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Original poster

If your partner did something in bed that you weren't comfortable with, would you be angry?

57 replies

notsurewhattodo12 · 02/10/2023 17:47

If your partner did something in bed that you expressively told them you weren't comfortable with, would you be angry?

TMI,I'm so sorry. but my husband was touching and kissing my breast and could see I didn't like it. He just said he thought I had gotten comfortable with it now. I then told him not to just not suck on them (I told him in the past that I was sexually assaulted and my assaulter sucked on my breast). He said "They're mine". "We'll get you used to it" and proceeded to do it.

I feel my feelings are undermined and quite sad.
Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Pallisers · 02/10/2023 18:07

This would be a very serious moment for me. Like dump him moment. I'm not sure I could ever relax in bed again with a man who did this and said what he did.

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 02/10/2023 18:08

@notsurewhattodo12 he is walking all over your boundaries and is telling you you dint have a choice.

Tye ‘you’ll get used to it’ is particularly concerning tbh. Because it’s telling you that if he feels like doing something, he’ll do it anyway AND is expecting you to simply out up with it at some point.

I couldn’t ever trust him after that.

MoreThanEnoughSoFar · 02/10/2023 18:10

notsurewhattodo12 · 02/10/2023 17:49

I feel he'll say I'm overreacting and it's not assault as I let him touch me in other ways.

Show quote history

Assault is when a woman says no and the man continues. You are not allowed to assault someone today just because they let you grope them yesterday.

I'm sorry, but your partner is a predator. He violated you and flattened the barrier you painstakingly put up to shield you from the memory of what your abuser did to you and his answer is "they're mine"?

They're mine? As is parts of your body aren't for you to control any-more but him? Only rapists would say that and only a psychopath would say that to a victim of sexual abuse. Run.

Original poster
notsurewhattodo12 · 02/10/2023 18:12

Thank you all for your insight!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 02/10/2023 18:16

He knew you didn’t like it
marked them as being his
and said it was up to you to get used to it

completely ignoring your boundaries abd placing his desires and needs over your right to not like something

dealbreaker for me

DaisyWaldron · 02/10/2023 18:18

He's assaulted you at least once, and has made it clear that he doesn't respect your boundaries, or think of sex as something you need to enjoy. . I'd recommend ending the relationship because he's going to do this again, and try to convince you that you are making a fuss about nothing.

Sorry OP. I don't think your relationship has any future in which you can feel safe, happy and supported.

Missedmytoe · 02/10/2023 18:22

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/10/2023 17:54

He said "They're mine". "We'll get you used to it" and proceeded to do it.

Thats a relationship ender for me. Your body is yours and doing things without consent is assault.

I mean, if he consented to a blow job and you stuck a 8” dildo up his arse he wouldn’t think blanket consent applied… so same with you. Consenting to some things does not give consent to something you’ve explicitly said you don’t want

I completely agree. Without getting into tmi, my husband always focuses on what I like, and am comfortable with. Last week he asked to do something that I'm not into. I said no. He just said "Okay, I won't" and did something else thatb I'm happy with.
At no point has he ever claimed my body is 'his', or suggested I move outside my comfort zone.

HateLongCovid · 02/10/2023 18:28

Under no circumstances is what he did acceptable. If he doesn't apologise and agree to not do it again, I don't think I could continue in the relationship. You should be equals in a relationship. It sounds like he wants the power. Big red flag!

Atethehalloweenchocs · 02/10/2023 19:02

I am so sorry this happened to you. Doesnt matter what it was, you said no and he did it. That is really awful and I echo the poster who said it made them feel sick.

Tinkerbyebye · 02/10/2023 19:05

You were assaulted once, and he has done it again, it’s as simple as that

it would be serious talk time, along the lines of I told you not todo it, you knew I had been assaulted and you went ahead and assaulted me again, no means no and you have violated my trust. I now need time to think about how I move forward in this relationship and if i can ever trust you again

I would the go and stay with friends/family for a while and think about if I really wanted to stay with someone like this

siegfriedchild · 02/10/2023 19:07

I wouldn’t be angry, I’d be away. If you ask someone not to do something, that should be respected. Sadly I haven’t met the man who can deal appropriately with a partner who has been assaulted. Sorry for the negativity. I’m sure someone will say #notsallmen, as they do.

