Its beginning to look a lot like... the most stressful time of the year...

[toadasoda]

This is a thread for people who do not like Christmas. I saw the f*ing elf on the shelf in a shop yesterday and quite physically reacted, my tummy flipped and I know its begun.... that creeping stressy feeling that begins when I know its approaching and disappears around January 6th.

There are aspects that I potentially could enjoy, like annual get togethers with particular groups, or a good staff party, if I were to wake up on December 10th and the season began. Of course this never gets to happen, and I lose the month of November every year and by December 1st I'm over it and really stressed. No one seems to understand, and some family members ridicule me for it. I'm not negative, in fact I'm quite happy in January and February when I have to listen to everyone else moan about the darkness.

For family reasons that I cannot get out of, I have to host every year. I know its only one meal one day but I get so anxious about it. People bring sides and starters and very generous bottles of wine, but I still have loads to do. Santa will be visiting us for whats likely to be the last time this year and I hate that every year while setting up presents I'm stressing about the state of the house, I'm trying to watch my little ones faces light up while worrying about the mess they are making or what my timings are like for the food. It depresses me to think that its never going to change, except we will lose Santa (the only good part) and everyone is very caught up in 'this is our christmas tradition' so that nothing can ever change. The music, the traffic, the planning, all of it - its just too much. I wish I could just go somewhere on 1 November and return on 10 January and I swear I would be a happier person.

Anyone else feel like this?? Please come here and have a moan about it.

all magic has gone, we spend all year round, no looking forward to something special once a year, most people buy what they want when they want, no excited anticipation
Yeah, I can't disagree with that.

OP one of my friends was in a similar situation with a huge family

He used to do all the xmas stuff and one year, around October probably, just said "basics only". His DC were about 8 and 10. So he said the only thing he'd sort would be a traditional xmas lunch and DC presents and tree, if his wife thought anything else should be done, he said to her she'd have to sort it. (She doesn't do much, bar online gambling). No elf crap, no special trips that overpriced etc.

The following year, he decided the traditional roast was a pain - and some relatives had complained about meat being dry or whatever. So he said "I'm cooking whatever I feel like this year, you get what you get if you're not cooking or hosting".

He did a meat dish and a pasta dish I think.

Then the year after that, he said "I'm not hosting any more".

And they all lived happily ever after! Well, there were complaints but guess what...no one else hosted. 80 something parents and in laws were not pleased but it can't all be one person.

he did think one sibling would attempt to bung an M&S dinner in the oven but no....reality is, most people don't want to host a huge do.

OP, of course your siblings like coming home - they get to opt out of all the Christmas stress and you do it all!
There's honestly no reason from your posts why you have to host. I get that it's easy to feel crushed under the weight of other people's expectations but no one is considering you in this equation. I promise you that no one will die if you tell them all that you aren't up to hosting people for days at a time and that they will need to stay in a hotel, or have the elderly parents over to their houses for a change. Or organise picking up people who can't drive and bringing them to yours for dinner and then taking them home again.
At some point you are allowed to remind people that it's your Christmas too!
I think my parents would like it if I hosted and if it was just them and my single sister, then I would. But I have pushed back on having all siblings, spouses, kids and parents, along with my kids in my tiny house. I know I wouldn't cope and would hate every minute. It's okay to put your own feelings first sometimes - I think you've done more than your share snd it's time to get others to take on some of the work.

Everything in the shops is identical yay to last year.... and year before

It's awful

*Tat!!

For me the most stressful thing is trying to buy presents. There's nothing my kids actually need and I often think I'm just buying stuff for the sake of it. The mental effort of trying to find nice things for them and dh (who is very hard to buy for) is exhausting. Plus I do all the prep for Christmas generally.
But I do love the tree and fairy lights though.

I dislike Christmas but the thing I dislike more is people telling me why I shouldn't. Its not compulsory to like it. Refusing to host or buying it in doesn't stop it being a stressful time. I don't try and stop other people loving Christmas but those that do seem to think Christmas haters can be cajoled out of it.

What do they say when you talk to them about it?

Your DC may be perfectly happy with money, that they can save for when they do want something expensive and non essential. Plus a chocolate orange or something.

They may not want piles of stuff for the sake of it, especially if they have everything they want and need and are aware of the impact of unnecessary stuff on the environment. Or they may prefer experiences, season tickets to a theme park or similar.

