Parents of kids in their late teens/early 20s…

[goodkidsmaadhouse]

What behaviours are you glad you clamped down on and what do you wish you’d been more relaxed about?

Our oldest is not a teen yet but I feel like we are starting to have some very teen like behaviour and I want to think carefully about how to approach this next phase and not always be reactive. I think there are things I’m being too strict about and then I think but I should be…

So the rudeness we are currently experiencing - insults mostly aimed at younger brothers and DH when she feels she’s been wronged by them.

I think that sibling relationships fall into their own special (general no holds barred) category. Unless it's a very clear case of one sibling bullying another, most of the time it's best for parents not to involve themselves in sibling arguments - the siblings will work things out between each other. Sometimes it may be necessary to say something so that parental silence doesn't come across as tacit agreement, eg if your DD says, "DB's painting is a load of rubbish," you say, "I think it's a lovely painting!" But sibling arguments is very much an area in which to pick your battles and only get involved if things are getting very out of hand.

I think you need to learn to risk assess situations properly in order to give them freedom. You can only do this so far but it allows you flexibility. Eg sometimes they’re perhaps safer in a busy pub watching a band (underage) than they would be hanging out in a dark park at night, that kind of thing. Sometimes it’s better to accept an uncomfortable truth than a satisfying lie, etc. The important stuff is important, and deviations from the truth here have consequences, who are you with/ where are you going/ when are you back/ be in contact always.
From experience, monitor their friendships like your life depends on it. I don’t mean you decide who their friends are, but get to know them, nurture the good ones , the ones whose families you can communicate with.
Don’t assume under any circumstances that all parents have a similar parenting style to you. If they go to sleepovers make it your business to check which adults will be present etc, this is imperative. So many times the risky situations that have occurred in our lives have happened at sleepovers where parents have used the opportunity of a friend staying over to enjoy a night out themselves, leaving the kids to get drunk/ wander into the night/ etc.

It’s a challenge when you have sociable one with a vast and fluid friendship group. You just get to grips with certain kids and their families who you approve of then they are gone or there are more! Mine has friends across 5 different schools state and private. Fun times!

Completely agree with Oddearslongnose re the importance of risk assessing each situation. In particular, that means not having random plucked out of thin air curfew times by which your child needs to be home. For example, if a reliable friend's mum has kindly offered to provide a taxi service home at 10pm, going with that is likely to be safer than forcing your DD to leave half an hour earlier and walk home alone because you've insisted she must be home before 10pm.