How to get over a guy you just can’t get over?

[AmIsingleforlife]

I am stuck in a complete rut over this guy I casually dated for a few months. It was quite intense and we slept together a lot.

He ended up ghosting me in the end, I blocked him for a while… but then recently I unblocked him when I was drunk and feeling lonely, and I messaged him. He replied, was fairly friendly and the way we were messaging seemed as if we were going to meet up again.

Well, how naive am I. Of course he is showing no interest, everytime I’ve suggested a casual drink he’s said no, he asks zero questions…. yet, I can’t stop wanting him?

Writing it out now makes it sounds silly, I get that, but he really hurt me after ghosting me quite out of the blue and it’s like I’m not ready to let go.

I know I don’t want to be with him. I know he treats me like shit. So how the f**k do I forget about him? I am just wasting my life.

Please be kind but also, I am ready for some tough love 🥺

This takes time but start attaching negative feelings to him. So when you think about him let yourself think about good stuff and then think about the bad, over time let the association with the bad baby take over. It’s not easy to do but you consciously need to do it until it becomes subconscious. It’s hard and it’s gruelling but trust me it does work over time

Remember he goes to the toilet and does a shit just like everyone else. He also picks his nose daily.

Focus on that and you'll be cured I promise

I’ll try focus on the bad stuff!! I.e that he isn’t interested in me!

Just bloody hate how attached I get.

@AmIsingleforlife
Totally hear you hun and know how you feel!
You will meet someone way better honestly you will and you'll have that 'what was i thinking' moment about this guy. For now hun, keep yourself busy and distracted, binge watch a tv series, always works for me! Xx

Time is the honest answer. You have to go completely NC. Distract yourself with things you enjoy. It might take months, but eventually you'll wonder what you ever saw it him.

Kill him. Bury his body deep in a wood. Cover it in salt. I’ll be your alibi. Or alternatively forget the cowardly ghosting prick and thank your lucky escape.

Try to think about how unattractive it should be when someone doesn't want you. Imagine your dream relationship in your mind; presumably it involves the guy being head over heels about you and finding you incredible. Now this guy can take you or leave you - decide to find THAT one of his unattractive qualities (and a deal-breaker one at that).

The only way is no contact.

Delete, block, don’t look him up on social media - nothing.

Anything less and you are prolonging the hurt and letting him treat you like shit. He’s just a man. There is no shortage.

Write down on your notes app all the ways in which he was a shithead. And delete his number. And realise that in a few years you’ll be mortified at having chased such an undeserving git.

(But also don’t beat yourself up about it - if there’s a strong physical thing, that can be really hard to act against!)

“He’s just a man. There is no shortage.” Love that. I think the problem is that I have a scarcity mindset and I cling onto anyone who shows me attention. I don’t have much self confidence if you can’t already tell!

Yes, I am hoping one day I’ll be furious with myself for even wanting him!

This is hard, I’ve been there. If possible can you completely delete his number etc so you can’t contact him even if you want to? Not so easy these days with social media etc I know. I deleted my guys number but wrote it down and hid it somewhere hard to reach as I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of him completely 😬not having it easily on my phone meant I was much less likely to send a drunk message though.

Then distract yourself as much as possible- see friends, family, exercise, hobbies, clean your house or whatever works for you. Basically keep busy so you’re not sitting around thinking about him.

this next bit might not be right for you but I tried dating again. I did it without much hope of meeting anyone but as a way to keep busy when my friends weren’t available and I had some free time. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it made me miss the other guy more, so it wasn’t entirely successful, but I did have some fun too.

unfortunately there is no quick fix, you could look at books like I Can Mend Your Broken Heart which offer brain hacks/ NLP type excercise like those suggested by other posters.

good luck! You can do it.

Thank you @Whenwillitpass - good advice 😊

Yes I am exactly the same as you - bringing myself to completely delete his number is a big step! And it’s annoying when you block someone as their number stays in your phone. I blocked him because I didn’t want to keep anxiously checking my phone to see if he messaged, but I think maybe deleting it is the best move and just accept he isn’t going to message (and if he does, block the ). Argh it’s hard 😫

Every time you find yourself reminiscing picture him ignoring your texts while he's going down on another woman. You'll hate him in no time.

@Its5656 well he never did that to me so yes that would piss me off 🤣

I know I don’t want to be with him. I know he treats me like shit

i think be honest with yourself. Yes you want to be with him. Yes you know he treats you like shit but you’re up for that if you can be with him. Understand he doesn’t want to be with you and try to fathom why you are like this. Why you’d want to be with someone who doesn’t want you and treats you badly. Where your self respect has gone. Access counselling if it will help you. But be honest with yourself at least on how low your bar is to be with someone and then work to understand why and raise it.

He sounds like a catch!
Wanker, don't waste your time on this loser. Plenty more fish in the sea.

Think of the reverse, a man that keeps messaging you, you're not interested and never Will be, that's how he feels, don't take it personally, remember the guy you're not into, you just feel neutral, no feelings, try and apply that thought to him. it's a waste of your time, it's unattractive to you that it's not mutual. Focus on yourself, you are worthy of love and affection but only to those that are open to you.

It might also be worth thinking about what it is about him that you are drawn to so you can seek out those qualities in a better version of him that does want to be with you - is he fun, intelligent, family focused, altruistic or whatever values are important to you. Or maybe it’s a physical attraction which can also be pretty powerful!

Hard delete is the only way.

And if you ever find yourself wanting to contact him, throw your phone across the room (gently - he’s not worth breaking your phone over!)

@samestyle yes I don’t get why he replies to me though. He replies then I reply but then he won’t reply. And the cycle repeats!

@Whenwillitpass tbh I am not sure he had any good qualities except he liked to go on a night out! The first date he was nice but after that, he never really took any interest in my life.

Lol. Well there’s nothing wrong with a good night out. Let’s be generous and say his good quality is fun- now you need to find some friends to go on a few nights out to remind yourself you can have fun with other people too.

And delete his number!

I think this is anxious attachment and he is avoidant - try listening to the open house podcast or reading the book ‘attached’

He replies because he is polite, then you reply, then he can’t be bothered.
I know this because this is what I do.
And it hurts when other people do it to me.

@Ivegotsunshineinabag he’s not polite. He’s a bloody arse and I’ve blocked him again this morning. 😞