Your DH may also be happy with a token present, especially if he likes to choose his own clothes, tech or other things that people generally try to designate as Christmas presents to keep up with the charade of exchanging stuff as an indication of love.

Once you see past that being the case, or a sign of a good Christmas it leaves you in a better place to enjoy the Christmas you want.

There are a couple of very scathing comments on this thread towards those who stress about Christmas. It's worth remembering that not all of us have fun family Christmases to look back on from our own childhoods. I find Christmas very difficult due to this, and would prefer not to do it at all, but there is immense pressure to at least show willing.

I meant to quote you @thebear1 xx

My goodness I can't believe the lack of empathy on here!
I love Christmas and all the planning but I can quite understand how somebody wouldn't and would find it stressful.
In my case I start present buying and wrapping in October, and am usually finished by the end of November. It takes that long for people to come back to me with present ideas. Once that's done it is ticked off the list.
I check with my children as to what their plans are in August (they think that is ridiculously early) so that I know whether we are going to have a houseful or we are going to be on our own.
I book my supermarket delivery slot as soon as I can, for 23rd December so that I have time to go out and get whatever hasn't been delivered.
I buy whatever food I can in advance, anything frozen or which can go in the cupboard. That is usually done by the end of November.
The tree and decorations go up at the beginning of December, and Christmas cards get sent to remote elderly relatives etc.
I cook whatever I can in advance and freeze it. Fish pie for Christmas Eve, chestnut stuffing, sausages etc. This is done in the first two weeks of December.
Veg is all prepped and par-boiled/part cooked wherever possible on Christmas Eve
Carpet cleaners and oven cleaner booked for December.
If we're not having anyone here for Christmas we used to go to Butlins, but this year we are going to be on our own and staying at home, as I will be getting over treatment for cancer. We will be getting a load of little Christmas nibbles we can pop into the air fryer and vegging out watching cheesy Christmas films on the telly. We are going to the Christmas Eve service at the Cathedral the night before.
I love all the planning and would find it impossible without it, I am autistic and get easily overwhelmed.
@toadasoda - are there any practical suggestions or information that would help you? Please ask if there are.

@BarbaraofSeville tbf, they don't ask for anything expensive. The boys are adults now and have their own money and this makes it harder because they can generally buy what they want themselves. So I like to find something nice, that they wouldn't necessarily think to get for themselves. I'm rubbish at present choosing so find all the thinking about it quite hard.
DH has very expensive tastes. He doesn't ask for this stuff or expect it, but I'd like to get him something he'd appreciate.
The most successful presents I got him in the past were the iPod and AirPods, which he has used far more than he thought he would. But I'm all out of ideas. I guess that having most things already is a nice problem to have though

I am one of those "It is only a roast dinner, what is the fuss" Kind of people.

My mum would get worked up every Christmas, how long to cook the turkey etc etc. Even when my brother took over the cooking, she would still get worked up!

However, I freely admit that I have never cooked for anyone other than myself and am vegetarian anyway. I don't miss the stress of the meal. My meal was usually forgotten until the last minute when it had to be microwaved...I am on my own at Christmas now or at work.

So yes I am a hypocrite but at least now I can eat what I like now. I am usually working too!

Ain't that the truth?

My teenage Christmas mornings were spent at my best mate's house down the road. It was necessary to avoid my own house because my abusive father was present. I'd have a drink in the local with my friend and her dad, and I'd be watching the clock, wishing it would slow down and dreading the moment I'd have to return to our place for Christmas lunch. My mum was the polar opposite of my father and we were very close, but after she died unexpectedly and far too young it killed the remainder of what had ever been 'happy' about Christmas for me.

Of course I have a child so I have to play willing. There's pressure from MiL for contact (DH deals with that) when she barely bothers with her grandchild, never Facetimes him, and only sees him about 2-3 times a year. Before DC came along, when we briefly visited them over the Christmas holiday she and her appalling daughter would spend their time making petty jibes at me, which I dutifully ignored. And the whole shebang does take time and effort. Decorating the house, decorations then becoming dusty, buying presents, wrapping presents, the environmental destruction that entails: all at one of the busiest times of my working year when I least need that kind of labour-intensive distraction. Then there's that whole irritating concept of 'tradition'. Christmas has to be at home, just because. That one's on DH. I'd happily get on a plane and fly off someone warm (and preferably non-Christian) until it's over!

