Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Its beginning to look a lot like... the most stressful time of the year...

96 replies

toadasoda · 05/10/2023 17:26

This is a thread for people who do not like Christmas. I saw the f*ing elf on the shelf in a shop yesterday and quite physically reacted, my tummy flipped and I know its begun.... that creeping stressy feeling that begins when I know its approaching and disappears around January 6th.

There are aspects that I potentially could enjoy, like annual get togethers with particular groups, or a good staff party, if I were to wake up on December 10th and the season began. Of course this never gets to happen, and I lose the month of November every year and by December 1st I'm over it and really stressed. No one seems to understand, and some family members ridicule me for it. I'm not negative, in fact I'm quite happy in January and February when I have to listen to everyone else moan about the darkness.

For family reasons that I cannot get out of, I have to host every year. I know its only one meal one day but I get so anxious about it. People bring sides and starters and very generous bottles of wine, but I still have loads to do. Santa will be visiting us for whats likely to be the last time this year and I hate that every year while setting up presents I'm stressing about the state of the house, I'm trying to watch my little ones faces light up while worrying about the mess they are making or what my timings are like for the food. It depresses me to think that its never going to change, except we will lose Santa (the only good part) and everyone is very caught up in 'this is our christmas tradition' so that nothing can ever change. The music, the traffic, the planning, all of it - its just too much. I wish I could just go somewhere on 1 November and return on 10 January and I swear I would be a happier person.

Anyone else feel like this?? Please come here and have a moan about it.

OP posts:
00100001 · 05/10/2023 21:02

It's because society tells us it should be this magical time where everyone is happy and wonderful.
And look who it is stressing about the whole event.... I'll give you a clue not the fucking men!!!!

Justifiedcheese · 05/10/2023 21:06

BarbaraofSeville · 05/10/2023 18:15

Anyone else feel like this?? Please come here and have a moan about it

So to be clear, you're looking to indulge in some pointless moaning about how hard it is to stick a turkey in the oven and peel a few spuds as you have no intention of making some constructive changes so it's less of a big deal?

Not the thread for you then. Off you pop.

Justifiedcheese · 05/10/2023 21:07

rantinglunatic · 05/10/2023 19:36

I don't do Christmas. Just say no!!

looks longingly If only...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations
paranoidmumdroid1 · 05/10/2023 21:11

I get you OP. And we don't even host and my DH cooks. But the pressie shopping (3dc, 6gps, ds, dh) gives me enormous anxiety. Im not a good or happy shopper, i dither, vacillate, over-think. I really don't enjoy xmas. When it's over i feel immense relief for a few days, then its jan / feb birthdays for 2 dc!

StarDolphins · 05/10/2023 21:20

BarbaraofSeville · 05/10/2023 18:15

Anyone else feel like this?? Please come here and have a moan about it

So to be clear, you're looking to indulge in some pointless moaning about how hard it is to stick a turkey in the oven and peel a few spuds as you have no intention of making some constructive changes so it's less of a big deal?

So to be clear, you’re here to moan about someone moaning? Brilliant🤣

00100001 · 05/10/2023 21:37

Justifiedcheese · 05/10/2023 21:07

looks longingly If only...

Show quote history

Who would die if you said no?

DappledThings · 05/10/2023 21:52

Is it all down to you? I hate 90% of it. I am shit at buying presents and would have no idea where to start with a Christmas dinner but DH massively takes the lead. I do the support work wherever but if it all came down to me it would be monumentally stressful and shit for everyone.

And I permit no talk of it bar whose house we will be at before Advent. I can't cope with any thinking about it before then.

Original poster
toadasoda · 05/10/2023 22:08

Thanks so much for the kind comments here, and for those with helpful tips.

As for those who like to ridicule this thread, it might be worth noting for future reference that a stress response to a situation or an ongoing anxiety isn't always logical, perhaps you would like to check in on the mental health thread and tell them all to cop the fuck on. Its that simple right???

For me its not just the hosting its the whole season. I don't know why it triggers me so badly but it just does. Just hearing a Christmas song makes my chest constrict. The bloody elf made my tummy flip. When I see trees up and Christmas lights I feel really sad and panicky, I just do and can't seem to stop the reaction.

As to why I host - DH and I live near his family home and about 30 minutes from mine. We have 4 siblings between us, some single, some with partners and kids, and all live away at least a few hours drive and really love to come home for Christmas. I'm keeping details a little vague on purpose. Due to a hoarding issue in one household, and a physical condition in the other, we are the only household that can host so we do alternate years. Even when I'm hosting for one family I'm feeling guilty about the other, so hosting neither isn't an option. The older generation will not travel to siblings, and not everyone has the space either. While I'm stressing about dinner in my house, someone is sitting among boxes of clutter trying to serve a dinner, so its tricky for everyone. For the same reasons both households no longer want siblings with children to stay so we have my brother and family for a few days (before or after Christmas) and my SIL and family usually around New Years but not ever Christmas day. Both grandparents want to see the kids on Christmas morning so we used to visit whoever we were not hosting to exchange presents, this involved being away for the few hours while the turkey was in the oven. I put a stop to it a few years ago as it was too much, and said if you want to see us, come see us so that helped a bit. Its complicated further now that one elderly person can't drive very well anymore and the sibling who is with them can't drive so I don't know what will happen going forward. I'm sure most families have similar complications, in most ways we are lucky that we all want to see each other and wish each other well.

