He's not rude, he has ASC

[Heisntrude]

Would you expect a parent to say that their child has ASC if you tried to engage with him but got nothing back?

My son is 4 and completely non verbal. He has ASC with severe learning delay and severe speech and language communication issues too.

I think, but I'm not sure, that it is clear he is ND. But sometimes adults and other children try to engage with him. He will just carry on being in his own world. He doesn't really notice. I do explain if I feel it is needed. But honestly it gets harder having to say that he is non verbal and has ASC. I don't know why but it just is. I don't want him to wear a lanyard as he would just take it off.

I guess my worry is people think he is rude in not responding to them. Or if he starts crying because he is not allowed to do something he is being a brat. He isn't. He just doesn't understand that certain things aren't his so he might want to play with something that isn't his. Obviously I stop him and apologise and explain. But it just feels like an excuse for poor behaviour, however, it is a genuine reason.

He is also more interested in dogs than people. Which can bring a whole new range of issues and again I feel I need to explain but often they don't want to hear it. It really gets me down. My son is not purposefully trying to upset anyone or anything. He doesn't touch the dogs just likes to see them and laughs as they are funny to him. It's a minefield to know what to do.

I think I’d address it less directly- perhaps a phrase like
He prefers not to talk
He’s not a great one for chitchat
He’s more interested in looking around than chatting

Or something that directs their attention away from him.

It’s awkward at first, but you get better at it once you’ve used a phrase a few times.

It gets easier as people know him and know what to expect, and as professionals get involved and you can parrot their advice.
‘Speech therapist says to let him decide when to talk to people’ etc.

Anyone that pushes it, outs themselves as an arse to be avoided!

He’s all about dogs, not people!

I think you are stressed about because he’s your boy and you’re aware of the issues. Other adults are generally less observant. They notice but don’t care.

A friend used to describe her daughter in a particular way that made people back off a bit- something like ‘she’s a bit sensitive around people she doesn’t know’.

Another had a some who was very tall for his age and people expected him to be more grown up than he was. She used a phrase like ‘He’s not as old as he looks, he’s still a little tot inside!’ That helped people understand.

I've addressed it where applicable, but I also never allowed asd to be an excuse for bad behaviour and removed dd from situations if needed. Once she got to about 6 it was more obvious that something was amiss (dd talks but is selectively mute, this definitely comes across as rudeness but we've worked on it and she mostly can say enough for politeness, until 4 she had no meaningful speech)

This is so hard. I think sometimes (not always!) people don’t want to assume, or are waiting for a steer from you on whether to keep trying to engage him, because they don’t want to seem rude, or like they’re ignoring him because he’s different. And some people are slow to catch on, or feel embarrassed when you explain so don’t really take in what you’re saying. And some people are just arseholes.

When you say it gets harder having to say he’s non-verbal, do you mean it’s hard for you emotionally? Hard to talk about him when he’s there and can hear? Or that people don’t get it?

I think eventually it gets to a stage where you care a great deal less about what other people think because you don’f have energy to spare on that anymore. There will always be some busybody who thinks they know it all and wants to give you parenting advice, or say something unhelpful about how nobody had autism in their day, children knew their place, etc.

I try when I’m in those situations to be very clear to myself that my duty is to my child, not to whomever is demanding explanations or whatever.

Unmumsnetty hugs.

I have a non verbal autistic nearly 5 year old. I don't want to tell his personal information to everyone so I don't say he is autistic unless it's an absolute must. However it's pretty obvious as he wears ear defenders all the time and usually has a dummy when we are out to help him regulate.

If someone tries to talk to him I just vocalise what he is doing and smile at them and then remove him as he doesn't like attention. I honestly don't care what other adults think. I am always polite to people but my son doesn't have to want people to engage with him

Are you actually saying "he has ASC" because a lot of people won't understand what that means (my daughter is autistic and I will be honest in that I can't figure out what the C stands for).

@Needmorelego it stands for Condition. They changed it from ASD which I think was disorder? Even expressing the diagnosis can be difficult as I don't want to offend anyone. He is very much in his own world. I say he is autistic.

I guess as he gets older I think people expect more of him. Whereas he is probably around the age of a 12 month old. He still cannot point.

He doesn't get away with bad behaviour. He gets told off and removed. He understands no and my stern voice but he might not understand why.

I'd just say he's autistic and so he doesn't understand - but I get that having to repeat that over and over to people is hard work. I still use ASD as I think it's more widely understood, but only when writing. I'd always say autistic when talking to people.
You're clearly doing the best you can so I would say (as much as possible) stop worrying about other people and their misunderstandings and judgements and just focus on your boy, his happiness and trying to preempt any issues for him (hard work in itself!).

It sounds like hard work trying to explain things to other people, OP.

I think you've had some good advice above but would add that it might be helpful to think about how much it really matters what other people think, and why you are so worried about it.

I do understand but I think maybe a thicker skin would help at times, because when you have a child with ASC there will always be people who don't understand and think whatever they think. To a degree, it is important to try and not care too much about that.

