Parents of kids in their late teens/early 20s…

[goodkidsmaadhouse]

What behaviours are you glad you clamped down on and what do you wish you’d been more relaxed about?

Our oldest is not a teen yet but I feel like we are starting to have some very teen like behaviour and I want to think carefully about how to approach this next phase and not always be reactive. I think there are things I’m being too strict about and then I think but I should be…

Good manners, being respectful and kind, chores (but that's never had particularly good results looking at the state of my 22 year old's bedroom ...).

Budgeting, not being bought the 'latest gadget' or indulging in fashion trends (unless he wants to use his own money), having to put money toward 'big' purchases, encouraged to save and to get part time work.

I put my foot down when it came to swearing. There is not a complete ban and DH swears but the line is drawn at swearing at us as opposed to with us.

I also was very careful not to show any judgement on things they may experiment with as they grow up. This is important as it helps to keep the communication open and honest. I know that drugs and vaping have been considered/tried but I have also taken the opportunity to talk about the risks in a non judgemental way. This is not easy but if you can manage it they will respect you for it and seek out your opinion on other issues that may come up.

We won’t be spoken to rudely or sneerily by anyone least of all our own kids. We are polite to each other so model that.

At the first slightest inkling of it Dh does a calm but fierce “you do not speak to me like that”. But teens are different ours are girls who essentially want to get on with us and we let them do what they want (within bounds of reason) so it broadly works.

Dd (17) had a lift recently with a girl she isn’t close to and her and her friend were both horrified at how the girl spoke to her lovely dad who was doing them all a massive favour. Dd and her mate both agreed afterwards there was no way their own fathers would put up with being spoken to like that. So SN aside I think it is up to the parent to draw lines ans to what is ancce and what isn’t early.

Acceptable

Some of the sayings I used to and still do say;

For every action we take in life there is a consequences, it's up to us to make sure it's a good consequence.

There are x number of people that live in this house, so x number of people are responsible for keeping clean and tidy.

I hate this emphasis on learning chores and cooking (especially for girls) - it’s not brain surgery - they don’t need days/weeks/years of practise!

I mean, no-one has said "for my daughters", that differentiation only seems to be in your head, but (without wishing to speak for anyone else on the thread) my expectation that everyone in the house chips in and does their bit hasn't got anything to do with 'teaching someone how to put the washing machine on' and is very much about being a part of a normal way of living. That everyone chips in / does what they can to make life easier for whatever group they are living in - be that family, be that your patrol on Scout camp, be that your flat in halls of residence, be that your colleagues, be that the people you play sports with or the people you sing in a choir with.

It is just respectful to put your clothes that needs a wash into the basket so whoever is doing the laundry just has the one pick up. It is really helpful if you are cooking, to have someone who can just lay the table / get drinks for people while you are bringing the meal together. It is just common sense that everyone leaving the table takes something and puts it away / in the dishwasher rather than it becoming a job one person has to do later. It makes sense that if you are in the bathroom and notice some toothpaste in the sink, you whip out the cloth and give it a quick clean. etc etc. It is about understanding that, if everyone does a little thing as they go along, then there aren't really that many 'jobs' that need to be seen as big things for anyone to learn to do. Which links with an understanding about there only being so many hours in the day, and if you want someone to give you a lift, or someone to help you with homework or setting up some IT then those people will have the time to do that, if they aren't trying to do ALL the jobs round the house on top of their own paid work and their own lives.

The fact they might, as an aside, gradually become competent cooks, or DIYers, or whatever, is a by product.

Great thread - reading with interest

So the rudeness we are currently experiencing - insults mostly aimed at younger brothers and DH when she feels she’s been wronged by them. Sometimes it’s a genuine wrong and sometimes it really isn’t (eg DH is giving her a lift and she thinks she’s going to be late… but she isn’t). Cheeky comments don’t bother me at all, manners are great so far and no swearing.

I should add that it was only my Dad around during the teenage years, I went quite off the rails and he really didn’t know how to parent an unruly teen and we didn’t have a good relationship either. So I just don’t feel like I have a great model for this.

I work with teen-agers, my one rule with them, is absolutely no rudeness. And you'd be surprised at how many that I work with don't say please or thank you (to begin with)

No lying.

No drugs in the house.

we always ate dinner as a family round the table.
except saturday nights which were pizza and movie nights in front of TV.

I really recommned similar. The daily connection round the table was at times not so happy family, but on the whole it was an essential part of checking in with everyone and at times fun. The family time on pizza night just helped us connect a bit.

But we also didn't stress those things.

They each did one chore per day (I take my hat off to parents who can get them to do more) and they were responsible for their own rooms, changed their own sheets (when I insisted) and had to leave a clean floor if they wanted it hoovered.

I think we decided on which things we were going to have a zero tolerance for. drugs and anything illegal was the main thing (loads of weed being smoked by friends).
We had proper serious conversations from about aged 10 about things like drunk driving, getting pregnant/getting gf pregnant, how getting drunk removes inhibitions and so on. No subject off limits and deliberately talked about what was on the news (MeToo etc)

We've always been relaxed about bedtimes and curfews and as a result have always been able to trust our DC to let us know where they are, go to bed when they need to and study when they need to also. So far not had any major teenage issues.

Wish we'd clamped down on chores, we never did as they have always done so many after school activities etc so didn't have loads of time. Now they are older they will do stuff when we ask (nag) but not off their own backs which is frustrating.

I am strict about rudeness, DS1 is never rude to us, DS2 has autism and ADHD and does have outbursts but is good at having some time out and will then apologise to us.

So the rudeness we are currently experiencing - insults mostly aimed at younger brothers and DH when she feels she’s been wronged by them.

