50 no friends, no partner, no way to change it

[LonelyAndLostToo]

Never was good at making friends, find social situations really hard so joining clubs or social events isnt really an option.

Mg son is ready to fly the nest and I have realised at 50 i am destined to be lonely and alone. I dont have a partner or anything.

I cant see a way out of it. Does anyone have any advise, beyond jooning clubs etc, i wouldnt be comfortable in that situation

There are activities you could do that let you kind of set the pace for interaction. My friend met new people through a guided Nordic walking group which she took up to get a bit more exercise, and aqua aerobics as her local pool. You could also join a hobby group if you can get it on it - I’m desperate to learn dressmaking but the courses are always full - but that’s a good way to meet new people. Volunteer once a week for a charity close to your heart - even get a Saturday job working behind the bar in your local pub or helping to run the pub quiz - all that good community building stuff..

Out local area also has a monthly litter picking group. Meet at a certain place, get the gear, go and pick then meet at the end for a hot drink and presumably a bit of chat.

Something to do so no real pressure to socialise, but doing it with other people and so a bit of people contact. Very low key & no expectation.

I think local Facebook groups are very useful for things that are going on around you that you might ot otherwise know about

Just been on facebook, i dont know if its me not looking for the right thing, seems all the local communcity groups are local business, parcel deliverr misplaces or Lost animal focussed. Again opportunity knocks

Meetup i didnt find of any value, groupd that meant getting out there that were of interest were too far away. So i gave up on it. I could check it out again i think.

OLD is not an option, i have no need for a relationship. I might meet someone one day but i have no interest in physically trying to find a relationship.

Cant swim... am i too old for swimming lessons?

Definitely not too old for swimming lessons. There's a lady at my local pool who must be nearly 80 and is learning! She looks like she is having so much fun.

You could try local colleges for evening classes too? There's so many interesting things I would love to learn.

Try BFF (bumble for friends), then you can meet people on 1:1 basis which may be easier than bigger social interactions.

How do people get to this age and find themselves so alone. It's so common. You aren't alone in feeling/being alone, iykwim!

We focus on work and raising our families and maybe a bit of helping in the community - that's enough. It's exhausting. then suddenly, family grows up and there's this hole in your life that takes you by surprise, but it's meant to be filled by doing things you love and enjoy.

You can batch cook for your neighbour to free up your evenings, so you don't feel guilty going off a few nights a week. Don't let them guilt you into being at their beck and call. (If they try - they may be lovely and supportive) You are helping them not serving them.

I often find that people who are lovely (you do sound very lovely) who say they have no friends accidentally keep people at arm's length. dS used to. He just didn't spot overtures of friendship. I had to point them out and force him to act on them. E.g. if people say 'Coming for a drink?' after a class, don't make excuses because you assume they are only being polite. they are asking to get to know you better. If someone brings some produce from their allotment to book club, make some jam or chutney and share it next time the book club meets - that sort of small gesture can blossom into friendship.

You do have to show yourself a bit - not be the polite, 'nice' person in the corner as that gives others nothing to latch onto. I was totally ignored for years in class when I played 'nice, quiet, obliging person in the corner' until I came in beaming one day because I'd had good news. They spotted my mood and I shared the news and that broke the ice. Friendship followed. Reveal little bits of yourself but always without self pity.

This is such good advice. Just go out, do things you enjoy, or try things you might enjoy. Focus on the doing, and give yourself at least two years for friendships to slowly build from the mutual interests. It takes time.

Is there a local boardgame club that you could join? That way you aren't left on your own and you can get to know other people at a gentle pace.

That's lovely

Swimming lessons sounds like a great idea. You could also try starting small by joining communities online - I’m in a couple of crafting groups and quite often people post there about local meet ups. Alternatively, are there social things related to your work? I used to go to evening talks related to what I do, where everyone could happily bore on about our specialist subject! I also find relationships difficult and don’t have many friends - I think a lot of people feel the same.

What about doing a counselling course as a night class? I started one once to accompany a friend and I realised when it started that most of the course is actually working on yourself; as you have to do lots of small group / partner work it meant that most of the class got to know each other quite quickly. I left the course after a few weeks as it wasn't for me but my friend carried on and the class all became friends. It would need to be an in person course obviously rather than online.

How about trying a group with only a little interaction.

I have tried many hobbies just because I like trying new things, some have stuck and some have fallen by the wayside.

Choirs are good, most of the time is spent singing with just say a 10 minute refreshment break. Or something like volunteering working outside with a group that help a maintain woodland or park.

This sounds like grief OP. You will be grieving the loss of your DS. I know he's still alive, of course, but you've lost that life you had together because now he is gone. Nobody bumbling around the kitchen late at night or leaving the toilet seat up. Nobody to talk to in passing or see their shoes lying around and to hear the door click shut when they go out and come back in again.

Change of circumstance is a loss of types and we all grieve losses, be they over work, health, or children leaving home.

