low incomes don't have the privilege of private. No one is forced to do this and most kids want to do the test- no idea why you are so bitter, both of mine are on free school meals and passed, the bullying at the local schools are horrendous and mine want to learn and get out of this catch 22. They are having a fantastic time in comparison to their other friends and the mindset is totally different. Obviously it doesn't mean you can't achieve at comp but my kids are quiet and won't stand up to bullies.

Really sorry OP, I would do something fun at the weekend as a reward for his hard work. At least his bestie isn't going either, so dampens the blow. Out of interest was it a different test board if he passed one further away?

But yeah I would be truthful but not tell him the score, if it was really hard its unlikely many passed from the same school. Not sure what area you are in but in mine, we get lots of kids from out of area and they are normally at private primary schools.

I'm sure he will love secondary especially if he's with his best friend, the independence he will have next year aswell as lots of new people to meet, the 11 plus will be a distant memory.

"Obviously it doesn't mean you can't achieve at comp but my kids are quiet and won't stand up to bullies."
This is BS. This bizarre assumption that there is no bullying in grammar or private schools.

Yes bizarre- all schools are different. there’s far more bullying and behaviour problems at our local grammar.

I was in your shoes last year @Purplekettles. I had a good idea of what my DD was capable of, but she came up against a particularly tricky VR paper that utterly confused her and she scored zero on the whole thing (it was some sort of code cracking exercise ending with the reveal of a word, well she didn’t solve it). Her other marks across the other papers were exactly as expected.

It was an extra kick in the teeth because she happened to sit the “alternate” paper offered to those who weren’t able to sit the main exam a week earlier, so I will never know whether she would have scored higher had she sat the original date 🙄

At least you had a good plan B in place. It’s a huge disappointment right now but in the grand scheme of things, it’s unlikely to blight your child’s life forever. In fact, this time next year when they’re settling into secondary, I doubt it will cross their mind at all.

Not saying that at all, I said in MY local area the comp schools are riddled with bullying. I know kids at both schools and from MY experience that is the case because I live in a low income area with rough estates and the mentality is totally different.

Anyway that's your opinion, I am purely stating why as a family we decided on grammar because a PP said 11 plus is BS... we don't tend to think so.

Anyway sorry OP to take the thread away from the main point. All the best for your son and I'm sure he will flourish in high school.

That's really sad for the kids who don't pass the 11 plus though and can't get away from the bullying

I agree @zozueme

Apologies to the OP for going off topic, I hope your son is OK and you find a way to help him adapt to the situation. Its great to see PPs here giving real world examples of success stories despite their children not reaching pass grade.

But if we are talking about why the 11+ is BS, this is the reason.

I'm not 'bitter' - you have projected an emotion onto a stranger. I can't judge why you've done that, but I reject your projection.

My view is the grammar system is an outdated anachronism, which streams children in a way that damages both the winners and losers. It also damages the nation.

I support a properly funded comprehensive education system.

It is not about my own income level or my children's likelihood of passing (they are much older now anyway) - it is because I have a belief in genuine social mobility.

Old school grammar systems are pointless. If we just had super selectives it would be a fairer system and the schools would be for the exceptionally academically brightest to be stretched

So sorry OP. I've been there. My daughter didn't get into grammar school or private school (would have had to be on scholarship) and was devastated, especially as a good friend got into City of London (on full scholarship). If was a bitter pill to swallow at the time. I think you can be honest about this, don't need to lie about their score, and personally, I think it's fine, perhaps necessary to use the word "fail".

My DD went on to a decent enough secondary, did well at GCSE, and then went on to a fantastic sixth form, where she really flourished. She's now at Cambridge.

So though I'm well aware of how awful this is, it's not the end. Remind your DC that they have time to turn it around, time to do really really well, whatever school they find themselves in. It's a much longer game than they can see right now. I wish you all the best.

Yes it still means it’s a bullshit system. You’re lucky if you have a good comp to fall back on but in counties where the 11+ doesn’t exist there’s less of a disparity.

