Handling 11plus disappointment

[Purplekettles]

We got my DCs 11 plus results this morning and despite tracking for a comfortable pass all the way through, the results are unfortunately way off what they needed to get in. So far off that we can only guess at what went wrong but either nerves or answering the questions in the wrong places, who knows.

We are lucky in that we have great alternatives and in the long term it’s not the end of the world but I am dreading telling them after school today. My elder DC is already at the school which makes it all a bit more tricky.

So I am after any advice from parents that have been there really. And also thoughts on whether we tell a white lie about their score, making them feel like they just missed it rather than were so so far off the mark. I am just gutted for them really and while they are the kind of kid that is usually pretty resilient I don’t want to get it wrong and destroy their confidence!

So do you argue the same for the opposing end of the spectrum? Should every child be in mainstream education with no specialist resources for any?

Completely different situation. You’re acting like ‘extremely bright’ children are a different species that need special treatment. They couldn’t possibly thrive in a normal school. That’s simply not true.

Whereas children with extreme learning difficulties would not thrive in a normal schools and would need extra help.

It’s a bit shit to derail the OP’s thread with the grammar hatred, that wasn’t really what she was asking. I get the broader point around reassuring that other positive options and outcomes exist, which of course they do, but seriously??!! I hope all’s well OP, parenting is hard when things don’t go smoothly.

I agree. A few people pointed out it was a crappy system in sympathy- 10-11 year olds feel like a failure based on their performance on one day and I have repeatedly said how my child is thriving in a non grammar school which surely is helpful. I found stories like this so helpful when I was in a similar situation. I hunted them down.

Talking about the poor extremely bright children having to escape the bullying in the terrible non grammar schools is not helpful and I was only pulling up one poster on that.

But I apologise OP for derailing your thread.

The only way to make it fairer is to go back to how it used to be. My dad passed it 60 years ago. There was no tutoring but the schools curriculum meant they didn't need it. My grandparents couldn't afford the grammar uniform which at the time, even back then cost twice as much as the comp. My dad still wonders what his life would be like had he gone. He had a bad childhood with a physically abusive dad and a cold mother. This meant he left school at 16 to join the raf to get away from them both. He forced a good career for himself because he is very very bright but even back then it still had financial restraints of uniform costs. Sad really. If schools taught it then they may not be need for tutoring ...I take my hat off to children who can work out verbal and non verbal reasoning in an exam if they've never done it before. I wojldnt pass even now I don't think and I wouldn't class myself as stupid. We live in the catchment and I go without to get my son tutored. The alternative isn't great at all so there is pressure. Having said that, tutoring may end soon because although he is bright he isn't motivated to put the work in and he isn't gifted so he wouldn't pass without help. Does this make me wrong? Possibly but if we have the option of trying ...why wouldn't we? If he fails or we decide not to do the exam he will go to the other school and we will deal with whatever happens. Tbh I'm more concerned that he won't have any friends at the conp.all his friends are being tutored and they all seem very keen to do the work..

I think what people are forgetting that in the golden age of ploughboys walking 5 miles with newspaper in their shoes to take the 11+ under the loving oversight of the vicar and a pass was a ticket to the dreaming spires and a life of academic seclusion was that a) that was vanishingly rare- and b) there were no comprehensive schools. There were secondary moderns, which were intended to provide education for the blue collar class, and grammar schools, which provided education for middle management. For anything else, you generally needed private. Minor public schools for the professional classes and the top, maybe 5? for the proper posh.

That was the inequality the comprehensive system was designed to resolve. The problem is that the proper posh, who largely also ran/run the system did not and still do not understand or commit to to comprehensives. They still do a much better job than the old system.

Thank you for all of your input and don’t worry about derailing the thread - it’s interesting to read as despite having put my kids through it I also agree with a lot of the negative points about the system mentioned (I guess my principles just aren’t that strong 😄).

Anyway it was pretty awful telling them and they were pretty upset but I think will be fine once the disappointment has worn off. We have some great alternatives and are going to see the other grammar in the next county next week (it’s a pig to get to so I’m hoping they won’t like it but it’s another option on the table). We’re lucky that we have a fabulous comp near us too - it would be a different story if we didn’t.

Incidentally I was honest about the grade in the end. And I was glad I was as they wanted to see the emails!

Can the exam grade be checked if it was not at all what was expected? Dd got her gcse results this summer. We weren't going to get any reviewed, but her physics teacher phoned and suggested we get it remarked, so we did and it went up a grade. Dd doesn't think he'd seen her paper, he just expected her to get the grade it went up to.

It’s awful for the first day or so but it’s impressive how quickly they get over it I found. And it is good that you have other solid options but I understand how hard it is seeing your kids upset.

In some ways it’s easier if they don’t have a chance - DS1 is dyslexic and wouldn’t have coped at grammar so we had a stress free year that year! DS2 was borderline which is the hardest scenario I think as you want to give them a shot but they are not a given.

I hope it all works out - I’m sure it will.

Just to add, my dc have both been to Comps and both done very well and been happy. I don't think they'd have got higher grades at a grammar like I went to.

Thanks for an update OP. I'm sorry your son was upset but as you say you have a great local comp and a chance at another grammar school. Keep us updated- love to hear what he decides on.

Over invested I know 😂