Parents of kids in their late teens/early 20s…

[goodkidsmaadhouse]

What behaviours are you glad you clamped down on and what do you wish you’d been more relaxed about?

Our oldest is not a teen yet but I feel like we are starting to have some very teen like behaviour and I want to think carefully about how to approach this next phase and not always be reactive. I think there are things I’m being too strict about and then I think but I should be…

Helping with chores. They have always been really good with doing anything I've asked them to do, IE unloading & loading the dishwasher, hoovering, putting bins out etc.

When they got older they started cooking meals and suggesting menu ideas.

Didn't care about screen time as long as all homework was done and they ate with us, and occasionally watched a tv programme with us!

I gave mine a lot of freedom to make their own mistakes and learn from them, adults now - no curfews on devices, let them stay out at friends etc but they had to tell me where they were. Taught them to cook from much younger, never got them up for school etc they had to get themselves up etc. it's all worked out

Encouraging my daughter to cook. When she was a child she was very underweight as she had no interest in food. Her TV diet was Saturday Kitchen, Nigella, the Hairy Bikers, Jamie Oliver, Mary Berry etc.

She went to university being able to bake, and cook proper meals. Last Christmas we sat in the lounge quaffing wine while she cooked the Christmas dinner.

Chores but as part of living as a family, not for money.

Independence - making your way to a friend/cinema/school/club on her own instead of relying on parents. Obviously with teaching how and making sure she has a phone, money and keys.

If she if miffed about anything, we talk it out, she is not allowed to run off, slam doors or shout.

Family meals - unless commitments say differently, we eat togehter. I am not a restaurant cooking for orders. I also don't want to have a kitchen in uproar after I cleaned it after dinner.
DD can cook and does it if necessary but I don't want to shop for two differnt meals each day either.

Staying in touch, started this when she first started going shopping etc with friends. she had to check in. Now 18, she is still great at doing this, even if we’re in bed when she gets back to a friends from a club she still lets us know.

No rudeness
Doing chores and bringing down laundry for washing
Respecting everyone in the family
Absolutely no physical violence
Not allowed to use others belongings without asking
Update on where they are at and what time coming home

Zero tolerance on rudeness / talking to us disrespectfully. Rules without relationship equals rebellion.

Keep relationship and communication going. Discuss things don’t “ban” but calmly explain why if saying no. Try to say yes if you can unless there is a good reason not to which you can justify.

Don’t leap to anger. We found vapes our then 14 year old was out. I would have ranted and raved like my parents but saw friends with older teens that evening and they talked us round. Instead we had a “disappointed in you” discussion. Dd ended ip
in tears. She gave up vaping and doesn’t vape now (confirmed by my spies). She’s known in her friendship group as the one that doesn’t vape.

I think it depends a lot on the type of child you have, observing with them what triggers behavioural issues. With both my boys who enjoy computer gaming, they needed limits on screen time to ensure they had enough time for school work and other activities. We've always insisted all the children have at least 2 afterschool activities a week and something at the weekend. We've never had to place limits on going out as they're not into drinking and parties.
As they're still all at school, my 15 and 13yo have a bedtime.

We've always had controls over phones - no phones upstairs and so far this seems to have stopped any SM/major friendship issues with my daughter as well. I don't limit the apps they have, but I do still check my daughter's phone intermittently, as she's only 13.

House work wise, all the children can cook, although mainly for fun as I'm a really good cook. They make their beds (starting in year 4) and put their own washing away (starting in year 7) and they tidy and clean the kitchen after roast on a sunday.

• help with chores
• no gaming during the week, phones downstairs at 9pm (later when older)
• gaming on the weekends only after homework and chores done
• no tolerance of rudeness to us or each other
• staying active

That might sound a bit strict but that was pretty much the strictest I got.
I never punished them but did operate a natural consequence policy.

Sharing the cooking. From about 13/14 when they said what’s for dinner I often said whatever you are making… they all 4 are excellent cooks now and really enjoy it. So much so that they will often tell me not to make what I am all prepared and poised to make because they want to try a new recipe.

Also getting a job. All have worked in various jobs since about 17. Has made such a difference in job interviews for graduate jobs being shoe to talk not only about professional internships etc but also that for 6 months they worked in a restaurant kitchen, or groomed polo ponies every weekend for 2 years etc. Employers want someone not scared of hard work and also who have dealt with the public and understand customer service. That really really helps.

@reluctantbrit weve been going down similar lines than you.

In particular, I believe that giving them as much independence as they could handle/was practical helped a lot when they were teenagers.
They had the opportunity to learn is safe environments and still get the feeling they had choices.

Agree with most of these - similar here.

Chores - if you are part of the family then you pitch in. Not rewarded with money but natural consequences. If you help around the house then everyone has more free time and that free time can be used to give you lifts!

Manners - they cost nothing but usually get you something.

Politeness - it's ok to be angry. It's ok to disagree and it's ok not to like what I'm saying as a parent and to have a different POV and want me to change my mind. But being rude about it is not ok and and all that will happen is I'll disengage. I spent a lot of time during the 6 months of puberty suggesting to da as he wasn't cross at me - rather a situation - it would be better for him to keep me onside!

But I do also think personality plays a let in these things coming off how you plan!

Ds is extremely laid back like me so I wasn't parenting a strong personality who wanted to butt heads over everything.

So I think you need to have your parenting wants but also adapt them to the child you have!

I hate this emphasis on learning chores and cooking (especially for girls) - it’s not brain surgery - they don’t need days/weeks/years of practise!

Our equivalent was that we expected them to be independent quite early. We were quite strict about safeguarding, school work and respect. But liberal about almost everything else.

They could swear, drink, go out, keep their own bedtimes, game all night if they wanted to etc. But they had to be up and get themselves ready with all their kit for their very early school bus. They had to do their best at school. Regularly text us where they were and what they were up to. And be honest and open with us.

They knew that if they were dicks, we’d take away all the ‘liberal’ attitude which was a really good deterrent. They tended to police themselves quite well and never gave us any angst. They kept reasonable bed times and were always ready in the morning and were high flyers at school.

We never had to play the heavy handed parents (although we absolutely would’ve) and so we never really had the rebellion like a lot of parents /teens.

It worked well. They are successful young adults now and we all still enjoy hanging out.

Funny, I was having a similar conversation with the the parent of a 17 year old on the same subject this morning.

We agreed that it was important that parents gave their young people the tools to resolve diff

Didn't finish my post above! As I was saying, I was having a similar discussion with a friend earlier...

We discussed how important it was to give young people the skills to resolve tricky situations themselves. For example, he talked about something that had arisen at his child's school and how he didn't step in, but instead they discussed how to resolve it and rehearsed what his child should say.

I would also echo what others have said above about the importance of ensuring that your child can shop and cook on a budget - and can clean the kitchen afterwards.

Also the importance of getting some sort of job at any early age. This teaches them so many skills - particularly dealing with adults who are not part of their family or their teachers.

Similar to most.
I think teaching them about 'taking responsibility' from an early age.
They make decisions, they take the consequences - good and bad.
Lots of talking / listening and giving them responsibility to make choices from early on. Always giving them a bit of autonomy, even where the main thing isn't a choice (when under 2, things like "It's bedtime, do you want to walk upstairs or have a carry" so they get a choice over their actions even though the bedtime wasn't negotiable. Then that went on through childhood and teens, where they gain an understanding that something in life are non-negotiable, but, where there is a choice, it is up to them if they take it or not. So not sweating over them not wanting to take a coat to school in the Early secondary years, but not going to pick them up when it rained, if they decided not to sort of thing.

A lot of the talking / listening probably came from the always eating tea together, at the table, no TV or watching things on devices. But also I was willing to drive them to things, and support things they wanted to do. Against that, they understood from early on that the family all had to weigh in with keeping the house clean and tidy / washing in basket then put away when clean / cooking needed to be done etc.
Also, extending that to things they belonged to or joined in with outside the home - they grew up knowing that someone has to get the chairs out / put them away before a meeting.... or put the posts and nets up before a game and down again afterwards ..... or all the equipment needed to be put away after a camp ...... or washing up done after any community meal and so forth.

We discussed how important it was to give young people the skills to resolve tricky situations themselves. For example, he talked about something that had arisen at his child's school and how he didn't step in, but instead they discussed how to resolve it and rehearsed what his child should say.

This ^ 100%

Rather than stepping in at every upset, we'd talk about what the situation was and ask them what they thought they might be able to do to resolve it, or , if it was one of those things in line that was disappointing, but not actually unfair, and accepting that wasn't a time to complain, but it is okay to feel sad.

Also 'budgeting' - grasping the idea early on that you have X amount of pocket money, and if you spend it, then it is gone and no-one is replacing it. Encouraging them to learn to save bits "for something you might appreciate / suddenly need money for later". Then supporting them when they wanted to get jobs outside the home.

I think the main thing has been talking to them and not treating them like children.

I have never imposed sanctions for behaviour. I would prefer to have a talk to them later when everything is calm to discuss why what they've done might not be great.

I want them to feel they can tell me anything without fearing the consequences. I have twice had to raise safeguarding concerns regarding their friends because my children have felt they could tell me what was happening so I count that as a success.

I'm fairly permissive. I tell them my opinions about things but make it clear that they need to make the choice themselves. I don't stop them doing things but do talk to them about the risks. So they know that if they tried vaping/drugs/etc I'd worry about the effects on their health and their safety but I won't be cross.

The youngest will be 18 soon. So far my technique hasn't backfired too badly so fingers crossed it stays that way.

My kids have always been pretty easy to parent though. I might not have fared so well with more disobedient children.

Oh yes another one - we hardly ever got involved in sibling arguments. If they tried to draw us in, we'd say 'you have to sort this yourselves'. I think this really helped their relationship to develop.

Yes to work. We got dc to volunteer as soon as they could. Gave them skills and a work ethic. Doing chores from a young age gave them a "can do" attitude.

Thanks for these everyone, I've really enjoyed reading them.

On rudeness - I've got a very very low tolerance for rudeness and I'm not sure if my approach at the moment is a bit harsh, so the posters who said absolutely no rudeness, how did you enforce that?

A lot of the positive things e.g. eating together, helping out in the house are very much embedded in our family. I think it's the negative side of things that I'm struggling with. When the DC were toddlers I had a very 'pick your battles' approach and I found the toddler years mostly very easy and fun but the battles to pick in those days were very easy to figure out 😂

On "rudeness" my thoughts are that that can cover a whole range of behaviours and that different types of "rudeness" may require different strategies. What type of behaviour are you experiencing? Swearing? Not saying please and thank you when appropriate? Deliberate insults designed to hurt? Cheeky comments designed to get a reaction?

Be respectful always. Also whatever happens, and i say this as someone who has had middle of the night drunken phone calls as well as car crashes, they can call and we will always be there, the arguments can come later. Family meals also very important. Let them be who they want to be even if it tests your image of who you want them to be.

I think parenting is affected by the child you have.
I was a single parent with no family support, so I had limited choice with some things.
I’m very glad I had a low tolerance for rudeness.
My kids had to help out with chores/ dogs, and got a job in their teens to finance their ‘wants’.
They are young adults now and are independent, responsible and capable . I wish I could do more for them. We have a really good relationship though.

I think I am quite a relaxed parent, perhaps too much so in some respects.
You have to work with the type of teen you have, mental health problems, friendship issues and academic troubles can all temper how you approach rules and discipline.
I have always pushed that they do their best at school in the areas they enjoy or excel at. They have to put effort in for their own future.
They help if asked but I don't enforce a set list of chores.
They cook and bake and have a set of meals they can do from scratch.
They can always call and we will come whatever the drama safety comes first.
Keep in touch.
Keep some things you do together as they grow up like a cosy film night or coffee and cake things you can hold onto and connect.
We don't really get much cheek or rudeness now they are mid teens. I suppose there might be more if I were stricter enforcing more rules.
Have a job it's really helpful if they can.

We didn’t really have rules . We never had bedtimes after about 9 , never had limits on screen time , never had curfews but I always had to know where they were and was happy to be a taxi service .They were both naturally clean and tidy and I don’t tolerate rudeness . My parents bought us up in a similar fashion , my dad was always waiting outside of places in the early hours . It’s worked fine for us , they are both lovely adults .