Page 4 | Would you be happy if your partner told you this?

SnapdragonToadflax · 01/10/2023 22:51

What milestones is your child not meeting? I can't believe a HV has mentioned speech delay unless they're literally saying nothing. Mine had two words at 16 months, there were no concerns at all.

Why are you putting up with this? You must realise this isn't a normal way to live?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/10/2023 22:55

namechanged12312 · 01/10/2023 21:35

That's the thing. He genuinely thinks our son would be developing a lot better if he were the main carer. And that's he's got a delay because I'm the SAHP.

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So let him. Tell him you'll get a job, he can do it all and he'll soon see it's not you.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/10/2023 22:59

namechanged12312 · 01/10/2023 21:14

That's the thing. He's sweet and supportive. But at the same time, I feel he criticises EVERYTHING I do or don't do as a parent everyday. He always gives me so many instructions and "advice", a set schedule, etc...

So I'm on the fence.

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What the fuck??

He's given you a schedule because you're so bloody useless you can't be trusted to raise his child properly??

And dear god you're pregnant by him again. It won't get better op. He'll just get more and more controlling. I'd seriously be thinking about your long term prospects of escape. Are you able to go back to work once baby is old enough? Would your family take you in? Do you have access to money? At least make some provisions so you can get away if things take a turn

He's treating you like the hired help except he also gets sex. Is that in his schedule too?

Sonolanona · 02/10/2023 00:00

He has a SCHEDULE for you?
FUCK THAT!
That is controlling coersive behaviour and he is a massive twat.
Please stick up for yourself!! Unless you have kept your DS in a dog cage for 16m, his developmental delays are not due to how you parent!

I say that as the Mum of four... my youngest had severe delays.. he didn't walk til well over two and didn't have any words at all til he was 4, but because I had three others I knew damn well it wasn't anything we had or hadn't done!

You have a serious Dh problem :(

Incidentally my very delayed son eventually talked and hasn't stopped since... (has autism but it an awesome , wonderful guy) and my dgs didn't have any words at all til nearly 2... and at 2.5 has exploded into language. Children all develop at their own rates!

I'd be looking for an exit route...

Pinkglobelamp · 02/10/2023 00:09

He sounds somewhat disturbed. Would you trust him to take over as the SAHP and you go to work? (Not if you don't want to — just that it sounds like he really, really wants to be the SAHP.) (Not that I'd trust him to by the sounds of his "schedule" — what a weird way to treat a baby or toddler! The idea is to go with the child's schedule and to have lots of fun!)

MariaAshley · 02/10/2023 00:10

namechanged12312 · 01/10/2023 21:14

That's the thing. He's sweet and supportive. But at the same time, I feel he criticises EVERYTHING I do or don't do as a parent everyday. He always gives me so many instructions and "advice", a set schedule, etc...

So I'm on the fence.

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Your definition of "sweet and supportive" is way off. He's not. He's controlling. You're not his staff. He has no rights to speak to you like that or tell you what to do all the time, parenting decisions should come about through discussion and compromise, not one party laying down the law. Agree the comment is a huge red flag because it implies you deserve him "being hard on you". You don't. I'll bet you're not a shit parent. He's undermining you and destroying your confidence so he can keep you squashed down. Does "you've improved as a parent" actually mean "you've cowtowed to my ways to shut me up and stop me going on at you endlessly" by any chance? It's a common response to coercive control.

SemperIdem · 02/10/2023 00:12

He is not sweet @namechanged12312

He is quietly, and very effectively, controlling and coercive.

This is not normal. You should not have to live your life this way.

You are an adult, you don’t need a schedule, created by him, to adhere to when you’re caring for your baby. That is outrageous!

Do you have friends or family nearby? Do you see them often?

MariaAshley · 02/10/2023 00:13

Pinkglobelamp · 02/10/2023 00:09

He sounds somewhat disturbed. Would you trust him to take over as the SAHP and you go to work? (Not if you don't want to — just that it sounds like he really, really wants to be the SAHP.) (Not that I'd trust him to by the sounds of his "schedule" — what a weird way to treat a baby or toddler! The idea is to go with the child's schedule and to have lots of fun!)

Don't do this OP. If he's the main care giver he'll get resident parent status if you split and you'll be the one doing every other weekend. If he is angling for this, it'll be a way to try to prevent you from leaving him. Once that's been achieved the controlling behaviour could get worse.

AvocadotoastORahouse · 02/10/2023 00:20

SemperIdem · 02/10/2023 00:12

He is not sweet @namechanged12312

He is quietly, and very effectively, controlling and coercive.

This is not normal. You should not have to live your life this way.

You are an adult, you don’t need a schedule, created by him, to adhere to when you’re caring for your baby. That is outrageous!

Do you have friends or family nearby? Do you see them often?

Exactly.

I actually got chills when I read that he has a "schedule" for you! What The Fuck???!!!

There's more red flags than Moscow on Putin's birthday with this absolute prick.

keffie12 · 02/10/2023 00:23

namechanged12312 · 01/10/2023 21:02

"You have improved so much as a parent. I know I can be hard on you sometimes (as in telling you what to do/what not to do with parenting.)"

Would you be find this sweet? Or how would you feel about it?

