Have you 'designed' your life? If so, tell me how!

[MyRabbit79]

I've never really had a plan. I've just gone with the flow, which has been ok, but now I'm feeling the need to make some changes to my life and I don't know how.

I love a list and a plan in my work life, but I can't seem to apply this to my personal life. Is it even possible?

Please share your advice on how you've designed your life to give you what you want!

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(My situation:
Early 40s
Child free
Partner
House and garden
Self employed - which is slow at the moment and causing me stress. I also wfh which I find lonely.
Dog - lovely but hard work.
Family are far away
Friends have dwindled, partly due to many of them having kids and being unavailable compared with pre-kids
Am feeling slightly lonely, unfulfilled, 'is this it?' I need to take control and make changes.)

No, that's not an option

@Notexpectedd making the house nicer definitely helps me feel better. Are there any small things you could start with?

If you are looking for a tool/ structure, there is a method called The One Thing, which basically gives a route map to work back from your goals and priorities to the small actions you can take today. There's a whole system behind it, but if you want a workbook style tool, they have some resources on their website that are free to download.

This includes a template called the GPS and another called the 411. The former is to help you clarify goals and priorities and the latter helps to break these down.

• a career promotion
• a better social life
• getting on top of life admin

I like the idea of breaking it down into areas, but they are all still pretty beige. OP is 40, and child free. You have half your adult life and more ahead of you. Your young and footloose but established enough to likely have money and choice. This is exciting. Be bold.

I have one goal in life and that’s freedom. Financial freedom, freedom of time - in my day to day and over months & years. Still haven’t quite worked out how to get there. But certainly making steps

I have OP.

I always knew I didn't want a partner and children but wanted a great social life so I sought out and kept in touch with friends.

I've ran a business for the last 5 years and love working from home but network at least weekly and now have lots of business friends who are just brilliant.

holidays are hugely important so I save a % of each invoice for them.

Essentially I decided what I wanted and worked to make it happen. I actively book things I want to do, sometimes alone and sometimes with friends so that they happen. I don't wait for things and don't play the role of passenger. Knowing I'd never have anyone to rely on had made me get on with things.

The other bit of advice that really helped me (can't recall where I heard it first, but it wasn't me)

People wildly overestimate the amount they can achieve in one year.
People wildly underestimate the amount they can achieve in ten years.

So, you need to give it time, because it's not something that necessarily will get fast results.

What sort of writing? What do / don't you love about it?

In a similar position (cat not dog!), and I’ve decided that rather than look for a big change to make me happy I do little things, and occasionally bigger ones, to keep me happy. I went interrailing earlier this year, I try to sign up to learn new things and volunteer, and I do more of what makes me happy like going to the theatre. I do enjoy my work, which I know is not the same for all, but I can see you do too OP.

So maybe make small changes to the bits of your life that aren’t going so well. Making friends in your 40s when you don’t have kids is hard, but possible, so I would focus on that.

I think I get stuck on defining what I want as it seems like such a huge question. I guess I need to break it down

OK, well, if you've never identified what you want, that'll be why you haven't got it or aren't feeling on your way to getting it. Which looks miserable but is actually a brilliant thing to have identified. So, saying what you want as one thing is impossible. Because it's not one thing. Could you break it down by writing a few versions of what your perfect day would look like? And what would be in your perfect week, and month? Lovely creative writing project. You can include everything, the 'flying home from work on my magic carpet' and the 'bin-taking-out-robot' and the sound proof sleep-booth... it's a work of fantasy, but when you're done, you can work towards some of the things on it, and get going to wards a life that looks a lot more like your dream than what you have now.

You have to identify what you want. Life's a menu. It's all available, but if you don't choose something and order it, you just get to watch other people enjoy it, and feel sorry for yourself.

@SnapBang and @user1471548941 I really admire your very directed way of shaping your lives.

I do have clear plans for the future but they are often contingent on other people. E.g. I want to work abroad for a year or two now DC have left home but DH doesn't, so that's a stumbling block. Other plans he's on board with, so they move more quickly - travel and house move.

Out of interest - how do you both organise achieving your goals if they don't align with other family members?

I have only been to the dance class three times but seem very nice. I am also in a hiking group and appear to have clicked with one woman really well and quite quickly and a couple of others have potential.

It’s a numbers game though. I reckon you can click well with around 10% of people and have the chance to become a long standing friend, it’s finding that 10%. I’m sure among the other 90% there are plenty of ok people but you have to both be in each others 10%.

Thanks, I'll look this up.

I appreciate this positive view, thank you!

This is really interesting to read. And v relevant as am literally just considering booking an art class but would be solo, but it's something I really want to do.

@Lovemycat2023 it's so hard! I am nostalgic for college/university when it was all so much easier.

Life's a menu. It's all available, but if you don't choose something and order it, you just get to watch other people enjoy it, and feel sorry for yourself.

Feel like I need to write this down and keep it somewhere prominent!

Article by Philippa Perry in the Obsever yesterday on this -

https://www.theguardian.com/global/2023/oct/08/want-to-find-fulfilment-heres-what-my-years-as-an-agony-aunt-has-taught-me?CMP=ShareiOSAppp_Other

Interesting about the art class OP. Is it/why is it a problem that it's solo? I'm about to join a choir solo. Awkward walking in sure, but after that it brings me joy and I stay or it doesn't and I don't. Nothing to worry about or agonise over.

Again, I expect to do some stuff solo, holiday solo etc sometimes and love my own company, as well as loving time with friends.