Page 2 | Have you 'designed' your life? If so, tell me how!

MyRabbit79 · 2023-10-08T08:49:31+00:00

I've never really had a plan. I've just gone with the flow, which has been ok, but now I'm feeling the need to make some changes to my life and I don't know how. I love a list and a plan in my work life, but I can't seem to apply this to my personal life. Is it even possible? Please share your advice on how you've designed your life to give you what you want! --- (My situation: Early 40s Child free Partner House and garden Self employed - which is slow at the moment and causing me stress. I also wfh which I find lonely. Dog - lovely but hard work. Family are far away Friends have dwindled, partly due to many of them having kids and being unavailable compared with pre-kids Am feeling slightly lonely, unfulfilled, 'is this it?' I need to take control and make changes.)

Excitingnewusername · 08/10/2023 13:50

Thank you for starting this thread OP, I'm in the same position and really not happy with life at the moment but unsure how to change things.

With DH for many years, who I Iove, but he's really struggled for quite a few years with everything and it's really worn both of us down. I feel more like his mum than his wife and we have no shared plans. He's happy with this, I'm not.

Child free, not by my choice. DH is happy with the situation and I'm too old now to leave and start out again alone as my clock's ticking too fast. Also love DH.

Feel like the life I have is not in any way making up for grieving not having a family (and not even trying thanks to DH apathy inspite of saying he did want to).

House is... okay... I don't love it. It's a compromise. It could be better but I don't want to throw money at it and still be unhappy. But I worry that if we move somewhere bigger it will just feel even more empty.

Miss my friends, don't want life to be about work but it's the only place I feel any sense of purpose or achievement. Have work-related ambitions but that's about it.

TotalOverhaul · 08/10/2023 13:54

Yes on and off. I definitely need to have another big go at it soon as DC have left home so this is a new phase.

A brilliant method is: Draw a large square and divide it into 9 smaller squares. Put an aspect of life into each square e.g. family, Friends, Fitness, Work, Leisure, Learning etc. One of the squares must be Community/Charity - the rest are up to you.

Then you examine each aspect of your life in its current state and take one action in each of the nine areas at least once a week, if not once a day. Daily actions can be small, e.g text a friend and suggest a coffee or do a 10 minute online yoga stretch etc. But also plot in some more challenging plans each month e.g. join a new craft/fitness group or apply for an MA.

As you work on each area of your life, bit by bit (keep a journal or private blog or file to record progress) your whole life blooms. It's really quite easy. the point is that if one or more areas of your life fall apart - lose job or partner, friends drift etc, then the other 8 areas keep you buoyant until you get that aspect of life back on track.

I've never got on with those "Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 3? 1? 6 months, 1 month" etc. Working backwards to today to find out what you should be doing to reach your 5 year goal. I don't know why but they make me feel cornered. But they might help another personality type. I love the variety of the 9 box method.

Another thing I love:

Make sure you have a tiny thing to look forward to each day (fav TV programme, coffee with a friend) something small each week (evening class, night out with partner or mates) something big each month - going to see a favourite band, weekend away etc, something massive each season - a great holiday, major celebration, major hike or climb, and something life enhancing - a big goal reached each year - job promotion, new home, new baby, gaining a degree, getting published, running a marathon etc - those landmark things that stand out in a year. That way, life is always exciting. I do try to stick to this.

user1471548941 · 08/10/2023 14:05

I worked out what my ideal life was in terms of priority order and basically worked backwards from there.

Priority was own my own home in a favourite town of mine.
To do that I needed to earn X amount which was more than a “starter” job.
Therefore I needed an employer with progression where I’d be happy work long term.
Investigated roles at the biggest and best paying employer in a sector I was interested in, got job after about 18 months of CV building and research.
Needed deposit also for mortgage so that meant staying at home with parents with cheap rent to save etc etc.

I got the job at 23, bought the house at 24.

Second priority for me was having a life partner and that was part luck but part always looking for potential partners either by considering people I knew/met or online dating. Online dating was a bit disastrous but toughened me up and taught me a lot about what I wanted. Ended up meeting DH at work, a year after I bought the house and he was very clearly life partner potential.

Spent the next few years building our relationship, holidays, moving in etc, then getting married and buying a house together. Another of my goals is retire early so we saved a new deposit together and converted my place to a rental.

We are now pretty settled as my priorities of house, partner and back up financial plan are in place but the “visualise the dream life and work backwards” really helped me get there.

We very romantically encourage our kids to “do something they love” for a career but I think we miss out on other priorities. I LIKE my job but far more important to me is that my employer has a good culture- flex working, sick pay, very stable place to work and pays well enough to support a decent lifestyle. I will also say a second income, so for me when DH moved in, accelerates everything!

Our next goal is travel but to facilitate this we need a bit more disposable income so we are both focusing on building savings/ overpaying the mortgage a little and I am working towards a promotion and payrise. We’ve decided that we would like 1 x 2 week long haul holiday per year plus a couple of nights away for our anniversary each year, estimated the cost of this each year and are working towards having this amount divided by 12 as spare income each month. In the meantime we are having shorter holidays in UK/Europe.

