Did being a poor child lead you to be a overly worried about money as an adult?

[overthinkersanonnymus]

I have an issue that I think maybe unusual, or maybe it's not?

I have a fairly good job, a home that's mortgaged, car that's paid for and a husband to split to the bills with.

This makes me very fortunate but....I can't seem to settle with the stability. I worry so much about losing my job, losing my home, not being able to feed myself.

I've put off having my own children for so long in the anticipation that one day, I'll be left alone with nothing again. I never buy myself anything but I am generous with the little bit I do have. I'm currently paying for my sister's car payments as she's on her own and struggling to keep afloat. I like being able to do this as a sort of karma thing? The thought process is if I help, I may get help if I need it in the future from the "universe". I also love her very much so I don't mind at all. The cost of living crisis has sent me spiralling in to overly worrying about her too.

I was poor as a child, abusive alcoholic dad etc then had a short spell of homelessness in my late teens. Hosels, sofa surfing where I wasn't really wanted and for too long. I always remember never having any money. I mean NO money to get the bus for 19 miles in to town (which was 22p at the time) to even get to the job centre. And I'll always remember the feeling of having no where to call home, everywhere I stayed was someone else's home - even our childhood home. My mum, sister and I were repeatedly reminded that we lived in "his" house. Cunt. Anyway lol....

Does anyone else have odd anxieties like this or am I completely insane 😂

Yes! I 100% get this and I have this fear. I did not exactly grow up in poverty, but money was very tight with 3 siblings and my mum didn't work. My dad controlled all the money and was very stingy, so we rarely had treats and food was very cheap and basic. He was also constantly fretting about the gas and water bills, he wouldn't even give us 20p if we needed it.

Now I have a comfortable-ish life on paper but I am always worried about losing income and having nothing. I think it's a mentality that sticks with you.

Yes, I think my childhood definitely has influenced my financial behaviour as an adult. I have been a saver all my life and I still live quite frugally compared with most other people in my situation.

I find it difficult to justify spending money on myself unnecessarily. I have two anorak-style coats, for example. One I've had since 1997 and the other was issued to me 6 years ago as part of my work uniform and has my former employer's logo on it. They're both still serviceable, so I can't justify getting a new coat because I already have those two.

I think it's very understandable to be affected like this by your childhood. It would nearly be strange if you weren't. The good thing is you are aware of it and aware of where it is coming from. You might not find it easy to spend the money but a bit of counselling would really help you . Talking it through with a good counsellor would maybe break the hold your past has on you and help you to enjoy little things in life a bit more. It's lovely your helping your sister and it shows a very generous heart.

I haven't really had the same experience as you but I will say this.
My dad grew up in a very poor household and he has severe anxiety about spending money on anything that's not "an investment" or completely necessary. I had a lovely childhood but he was very very stingy with money. He finds it really difficult to spend on enjoying life. Never buys anything he doesn't absolutely need.
Since I've had children I've realised that I don't want to be like that. I love buying lots of little luxuries like drinks out and ice creams, toys etc. Nothing extremely extravagant but just bits and pieces (which do add up). I know I'm lucky because I can afford this. I think it's come from seeing my dad in retirement with lots of assets and spare cash, paralysed by not being able to spend it. I don't really know how to help him and I think it's too late to change his mindset. But I do understand, it must have been hard for him, as it was for you 💐

I always worry I'm going to get fired. I'm fairly new to my career and just got my first "real" role in my field. Ironically, I'm a financial advisor of sorts 😂

Even if I was to lose my job, chances are I'd get a new one, even if it's nothing to do with financial services but I worry so much about having no income.

I'm always on the lookout for a side hustle, I've never had one work out though.

I am the opposite, I grew up fairly poor but I think it taught me that it is possible to survive on not much. And throughout my life I’ve just lived on whatever amount I had at the time, which has gone up and down.

My mum wasn’t good with money and that made me feel insecure as a child, but the upside of that is that I worked to become better with money than she was.

I don’t think you are crazy at all though, what you say makes sense, but I think more like your SIL I’m afraid, please don’t punch me 😆

I didn’t grow up poor but there were times my parents struggled and I was aware of this. They also didn’t get that I might need some money of my own (pocket money) for things like tuck shop in school and I remember at times feeling like I didn’t have money and other kids did. I am a saver now but have no idea what I am saving for. I am on my own with a child and if I lost my job or couldn’t work we’d be screwed. I do spend money on normal family things but also hold back on anything big. I’m currently thinking of booking a holiday for next year but just keep thinking about the money I’m spending even though I can afford it. I wish I could let up a bit but I just don’t seem to be able to.