The only good thing is that tasks are evenly split and for me it isn't a wifework fest (not so lucky for my poor mum!) DH buys the presents, I decorate the house and wrap them, and Christmas lunch is a joint effort. But I far prefer the softer, quieter, more protective energy of Yule/the Winter Solstice. The frenetic pace of Christmas I can happily do without. I prefer the Easter holidays any every time: the weather's brighter, the days longer, and there are none of the set-in-stone Christmas 'traditions' or conventional obligations: 'but Christmas is about family!' Like fek.

Bring back summer!

I don’t have happy childhood Christmases to look back on either - dad is a major depressive who’d take to his bed for the majority of the Christmas period and make sure the whole house knew about his mood, mum would spend the time panicking and crying and tiptoeing around him trying not to send him into a rage. I had a few typical festive christmases when my maternal grandparents were alive and my Nan would make the effort, but they lived at the other end of the country so I only saw them once or twice a year and wasn’t particularly close to them or my cousins. when she died when I was about 9, all that stopped and the depressed dad Christmases have been my reality ever since (well, til I moved out).

But I still find it easy to opt out of Christmas. It has some unpleasant memories and connotations, yes, but I don’t feel the need to make up for that by running about like a headless chicken people pleasing. Yes of course not having kids makes this easier but I just ignore and tune out societal expectations. I don’t do gifts or host (I don’t cook the other 364 days of the year so why would I start at Christmas?) and just say no to anything I don’t want to do. It really isn’t that hard.

Sorry didn't RTFT

Peel veg the night before and leave sitting in cold water, my DM helps but when DS is older he will help too. We have Christmas FM on

If having home made roast spuds have them prepped in the freezer same with the gravy, I make it from a roast chicken in Nov.

Have stuffing made

Christmas eve, cook the ham. Ham sandwiches before bed.

Christmas morning, up and put on the turkey, although we may have chicken again this year I prefer it. Cook the veg, that should be it.

My boss orders it all from a farm foods shop place. The turkey + ham are cooked and she just has to put the veg/ sides in the oven.

I never know why people get stressed over Christmas
It's a roast dinner
Little bit party food and a tin of chocolates
Just relax

It’s not the Christmas meal itself, it’s the other stuff: everyone staying here. Lots of other meals. Lots of dietary issues. Elderly relatives who are very frail and need collecting—150-mile trip.

You don’t have to host. Nobody has to do anything they don’t want to do. Your family will survive and they are relying on you to be weak and not say no- you deserve to enjoy Christmas! It’s not meant to be stressful and unpleasant! Make other plans they have plenty of time to sort something else out

Thanks @DilemmaDelilah You sound very organised.

thanks for the helpful tips everyone. I haven't been very active on this thread because I felt like I came across like a bit of a crazy person! So it's good to know that I'm not the only one that feels like this.

I didn't have a difficult childhood as some describe, I've been quite lucky really, I had great childhood Christmasses. But I've been reflecting as to why I have such an emotional reaction to this time of year. My mum died when I was mid 20s and younger siblings were still at that in between stage of life, moving about a lot whereas as I had moved in with DH and had settled down. It naturally fell to me to take over, initially 'directing' a joint effort in my Dads house then soon after we had to host at mine because his hygiene / hoarding made it too difficult. My mum was a great cook too which added pressure in the early years.

Someone asked about DH, he does a fair bit, but mostly stuff I have no interest in. He does all the decorating etc. He does some food prep too but like almost every relationship, even when the workload is halved, the mental load is on me.

Two of my kids have diagnosed ND issues so we are already a fairly stressed household, the added workload seems to be too much when I often feel overwhelmed already. This time last year I went through a very bad patch, possibly hormonal possibly depressed but became overwhelmed by everything and Christmas felt like the final straw. I am in a much better state mentally this year so hopefully it won't be so bad. I haven't had any major panic moments since my first post although I've spotted a few more festive things in the shop.

I find shops quite sickening at this time of year. Yes, I know that on MN everyone has heirloom decorations or makes their own but in reality there must be many people buying vast amounts of imported crap. Does anyone actually need a holly leaf shaped pan scourer? DS said he nearly bought me one as a joke at the weekend.

Also the food. So much unhealthy junk, then on 1 January half the country is on a diet.

When asked what we are doing for Christmas and I say "nothing, we are going to the coast and ignoring it" I either get envious comments or an appalled reaction as if I'd said I was personally going to murder Santa. When I once said I preferred to celebrate the solstice the other person stepped back as if I was about to cast a evil spell on them. It's all entirely bonkers.