I feel this is a 'pick your battles' thing.
'Rudeness' is subjective.
Having siblings is a great safe space for working out when friendliness becomes banter and when banter becomes teasing and when teasing becomes bullying. When jokes or some sarcasm are funny and when it becomes unkind. It is really nuanced, and we probably all get it wrong sometimes, but during the teen years it is a really hormone charged time when youngsters are often lacking self confidence (or can be the opposite and come across as cocky), and when they are feeling their way in the world and working out which way of 'being' is appropriate for which conversations and which situations. A really good skill to develop as you don't want to come across as too stilted and formal in a group of friends, but don't want to be seen to be cheeky or rude in a job role or in school. It isn't straightforward black and white and is an art form that needs to be learned. Some find it easier than others. Most will get it wrong sometimes, but a blanket "no rudeness under any circumstances" isn't always the most helpful thing over time.

A few comments from my ds when he was aged 19 (and had a couple of friends who had crap home lives which was quite an eye opener. he kicked against every single house rule, at great length, but we stuck to the things that mattered)

• when I was 12 I thought what I wanted was an x-box in my room and I thought you were so mean not letting me have it. Now I realise what I needed was parenting and you did that
• you have always given us the other opinion (I do a great line in playing devil's advocate) It was annoying but now I find that I do actual think about both sides in a situation
• none of my friends had to eat at the table it was so embarrassing, but I get it now
• It is amazing how many people (at uni) can't cook and don't know how to do their washing

yes the 'rude' thing needs a bit of negotiating.
I find that 'unkind' is often more helpful than 'rude' when directed at siblings.

I would say though, teen hear neutral comments as negative. So the challenge for me has always been to deliberately say positive and nice things to them every day. I say Have a good day, love you! every morning as they leave for school. Sometimes the front door is slammed behind them, but they heard it anyway.
Tell them often what amazing people they are, how proud you are (not necessarily connected to school, anything really) thank them for nice gestures, smile at them a lot, give them spontaneous hugs even when they go ' eeuw' don't hug me (NB not in front of friends). Try to say yes to things instead of no, take an interest in what they like (we are currently on the sofa watching some youtuber which I find I know far more about than I ever wanted to.) Let them experiment with clothes and hair and make up, and even if you don't like it be encouraging.

Those are all just as important as the rules we enforced

I'm glad we insisted they leave their phones outside their bedrooms at night (although they didn't even have one until they were about 13 and (the younger one) 11

Mine are grown up, youngest is 22.
DS30 says we weren't strict enough on things like screen time and music practice. I think I agree...it was hard at the time with 3 of them arguing about who was going to do what, and balancing my work,DH's shifts and I think I should have tried harder with a routine and very strict screen time rules before they were old enough to challenge much ( although it wasn't really so much of an issue with the elder 2 given their ages).
I'd also try to keep them open to a variety of non-screen-based activities, and encourage membership of things like Scouts/Explorers or other outdoor activities. They have always had chores and have contributed to family life..things like clearing up after dinner, Saturday morning house clean, doing the bins and we have always had meals together and conversation going around the table.

My DD would have described me as strict when she was younger, in terms of a limit on phone use, minimal sleepovers during term time, no ear piercing until 16. Now she’s older, the reins are looser, because she’s proved she’s capable of making good choices with me.

Pick your battles is it, really. My DD is 17, if she’s home 30 mins later than expected, I’m fine with it, as long as I’ve let her know in advance. She has about 8 ear piercings, but they are her ears and they are allowed in 6th form. She has a boyfriend, a job and is doing well at school. She’s juggling those things, along with her v active social life and a fairly full on extra curricular commitment. I feel like we have equipped her to make the right choices and ask us for help with the knowledge that we won’t get cross.

someone upthread said that they insisted on their dc having 2 afterschool activities and something on Saturday.

2 of mine would have really really struggled with that. The third had something every night of the week.

I would say allow your kids to choose what they do while encouraging them not to give up too soon with stuff and persevere a bit eg with music.

I would say though, teen hear neutral comments as negative. @steppemum Thanks for that really thoughtful post and this comment particularly.

No rudeness, and eating together for most evening meals unless there was eg football on the TV.

Also, making sure they get out and get a job when older. Covid got in the way of this for us to a large extent, but eg this year I insisted on ds getting a job while he was back from uni and not expecting us to subsidise his hobbies/social life.

Otherwise we've been pretty easy going. But maybe we were able to be as ds didn't do lots of going out, getting drunk or smoking/vaping/drugs. He made it easy for us.

Always ate together, breakfast and dinner around the table.
Both DDs like to cook and were encouraged to do so. DD 1 has moved out(23) but DD2 19 is here and cooks once a week .I’ve never been bothered about tidy rooms probably because I was awful and now keep a clean house.
I wish I’d been stricter about chores but I was sahm then part time for a few years so tended to do most jobs around the house. They would always help out if asked though.
Jobs aged 16 and pocket money stopped.

DD is now early 20’s and she’s always known that she can pick up the phone and call any time day or night no matter the situation. We’ll make her safe first and then any recriminations can come later. It’s resulted in some disturbed nights sleep after middle of the night calls with tears etc after a falling out with whoever but I think it’s made us pretty close.

She’s great at checking in now she’s away at uni as it was always one of our non negotiables, tell me when you’re staying out, when you’re on your way home etc.

Swearing etc is fine but not at me or her dad or her younger siblings. So ‘oh for fucks sake’ is fine, ‘fuck you you twat’ would result in an ‘OY. Who on earth do you think you’re talking to?’

Apologise if you’ve reflected and you’re in the wrong. That goes both ways. It’s one of the things my mam rarely did and it often led to resentment.