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Original poster

How to get over a guy you just can’t get over?

62 replies

AmIsingleforlife · 03/10/2023 21:42

I am stuck in a complete rut over this guy I casually dated for a few months. It was quite intense and we slept together a lot.

He ended up ghosting me in the end, I blocked him for a while… but then recently I unblocked him when I was drunk and feeling lonely, and I messaged him. He replied, was fairly friendly and the way we were messaging seemed as if we were going to meet up again.

Well, how naive am I. Of course he is showing no interest, everytime I’ve suggested a casual drink he’s said no, he asks zero questions…. yet, I can’t stop wanting him?

Writing it out now makes it sounds silly, I get that, but he really hurt me after ghosting me quite out of the blue and it’s like I’m not ready to let go.

I know I don’t want to be with him. I know he treats me like shit. So how the f**k do I forget about him? I am just wasting my life.

Please be kind but also, I am ready for some tough love 🥺

OP posts:
Janieforever · 04/10/2023 12:24

Oh op. He’s clearly responding out of politeness. Anything else and he’d keep the convo going. There is no hidden meaning here. You really need to try to accept it.

Olika · 04/10/2023 12:51

Keep thinking the sooner you get rid of wrong men the sooner you can meet the right one.

autumn1610 · 04/10/2023 13:15

I had this recently i hard deleted and honestly the urge to message was gone pretty much straight away, really weird. Now when I think of him I just think your a prick to make me feel like shit. If he ever chooses to message me (I doubt it) will tell him the exact same thing rather than running to him with open arms.

however he has messaged the casual dating up for me a bit as I have that sense of panic it’s going to happen again, when someone drops off a bit I’m like here we go…ghosted again what’s wrong with me. He wasn’t even anything special, was just just something about him probably the attention.

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Original poster
AmIsingleforlife · 05/10/2023 22:15

I’ve unblocked him because I’ve had some wine. Messaged him. He’s ignoring me. Please help 😫

OP posts:
Whenwillitpass · 05/10/2023 22:24

Noooo! This is why you should think about deleting his number from your phone. It’s too hard to resist when you’ve had a drink. There’s no nice way around this, if he was really interested you’d know. You have to try and find a way to stay strong and not contact him for your own sake. For now could you turn off your phone and go to bed?

FortofPud · 05/10/2023 22:27

Put block back on then watch some TV with a snack and leave your phone in another room!

Whenwillitpass · 05/10/2023 22:29

Have a look at the concept of Radical acceptance, it might not be for you but it’s worth considering.

PimpMyFridge · 05/10/2023 22:30

😱 aaarrgghh you're stroking his ego while he's knocking yours.
Delete!

Original poster
AmIsingleforlife · 05/10/2023 22:35

I honestly hate how I am like this. He’s just a guy - a horrible man that is - but all I want is his attention?!

I want to delete but I don’t want the anxiety of him potentially messaging me. BUT he isn’t going to, so this is the ONLY way forward I know.

OP posts:
Eenymeanymineymo · 05/10/2023 22:38

I have no pearls of wisdom...other than time, keeping busy and letting your emotions happen. Cry when you need to. Watch a sad movie etc. It's a process and you will get through it. But don't dwell. And it really does get better.

Whenwillitpass · 05/10/2023 22:39

If you unblock and delete him remember he can still message you if by some miracle he changes his mind, but the beauty is that you can’t message him.

Original poster
AmIsingleforlife · 05/10/2023 22:49

@Whenwillitpass I really like that way of putting it. But what worries me about that is that there will still be an ounce of me hopelessly checking my phone to see if he’s messaged. For example - waking up in the night to see if he’s text me. But I guess that will go with time and will mean I won’t have the opportunity to message him?

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIsingleforlife · 05/10/2023 22:53

I just can’t stop thinking about the times when he was keen on me, and wanted to see me. And gave me attention.

OP posts:
PimpMyFridge · 05/10/2023 23:30

You did say he wasn't interested in you pretty sharpish after you met though...
Lots of great sex builds a massive bond, more so for women though...
It's illusory if he never asked about your life or looked much beyond the sex, ghosted you knowing that would hurt, let you reopen the closed door and took the ego massage...
What a twat really.

PimpMyFridge · 05/10/2023 23:35

The thing that helped me last time I read in this situation was Spotify!
The power of music to change your attitude or mood!
I spent an intense week building the most amazing play list of songs that made me feel alive/strong/fuck'im/powerful/grateful for other good things I had... etc.
I still have that playlist and it can turn my day around if I ever need a kick up the arse/consolation...
So, take all this mind hogging energy that thoughts of him are monopolising and spend it making yourself a kick ass playlist. Focus on beats that make you want to move and lyrics that shake you out of this...
do it, it's a fab strategy, and strategies are what you need right now cos there's no magic bloody wand for this awful state (been there)

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 06/10/2023 01:57

It's hard, because the sexual chemistry + being treated like shit + SOMETIMES getting a reply (ie hope - of him being interested in you again) has resulted in a condition known as 'intermittent reinforcement'.
According to my friend's psychiatrist it can be harder to get over intermittent reinforcement than to overcome drug addiction.
Intermittent reinforcement, weather this guy intends to use this technique on you or not, has altered your brain's chemistry. You are like a junkie and he is your drug, your fixation. Not your fault, and not an awful lot you can do about it except wallow for a while and (hopefully not) humiliate yourself further and waste your time and energy and youth on this prick. But it will pass, I promise. Devote some time on a bit of self love, hang out with good friends, do something creative, help someone else, even if you don't want to at the beginning. Make yourself. Fake it 'til you make it. You will feel so, so much better over time.

Olika · 06/10/2023 05:05

Delete his number like was suggested previously.

StarlightLady · 06/10/2023 06:13

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone (else)!

WereYouListeningToTheDudesStory · 06/10/2023 06:19

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 06/10/2023 01:57

It's hard, because the sexual chemistry + being treated like shit + SOMETIMES getting a reply (ie hope - of him being interested in you again) has resulted in a condition known as 'intermittent reinforcement'.
According to my friend's psychiatrist it can be harder to get over intermittent reinforcement than to overcome drug addiction.
Intermittent reinforcement, weather this guy intends to use this technique on you or not, has altered your brain's chemistry. You are like a junkie and he is your drug, your fixation. Not your fault, and not an awful lot you can do about it except wallow for a while and (hopefully not) humiliate yourself further and waste your time and energy and youth on this prick. But it will pass, I promise. Devote some time on a bit of self love, hang out with good friends, do something creative, help someone else, even if you don't want to at the beginning. Make yourself. Fake it 'til you make it. You will feel so, so much better over time.

Yes, this will be the issue. It's ALWAYS the guys who aren't interested or who treat you badly that you get the most dopamine from finally getting their attention or kind treatment from.

Cold turkey is the way. He's not worth your time anyway.

Janieforever · 06/10/2023 09:11

AmIsingleforlife · 05/10/2023 22:15

I’ve unblocked him because I’ve had some wine. Messaged him. He’s ignoring me. Please help 😫

Oh op you need to stop, try to think of how he’s feeling about this. He will be cringing and really put off by this desperation. Please just delete his number.

GR8GAL · 06/10/2023 11:40

I found getting under another one was very helpful!

wereonthemarket · 06/10/2023 11:57

Remind yourself that you deserve more!

Original poster
AmIsingleforlife · 06/10/2023 20:12

So, I’ve deleted his number.
Still feel pretty crap about the whole situation tbh.
But the only way I am ever going to move on from this is to just delete him completely and give up hope I am ever going to see him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIsingleforlife · 06/10/2023 20:45

Will I ever feel better about this situation?

OP posts:
Whenwillitpass · 06/10/2023 20:53

Well done! Honestly this is a good decision, it gives you back some control. You will definitely feel better but it might take a while. Try to stay busy. This situation was going nowhere, now you are free to meet someone much better.