I know I just have to get on with it, but it is really reassuring to know I'm not the only one with this issue.

OP posts:
Namddf · 05/10/2023 22:14

Ah, OP, I feel for you. I can see why you are trapped into hosting and why even the thought of Christmas makes you tense.

For those who are saying ‘just don’t do it’, I hope your last post shows that it really isn’t that simple. Of course no one will die if you say no, but people will feel sad/be alone/miss out, so I can see why it triggers you.

My best advice is definitely to put it out of your mind completely until December. That way it’s only one month instead of three. You still have a month to do everything.

I would also sit your DH down and tell him how you feel. That you have started to hate it and get anxious about it. He needs to step up here and take a few things completely off your plate.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/10/2023 22:25

How many people will there be in total at your house on Christmas Day?

Nonplusultra · 05/10/2023 22:31

Christmas would be a lot easier if it wasn’t lumped in with the end of the fiscal year, DH’s busiest time at work, house exams in schools, bloody nativity plays, and concerts. It’s already a very busy time of year, and the traffic is heavier, it’s darker and wetter. There just isn’t a lot of extra time and energy for choosing, tracking down, buying, and wrapping gifts. Extra shopping, sometimes needing extra trips for an illusive ingredient, hours of prep and cooking.

It’s hard not to be triggered by Christmas lights and displays when we’re not even near Hallowe’en.

The only people I know who are relaxed about Christmas are not the hosts and cooks. I actually like Christmas despite all of this - there’s just enough to still tip the balance.

I’m sorry that it’s provoking such a strong stress reaction for you op. There’s a thread running on the Christmas board about plans to simplify Christmas that might be worth a look.

Lifeinlists · 05/10/2023 22:43

I totally get you, OP. Can you try and share your worries about it all with some of your nearest and dearests? They might be willing to discuss a better plan for the day if they know it's all too much stress.

So many women - it's usually women - find the whole Christmas thing one long round of organising, planning and pressure to produce the 'perfect' 'magical' experience for everyone apart from themselves.

Get some of your family on board!

Jk987 · 05/10/2023 22:47

Break the tradition and do something different this year! Why are you forced to host? Go to a Toby Carvery or something. Or stay at home and eat cheese. What do YOU want to do? The world won't fall apart if you break the routine.

twobluechickens · 05/10/2023 22:50

Astonishing how many of you failed to read and understand the first sentence of the OP before posting.

I get it, OP. I have family asking about plans now and it just stresses me out. I don’t hate Christmas, but I do detest how much it dominates this time of year. Ther is an expectation that I will sort it out each year; nobody else offers. This year I have stated that I don’t really enjoy it, it holds bad memories, but still I’m being pressed to decide on plans. It doesn’t mean anything to me- no kids, not religious- why do I feel this guilt about it??

StarlightLime · 05/10/2023 22:52

Astonishing how many of you failed to read and understand the first sentence of the OP before posting
No, what is astonishing is thinking you can post something on the Internet and dictate who responds to it.

LoopyLooooo · 05/10/2023 22:59

I assumed you were a single parent until your last post where you mention having a husband.

Is he anxious, rushed off his feet and stressed out every year too?

Or does he 'work very long hours' like most unhelpful MN husbands do?

00100001 · 05/10/2023 23:04

LoopyLooooo · 05/10/2023 22:59

I assumed you were a single parent until your last post where you mention having a husband.

Is he anxious, rushed off his feet and stressed out every year too?

Or does he 'work very long hours' like most unhelpful MN husbands do?

Quite.

It's always women getting this stress and taking on Christmas. Christmas would be much easier if men sorted it out.

A present or two for the kids, take away/pizza/pasta for food. Lots of drinks and TV and /or down the pub most of the day. Kids might get a visit to Santa at a shopping centre.

That would be it. No elf on the shelf, no boxes on Dec 1 or Xmas Eve, no fretting over goose fat potatoes, no fancy wrapping paper, no giving any shits about any mess. No boring Christmas parties at work, no secret Santa where one person spends 3 weeks curating perfect gifts and the others just bing in a box of chocolates....

It would be a lot easier!

crackofdoom · 05/10/2023 23:04

Your last post totally clarifies it OP, and it's what drives a lot of posters on here insane about Christmas- the weight of expectation from sundry relatives that you do Christmas for them and if you don't you are heartless and they will be all alone and cry

Finally, after many years, I have gone NC with my parents and a weight has lifted. It's just me and the DC now, so we can have a simple Christmas that we actually enjoy. The only problem is that I would like to see friends more over the festive period, for drinks or maybe a fire and swim on the beach, but everyone cries off because they feel obliged to service THEIR nightmare families!