Have you ever had any counselling? I wonder whether talking through some strategies might help, just for feeling more sure in yourself and less thrown by what other people might be thinking about your son. It might be helpful as you go forwards too, and help your son navigate it as well in the future.

@Heisntrude I didn't know that about the changing of Disorder to Condition (and my daughter is autistic) so as I said a lot of people just simply won't know what you mean. If you say "autistic" they probably will.
However....the important thing is that don't worry or care what other people think. If they think he is rude or naughty then that's them - you know he isn't.
As a parent of an autistic child that's the thing I have learned the most - other people's opinions are not important.
Although children are usually much more accepting and understanding so if another child wants to play just saying "he doesn't talk and might not understand you - that's just the way he is" the child will usually be "ok" and then carry on playing.

I'd say 'autistic' when talking to people. Plenty don't know what ASD means.

But I don't think anyone will regard a 4yo as rude. They'd just think he was being four.

My daughter has profound autism (8 yeard old with a functioning age of 18months). I just go with "She has additional needs." I stopped mentioning her autism when I started getting the "Oh there's a kid in my kids class/my nephew/my friends child has autism so I get it." And then they continue to try to engage with her because the children they know with autism can carry a conversation, go to mainstream etc so they must know all about it🙄.

My son has autism too and didn't talk til he was 4 (but only one word sentences as he got older, he gained more words).
I used to say he can't say a lot of words but really likes this or that at the park we are at or he likes watching a lot of kids were great and just played with him sometimes they were a bit unsure but most of the time he would just parallel play.
Here, it's still called ASD so I didn't know what ASC is, but I just say autism talking to people who need/I want them to know.
As here he is diagnosed with level 3 autism spectrum disorder, we just had an appointment with his OT (literally just ended half an hour ago), and we were talking my son as you do with therapists and it's all either autism or asd here same with psychologists and schools (my son is in a special needs unit at high school).
Though maybe it's different countries say different things as I'm in Australia.

I wouldn’t use the word rude as he’s not

I like the suggestion he prefers not to talk in pp as it’s simple but not negative but other suggestions may come up

Depends on my mood tbh. I'm also autistic so not always up for an interaction with strangers about my DC medical needs. I only mention it if it is a situation where we may be approached in a venue as DS is extremely uncomfortable with being spoken to. Random people talking to us would probably be ignored.

So yes, explain it if it's to yours/his benefit, otherwise you owe no explanation to anybody

I find saying 'additional / special needs' gets more understanding or 'development delay' or just 'non verbal"
As others say autism is such a varied thing now people might expect a very chatty child.

My 18 dd simply cannot answer a strangers or
even a close family/friends questions at all. With strangers I simply say she has ASD and is unable to respond to
you.
What they do with that information is to them.
It is not my job to educate people and if they are genuinely offended/interested they can google it for
themselves.
My job is to make her aware of herself and not apologise for not fitting into society’s expectations.

You could just say 'he doesn't talk', no apology or explanation needed.

Bear in mind he’s hearing your words so prioritise his understanding of them

If he hears his condition or idea of rudeness over time it’s catering to society than his view point, which is he prefers not to talk.

Thank you for all your replies. I actually had one check out lady be so lovely to him asking him questions (he is very excitable) and talking to him. She asked me if he had ADHD. I said no. He is autistic and she said she wondered which one. I can imagine some people might be offended but actually it was a relief. Both her and the gentleman who served me were so kind to him.

But I do struggle. Probably from the emotional side from me. He is a lovely boy, very affectionate. He really is joyful. I just don't want him to be known as the autistic kid.

She was bloody rude not kind

How dare she ask about your child's medical conditions and be so nasty as to say she wondered 'which one'

That's not nice OP. People like that need to learn to keep their noses out. She is there to scan your shopping and make nice chit chat not to judge your son and make assumptions.

@octodrive

And who are you to say that someone you have never met was’bloody rude’. The person who was there didn’t think that , OP thought she was kind. Presumably you are not prepared to believe that the OP is not a fool who can’t estimate other peoples intentions for herself.

So please don’t poison other peoples’ interactions with your own resentment and suspicion. It isn’t the checkout lady ( only ‘there to scan the shopping, ‘ wow, no judgement there) who is unkind in this instance.

@octodrive see I know what you mean. And if I heard someone tell that story I would agree with you. It could have gone very wrong for her.

I struggle so much in my own with him and I can't always have him strapped my side. To me it is obvious that he is autistic. He doesn't behave as a NT child would. But I hate the assumption that I am just letting my child be unruly. He isn't. He's very energetic and will jump on the spot and he does make sounds. I can't stop him doing that whilst trying pay at the shop. I don't often take him but don't always have a choice. It was a relief that someone could see he was ND and not naughty. I hope that makes sense.

I took what OP said at face value and made no assumptions about OP at all. I just don't think it's anyone's place to be trying to work out whether someone's child had autism or ADHD, unless qualified that is.

Also I have no resentment or suspicion. I'm far more basic than that. It's not ok for people to behave like that towards a child.