I’m a grown woman but scared of being home alone!!

[Rach224]

This may (or may not) sound absolutely pathetic. I completely appreciate the inevitable ‘get a grip’ comments that will most likely arise on this thread!!

DP is going away tomorrow so it’s just me and the kids (both under 3yo). He has only travelled once without me but didn’t affect me as that was years ago when we both still lived with parents.

This is the first time that he is leaving me on my own in the flat (of course I have the kids but they are only little!).

For some reason I’ve been feeling terribly nervous and anxious all day. I have suddenly thought about all the people (my lovely elderly grandma included) that live alone and wonder if they ever get scared. I will most likely be fine during the day time, it’s the evenings when the kids are asleep and I have to switch everything off and go to bed that scares me! I literally feel like I won’t sleep all week?!

Yeah I do need to get a grip, even typing this out makes me cringe at myself. Why am I such an anxious disaster at times?!

I still don’t get what you’re afraid of, or why this is so rare — have you never lived alone? I know someone referenced her mother moving from her parents house through a WW2 hostel to her married home, but that’s of its time — I can’t imagine that would be a common trajectory now.

I mean, I get it if you live somewhere with a high level of violent house incursions, but assuming most people are in the UK, it’s pretty rare.

I lived for a season by myself on an island with no other inhabitants, no electricity and where I could get cut off for weeks at a time. I loved it. Well, apart from when stocks were running low, and the weather was preventing the supply boat docking.

Sorry another get a grip here. I'm alone tonight as dp is away on business all week. You get used to it (and had a lovely takeaway for one!

Jesus people are very unsympathetic. I think it’s easier with children in the house because you keep a normal routine and there’s familiar noise etc. You also have to be brave for them so psychologically I find it different than a completely empty house. I agree in locking up while it’s still early and not just before bed and make sure you have a phone of some sort with you . You might also want to keep something like hairspray next to your bed… a nice innocent product that you just happened to have there which you in no way intended to use as a weapon ( all the police officers I know keep a “non weapon weapon” next to the bed) Being nervous of intruders is eminently sensible ( even if the risk is low). You could even place some bottles and cans in areas behind doors if you have hard floors or leave the hoover in an awkward place behind a door to block it. I’m sure it won’t be necessary but if it helps do it.

The op is with her children.

Yes I know. Even if she’s nervous now I would say it’s better than being totally alone.

I definitely spend more time picking the house and sometimes leave the outside wall light on or a lamp downstairs if my DH is away for work which is fairly often.
We have a CCTV camera that sometimes is on depending on battery charge but I totally get where you’re coming from, I definitely am more security aware when alone with baby in the house when he’s away overnight.
The sad truth is we are still at risk in 2023 and taking some steps for peace of mind helps me sleep a bit better! X

Ha ha love this 😻

I'm newly divorced and love living alone! I did live alone for many years though prior to marriage, with young DS and never felt scared. Dunno, it's just not an in built fear I have. DS is now a burly 17 y old but I don't feel any "safer" in fact I'd try to protect him rather than it being the other way around. I've lived in some dodgy areas but it's just not a fear I have. We're all different.

I am this way. I have low anxiety when DH is here sometimes anyway, I have a real fear of being broken into after being burgled 4 times when I was a child!

When he's away with work, my anxiety is HIGH. I normally sleep on the sofa with all the lights on, so that I'm close to the doors. Then think I'm a nutcase in the morning when I wake up to the 8am news 😆

Also my DH isn't big and burly. I still feel safer when I'm with someone else though.

Wouldn't even cross my mind.
Possibly if I lived alone in some rural mansion with my well-publicised jewels in the safe.
But in a very ordinary house in London it would take a very brainless burglar/axe murderer to bother with me. I'm more bothered about spiders.

I find this totally incomprehensible. I don’t mean to be dismissive, but I’m totally gobsmacked that women in 2023 are nervous without a bloke about and have no experience of it.
I love being home alone. Which is just a s well really - was alone with DD from when she was about a year old. She’s now 27 so I’ve been properly alone for quite a few years too (she went to uni at 18 and never moved home full time again apart from a few months post graduation.

Well it’s like people from rural areas being nervous to go on the London Underground for the first time. If you’ve been raised in London it may well be incomprehensible that someone could be nervous “ I mean how can someone in 2023 be nervous of getting on a tube…. What are they nervous of exactly?” If you’ve always HAD to do it of course you get used to it… versus if you’ve NEVER done it…. It’s not rocket science.

Dh is often away. I don’t like it but have got used to it. I also used to live alone.

I think I read somewhere it’s an evolutionary thing to be scared. As a pp said we used to have the protection of a tribe so it’s in us to be scared or worried on our own.

I felt the same when I started living alone but you get used to it

You'll be fine

Your feelings are normal. People saying get a grip are just mean. I am speaking as someone who is alone with kids for a couple of nights as dh is away for work. I am not particularly frightened, but my kids are older and I have a dog.