TedMullins · 05/10/2023 23:34

toadasoda · 05/10/2023 22:08

Thanks so much for the kind comments here, and for those with helpful tips.

As for those who like to ridicule this thread, it might be worth noting for future reference that a stress response to a situation or an ongoing anxiety isn't always logical, perhaps you would like to check in on the mental health thread and tell them all to cop the fuck on. Its that simple right???

For me its not just the hosting its the whole season. I don't know why it triggers me so badly but it just does. Just hearing a Christmas song makes my chest constrict. The bloody elf made my tummy flip. When I see trees up and Christmas lights I feel really sad and panicky, I just do and can't seem to stop the reaction.

As to why I host - DH and I live near his family home and about 30 minutes from mine. We have 4 siblings between us, some single, some with partners and kids, and all live away at least a few hours drive and really love to come home for Christmas. I'm keeping details a little vague on purpose. Due to a hoarding issue in one household, and a physical condition in the other, we are the only household that can host so we do alternate years. Even when I'm hosting for one family I'm feeling guilty about the other, so hosting neither isn't an option. The older generation will not travel to siblings, and not everyone has the space either. While I'm stressing about dinner in my house, someone is sitting among boxes of clutter trying to serve a dinner, so its tricky for everyone. For the same reasons both households no longer want siblings with children to stay so we have my brother and family for a few days (before or after Christmas) and my SIL and family usually around New Years but not ever Christmas day. Both grandparents want to see the kids on Christmas morning so we used to visit whoever we were not hosting to exchange presents, this involved being away for the few hours while the turkey was in the oven. I put a stop to it a few years ago as it was too much, and said if you want to see us, come see us so that helped a bit. Its complicated further now that one elderly person can't drive very well anymore and the sibling who is with them can't drive so I don't know what will happen going forward. I'm sure most families have similar complications, in most ways we are lucky that we all want to see each other and wish each other well.

I know I just have to get on with it, but it is really reassuring to know I'm not the only one with this issue.

Literally none of this means you have to host. The siblings can get hotels. You can go for a pub Christmas lunch instead. See them before or after Christmas and say you’re having a quiet day this year. Ask them to cook instead. there are plenty of solutions that aren’t you just doing everything.

00100001 · 05/10/2023 23:41

Pubs and restaurants are open on Christmas Day. takeaways are open. hotels and B&Bs too.

No one HAS to host. Literally nobody will die if they have a slice of turkey in the pub instead of a dining room.

Cattyfattytummy · 06/10/2023 07:38

Totally understand your stress response @toadasoda That sounds very tough, especially reading your update. I'm not sure it's sustainable for you ( it wasn't for me) and I want to suggest that you try to downsize it all as much as you possibly can before the stress of it makes you ill. Dysfunctional family dynamics can make you feel like you don't have a choice (been there!) but in time you'll find that you do.

gillywee · 06/10/2023 13:12

Please stop suggesting a restaurant meal on Christmas Day as some sort of obvious answer to all of Christmas Day's problems. It's absolutely unattainable for most families, especially in this climate. Even shitty massive chain pubs with microwaved food is minimum of £50-60 per head and anywhere halfway decent is upwards of £90 or more ... and thats wayyy up north near me and without drinks on top.

00100001 · 06/10/2023 13:59

gillywee · 06/10/2023 13:12

Please stop suggesting a restaurant meal on Christmas Day as some sort of obvious answer to all of Christmas Day's problems. It's absolutely unattainable for most families, especially in this climate. Even shitty massive chain pubs with microwaved food is minimum of £50-60 per head and anywhere halfway decent is upwards of £90 or more ... and thats wayyy up north near me and without drinks on top.

Its just one suggestion of how things can be made easier for the host who "has" to host.

They could also just as easily get a takeaway or ready-prepped veggies etc...

Stomacharmeleon · 06/10/2023 17:09

@toadasoda I didn't mean to sound dismissive with my short reply but...
If people are older now and children growing up could you not elongate the celebrations? We have six children (some with their own children) and older relatives. Yes it would be nice if we all sat down together on one day but it's not practical so we do it over a week/ ten days. Shorten the amount of time people come and stay. Have a couple of quiet days you can decompress.
I am sorry you feel anxiety around the countdown to Christmas that must be difficult for you. I try and do myself a couple of bits to do a week check list eg food orders, Christmas tree gifts, main gifts etc.
Important bit is it's supposed to be enjoyed so whatever you can do to get the stress down.
Once again sorry if I sounded glib. I just meant try not to Martyr yourself and say 'no' once in a while/ You can't please everyone.

Raspberrymoon49 · 06/10/2023 17:25

Am with you OP, it’s predictably awful, shops full of tat, same tired songs playing everywhere, all being encouraged to consume, consume, consume, hate the greed of it all, some people trying to steer 2 loaded trolleys in supermarkets, all magic has gone, we spend all year round, no looking forward to something special once a year, most people buy what they want when they want, no excited anticipation.

Swipe left for the next trending thread