50 no friends, no partner, no way to change it

[LonelyAndLostToo]

Never was good at making friends, find social situations really hard so joining clubs or social events isnt really an option.

Mg son is ready to fly the nest and I have realised at 50 i am destined to be lonely and alone. I dont have a partner or anything.

I cant see a way out of it. Does anyone have any advise, beyond jooning clubs etc, i wouldnt be comfortable in that situation

@therealcookiemonster - I agree about solo travel. I went alone on a group holiday (exodus/Explore sort of thing) and ended up sharing with a complete stranger. You'd think we had nothing in common. We were total opposites in every way. But we discovered we had a silly sense of humour in common and we just giggled our way through that holiday. I am still in touch with her.

@TotalOverhaul that's awesome!

I agree with @EwwSprouts join your local WI. There is at least a year wait list on mine unfortunately but I have been to a couple of free events and really enjoyed it.

Try meet up app or you local area face book group - we have plenty in your position wanting to make friends not a relationship (it's not speed dating!)

Or take the plunge, try online dating, if use a paid for site to try to avoid the dregs of society

I joined a local bridge club a few years ago in my late 40s. We've always played cards and board games as a family, but I'd never played bridge nor knew any of the rules.
Mine is a social club, welcomes new members and gave me the basics.
I love it. Now play at the club once a week with a regular partner, plus we usually play once a week with another pair at one of our houses.

Most of the focus is on the game, but as you slowly get to know people you get a little bit of chat.

I also went to a dog agility club, again loved this but have stopped mainly due to issues with my dog.

And I did OLD, and met the bloke I've been seeing about 5 years ago.

Are you on Facebook OP? If so are you on any of the local community groups? . You could put the feelers out to see if people would be interested in a crochet group that would run in the evening, for those that cant attend the day sessions. I know you find it difficult meeting new people, but if you have a common interest that could make it a bit less awkward. Good luck!

@EwwSprouts

That's unusual, the youngest member of our local wi is 62, and she brings her mum (it then jumps to 70's) mothers Union is similar, a shame because they do good work with domestic violence, child access etc - I occasionally go and the next youngest is my mum!

So many good ideas, thanks everyone

I live in rented accomodation and arent allowed a pet which is a shame - would fill my house with them if I could.

Most evenings i cook dinner for someone who is sick and his disabled son, like meals on wheels but just for them, to help out, that normally is quite late, but i was just thinking i could do that earlier, they will have to reheat their food but it will free up my evenings a bit.

I take on board what you are aaying about my work, its easy and not scary so i fill up my time with it. I need to stop and walk away when my day is done. I tell my staff to look after themselves but dont lead by example.

You are all right, need to push out of my comfort zone. Need to build up the confidence to do that.

How do people get to this age and find themselves so alone.

The WI and anything church related has never appealed. Dont even think we have a local WI. There was a local facebook social group but it died during covid and hasnt been resurrected from what i can see.

Theres an opening then lightbulb

If you genuinely want friends you have to push yourself and get out there.

I’ve recently moved to a new area. Knew no one.
Put a shout out on the local community page to start a book club.
There were 7 of us who attended with a few days notice and I’ve stopped accepting membership applications as it will get too big to manage.

You either have to push yourself to attend things or accept you don’t want friends that much. You can’t have it both ways.

I saw a post recently on social media on a ‘friendship’ group I’m in.
She wanted to get out and meet people but had 101 reasons why she couldn’t do certain things - doesn’t drive/can’t do certain times etc.
Someone mentioned a night out in a pub she can see from her house.
She said the event was upstairs (one flight!) and she was scared of heights.
This woman clearly doesn’t really want to get out, just wants lots of messages/attention on her.

Consider what you want your life to look like in a year’s time.

Where are you based?

I don't know about where @LonelyAndLostToo lives, but where I live the WI meetings are on a Wednesday, just after lunchtime (when a lot of people are at work) 🤷‍♀️

I am not throwing reasons out there to put up breezeblock walls to not have a life. All my life i have never had friends, so muchso it makes me petrified of approaching anyone socially. I genuinely want to change this. Its so hard even talking on here. Tears streaming as i try to take on board what everyone is saying and think of ways i can make things work.

@gotomomo I was expecting older which is why I was tentative. Nothing against older people but I'm not a crafting type. You'll have to persuade a couple of friends to join!

OP they are definitely moving with the times with current campaigns eg clean rivers. The first evening I went to was a wine tasting at a local vineyard.
https://www.thewi.org.uk/campaigns

If you like dogs many rescues need dog walkers at the weekends.

@LonelyAndLostToo I'm sorry you are upset. I appreciate it must feel overwhelming. You are clearly a kind and empathetic person. Let one or two others get to know you slowly.

I get that.

I think one thing is to aim for baby steps.

Rather than think you're failing if you haven't made new friends, how about just aiming to try something new each month. Even just new experiences or new human connections will help.

Do you have a skill from your work you could use to volunteer? That's what helped me. I've become a trustee and knowing I have something to offer helped get me through the door. And that "work confidence" is there. I haven't made new friends yet but I do have new people to chat to and am learning new things about my community.

Hi @LonelyAndLostToo you've made a great step just posting on here. You've acknowledged the issue and you want to address it.

You mentioned there was a book group that meets during the day. Could you take a holiday or alter your hours so that you could attend? Even if you did that once a month it would be a first step.

I'm lonely too. Broken relationship and now a single parent. It's very difficult to meet people so I know where you are coming from.

I joined lane swimming and never thought it would lead to anything but chatting daily with h the regulars has led to a few of us now going out for a meal together as friends, we also have a WhatsApp group where we check in now and again. Swimming is good because when you are no longer comfortable talking to someone you just say “right, better carry on!” and off you swim. Eventually you will get to know a few people and you can go from there.

Also, this might be entirely out there, but there’s quite a few lonely people on mumsnet. If someone agrees, you could swap digits and become WhatsApp friends - it’s a start to get you used to being comfortable talking to people again.

I made more friends in my 50s than I ever did when younger. What worked for me was regularly going to a local coffeehouse and either working there or knitting for an hour. I didn't go to try and make friends, I went to have some human contact. But over time I realised there were other 'regulars' and I started talking to them and the staff. Over time those chats expanded into friendships.

Could you start a hobby that allows you to meet people while there’s no immediate pressure to make conversations beyond hello? Like drawing classes, pottery, badminton or any other sport really…you could go there and do your thing, and choose how much you want to engage with people.

You know, I’m wondering if you wouldn’t be comfortable starting with meeting people online rather than in person.
So a way to start talking with new people but without the pressure

Meetup is a good app. You can find groups local to you, i'd suggest a weekend walking group to start with, the focus is on the walking but you'll chat as you go along.

I agree with the poster who said get a dog.
Join a walking group
Change jobs? Then you might keep in touch with some of your colleagues from now and meet new people.
You will have to feel a bit out of your Seth to change this

Would you consider getting involved in something like guides of scouts?
I am a bit like you and always find it dificult to talk to people but I spent 5 years volunteering at a brownies group. There I found it a lot easier to talk to the others as there was always something to say about the meeting or planning activities.

I found there waa quite a sense of community which was nice and everything tends to tale place on evenings amd weekends which fits well around work.

Not easy op Im 50. Walk group fizzled out. I meet a few school mams and 2 more are through my daughters sports. Retired groups tend to meet during day most at work then.. its def difficult. But agree we have to push ourselves out there