The fact that most parents tutor their children to within an inch of their life from YR4 makes a mockery of it all. Then like someone said there are children being bused in from miles away. So the school is not really for local children.

Not the case in counties with super selectives. In counties without grammar schools - or any accomodations for the bright children - these children get lost in the system and the race to mediocrity

This was us last year. 2 X DC already at grammar schools. DC3 is equally academic as them but was way off the mark score wise. His general knowledge and ability to retain facts and figures is phenomenal but just the 11+ puzzles on the day weren't his forte.

He was gutted, sobbed his heart out. Not helped that most years around 10 to 12 from their school sit the 11+ and usually 2 or 3, maybe 4 pass. Last year about 11 sat it and 9 of them passed, dc3 was one of only 2 that didn't. Which means that most of the people he is friends with have gone to grammar and he hasn't.

I wouldn't lie about the score, just be factual and big up the school he will be going to, without going overboard. What does it do that interests him? Find out if anyone else he knows is going there. He'll likely be in top sets and comfy being towards the top of the cohort which is a plus.

I'm still gutted for my dc3, but would never tell him that. There are some things that the grammar offer that our local school doesn't that he would absolutely have loved but we just make the most of what it is. He's had a good start to secondary, made some new friends, joined some clubs, likes the lunches and is generally happy there so it's all good.

Your son will be fine, but allow both him and you a bit of time to be disappointed. Then pick yourselves up and make the most of the new road he'll be traveling.

I just don’t agree. There are plenty of good comprehensives/secondary non grammar schools where bright children thrive. Get rid of the grammar schools and it would be even more equal. Bright children can be streamed. They are not some special species that need to go to special schools. To be protected from all the average and mediocre children around them..

If that were the case Oxbridge et Al would not be being made to make accomodations for students from deprived areas. If comprehensive education truly worked it wouldn't fail these children, but it does.

Yes the system is working really well. Our local grammar school has lots of students from deprived families (it doesn’t). The grammars are mainly full of children that have been tutured at great expense for years and don’t actually live locally. They are not serving the purpose they were originally intended for. Let’s not pretend they are..

They did back in the 60s when nobody was tutored. My Mum grew up on a council estate - my Gran a single Mum of 3 - and passed (obviously no money for tutors!) It only works if the playing field is level.
You think deprived families can afford the same level of tutoring? Because if they can’t they are off to a disadvantage before they start. Even with a bright child.

Sorry to hear that for your area it isn't working. I some they have now introduced strict catchment policies to manage this.

These children need to go somewhere, there is no way you'd be having this conversation about the opposing end of the educational spectrum. Why, because these children are extremely intelligent, should they have to fail in a failing system?

See this is why we were guided completely by DS on this. He insisted on taking it, wasn't coached and didn't pass. He opened his own results and told us he hadn't made it. We just went with 'No worries, well done for giving it a go'. He got great results anyway and joined the grammar school for sixth form. Its all good.

Alargeoneplease89
It is BS because for some reason you think that only the smartest kids should have the chance to learn in a calm environment with no fighting or bullying! It is patently unfair that there is a two tier system where some students are educated in a more pleasant learning environment. Children of all abilities should have this.

We didn’t have 11+ but I am at the other end of this process with DC at or applying to uni.
Friends who sent DC to grammar have had variable outcomes if they only just got in, one moved schools as it clearly wasn’t the right fit. Another struggled on with poor outcomes.
Others have done ok.
the most important thing is to find the right fit so they then can thrive
the fact they have motivated parents if the most important factor so they’re already onto a winner
good luck

‘Extremely bright’ children would do well at many non grammar schools in this country. Grammars really aren’t the be all and end all. There are some very good secondary schools that are non grammar. It hasn’t worked out badly for me as my DS is thriving in our local secondary school. As I said - children move their kids from the grammar school as they are finding the pressure and stress too much.

I’m criticising the system as a whole. Extremely bright children should not need to be creamed off to go to special schools. We should have a better education system than that.