Might help you just to bear that in mind 💐

This is a really good idea. You could start an anonymized blog if you don't want to be recognised, and so long as you read other people's blogs and comment on them, you very soon get people follow what you write and comment on that in return. Before long you have 'regulars' and can feel a tight knit group. You can make some seriously decent friends online that way and the support and genuine care can be immense.

It's not easy to start making friends when we get older, and it's a case of putting on a brave front and taking the step to get out and try new things - I've got social anxiety but try very hard to overcome it. I started going to aqua aerobics, where it's mostly women, and have got to know a few of them. I go for breakfast at the pub with one of them now. I also joined a group for older people (I'm 64 and unable to work due to illness) so go there once a week. The others are all older than me but friendly. You could perhaps try -

Zumba/aerobic/aqua aerobics
Walking groups
Dance lessons
Learning a language or skill
Arts and crafts groups
Study for something (I did mental health awareness)

Are you sure it's what you really want?
Sometimes major life changes - in your case, your son leaving home - can make us reassess our lives. But it can often be a case of what we feel we

Sorry, posted too soon.

It can often be a case of what we feel we SHOULD be doing, as opposed to what we truly want.

The Ramblers normally have a weekend walk

You do well with others at work because there is a legitimate framework in which you operate. This is your security blanket and it is the same for everyone else.

Other groups, whether it is local clubs and societies or whether it is the St Tropez jet set all work within their own set of rules. I am not saying you will join the jet set tomorrow, because one of those rules involves unbridled money. But local clubs and societies are within your grasp. You just need to understand there are social rules they work by and if you understand these and can adhere to them, you will have no problem.

The anticipation of the bang is much worse than when the firework goes off.

I second the choir suggestion. The physical act of singing actually lifts moods, and gets people in such good spirits that they tend to be more chatty and approachable. They also tend to focus on singing events and the preparation for it is really great at pulling the group together.

Do you actually want or need friends?

Do you know why you have not acquired and or nurtured friendships in the past?

Is this ‘loneliness’ really about ‘empty nest syndrome’ which is a different issue to address and many of us feel even if we have a huge social life.

Are you projecting too much expectation on social contacts needing to become deep friendships that you are judging yourself and sabotaging yourself?

As others have said - take it moment by moment - just passing the time with simple interactions which overtime may become acquaintances and even longer time friendship. Build your confidence very slowly around interacting with others over time - not everything will develop as many you may not be compatible with.

Dog walking is an easy way to practice short interactions - borrow one or volunteer at a pet charity.

What about joining a choir? I'm a high functioning introvert so any social interaction is exhausting and I could quite happily not speak to anyone for days and days (including my husband!)

Many years ago a neighbour dragged me to her choir when I told her I couldn't sing but loved music.
For the first year I literally mimed the words, but best thing about it was I didn't have to speak to people. However I gradually found my voice and turns out I love singing.

10 years ago I set up my own choir that was less formal and more about friendship, support and fun. We have about 30 members and meet every week, even when I feel exhausted and can't face going, I make myself go and at the end of the evening I feel so much better and have a massive smile on my face!!

I have heard Rock Choir is good for connecting with people but the fees are relatively high and tbh it all feels a bit like a cult to me, but there will be something in your area, give it a try and good luck!

I was definitely guilty of thinking any new friend had to be a deep best friend thing which wasted a lot of opportunities to make good friends.
Now I am older I realise there are many tiers to friendship and companionship.
I made a really good friend through work as like you I felt comfortable getting to know her slowly. Thankfully she was more confident than me and invited me to meet up for coffee one weekend.
It really is that simple if you get on well with someone at work and have the courage just to ask if they fancy doing something, a walk, event or theatre. Then you go to the thing and it's easy not just 1-1 talking. Then you set up the next thing.
If that's still too much then it has to be something just to get you out the house first and then a connection may follow. WI or local gardening club or walking group.
Where I live there is a local mag and it's always full of volunteering or local group info. Do you have something similar? I could help with meals on wheels or join the conservation group mending paths, or the food bank.
Also don't think you are boring to speak to! We are all a bit boring just listen and have a few stock comments about stuff you like or have done. I think we all feel the pressure to be some social star and it's not real in normal community groups, everyone is there to make friends and have some hobby or contact.

I would agree with this.

Just do stuff/activities which is the main focus and any chit chat (or listening or silence) rubbing alongside can be enough social interaction.

You say that you are the ‘life and soul’ at work - this may be necessary for your profession - but isn’t necessary at all socially (quite the reverse can be seen as overbearing and dominant) - no one is expecting you to ‘perform’ - find the quietest person in the group and stick by them.

I'm rubbish at it, but apparently asking people questions is the key thing, especially if you don't feel you have much to say yourself. Showing interest in others and listening results in them thinking you're really interesting.

Also, if you set up a book/craft club you can mention it at work and might get to know colleagues outside work that way.