Having read down these messages and yours, I have to tell you you are being gaslighted. You need to seriously consider whether to stay in this relationship or not. Gaslighting is abuse. I would say get the hell out now. However, it's your decision. It won't get better, though. He will wear your mental health down

SammyScrounge · 02/10/2023 00:25

namechanged12312 · 01/10/2023 21:02

"You have improved so much as a parent. I know I can be hard on you sometimes (as in telling you what to do/what not to do with parenting.)"

Would you be find this sweet? Or how would you feel about it?

He s a pompous ass!

MeinKraft · 02/10/2023 01:13

He sounds like an absolute nutcase tbh.

nearlywinteragain · 02/10/2023 02:08

SemperIdem · 02/10/2023 00:12

He is not sweet @namechanged12312

He is quietly, and very effectively, controlling and coercive.

This is not normal. You should not have to live your life this way.

You are an adult, you don’t need a schedule, created by him, to adhere to when you’re caring for your baby. That is outrageous!

Do you have friends or family nearby? Do you see them often?

Honestly this is the case.

SandyY2K · 02/10/2023 02:10

It sound's patronising. I wouldn't like it one bit.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/10/2023 02:16

namechanged12312 · 01/10/2023 21:35

That's the thing. He genuinely thinks our son would be developing a lot better if he were the main carer. And that's he's got a delay because I'm the SAHP.

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He’s a very shit parent then - if I thought the person doing the primary care of my child was actually causing them to be significantly behind their peers then I’d be doing more of the parenting myself.

Not just issuing orders at them and allowing the problems to continue. No decent parent would do that - so he’s either a shit parent or he doesn’t believe that and is just saying it to hurt your confidence…

I noticed you said you were pregnant - it’s very common for abuse to start, or ramp up, in pregnancy and shortly after. You’ve had two pregnancies in a relatively short space of time, please be careful that this is not that. It creeps in little bits at a time.

Fairymother · 02/10/2023 02:26

namechanged12312 · 01/10/2023 21:14

That's the thing. He's sweet and supportive. But at the same time, I feel he criticises EVERYTHING I do or don't do as a parent everyday. He always gives me so many instructions and "advice", a set schedule, etc...

So I'm on the fence.

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You should weite some instructions for his day at work. If he complains just say you were confused because hes twlling you what to do..

gamerchick · 02/10/2023 07:27

namechanged12312 · 01/10/2023 21:35

That's the thing. He genuinely thinks our son would be developing a lot better if he were the main carer. And that's he's got a delay because I'm the SAHP.

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That could be arranged tbh. Get maternity out of the way and he can stay at home with 2 kids. I'd be excitedly saying thankyou and start looking at my options.

Patronising fucker. Tell him to fuck off and when he's the one doing the stay at home thing he can crack on.

Mylovelygreendress · 02/10/2023 08:10

gamerchick · 02/10/2023 07:27

That could be arranged tbh. Get maternity out of the way and he can stay at home with 2 kids. I'd be excitedly saying thankyou and start looking at my options.

Patronising fucker. Tell him to fuck off and when he's the one doing the stay at home thing he can crack on.

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No ! Sorry but that’s terrible advice . If they split up the OP will only see her DC EOW if he is the resident parent.

OP can I suggest you write a schedule for his work day ? When he checks emails , has lunch etc .

Divinespark · 02/10/2023 08:46

namechanged12312 · 01/10/2023 21:02

"You have improved so much as a parent. I know I can be hard on you sometimes (as in telling you what to do/what not to do with parenting.)"

Would you be find this sweet? Or how would you feel about it?

Controlling patronising narcissistic message. Nothing sweet about that.

jannier · 02/10/2023 10:32

His attitude is going to give you pnd he's cleverly manipulating you wrapping it up in a pretence of concern.

MariaAshley · 02/10/2023 15:31

Don't write him ys schedule OP. That won't go well for you. He's not doing this because he doesn't understand how it feels, so trying to make him see how it feels is pointless. He knows how it feels and that's exactly why he's doing it. He wants you upset, frustrated, feeling down and like you can't do anything right. He's doing it because he thinks he's entitled to control you. You're not going to change his mind about that. He's never going to admit that he's being controlling or concede that controlling others is wrong and stop doing it.

If he becomes SAHD you'll have even less of a life than you do now. He'll have another thing to threaten you with. He will be the one to threaten to break up the marriage, as a way of keeping you in line, knowing that if you split you'll hardly ever see the DC and that you won't want this. He'll be able to get his way with this threat every time and you'll be totally trapped. Don't think he'll start doing all the housework either. He won't. You'll end up working all hours to pay for everything he wants, then doing all the housework and being treated like a nanny, with a schedule and instructions for parenting your own children, when you're at home. You'll have even less of a life than you have now.

NeedTheSeaside · 03/10/2023 13:52

jannier · 01/10/2023 22:21

I can't believe a HV has said there is speech delay so young have a look at the typical speech development charts most of it will be babbling in a speech pattern 7 to 20 words at 18 months is pretty good but some have less others more.

Yep!

HV's vary as much as opinions, but the majority do more harm than good. Be wary of taking what they say as correct. Always get other opinions. Or just refuse to see them, you don't have to!

i didn't mention it before because the biggest issue here is Captain Controlling & you needing to get away from
him!!

After you've done that, you can get DS assessed IF YOU think it's necessary. Just keep chatting to him in the meantime

theres no way I'd allow this controlling twat to be the resident parent. NO WAY.

DustyMaiden · 22/10/2023 12:09

I would say Fuck off, and I don’t usually swear.