Have you 'designed' your life? If so, tell me how!

[MyRabbit79]

I've never really had a plan. I've just gone with the flow, which has been ok, but now I'm feeling the need to make some changes to my life and I don't know how.

I love a list and a plan in my work life, but I can't seem to apply this to my personal life. Is it even possible?

Please share your advice on how you've designed your life to give you what you want!

---

(My situation:
Early 40s
Child free
Partner
House and garden
Self employed - which is slow at the moment and causing me stress. I also wfh which I find lonely.
Dog - lovely but hard work.
Family are far away
Friends have dwindled, partly due to many of them having kids and being unavailable compared with pre-kids
Am feeling slightly lonely, unfulfilled, 'is this it?' I need to take control and make changes.)

Following as in a similar situation!

I have loose plans only as I don’t believe in rigidity. Going with the flow is often a fairly healthy position to be in in life.

I am 35 with three teenagers, a home and a husband. Our dog died last year and we will not be getting another one (hard work).

I have just graduated with a first class degree and my loose plans are starting a masters in 2024 alongside my job and potentially going down the PhD route.

We will see. So far, I’m just trying to keep my sanity intact with three teens. Seems like a good plan 🤣

Well, when you imagine a fulfilling life, what does it look like? Are you living in the same place or somewhere else? What kind of somewhere else, if the latter? Are you working in a different job, which is more social and fulfilling, or are you surrounded by friends outside of work? Are you still with your partner?

Basically, it will come down to how much change you’re prepared to initiate.

Tried lots of different classes and groups as relocated twice in my life and all very long-standing friends live hundreds of miles away. Some classes have worked out and some haven’t. I am doing belly dancing lessons and tai chi . I found a free class to try both out. Quite a few classes offer a one off for free to try. I’m unwell currently with an ear issue so can’t do anything much as off balance. I have really missed my classes.

Would you consider working with a life coach? This is exactly their domain.

Hopefully some wise people will help us out!

These are just questions really because everyone is different

I would start with the long term direction - do you see yourself living where you are the rest of your life ? Because if you don't then at your age I'd move before looking for better work and friends.

Then it sounds like you would like a different job with more stability? Or if you got more fulfilment and social contact elsewhere do you think you could ride out the tough times ?

Then it sounds like you miss having friends - if you stay where you are would you want to wait for your friends to emerge from the family life stage or look for more ? In the later case it's hobbies and volunteering that ( over a period of a few years ) can lead to new friendships - if there is something that motivates you, you will find people like you.

And finally the more vague idea of self fulfilment - and again I would be looking at hobbies and volunteering. What skill do you admire? What have you always fancied trying? What did you do as a child that you have had to drop ? What things do you regret not doing ? ( doing , is not the same not happening for you )

And because I haven't said it - I also think exercise is really important- I think it's easier to feel happy and content if your body gets regular exercise. At your age it's worth making sure you have weights in there as well as anything else

For reference: my plan was decades in development and a few years to implement - in my 50s as I had to wait for family to grow up

• big move - close to family to a much more rural setting
• do much more walking now which I always loved doing - so easy to fit in living here
• always wanted to play music - so now learning and that's led to friendships and volunteering opportunities

What do you want your life to be like?
If you could imagine your desired realistic life right now, what would it look like?

Start there.

Then work out what is hindering you.

Then work out what you need to do to overcome this.

If you want a really in depth plan then apply that to the following categories -

Partner
Family and friends
Work
Finances
Health and fitness
Home
Spirituality (doesn't have to be religious if you're not)
Fun and leisure
Personal growth and learning

See, your loose plans are probably more than I've ever had. Good luck with your studies!

Good points. Some things are relatively constant in my vague idea of the future including partner, dog and, for now, where we live.

That's great, have you met people you've clicked with? I do have a couple of classes on the go which I enjoy but haven't met anyone through them really.

Oooh yes! Not really considered this thank you. I will look into it.

Please share your advice on how you've designed your life to give you what you want

Step 1: What do you want? Make a list.

Here, if you want help on how to get the things you want. But for yourself, regardless of that. Working out what you want and making your short, mid, and long term plans is something you can do today, without moving further than going to get a pad and pencil, and it'll hugely help you in terms of feeling together and in control of getting the life you want.

Write down the life you want.
Imagine it is in 5 years time, or 10 years time.

Work backwards to see what you would/could do to make the things you want into the things you have in that future time.

Now, you have a plan designed to get you to the life you want.
Follow it.

Just don't forget you change over time, so what you wanted 2 years ago might not be what you want any longer.
So check it every 6 months to a year, see how you are doing working towards your goal & if you want to change any of it.

I tend to get my head down and get on with things that I need to do in that phase of my life. When there is a challenge it’s very clear what to do. So when kids were small I was dedicated to giving them opportunities and showing them the world. In Covid it was about keeping my company running and getting kids through high school. Then getting divorced and settling into new home. When there is no challenge apart from not being stuck in a rut I think it’s harder to plan your life.

For me your post is screaming out that you need a change of job. I started a new role in a large company and I love it - so sociable, so fun being in a team, and all the corporate things like staff Christmas do, company newsletter, I love all the cheesy ‘belonging’ side of it. Mix of wfh, travel, and office - suits me perfectly.

