Does anyone deal with stress really well? What's the secret?

[2764mice]

I made the mistake of opening my work emails this morning and received some news that upset me and has caused me anxiety all day, basically ruined my Saturday, I had to call our EAP for mental health support and speak to several friends /cry down the phone. My work has a lot of responsibility attached to it so all the problems land on my doorstep. I feel like I'm constantly on a emotional rollercoaster. When things are going well, I'm mostly just waiting to the next horror to come round the corner.

Is anyone else dealing with a lot of stress but managing it really well? What's the secret? How can I stop these various crises from getting to me? I hate feeling like this.

Following with interest, as am exactly like you, OP, since I took on a senior management role with lots of firefighting. I was actually suicidal at one point this year and was signed off work by my GP.

In your example if it is nothing I can sort out until Monday, I make every effort not to think about it - if I can't actively do anything, worrying doesn't help. Telling you not to check your emails is unhelpful, but don't do this on a day off again!
I am a big believer in 'Don't borrow trouble ' - if I cannot or am not going to do anything about a situation, or it is not immediately happening, I just work hard not to think about it, it doesn't get me anywhere, ruins the moment and wrecks my head, so I just park it. As a massive over thinker it has taken a long time to get to this point.

I have zero advice but would react like you. Something like that would ruin my weekend. Do you have to look at work emails when you're not working? I'd avoid it if you could, hope you're ok.

I try to live for the moment and not worry about things I can’t change.
I don’t think about work when I’m not there and don’t think about home when I’m at work.
I like to walk, swim and read.
The exercise clears my mind and reading sends me to another world where I focus on that only.
When facing difficulties I talk to good friends who I know have my best interests at heart. It’s good you have people to confide in too.
Maybe don’t look at work emails whilst at home anymore. It can wait. Be kind to yourself. Lower your expectations of yourself. Most of us are too hard on ourselves.
Work is important but ultimately we are all replaceable and therefore we shouldn’t let it spoil other things. If you feel work is a massive source of stress I’d consider moving somewhere else. It’s just a means to an end and shouldn’t make you unhappy. Would you consider something with less responsibility? I used to have a very stressful job but I changed careers in my late 30s.
There is always going to be stress but some is unavoidable and some we can get rid of by making decisions to change things.
Id write a list of what is making you feel this way. On one side put the things you can’t change and on the other the things you can. You can see clearly what needs to change in the foreseeable then
If you don’t get any free time for you for example you need to find some time in the week to do whatever makes you happy.

I know that parking it would be really wise but the feeling is that I care too much to switch off. That said, I went to town today and bought a novel to try and get into a story, and that has helped a bit. It just feels a bit like escapism/ignoring, rather than being with 'what's really going on'.

It was a mistake. I logged on to check some life admin stuff and my screen was on my emails from when I logged off yesterday, and then one of the emails had a title I couldn't ignore 😩

My advice is:
Don't read work emails when you're not in work - unless your work is an 'on call' situation where you're required to
Bear in mind that you're not paid to fret & worry over this stuff outside of work hours
Work does not define you- you are still you no matter what happens in work. Don't let your identity get completely bound up in work - it's v easy to do
Don't take on responsibility for everyone & everything
Build a support network of external / more senior people who you can bounce concerns off
Be kind to yourself & remember to allow yourself to feel proud of all achievements when things go right instead of always bracing for the next crises
Find ways to relax properly outside if work - sports / cinema/ friends / family etc
Keep it in proportion- work is only ONE element of your rich & fulfilling life don't let it take over at the expense of everything else
Know when it's time to move on
I say this as a v senior professional in my 50s.
I have realised I have given as much as I'm willing to give in any role & once it regularly exceeds my limit & I can't resolve that then I know its time for me to move on
Some companies are toxic & unfixable
Some people are toxic in the workplace & unfixable

@Thequeenofwishfulthinking
Thank you. That sounds like good homework for this evening! It's a very passive way of being, so I think finding ways to remind myself that I have agency would be a good thing.

I have what is on paper, a very stressful job. It’s certainly not possible to do everything I need to do within the time. I have 2,400 emails in my inbox and urgent stuff which should have been dealt with that goes back to July. I live with this by

1.recognise it’s impossible to do everything so some things will get left

2 . Everything I do is top priority so the things that get left will eventually become the most important thing and make it to the top of my pile

3 . To do this there must be time built in to prioritise

4 . My director knows the job’s not possible so there is acknowledgment that some things are left

5 . Not caring about the things I can’t deliver as I know I’ve prioritised appropriately. So if clients aren’t happy I don’t take it personally. Need a certain personality type I think for this

I’m not perfect at this but I don’t absorb stress like others. It’s probably the autonomy to decide on my priorities and the fact the job’s impossible

Work stress or home stress? Because I can do the former but not the latter.

With work I have very much taken on the attitude of "it's only work" which has helped. I have found by enforcing firm boundaries to be beneficial - I will only work the hours I'm paid to do and no more, I start winding my day down at 430 by which I mean nothing gets started but work towards getting everything in a place where either it's finished at 5 or can be paused until the next working day. I never log on in "my" time.

I never let my inbox get too busy. If that means diarising a few hours a week to clear through it I will. If something is over 2 weeks old it's deleted and ignored, if it was important they'd have chased me, but I don't generally leave things sat for 2 weeks so no one is really affected by that.

If my work really is too much for me I put a case forward to share the load or bring in another staff member. There is only one of me, I'm not paid enough to do the work of 3 people.

Of course I get stressed, however, much less than I used to. What changed was the way I think about things. I always just think that as long as my kids are fine, I have my house and food in the fridge, then I can deal with anything else. Like nothing else is that important to me to be honest. And I just think that like we are all just equal, like regardless of job title/status etc. we are all just human beings who are equal so no one really scares me anymore (I used to be terrified of my manager and lecturers at uni due to the power dynamic). I try and live in the moment and honestly, see as long as you have your health and your kids have their health, literally nothing really matters in the long run.

And yeah boundaries. Don't check your work emails on a Saturday unless that is a day where you are paid to work. Stop caring about work when you're not being paid to care.

What was the email about that caused you this level of reaction?

I really can't think of any email I could receive from work that would cause my anxiety to raise to the level you are describing, which makes me wonder if your anxiety levels are high in general, rather than it being work induced.

A lot of emails can do that depending what field you work in and what level you work at.

UnconventionalLife’s advice is basically what I was told by my awesome boss when I had a mini breakdown and wanted to leave.

I have boundary issues but have deleted my email app and will not look at work emails at home.

Other than that, I’m a work in progress but your post could have been written by me so I’m here with tea and 🍰

My get out last resort option is just leaving and I was determined to do that but have been persuaded to stay. My days are numbered though, I have a couple of years and I will leave regardless. That helps and I know if I really do fall apart, I will leave before.

Also remembering you are just a cog in a bigger system, you are not responsible for everything. I struggle with that one but I’m trying.

My job is more stressful than usual at the moment. I've been doing a lot of moaning about it to anyone who will listen, which isn't like me, and tbh I haven't actually found that talking about it helps. If anything it winds me up further!

I gave myself a bit of a talking to yesterday and tried to take a step back mentally. This probably sounds a bit bonkers, but I like to remind myself that I am a tiny speck in the vastness of the universe, and what I do really isn't that important in the grand scheme of things.

After the majority of my life stressing about everything and everyone, what if and caring too much, I've come to the conclusion, it's pointless. Worrying and stressing over something you can't control is a waste of energy and time, nothing will change. The only result of that scenario is making myself ill.

If you look around other people really don't care as much, not in the same way. Others can quite happily leave things open ended and not reply or deal with things on the spot or even stress about it hanging. They do what they want to do and wait until they are ready, like deal with emails.

Bad news, things go sideways I'll get antsy initially but I can bring myself down. Life isn't perfect, always gonna be rough patches. I can either allow those to bring me down or think fuck it, in the grand scheme of things it's not worth wasting my life stressing and worrying.

I understand it's harder said than done but having fallen severely sick through stress in other ways, it kinda put things in perspective. You don't have to not care and be a robot but at the same time there needs to be a balance, I have found.

Honestly Im a high neurotic/ conscientious type
Realised fast-paces, firefighting roles make me unwell
Now work in a different part of organisations designing standards/ risk management. So so much more agreeable with my personality type.
Maybe try and do the same. I tried all sorts- massages, vitamins, hypnotherapy, etc none of it worked due to my over thinking personality.

With work, it's very much the realisation that I am nothing but a number to my employer, therefore, they are nothing but a pay cheque to me. Everyone is replaceable, therefore, if shit hits the fan (and it's my fault), worst case scenario, I'm out of a job. So what, there are plenty more to go around (I work in a skills shortage area, though).

I am very good at compartmentalising, and that is a skill you can practise. If it is something I can do right now, I will, but if it has to wait until Monday, then fretting will just ruin my weekend and so I keep busy with fun stuff instead. There is a Japanese proverb I have internalised over the years: The time is the same whether you spend it laughing or crying.

I preempt as much as I can, too, and stay organised as much as is physically possible. Being organised often has the knock-on effect of feeling in control, and that, in turn, helps with lowering my stress levels.

Oh, and when I get home I have a comforting drink. Some days that's herbal tea, some days it's hot chocolate with cream and others it's whiskey straight from the bottle. But I have that drink to look forward to every day.

I can't really say as it might be a bit outing.
I work for a charity in a very senior role so I end up dealing with all kinds of things - everything from colleagues' mental health crises, to accusations of discrimination, safeguarding issues, complaints, conflicts between people. I often have to make difficult decisions that mean some people are unhappy. I care deeply about getting things right and ensuring that the charity stays true to its values, so it feels difficult when things sometimes come off the tracks and I end up taking a lot of responsibility for that.

I think having a routine helps me, a few things each day that I do without fail, like 10 mins exercise etc. And mentally just trying to let go of stuff when you look at yourself worrying. Reminding yourself you've been here before and it's time to move on. And importantly, things in the calendar to look forward to. If you're focussed on something exciting and fun there's less room for stress! Even looking forward to making a new meal each week, or a short away break, or new cushions for the living room or just a nice walk - ensure there's always something you are looking to the future for to keep life more positive than negative.

Yes. I think I am the same. Definitely conscientious and an (over)thinker. Maybe I'm not cut out for the role. The responsibility has increased dramatically in the last couple of years due to a larger team and large budgets. If I left, I do wonder what sort of person could really deal with all of this though.

You care too much OP. I don’t think for a moment who would do my job if I left.

I compartmentalise. I never EVER check my work emails out of hours - there's enough to do that I could work 24/7, but I'm not being paid for that. In a true emergency (and my role is such that I do occasionally have to deal with those - fire, flood, accidents) the relevant people who need to have my number have my number. They can get hold of me. So I'm not putting myself on edge for the sake of it.

It's just a job. Worst case scenario, you'd have to leave and find another one. None of it actually matters in the grand scheme of things.

I recognise that these things are a lot easier to remember when you're not stressed, you have to really work on the conditioning in those periods so that when it does (inevitably) get stressful you can recalibrate more easily.

I work in a very fast paced job, where its impossible to do everything, tasks have to be triaged and sometimes I'm balancing 4, 5, 6 higest priority urgent tasks and can only do 2 fully.

Having autonomy to prioritise and knowing have have the knowledge to justify my priorisation is key. I never expect to get everything done and noone expects me to.

What's also key is getting a buzz from working this way. I think I'd be bored and want to leave if I had a job that wasn't this fact paced and urgent. So if you have a job that's like that, and you're not, I'd suggest finding a different job.

Is the email about something thst will be challenging but to do with your job role? Or a suggestion you personally have done wrong?

I find having issues to ponder over the weekend/evening, and the brain-space that allows, is helpful. I don't have that sort of thinking time in my working week. For me, pondering a work problem doesn't affect my time off.