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Original poster

If your partner did something in bed that you weren't comfortable with, would you be angry?

57 replies

notsurewhattodo12 · 02/10/2023 17:47

If your partner did something in bed that you expressively told them you weren't comfortable with, would you be angry?

TMI,I'm so sorry. but my husband was touching and kissing my breast and could see I didn't like it. He just said he thought I had gotten comfortable with it now. I then told him not to just not suck on them (I told him in the past that I was sexually assaulted and my assaulter sucked on my breast). He said "They're mine". "We'll get you used to it" and proceeded to do it.

I feel my feelings are undermined and quite sad.
Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Changingplace · 02/10/2023 17:48

Ugh no that’s awful I’d be really upset, he’s totally in the wrong :(

Islandsadness · 02/10/2023 17:48

You're not overreacting and I'm sorry, but your husband is a grade A asshole.

FourStringsNoWaiting · 02/10/2023 17:48

That is assault and I'm sorry it happened to you

Octobermeterreadtime · 02/10/2023 17:49

Maybe knee him in the balls and tell him to get used to it? . Or better still kick his sorry arse out of your life.

Original poster
notsurewhattodo12 · 02/10/2023 17:49

FourStringsNoWaiting · 02/10/2023 17:48

That is assault and I'm sorry it happened to you

I feel he'll say I'm overreacting and it's not assault as I let him touch me in other ways.

OP posts:
Talktothefax · 02/10/2023 17:51

It doesn’t matter what he thinks when you leave him for being abusive.

FourStringsNoWaiting · 02/10/2023 17:53

That's not how it works, just because you've consented to other types of physical contact doesn't mean you consent to this. And even if it did, consent is not a contract. It can be revoked

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/10/2023 17:54

He said "They're mine". "We'll get you used to it" and proceeded to do it.

Thats a relationship ender for me. Your body is yours and doing things without consent is assault.

I mean, if he consented to a blow job and you stuck a 8” dildo up his arse he wouldn’t think blanket consent applied… so same with you. Consenting to some things does not give consent to something you’ve explicitly said you don’t want

MinnieMountain · 02/10/2023 17:56

Also, consenting to a specific thing once doesn’t necessary mean you’ll want to next time. I will sometimes move DH’s hand away from a part of my body and there’s no way he’d put it back.

Dillydollydingdong · 02/10/2023 17:57

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Original poster
notsurewhattodo12 · 02/10/2023 17:58

Thank you for all your replies.
I can't believe I poured my heart out to him talking about my assault. I feel like a fool now

OP posts:
Millybob · 02/10/2023 17:58

Tell him that his balls are yours - as you aim a good kick.

User562377 · 02/10/2023 17:58

If he listened when I told him I was uncomfortable and he stopped straight away and apologised then I wouldn't be angry.

But in your situation I'd be so hurt and angry and upset. That is so awful and disrespectful and there are just not enough words.

I would consider ending a relationship over that behaviour.

You are definitely not over-reacting and please don't let him tell you otherwise.

Take care of yourself now x

HoneyBadgerMom · 02/10/2023 17:59

No, that is not ok. A good man who loves you wants you to feel safe. A good man who loves you enjoys your pleasure as much as he enjoys his own (same with a good woman, seeing your partner satisfied sexually makes you happy).

Doing something that is frightening for you is wrong. Talking about it isn't wrong. Talking about ways to ease you into it, because he really likes it, is fine, because both of you should be comfortable expressing your sexual desires and working toward making it enjoyable for you both.

But just forcing it is selfish and insensitive. I'm all for compromise, but "you'll get used to it" isn't compromise.

HoneyBadgerMom · 02/10/2023 18:00

notsurewhattodo12 · 02/10/2023 17:58

Thank you for all your replies.
I can't believe I poured my heart out to him talking about my assault. I feel like a fool now

I hope you talk to him and tell him this is how that made you feel.

MaryJanesonabreak · 02/10/2023 18:00

Consent isn’t a one off contract. It is continuous, what is an option on one occasion may not be on the next. Your body belongs to you in its entirety. There is no part that belongs to anybody else.
Your partner is pushing down your boundaries because he wants to carry on pushing down boundaries. What next is he going to insist you are overreacting to?

Mellowautumnmists · 02/10/2023 18:01

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You do know that "no" means "no" and not just in the context of rape. Do you understand the meaning of "consent" and "boundaries"?

FourStringsNoWaiting · 02/10/2023 18:01

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Did you actually read the OP? It says she was previously assaulted and this happened during the assault

Not that she needs to justify not consenting to a sexual act, but it's entirely understandable that she wouldn't like this. Whether it's 'normal' or not, and whether you personally would enjoy it, is irrelevant

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/10/2023 18:01

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No. Do not do that.

it doesn’t matter that you love it. The op doesn’t and it triggers memories of a horrific assault

There should be no minimising if his actions

Original poster
notsurewhattodo12 · 02/10/2023 18:01

This is not the first time he makes me feel guilty over sex or insists (it happened in the past with penetrative sex when I was pregnant and had painful vaginismus). But it's the first time he does something with me saying no

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/10/2023 18:02

notsurewhattodo12 · 02/10/2023 17:58

Thank you for all your replies.
I can't believe I poured my heart out to him talking about my assault. I feel like a fool now

Don’t feel like a fool. Unfortunately disrespectful men don’t come with warning labels

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2023 18:04

He said "They're mine". "We'll get you used to it" and proceeded to do it.

He's telling you he's abusive and he intends to continue. I'd leave.

Used2beMw · 02/10/2023 18:04

That’s made me feel a bit sick to be honest. ‘We’ll get you used to it’ is just creepy. Like a pp said why not stick an 8 inch dildo up his arse & tell him you’ll get him used to it.

MissingMoominMamma · 02/10/2023 18:04

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It really doesn’t matter what you love; the OP’s partner isn’t doing it to you. She doesn’t like it and has asked him not to do it. So he shouldn’t.

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 02/10/2023 18:05

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It doesn’t matter if you like your DH sucking your breasts. Just like it doesn’t matter that some women enjoy anal but you don’t.

The OP told him she didn’t want him to do that. He should have respected her wishes instead of thinking she is going to ‘get used to it’ (Note: not enjoying it or wanting it, just being able to accept it Wo a fuss).
Thats what consent is.

Unless you are also happy fir your DH to tell you you’ll get used to have anal because fir some women, it’s enjoyable. Despite you finding it really unpleasant.