I think I get stuck on defining what I want as it seems like such a huge question. I guess I need to break it down

I'm very similar to you OP, go with the flow and have never had a life plan. When people ask questions like 'What would you like your life to be like?', or 'What do you want to do'? I genuinely have no idea. I only realised recently that this is unusual and most people have plans/ dreams/ambitions.

I agree @MyRabbit79 that 'What do you want?' feels like too big a question. How do people go about breaking it down?

I would work out 3 key areas you want to fix over the next 12 months. Say these are:

• a career promotion
• a better social life
• getting on top of life admin

Then think about what you need to do/ might accomplish this. Eg. Some extra responsibility you can take on at work/ reading some business development literature/making plans with friends/ taking up a hobby etc

Then buy a planner and actually write in the planner week by week what you are going to do and when you are doing it. So week 1 might be that you are going to buy and read Lean in, you are going to phone Jane and arrange a time to meet her and John for dinner and you are going to identify a hobby group.

Then record the dinner commitment in the planner and the date on which the hobby group starts/ you need to enrol for it so you don’t miss them. Add in the dates that all the admin needs to be done - the MOT, insurance renewals, pet vaccinations etc and if you will want to shop around for quotes put the task in the planner for a month beforehand.

I find doing it this way means I am not trying to do everything all at once - there is a manageable amount scheduled each week but as new ideas occur they can be scheduled in for a later date so they aren’t forgotten and you are working on all your 3 main goals across the year. The next year, you buy a new planner and your 3 key goals may change or be carried forward. The planners aren’t usually dated like diaries so you can start at any time of year.

Work to live and not live to work was one of our plans so for the last few years we’ve slowly been reducing our working hours and spending more time living.

As pp say, planning only works if you have an end goal in mind. So what do you want to do ultimately?

Level up/change career/start business
Get degree/masters/phd
Retire early
Travel more
Fill your time with hobbies/learning skills
Make art/write a book
Make more friends
Be closer to family
Improve your home/garden.
Mentor someone/Foster a teenager

Agree with keeping it lose / directional.
Don't overhaul everything at once

I think you need to set an overall objective / goal and work down from there.

From what you have written your job isn't working well for you - so worth looking at changes there as a primary focus.
I would also look at a hobby or fitness goal as it's good way to make friends as a secondary focus.

I wanted to improve my health one year as I had been in a stressful job and neglected my health so I decided my goal was to run a marathon (I thought it was a nice bucket list thing and a good goal to improve fitness)
So I did couch to 5k, then park run where I worked on my times. Once I did confident i could run it in 30 mins and under I picked marathon about 6 months out and started training by running longer distances. Then I ran the marathon which was super fun and I made a really good friend out of it.

I never had a plan until fairly recently. I remember a boss asking me years ago what my five year plan was and I just looked at him blankly. Now I do have one. I thought it would involve further study, a PhD perhaps, success in my field, etc. But then I realised what I really want after some hard years is enjoyment, fun and lightness. So I've found a load of inspiration online for festivals, gigs, and travel. I'm going to start doing them one by one, beginning with a trip next weekend! I think the key is to know yourself and what excites you, and make your plans from there. Start to dream.

Another significant part of my plan involves shedding, not adding. So I'm decluttering gradually. I'm becoming more minimalist about my purchases, choosing quality over quantity. Also, I won't be getting more pets when my dog dies. I am actively trying to celebrate my children's independence (a hard one). I will not be lining myself up for grandparent duties when the time comes. I want freedom to travel and leave the house without a care, for as long as my health allows.

A life coach is an option. However, another alternative is to get one of the "Design your life" type books. There's one I read a few years ago which was excellent but I'm struggling to find it now. It had a rainbow cover & talked about 7 pillars of life. If a book with lots of writing feels overwhelming, a fun workbook is Design the life you love. Has a red cover and author is called Ayse. It breaks down each life area and helps you work out what you want/how to get there.

I also like the journal by law of attraction as a planner type option.

I have always engineered my life towards what I want. That isn’t to say hurdles, barriers, unexpected opportunities etc haven’t arisen and changed my plans. I can’t imagine just not having plans though - it’s deeply ingrained in my personality to be like that.

Career wise, I have a very specific goal and have always worked towards that. That began with education, continued with further and further studies, training, many years of experience, additional qualifications and roles over the years that I hadn’t originally envisaged. I’m still about 5 years and one more promotion away from that ultimate role and it will be a HUGE life goal
completed when i get there. I’ve felt emotional at every single promotion/ achievement along the way on my pursuit.

Family wise, I wanted a husband and DC, a dog, the full package. There’s an enormous amount of luck involved in fulfilling those things, however, I also actively dated and sought out my ideal match from an early age. I didn’t waste time and had my DC late 20s when I wanted them (obv struck lucky on the fertility stakes and that’s not a given).

Then there are other areas of my life - I wanted a specific house and bought, renovated and sold houses every few years to work up to my dream house (which we bought about six months ago). I also enjoy my hobbies and ensure I spend time doing them because they’re important to me.

With friendships, I will actively reach out and nurture people that I value and hold dear to me. I carve out time to speak to them and I don’t waste any time on people I don’t want in my life. I suppose I’ve engineered it such that I’m surrounded by people I love being surrounded by.

I imagine lots of people are like this. Focus your energy on what you want and do what’s important to you.

Read this book: how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones.