Does anyone deal with stress really well? What's the secret?

[2764mice]

I made the mistake of opening my work emails this morning and received some news that upset me and has caused me anxiety all day, basically ruined my Saturday, I had to call our EAP for mental health support and speak to several friends /cry down the phone. My work has a lot of responsibility attached to it so all the problems land on my doorstep. I feel like I'm constantly on a emotional rollercoaster. When things are going well, I'm mostly just waiting to the next horror to come round the corner.

Is anyone else dealing with a lot of stress but managing it really well? What's the secret? How can I stop these various crises from getting to me? I hate feeling like this.

I think it’s personality based, people are either worriers or they are not. I am not. I just asked my husband when the last time i mentioned I was worried about something was, he said maybe a year ago, he couldn’t recall anything. Do things concern me sometimes, or make me feel apprehensive? Yes, sometimes. But on the whole I try and make decisions based on the circumstances at the time. I don’t see the point in worrying about things that haven’t happened yet, or things I can’t change.. I appreciate that is easy to say. I think it’s just the way someone is, or not.

I’ve got a stressful job that used to take over my life.

What helped was: multiple miscarriages, a miracle baby and then divorcing an abusive man and buying a house that’s falling down around my ears.

I’m not even joking, I’ve just had so much stress that I’ve kind of had to roll with it. Work stress rarely factors in, because I have so much going on at home that I HAVE to compartmentalise. And I don’t open my work emails outside of work at the moment, because nothing good can come of it.

I’ve honestly had a shit time over the last 6 years. I stay connected to friends, exercise. Reserve eating shit and drinking to the weekend. Continued with work for structure, but weirdly having an implosion in my private life made me stress less about work. Listen to music, go for a walk, take my vitamins. It all
helps and protects me. Don’t overthink (it really is a strategy, look it up), suppress a bit (again, it helps). Had counselling when it was a real shit storm.

This is me too.

I work in a senior role, in cybersecurity and company governance so deal with critical breaches of info security/data, safeguarding, legal challenges all sorts really.

But there's a logical process to dealing with any critical high value incident and panic and anxiety isn't a useful or standard reaction if this is the kind of think you are dealing with on a frequent basis.

If this is a significant part of your role and is causing this kind of reaction then either the role isn't suitable for you or your anxiety is more generally an issue and something you need to get to the bottom of, possibly with support from your GP.

I used to get stressed about work stuff..then I got cancer. That year off work made me realise that none of it (particularly work)is really that important in the grand scheme of things and I was easily replaced in my absence. I never get stressed at work now. Sorry you’ve had a ruined weekend but it will all be forgotten in a blink of an eye x

I think only very few jobs warrant the type of anxiety you experience.

So if you, like me, are just a regular corporate drone, please get some perspective. Corporations make so much money, the small “crises” you experience are absolute non-events in the grand scheme of things.

If you lead projects, know this - they are deliberately set up with unrealistic timelines and budgets. So get good at leading and adjusting timelines appropriately - it’s not a reflection on you!

Personal advice:

1. Develop a little healthy dose of anti-establishment views (privately)
2. Make money and live within your means. Always have “fuck you” money and a back-up plan
3. Get escapism hobbies that help you forget about the world (for me it’s swimming and computer games)

I’d be interested to hear about the strategy for overthinking. As I live with two chronic overthinkers!

I have

I do a really quick risk assessment.

What's the absolute worst thing that could happen as a result of this issue?

What's the likelihood of that worst thing happening?

What's the more realistic outcome?

For most issues, unless you're working in a life and death role, the worst thing that will happen is the company will lose some money and when looked at objectively, that isn't a very likely scenario. So realistically the worst thing that will happen is that you'll lose some time sorting it out and someone might get told off a bit.

Bodywork, yoga, meditation, therapy

I think your first step is separating your job from your “real life”. I can’t speak for everyone but it’s just a job to pay the bills - unless you’re a nurse or a doctor and have people lives in your hands then is it really that big of a deal?
I don’t say this to sound patronising but I’ve found it really does help me gain some perspective, I can beat myself up when there’s an error but it’s not life threatening.

I have experienced lots of stress like you describe over the years OP.

I always have a back-up plan, try to have some savings so you can quit if needed, you probably won't, but it takes some pressure away.

If a job/environment is toxic then leave, some places are not worth staying in, you'll just end up in a mess mentally.

I have taken a step back and taken a less stressful job. It has been much better for my mental health and I'm rediscovering old hobbies, reading, jigsaws, sewing.

Above all, remember you'll be replaced in a heartbeat if you got hit by the metaphorical bus.

Someone once advised me to plan in when you'll worry about something, rather than trying to not worry at all. So say to yourself I'll think about this and worry about it tomorrow morning. With me by the time to worry about it comes round I'm usually not as bothered. I'd also question is this the right job for you. I had one like yours and I was stressed all the time. I have a new job, equal levels of responsibility but because my boss, support system at work is better I'm not as stressed.

I would love to be more like this. Yes I wonder if it's fixed or if it's something you can learn

I'm going to summarise what I have learnt here:

Keep work in its place. Don't over identify with it, don't let it take over, don't regularly work over contracted hours. Learn to compartmentalise. Have other hobbies/interests going on. Schedule things to look forward to

Be realistic - understand what you can change and what you can't, how much you can do and how much you can't, don't worry about the things that you can't. Think about worse case scenario vs realistic scenario. Live in the moment

Keep things in perspective- eg..
Redefine your benchmarks: Success means you and your loved ones have their health.
Remember that you are a cog in a bigger machine and you are replaceable at work.

Celebrate your achievements when things are going well.

Movement and self care- exercise, yoga, bodywork, therapy, taking vitamins

Stay organised generally, learn to prioritise well, have good routines

Build a support network - friends, colleagues, therapist, people to confide in

Be kind to yourself ; enjoy home comforts, lower your expectations

Move on if it's not working. Keep a back up fund as a buffer in case you need to leave quickly

Hello, reading this is really interesting because I used to be exactly like this and reading through made me realise how far I've come (sorry sounds bragging but I never thought I'd be able to either!!) aside from your excellent summary above here's some other things that helped me:
Therapy - not the free EAP stuff, proper soul searching, confronting why I react and take on too much/ take on responsibility when I can't fix etc, with a good sprinkle of CBT thrown in.
Email tennis - sometimes you have to check emails at weekends and if you open "the one", just reply "thanks for your message. I appreciate the severity of this matter, and I will reply properly when I have given it some proper thought. Please expect a response by x date. In the meantime, if you need guidance, you can contact X during office hours or Y outside them"

Be extremely explicit with yourself about what "success" is in any given scenario. So for you it may be acknowledging that "keeping everyone happy" is unrealistic. "Keeping someone from taking us to court with their grievance" (from what you've said earlier) might be.
Treat work as part time consultancy. By this I mean, be brutal about your boundaries, and stick to them. Consider the time you spend out of work as important (no, MORE!!) than work - actively engage your mind on this one - it's a mindset I learned in therapy ;-) it's about separating yourSELF from the work you DO.

You need to get your head around the fact that this stuff doesn’t matter. I used to stress about stuff like this. Then I had a serious illness and faced death, and realised none of it actually matters. I’ve found meditation very helpful to learn how to focus my mind on the present, accept things and not worry.

I really wouldn’t get stressed at all re HR issues like this unless I was the one accused of something.
I think you need to put things into perspective - I work in the NHS and would only truly get stressed to the extent of ruining my day off if one of my team has been implicated in a patient death.

I work at a seniorish level in HR, the type of issues you describe are my bread and butter. I would strongly recommend talking to a therapist/career coach.

About 6 months ago I had a serious wobble as to whether I was in the right career and whether I could handle all the conflict, stress and the adversarial nature of my job. It was really, really helpful in unpacking why I was finding things difficult. All sorts of unexpected stuff from my childhood came up and understanding the impact on my adult self has been transformational. I feel much calmer and more confident now.

I get safeguarding emails in my job but if it's out of hours then I know other agencies will pick it up and I'll deal with it when I get to work. My time is my time - for looking after myself. Other people get my working hours and that's plenty.

I was signed off with work stress a couple of years ago. It was awful and I resolved never again. It has made me care much less - almost like I had to get ill to realise it was only work and didn't matter. Now I do what I can and don't really care about what I can't- might not healthy to be so distanced from it, but I have gone from work consuming every waking hour, plus nightmares, to it not even crossing my mind out of contracted hours.

Similar to above - I work in a senior role where nothing is ever finished and ruthless prioritisation and smart decision making is needed. I thrive on this

If you’ve read something that needs dealing with then write yourself 2 or 3 bullet points about the actions that you will take on Monday morning. Then agree a time in your head when you will allow yourself the time to think over it.

Then stick your home/ parent/self hat on and figure out what those priorities are for the day and crack on.

Yes. My life is extraordinarily stressful. Ironically really the most stressful aspect of my life (adult child who is severely disabled) is the one that helps with with the other stresses - in that it gives me perspective and has given me a large tolerance to having aspects of my life that are out of control - because issues do come up constantly that have to be dealt with immediately. It particularly helps with perspective around things like work & friendships. And with that perspective I can park pretty much everything! As others have said you need to be able to compartmentalise and park things. I am older though and that ability to park has come with age and experience & not giving as much of a shit about things as I used to.

I have also found that for me having a plan helps me a lot. So if I know there is something stressful coming up or starting to invade my brain then I make a plan. It doesn’t have to be a particularly good plan - but having a plan means I know there are options and makes tricky situations easier. I think it is this that has been the biggest change for me and made the biggest difference. I always have a plan. For everything.

The one aspect that I could never get a handle on was money. Money worries ate me up inside and invaded sleep and everything. I am fortunate enough now for that not to be an issue currently - and I appreciate the peace that brings.