Shoxfordian · 02/10/2023 19:07

He’s sexually assaulted you; your body is yours not his - it’s not serious talk time, it’s divorce time

Fleabane · 02/10/2023 19:09

I'm so sorry. Your partner is sexually abusive and very cruel. He knew that what he was doing would traumatise you and he did it anyway. He's a man who is turned on by sexual assault.

You need to leave.

ThreeRingCircus · 02/10/2023 19:11

"They're mine"

No, they are not. They are yours but he's telling you that he sees you as his property/an object rather than your own person with your own likes and desires.

"We'll get you used to it."

This is a fucking terrible thing to say. Basically that he knows you don't like it, but he does so he doesn't care. He's going to do it anyway and you're going to have to put up with it.

I am so sorry that your husband assaulted you. Because that is 100% what he did. I couldn't stay with him after this, I'd never feel safe with him again.

Newlydivorcedyay · 02/10/2023 19:12

If he wants to own a woman, it better be an inflatable one.
Your body is definitely not his, it's yours, and you get to set your boundaries.

BCSurvivor · 02/10/2023 19:13

I see it as assault.
You told him no, and he carried on, telling you ''you'd get used to it''
If that was me, the trust would be gone and I'm not sure how a marriage could survive without trust.
It's not okay.

whattttttodo · 02/10/2023 19:38

FourStringsNoWaiting · 02/10/2023 17:53

That's not how it works, just because you've consented to other types of physical contact doesn't mean you consent to this. And even if it did, consent is not a contract. It can be revoked

This this this

WorkSmarter · 03/10/2023 18:38

Aw I feel sad for you OP.
I would like to think I would have given him a knee to the balls right there but we don't IRL. We get to do one of these - freeze, flight or fight but sometimes it takes time to process, which is what you are doing.
You can still do two of the three. It's up to you.
He sounds like an entitled dick head. Your body is yours, not his. If anyone I knew got upset by something I did, I would feel bad, back off and apologise straight away, not override their feelings for mine.
That's not respect or love xxxxx

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 03/10/2023 18:49

You told him no, you said stop and he carried on, this is sexual assault OP Flowers

FinallyHere · 03/10/2023 19:08

I feel he'll say I'm overreacting and it's not assault as I let him touch me in other ways.

Good job the law on assault is clear on that point then.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. One thing you can be sure of, his behaviour is not ok. There is even a video about it, using the cup of tea analogy

https://www.facinghistory.org/en-gb/resource-library/tea-consent

Saschka · 03/10/2023 19:12

He said "They're mine". "We'll get you used to it" and proceeded to do it.

Yuck! Instant ick.

This genuinely made me feel nauseated OP, I couldn’t have sex with him again after that. It would be like having a bucket of cold water thrown over you.

Whattodo112222 · 03/10/2023 19:18

Quite simply he's a cunt.
How dare he disrespect your boundaries.
I hope you make plans to leave him.

Intelligenthair · 03/10/2023 19:28

This would be the end of the marriage for me. Your husband is not a good man.

Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 03/10/2023 19:29

Millybob · 02/10/2023 17:58

Tell him that his balls are yours - as you aim a good kick.

Yes that

Redglitter · 03/10/2023 19:34

He said "They're mine". "We'll get you used to it" and proceeded to do it

I think that would be a deal breaker for me.

Theyre not his, they're yours. And as such you decide who does or doesn't touch them.

To say 'well get you used to it' is vile & shows how little respect he has. You've explained the assault & despite that he's done the one thing you said you didn't want. Even worse than that when you've told him again he's clearly indicated that it's something he intends to do again.

As far as he's concerned his pleasure is more important than your boundaries, your feelings & your consent

Don't put up with that

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