I grew up with money.

I have money now. Lots of it.

The reason I have lots of it is because I hoard money excessively due to horrendous mental health anxieties.

I shop in Lidl, drive a battered Volvo and shop in the children's section of Next. Age 12 does a size 8, for info.

I dye my own hair, I'm wearing jeans that are older than my youngest child and I cannot spend more than a minimal amount on myself.

It's a horrible way to live.

My saving grace is that I will spend money on my children, and we live in a nice big house. I very reluctantly pay for a fancy child orientated holiday every year for them, but that's purely so they don't grow up miserable and have their "memories."

It wouldn't matter if I had £25m in the bank. I am aware that I have less stress due to knowing we will eat tomorrow, and our house is warm - but I might as well have fuck all in the bank.

I have not got money worries now. We are not rich, but I know we will be grand. We are very fortunate. I cannot shake off the feeling that I could have nothing again. I hoard food. My freezer is always full. I cannot stop putting things away, just in case. My cupboards always have to be full. I hoard toilet roll, sanitary products, toiletries. It was great for covid!!

I have made my peace with it. I also squirrel away money. So I feel safe. I do think my partner would prefer me not to be such a hoarder, but it is contained in cupboards etc, not like dysfunctional level hoarding. It is manageable!

I hoard loyalty points, just in case there's no money one day and I have to rely on my clubcard

I do this too!

I can relate. I grew up poor, although with parents that did their best (for us it was illness of one parent, passing of that parent and breakdown of the parent left behind. The remaining parent fell apart, became alcoholic and had a couple of sections due to depression).

I never feel secure and I work far too hard. I have 4 university degrees (3 done working full time) and I work a lot, I’d say more than normal. For context I work full time, run a rental business (not in UK before the landlord bashers come running!) and a second business ontop of working a second full time job (yep it’s that crazy). Money seem to flow to me (through my work) but I’m not satisfied. I will never be satisfied.

I had a few sessions with a psychologist and she asked what number I’d be okay with and I said £40million (there’s a reason) but actually that won’t do. No number of will.

A couple of years ago I read a book “The Psychology of Money” and it has a chapter called “Enough” and well that’s me, I don’t know when I will have enough. Definitely have the scarcity mindset others have mentioned, so don’t buy stuff (I pretend I’m a minimalist) but am generous with my children.

Strangely, perhaps, I am risk taking when it comes to investments. Invest in startups and rentals (meaning a lot of debt I’m responsible for) etc. I think I’m happy to be risk taking in these situations because it is the path to serious wealth. And of course I never invest money that isn’t surplus (hence all the extra work). My brother is the opposite, very risk averse in his pursuit of financial security. Same environment and many shared experiences with the same need for security but different approaches (him one job and low risk low debt, me with several income streams and high risk).

what’s the solution? For me it’s accepting who I am and just working on these aspects of me not destroying the good things in life.

Absolutely OP, can relate to a lot posted here. With me it manifests a bit all over the place. I feel reassured by having a lot of food in the house, at immediate reach. So I never have to know that feeling of hunger as an adult for long. I also can't stand damp clothes/carpet or mould, poor air quality really sets me off as well. So I really like the fresh air and outdoors, it represents the opposite of grinding poverty to me, where huddling indoors is the only option to stay warm.

I'm not so concerned about day to day finances now I'm an independent adult but i am terrified about ending up struggling for money at some undefined point in the future and especially being forced to live in a situation not of my own choosing (mum ran away from alcoholic dad and our housing situation was very uncertain for a long time). Didn't help that dad was self employed as well as drinking any money he made, so not only were we desperate for money for food and heating but also benefits were very difficult for my mum to apply for until she left.

So how it has manifested many years later is I always seem to go for the "safe" option and don't put myself out there enough to benefit myself. I am scared of financially or emotionally investing in anything major, but I am trying bit by bit to push myself out of my comfort zone with various things. I have a weakness for buying really nice food as I hinted at above, and anything else I missed out on as a kid.

For those that have mentioned alcoholic parents, I can really recommend al anon for helping unpick these kind of anxieties.

I grew up poor. I always had a roof over my head but fun stuff was limited, I didn’t have clean school uniform and I went to bed hungry a lot.
I’m in a really financially stable position now but deep down that poverty mindset has never left me.
DH and I had very different upbringings and he can’t understand why I don’t just embrace things more - in the back of my head I still imagine someone is going to give me a shake and tell me I don’t deserve to have x,y,z and send me back to having nothing. I don’t honestly think I’ll ever feel totally relaxed about it and in a way I’m glad because I think it’s made me really appreciate financial stability in a way that I don’t think dh does as he’s always had it.

Then I must be strange. I come from a very disadvantaged background (single parent, 5 kids) but had a happy childhood. No luxuries, no holidays, no treats, no car, no new clothes, no carpets! I'm comfortably off now and never really worry about money even though we have our own business. My DH on the other hand (solidly middle class stock) worries endlessly. Unlike DH, I know it's possible to be poor and happy.

I grew up with very little. Lots of love but very few luxuries. I now over compensate for my kids. I still, at the age of 50 burn with shame when I remember having no money and pretending not to be hungry and not seeing anything I wanted to buy when we went out shopping with friends as a teen. I now over compensate for my kids and their friends so they are never in that position. Also totally agree with always needing to have a full fridge and cupboard full of food. I become really anxious when I imagine my children going to bed hungry as I did many times.

Maybe in that I don't really value wealth that much? I value 'having enough' to get on day to day, but money outside that doesn't mean much to me.

In some ways I might have gone the opposite way. I know what it was like to not have the same basic things that everyone at school did, so feel socially excluded because of it. I make sure my children have all the things that ensure social inclusion. Not over the top though.

OP your post made me upset. I'm so sad for your teen self. I have 2 older teens & my heart is breaking here. I'm sending you as a teen a hug, and space in my house without you feeling unwanted.

My heart is better knowing you've done so well & you're close to & helping your sister.

Hugs to all the PPs with tough formative years. I had one with lots of love, not loads of money, but enough and I'm so, so grateful for it. ❤️

I grew up very poor, on benefits most of my childhood and also as a young adult when I became a single mum. Have to admit I don't have this anxiety as my financial situation had improved drastically and we're very comfortable now (mortgaged house in London, 2 dcs in private school). I'm still frugal in some ways but that's just being sensible to me. And I probably treat myself less than many women do, but then I splurge on other things and I don't hold back from it. I do spend freely on leisure activities as I missed out on things like that as a child.

I don't fret about being poor again though... partly because we have a lot of assets behind us, but also because I coped pretty well with poverty as an adult - I had a low income for years but always managed to have enough food, basics like clothes and bills covered. I got to understand the benefits system well and was able to get my full entitlement (I still get some non means-tested disability benefits). I was lucky as my parents were good with money too, and we were never short of food despite being poor - they could cook amazing food from scratch and would buy ingredients from wholesalers, markets etc.

Think the important word in your case is HAPPY. So you are not associating lack with misery.

Yep 100%. Grew up with just my mum supporting us and every penny was counted for. I couldn’t have too if the range clothes or anything as we couldn’t afford it. Growing up now I can buy whatever I want but I don’t because I feel guilty still. It’s weird like I’ll buy some new clothes but send them back as I know I don’t need them.

Grew up poor, hard childhood.

There can never be enough money.

❤️ I'm shocked at how many of us have the same thought process. I feel less crazy and ungrateful now though so thank you to everyone who replied so far. Hopefully this thread will reach some more people who have the same guilt and shame about being vulnerable.

I think the poster who said she was poor but was happy as a child is the crux of this issue. A lot of us were poor but scared and that's dragged along with us in to adulthood. As a poor and unhappy child, you stand out like a sore thumb in school etc and it wasn't until I was in my mid 20s that I felt I'd blender in a bit more.

Next to my DH and his family though, I'm still a scruff 😂. They appreciate the value of hard work and money but my experience has always meant hard work = no money. That's harder your job, the less you're paid.

I also have a goal that would make me feel "that's enough" it's unobtainable though so I'll probably be unsettled for eternity.

When I read threads of women who need to leave their partners but have no money, it breaks my heart because that was my mum once.

When we first moved in together, DH noticed that I would stand and stare at the fridge after we'd been food shopping. A full fridge was a big thing in our house and we'd all get excited just looking at it. Maybe why I love the Christmas fridge thread on here every year!

I think it’s more to do with your general personality and attitude than your upbringing.

I grew up poor but now I have money I enjoy spending it! I love being surrounded by nice things, having trips away, good food and good quality clothes and shoes etc. Dh (also from a poor background) and I have also had a large family (4 dcs) so it hasn’t stopped us spending money there either. But I’d have had a family even if we weren’t well off.

Living extremely frugally and questioning every purchase when you dont really need to just sounds miserable to me. Some of your traits sound like they are due to untreated anxiety. I relate to this, but mine manifests itself more in a kind of laissez faire “well you’re only here once - enjoy yourself”! mentality.