I miss my days alone in the house! DH used to go away for work pre-dc, and I liked indulging in takeaways and binge-watching and just having the place to myself. Never crossed my mind to be scared! After we had dc1, he insisted he wouldn't go away with work any more so I wouldn't be stuck doing the evenings with dc on my own. Which is really helpful especially with 2 dc with staggered bedtimes, but I do miss my alone time!

It's because you are not use to it. I was in my early 20's when I first had to spend a night with no one else in the house and I was terrified but it became normal quite quickly. I've lived alone for years and sleep like a baby.

Lock your doors and close your curtains before it gets dark. Make sure your phone is near the bed for reassurance and lay off the caffeine tomorrow afternoon.

You'll be fine.

Do you think men are frightened to go to sleep on their own?
People keep saying 'don't be mean' - but we need to stop normalising this kind of infantile female behaviour. There is nothing lurking under your bed!

I appreciate I'm a more extreme case, but when my husband worked nights, I was debilitated with fear and developed some intense mental health problems on top of my existing ones. I had OCD-like compulsions, night terrors and insomnia which then led to worsening depression/anxiety. It was a vicious cycle that went on for months. I don't know how, but one day after a particularly bad night I just.. snapped out of it. It was like I knew I couldn't go on like it any longer and all of a sudden I was OK, sleeping through the night and if I heard a bump I'd go down and investigate to put my mind at ease instead of frozen in my bed all night. I guess it was like exposure therapy.

Your fears might seem irrational to some of the other posters on here but trust me, I feel you. It's scary. There are steps to alleviate it as much as possible though. Light-hearted shows or movies before bed, relaxing teas or other comforting drinks, white noise to fall asleep to. I'd also make a point of setting your alarms if you have them and locking your doors as part of your nightly routine so you don't have that moment of drifting off and suddenly second-guessing yourself. You'll be okay

My children's Dad doesn't live with he stays maybe once a week or so.
I always leave at least one lamp on in the house and double check I've locked the doors but other than that I don't worry.
Music and telly left on low will help as will a sympathetic friend.
Its OK to feel anxious. Don't beat yourself up or feel silly. Just have plenty of distractions to help you relax. A nice candle lit bubble bath once the kids have gone to bed would be a good start! Then some feel good light hearted telly.

@Rach224 ignore anyone who is not sympathetic. You are not being unreasonable. I have stayed in my house many a time with four young children alone (husband away) but it is not the norm, and the first time, or occasionally, I still get the jumps. The more you do it, the easier it is, and it is "helpful" for you to cope with it as you will have to do it in the future. As OPs say, it helps if you batten down the hatches early, once you are all in, in daylight, lock all doors etc. and settle in for the night, let the kids sleep in with you if it makes you happier ( a rare treat for mine and they loved it). I'd also advise, a) phone by your bed b) a friend to call if you get properly spooked, and c) be knackered, relaxed, warm and comfy, go to bed later rather than earlier. What I would not advise is having cams on notification mode (if you have one - ring doorbell etc.) By all means have them recording, but if they are too sensitive they just add to the stress (a lorry went past, a moth flew into it, a tiny noise and you are up looking at it), Admit that this will be a bit of a test, and rejoice the morning and normality. The more times you do it, the less it will become. Until it is not a "thing", and then you will properly enjoy it actually, but it takes time.

My DP works away a lot. He's been away for 7 weeks already and still has right now another week to go so I can share some of the things I do
During the day, I always have Alexa on the radio in the kitchen.
I go to bed at the same time as DS so I do dinner, shower, jammies and back down stairs for some tv before bed. I make myself a cuppa and some toast and relax before bedtime
All doors locked and lights off
I sleep with a hot water bottle too so it feels like DP is next to me

And starfish the bed as much as I want surrounded by pillows

Would you feel better if you don't switch all the lights off, but leave a few here and there on? Or would you feel better going to bed while it's still light and watch netflix from your phone (with one earpod in if necessary to be very quiet). Try to identify which situation makes you anxious and find a solution that makes it better or less stressful.

My husband is away a lot.

Make sure you lock up securely, early on in the evening.

Have the radio on quietly - telly is good, but with radio there's a real, live person speaking to you.

Phone a family member or friend after the kids are settled and have a chat.

Sort out the logistics - if he usually stops off to buy bread on the way home, when are you going to do it etc?

As I get into bed, I always remind myself that my mother and a friend live alone permanently. They do this every night and it's fine.

You'll do great, OP. 'Nothing to fear but fear itself' and all that.

I knew it wasn’t my imagination re evolution. It’s not needing to get a grip, the anxiety is an evolutionary one!

article here that I have found (not one I read originally but similar) this one to do with the dark, the one I read originally was to do with being alone at night.

https://www.sciencealert.com/here-s-the-evolutionary-reason-why-we-re-afraid-of-the-dark#