I think it’s seen as crude to aspire to luxury lifestyle/high income these days but honestly, it’s been a god send with the CoL crisis as we always know we have luxuries that can be dropped if required.

LumiB · 08/10/2023 14:12

I figured out what makes me happy and built nt life around it. I love music and I go to lots of gigs even those events abroad. So I need money to fund but I also want a work life balance ao finding the right level of salary that lets me do all those things.

The key is understanding what u like and want out of life, is travelling 3 times a yr important to you, is it doing creative things, learning to play an instrument etc.

slithytoveisascientist · 08/10/2023 15:07

The wheel of life is a really useful tool to look at and plan what you want to change and how

What SE job do you do from home?

Original poster

MyRabbit79 · 08/10/2023 15:12

Brokendaughter · 08/10/2023 12:31

Write down the life you want.
Imagine it is in 5 years time, or 10 years time.

Work backwards to see what you would/could do to make the things you want into the things you have in that future time.

Now, you have a plan designed to get you to the life you want.
Follow it.

Just don't forget you change over time, so what you wanted 2 years ago might not be what you want any longer.
So check it every 6 months to a year, see how you are doing working towards your goal & if you want to change any of it.

This sounds like what I need to do. I like the step by step approach.

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MyRabbit79 · 08/10/2023 15:13

When there is no challenge apart from not being stuck in a rut I think it’s harder to plan your life

This bit is very true.

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MyRabbit79 · 08/10/2023 15:14

@VioletCharlottte glad it's not just me!

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MyRabbit79 · 08/10/2023 15:16

Katrinawaves · 08/10/2023 12:52

I would work out 3 key areas you want to fix over the next 12 months. Say these are:

a career promotion
a better social life
getting on top of life admin

Then think about what you need to do/ might accomplish this. Eg. Some extra responsibility you can take on at work/ reading some business development literature/making plans with friends/ taking up a hobby etc

Then buy a planner and actually write in the planner week by week what you are going to do and when you are doing it. So week 1 might be that you are going to buy and read Lean in, you are going to phone Jane and arrange a time to meet her and John for dinner and you are going to identify a hobby group.

Then record the dinner commitment in the planner and the date on which the hobby group starts/ you need to enrol for it so you don’t miss them. Add in the dates that all the admin needs to be done - the MOT, insurance renewals, pet vaccinations etc and if you will want to shop around for quotes put the task in the planner for a month beforehand.

I find doing it this way means I am not trying to do everything all at once - there is a manageable amount scheduled each week but as new ideas occur they can be scheduled in for a later date so they aren’t forgotten and you are working on all your 3 main goals across the year. The next year, you buy a new planner and your 3 key goals may change or be carried forward. The planners aren’t usually dated like diaries so you can start at any time of year.

This is what I need to do. Thank you! Also, I love any reason for planners and stationery.

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MyRabbit79 · 08/10/2023 15:17

@CheshireCat1 see, I thought this was what I wanted too, but work has slowed down (self employed) and am hating it. Wonder if it's because it's not by choice?

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MyRabbit79 · 08/10/2023 15:19

@Totalwasteofpaper such an amazing achievement, congratulations!

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MyRabbit79 · 08/10/2023 15:21

remember a boss asking me years ago what my five year plan was and I just looked at him blankly.

This would have been my response too!

Interesting you've switched from work/study as a priority.

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MyRabbit79 · 08/10/2023 15:27

@Bigbiggirlinabigbigworld I really like the look of the book with the red cover. Quite practical/workbook-like.

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Tangledbaby · 08/10/2023 15:29

What’s your relationship with your DP like? Does he have a ‘plan’?

I notice people in general seem to achieve a lot more when newly single and getting over a relationship. They change up their look, decide to lose weight and join new things. They may even change jobs and move areas following a breakup.

Then others who are in a relationship long term but also steadily achieve seem to do so because their partner is also focused on a joint venture with them e.g setting up a business together. Or their partner is motivated with goals which in turn pushes them.

Others who are happy with the status quo have partners who also like to plod along so both get stuck in a rut.

You often get one person who would happily move, travel, emigrate, change jobs etc, but due to the other persons lack of motivation it doesn’t happen for either.

I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t underestimate how much a partner can hold you back subconsciously or push you forward. What are they like? What’s their life plan?

If you’re together long term then it’s hard to make any big/real change without changing up the relationship dynamics or compromising unless they too are on board.

Original poster

MyRabbit79 · 08/10/2023 15:29

SnapBang · 08/10/2023 13:41

I have always engineered my life towards what I want. That isn’t to say hurdles, barriers, unexpected opportunities etc haven’t arisen and changed my plans. I can’t imagine just not having plans though - it’s deeply ingrained in my personality to be like that.

Career wise, I have a very specific goal and have always worked towards that. That began with education, continued with further and further studies, training, many years of experience, additional qualifications and roles over the years that I hadn’t originally envisaged. I’m still about 5 years and one more promotion away from that ultimate role and it will be a HUGE life goal
completed when i get there. I’ve felt emotional at every single promotion/ achievement along the way on my pursuit.

Family wise, I wanted a husband and DC, a dog, the full package. There’s an enormous amount of luck involved in fulfilling those things, however, I also actively dated and sought out my ideal match from an early age. I didn’t waste time and had my DC late 20s when I wanted them (obv struck lucky on the fertility stakes and that’s not a given).

Then there are other areas of my life - I wanted a specific house and bought, renovated and sold houses every few years to work up to my dream house (which we bought about six months ago). I also enjoy my hobbies and ensure I spend time doing them because they’re important to me.

With friendships, I will actively reach out and nurture people that I value and hold dear to me. I carve out time to speak to them and I don’t waste any time on people I don’t want in my life. I suppose I’ve engineered it such that I’m surrounded by people I love being surrounded by.

I imagine lots of people are like this. Focus your energy on what you want and do what’s important to you.

This is so interesting! I honestly never thought of approaching life like this. I wonder how many people I know do this and we just don't discuss it.

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MyRabbit79 · 08/10/2023 15:32

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 08/10/2023 13:48

Read this book: how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones.

I'll look this up, thank you.

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Boomboom22 · 08/10/2023 15:34

Do you mean you want a baby? I think you do.

Notexpectedd · 08/10/2023 15:34

I need to make a plan / design as have been stuck for years now not happy and not able to work I’d like to plan to try and get a hobby and get out once or twice a week, maybe do some bits in my house to make me feel better

Original poster

MyRabbit79 · 08/10/2023 15:35

@Excitingnewusername so sorry you're in a rut too. The child free element is tricky. Even though I'm (mostly) there by choice I think (for me at least) it intensifies the pressure to be achieving something else. I don't know.

When you say you miss your friends, is that due to a move or to different life stages etc?

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AutumnAuntie · 08/10/2023 15:36

I’m mid 50’s now and have a very good network of friends but I remember being late 30’s and not really having any. I decided that I would have friends by the time I’m 40 and I would invite them all to
a party and so that is what I did.
I went all out joining things, chatting more to neighbours and anyone I knew I thought could they become a friend? I arranged coffees, lunches out, lunches at my house and it was a bit like dating. It paid off and I got some really good friends. Two of them I now consider my best friends who I see separately every other week.
Another thing I’d suggest is get a hobby for inside and one for outside of the house. I gave a crafty one for inside so I always have something I really enjoy to do.

Original poster

MyRabbit79 · 08/10/2023 15:37

TotalOverhaul · 08/10/2023 13:54

Yes on and off. I definitely need to have another big go at it soon as DC have left home so this is a new phase.

A brilliant method is: Draw a large square and divide it into 9 smaller squares. Put an aspect of life into each square e.g. family, Friends, Fitness, Work, Leisure, Learning etc. One of the squares must be Community/Charity - the rest are up to you.

Then you examine each aspect of your life in its current state and take one action in each of the nine areas at least once a week, if not once a day. Daily actions can be small, e.g text a friend and suggest a coffee or do a 10 minute online yoga stretch etc. But also plot in some more challenging plans each month e.g. join a new craft/fitness group or apply for an MA.

As you work on each area of your life, bit by bit (keep a journal or private blog or file to record progress) your whole life blooms. It's really quite easy. the point is that if one or more areas of your life fall apart - lose job or partner, friends drift etc, then the other 8 areas keep you buoyant until you get that aspect of life back on track.

I've never got on with those "Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 3? 1? 6 months, 1 month" etc. Working backwards to today to find out what you should be doing to reach your 5 year goal. I don't know why but they make me feel cornered. But they might help another personality type. I love the variety of the 9 box method.

Another thing I love:

Make sure you have a tiny thing to look forward to each day (fav TV programme, coffee with a friend) something small each week (evening class, night out with partner or mates) something big each month - going to see a favourite band, weekend away etc, something massive each season - a great holiday, major celebration, major hike or climb, and something life enhancing - a big goal reached each year - job promotion, new home, new baby, gaining a degree, getting published, running a marathon etc - those landmark things that stand out in a year. That way, life is always exciting. I do try to stick to this.

So many useful ideas here, thank you.

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MyRabbit79 · 08/10/2023 15:39

@user1471548941 I wish I'd been that focused in my early 20s! I literally never thought beyond my social plans for that week.

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MyRabbit79 · 08/10/2023 15:40

@slithytoveisascientist I'm a writer. I don't love it but I don't hate it. That seems to be how I've felt about most jobs I've had.

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Valerianandfoxglovesoup · 08/10/2023 15:45

Kind of in that we decided I would have the career when we decided to move abroad and he would leave industry and be the trailing spouse because I had better earning potential. Because oil and schools are always in the same areas, he took a PGCE so only has to work 180 days a year so is free to run the family side of things. Whoever we move countries we always know where we want to go next but enjoy our life and it works for us. I grew up with a diplomat parent so it's second nature to me to move around and the places we have lived are all beautiful. I know that is a lot of people's worst nightmare though, horses for courses!

Excitingnewusername · 08/10/2023 15:52

I think you're right that it intensifies the feeling that you need to find more of a purpose and can feel more adrift as you miss 'natural' rhythms of the year and time passing (and clear goals).

Friends have all moved away, apart from work friends, so again back to the only purpose/life is work based.